advice needed

[calluna]

My son has been seeing a girl who is a year older than he is. He is nearly 16 and she is nearly 17. She seems nice enough, I don't get to see her often. but when I do, I notice she wears tops that are really low, I mean really low where cleavage and alot of flesh is showing. This bothers me, I just think it is flaunting stuff at my son, that he does not need to be tempted with. Do I say something? I think I am being a bit judgemental aswell, which is a separate issue but anyhow, do I say something? and if so how would I go about saying it. Am I being unreasonable? I don't want to embarrass the young girl and I certainly don't want to upset my son by interfering.

Any ideas please

Calluna

 

[stephen]

Hi calluna this is a first for me...giving a reply to a thread of yours. Doing so I pray that all will be well.

Your son is aware of all that you point out........

My heart has raged in the past, and does so again with grandchildren.

Jesus knows........O God.

At times I have said "only God can help me" as I looked out upon the wayfaring of my children/grandchildren.

I recall years of adolescence.....I remembered the family teaching....years later I give thanks. Jesus knows... he cares as we trust in Him.,


In Jesus.....O Lord.....

 

[Snowrose]

Hello Calluna,

I can understand your concerns and frustration. Today when I look at the fashion of clothing that are being sold to young girls - it is shocking. As hard as it is, look beyond the fashion and look at the hearts of these young people. To me, the youth are looking to be loved and noticed and if there is any critizism, there may be rebellion to follow.

Maybe I am wrong, but just love them where they are at at this time in this season and prayer for them. The Lord is wonderful at changing hearts - trust in Him. Take this young lady into your heart and leave the rest to the Lord.

God bless you Calluna,
Love,
Snowrose

 

[Janette]

beware the backlash

It depends on your son's personality I suppose. I was always one who would either live up to someone's best expectations...or down to their worst -- depending on which they focused at me.

My advice is don't turn it into any kind of power struggle.

My mother was *such* a constant spokesperson for "Clothing reflects your inner morality and self-respect" (Oddly not from a Christian standpoint but from a secular feminist one) that I ended up going off and not only deliberately wearing things that drove her nuts, but also doing some of the things she was afraid I was going to do before just to "shut her up" in my mind.

My mentality was basically "if I'm going to do the time, I may as well enjoy the crime." The more disapproving my mother was of some friend's dress or behavior, the more I would defend it. I ended up with progressively crappier friends and getting into trouble. The sad irony was that *I* wasn't even always comfortable with my choices of cltohing or behavior -- but for some reason I *desperately* wanted whatever I was doing to be *my* choice and not her mandate.

...

I've seen this exact same behavior in both my stepson (19) and stepdaugher (16). The more their father pushes to "make" them make the right decisions, the harder they push to willfully make the wrong one, just so they can say they (and not he) are in control.

By contrast, I simply told my 16 year old a story about how people treated me because of how I dressed -- the jobs I couldn't get, the teachers who seemed to think my IQ dropped by 40 points because of how I was dressed, the men I had to quite literally fight off -- and while she rolled her eyes at the time, she *did* tone her clothing back down to full coverage if not fully appropriate. Now if I can just get her to consistantly wear clothing from this century (her biological mother likes to buy her "Ren Faire" dresses and Gothic stuff)....

Don't worry too much about reaching the girl so that she wears "the right thing."

Concentrate rather on making sure you have raised your son to behave in a godly manner even if he is exposed to "the wrong thing." And feel free to talk to him about that.

Being holy isn't about avoiding temptation, it's about overcoming it.

 

[rizen1]

Jesus saves.

I'm sure you trust your son and all you placed in his heart. I trust my 16yr old sister but if I see one of her friends and disagree with their dress code or behavior I tell her. And because of the truth I have place in her she will agree and take no offense or rebel.( Light and dark don't mix.)

Being honest with your Son is very important , you are the parent and most of the times your gut feelings are right. You're here to do what's best for him.
I think he needs to get that relationship with God first before he can be with anyone. Invite her to church with you guys, get to know her. Also talk to him about purity,buy him christian books ( I will pm some good titles ). She is not going to be the first or only girl with cleavage. Now is the time to stress on purity.

Getting to know her will help you to talk to him on the relationship. Bringing this question here shows you are a great parent not judgemental ( what you wear reflect what's inside ). I pray God will lead you and give you words to speak. I also pray against the spirit of rebellion and that he receives your talk in love.

 

[calluna]

Thank you all very much, great comments and help.

Snowrose, your post spoke to my heart and instantly I felt peace and knew what you shared was the most important thing. These teenagers just want to be loved and not judged or critisized.

The young girl does go to a church and is involved in choir and such. I believe she dresses modestly for church, from what I understand.
As I get to know her and she feels more comfortable around me, then maybe a door of opportunity will open up for me to approach this subject, that is if the issue is still there, the Lord can speak to her heart before I do.

The main person to minister to is my son, as it is his conduct that is the key, because if it isn't this young girl it is going to be someone else.

Calluna

 

[Faithful Son]

I will keep you in prayer sister Calluna. You seem to have things worked out however, that is always good.

God bless you
teraside

 

[Snowrose]

You will be in my heart and prayers Calluna. God bless you.

Love,
Snowrose

 

[SpiritLedEd]

Calluna, you are feeling what a loving, truly Christian mother feels. There is nothing wrong with that. Remember, there are two kinds of judgmentalism: The first consists in analyzing a situation and judging the rightness or wrongness of what is going on. This is right and proper. As a matter of fact, it is your God-given duty as his mother to be concerned with this situation.

The second kind of judgementalism consists in condemning those who are doing the deeds. This is the judgementalism that is wrong - " 'It is mine to avenge,' says God, 'I will repay.'" (Heb 10:30a). "Do not judge (condemn) or you will be judged." (Mt 7:1)

My advice is that you take your son aside privately (no one else around), assure him that you love him, tell him your concerns, pray like mad that God will find a way into his heart to guide him, and back out of the situation and let God work.


SLE

 

[Br. Bear]

Greetings Calluna,

Wow! You've been getting some pretty good advice here!

If I could add my bit, as a father of 11...

Well, first, sister, best summed up....JESUS.
He's really the beginning and end of it all...remember the saying...WWJD, what would Jesus do?
Having said that, well, Jesus to us is a relationship, so looking at what He told us, to love others too, in the same breath as loving God, [the two go together...can't do one and not the other] our position with others is based on relationship...meaning, that being a friend who loves, not the fleshy side of a person, but the person inside the flesh, who they are, yes, loving the person with God's love is the medicine to all lifes problems. Sounds a bit simplified, but it's true. Your son is a living soul and so is his friend.
Be their friend first....the rest will follow. If you want them to hear anything you say, meaning if you want them to know what it is you want them to know, they will begin by reading who you are, looking and listening to the person they see given the way they are presently looking at life and the world. Just love them...do a bit of Jesus and look way beyond the outside appearance and behaviour and look and see that they are precious souls worthy of every bit of divine love imaginable. Let your heart be elated with their company and speak encouragement and love, have fun with them as your friends...relate to who they are, not what they are. Nothing is so potent than God's love, and He has given it to you, and your only part is to let it flow, remembering it is His love and therefore can and will do what He desires it to do. It is His job to speak to them, and He does this with/by/because of His love, which is one with His Spirit, one with His will.
If we look at the clothing it will get up our nose. If the clothing improved, we would move on to the next thing we don't approve of, and then the next.....and we are not called to this.
If you do say something to either of them...say it once. Do not repeat it!
I have found over and again that be being a friend, and giving thanks to God in Jesus Christ, He sorts it all out...and He is good at it, and, quick.
Their souls need to be loved. That's all. Love love love love love....in fact, the more they feel loved by you, the more they will want to please you.

Remember this....God is in control and He has plans for the children. This girl is now in your life and God has put her there...why? To improve her dress sense? I don't think so!!!

Hope you understand all this..as I said first, Jesus.
Shine your light. It makes a huge difference to those who can't see too well and are in this dark world.

Sister, give it all to the Lord, and trust Him to sort it all out...He will!

And, thank you Jesus for Calluna and ALL she is and ALL she has on her plate right now...you are wonderful Lord and thankyou that you are doing great things and only have good in mind, planned for Calluna and her family...bless you Lord...thankyou for being a friend!

Bless you,

Br. Bear

 

[catseye]

It's simple. You say, son I'm concerned and this is why ( state your concerns) then LISTEN to what your son has to say and respond appropriately. Open a dialogue and don't preach but offer advice!

 

[calluna]

To all, it has been a week or so since posting this, in fact I had forgotten all about it, until I just saw the replies.

Thanks guys.

basically the Holy Spirit has guided me, and spoke to me through all of your posts, everything just kind of dissipated soon after I had typed that request. I don't know sometimes I get all in a tizzy over something and nothing.
Since the original post, I have been able to see this beautiful young girl for who she really is. And she really is lovely. And one afternoon, herself and her friend came over to say hi to my son, but he was busy or whatnot, and so we just hung out in the kitchen, and talked, and you know what I just listened more than anything, and I genuinely showed an interest in them and their lives. These girls really just wanted to be listened too. We did get to talk about different things, boys included, giggles abounded...and the Lord just helped me with my words.

These young ladies have hopes and dreams and goals and just wow! I got to hear how they both have no father in their lives, or the father they have neglects and rejects them and are not living in the home. One of their moms works so hard, she is not always around and the other mom just is constantly on her case all the time. You know I was so blessed to have had that time with them, I got hugs and I gave them hugs, and I just felt love for these young ladies. I just felt a connection and it's because of the Love of Jesus. I offered that I would be there for them whenever they wanted. And I did receive a phone call another day from the friend asking me for help with something.

Br.bear, you are funny, to quote you...'Jesus sorts it all out and He is good at it!'

calluna

 

[Br. Bear]

Greetings Calluna,

Thank you for sharing this. He is good , isn't He!

Thank you Jesus.