Here's why I believe that I can't be forgiven. Blasphemy against the Holy Spirit is believing that the Holy Spirit is a demonic spirit. I think that I first started having these thoughts when I was a kid at 14 after hearing about the unforgivable sin. Then I actually believed one of the thoughts...
In my years with God, I have backslide many times and fell into sexual sin.
I lost the desire to find God and Jesus Christ again.
I can't read my Bible and pray. Seeking God seems impossible for me as I just wait until I die and burn alive. I don't know if God even has a plan for my life...
As an unbelieving and rebellious adult of 30 years, Gracious God saved my soul by Leading me to read the Holy Scriptures. God the Holy Spirit changed me from unbelief and skepticism, through exposure to His Word, which alone proves to be the power of God to save sinful souls.
That was 44...