Advice please...

[Bratface75]

This is probably going to be really long, and I apologize in advance. In order to understand our place, I have to explain everything. Please take the time to read it because knowing the whole situation I think would help one understand the vitality of advice. Thank you so much. I just feel so unsure on what to do...

My sister in law was given by God the desire to adopt. Her and her husband spent so much time trying for their own children, but felt as if God was speaking to them about adoption. So they spent so much time researching, filing out information and did everything possible to complete an international adoption.
It took them 4 years from their first adoption till their 3rd (and last) to have each one of the children finally in their home.
In 2008, they brought home their 2nd child. They had a layover at our airport, so we met them at 5:30 AM to meet our new little nephew. He was adorable. I even came home to my husband and said we needed one ourselves. (we only had our oldest two at the time).

A couple months after bringing him home, they were awaiting the approval for their little girl from the same place. On Friday, she got her diagnosis of Kidney Cancer at stage 4. There is no cure, just experimental treatment. On Monday, they got the approval. Her husband went to Vietnam by himself to get her and bring her home as my sister in law couldn't go. The doctor's felt she had at least another 5- 10 years.

3 months later, my sister in law passed away. The next day we were packing and were surprised to learn we were pregnant!

1 month later we were approached by my brother in law if we would be willing to re-adopt the little boy as he could provide financially, but not emotionally. For the 3 months, he had no time to bond with the two little ones, as they spent most of their time with nanny's and grandma. We prayed about it, and because of the strong connection we had with him when we visited over my sister in laws birthday and then again at the funeral, we said yes.

My sister in law's best friend from college was also awaiting approval for the international adoption, but was denied because Vietnam closed ALL US adoptions. My brother in law approached them about taking the little girl. They accepted.

The first little boy they adopted is with my brother in law, as he had him for 4 years, so that's his little boy. He just couldn't do it for all three.

It has been over a year since we lost my sister in law to Heaven.

My little boy adjusted to our home very well, having little issues during the transition. He's been with us for over a year, and our adoption process was final this month! YAY!!

Here's my problem.

My mother in law, bless her heart, feels it necessary to keep all three of them in touch and would like to keep reminding our little boy about "Mommy Karin". She also refers to the little girl as her grandchild as well, but really, she's not. The little girl is with another family.

He calls me Mommy and my husband Daddy. He is 2 1/2 years old. My husband and I refer to his sister as "Karin" and leave the title of mommy out because it will only produce confusion and problems (which some are beginning to show). We have support of this thinking with counselling from friends and a counselor.

He has had numerous caretakers from the orphanage. Then my sister in law for a couple months, then two nanny's and a grandmother (of whom he called mommy also) in 5 months. He calls me mommy, but he also looks at the family picture and calls me "aunt mommy" and "uncle daddy" then refers to my sister in law as mommy, and mommy Grandma...

We are ALWAYS going to be open about his journey to America and why he was adopted at age appropriate times. When my mother in law comes to visit, she ALWAYS talks about her daughter and feels it necessary to keep her alive and refers to her as "mommy Karin"

When my husband has talked to her about this, she gets upset (understandably) but still won't respect our wishes of just referring to her as "Karin" because I am his mommy now.

We remind her that we will tell our little boy about how she was his first adoptive mommy, but she had to go home with Jesus and God trusted us to take care of him and be his parents. But at 2 1/2 years old, it isn't going to settle well in his mind and he also is going through a grieving process. He was in an orphanage with no nurturing until he was a year old, then comes to America to be taken care of for a couple months with lots of nurturing, then nurturing from different women to us. He is very emotionally unstable!!!

My mother in law seems obsessed with losing her daughter, from the time she wakes up until the time she goes to bed she has been working on a book about her daughters journey to adoption and successes in life which is actually quite beautiful that will be published soon. She will send emails with memories of her daughter and connections with little things such as name initials to her daughter inspiring my brother in law to make decisions etc... I am just so frustrated. I am not sure exactly what to do about this and I know she won't listen to me. Yet, my heart just breaks because she lost her only daughter.


I know my mother in law will never see me as his mommy, because her daughter was his mommy. So how do I stop this from hurting my little boy emotionally without ruining my relationship with her or hurting her feelings to the point of her hating me?

I hope I explained with clarity. Thank you so much.

Cathi~

 

[HoneyBare]

It seems obvious that your brother's mother-in-law is not going to change her mind about this child knowing about her daughter as his first mommy. What seems right to her, however, will not change the fact that this little boy is on his way to finally accepting you and your husband as his daddy and mommy.

Somehow, she needs to see that this little boy is not going to suffer if he does not retain the memory of her daughter. If he is struggling emotionally, then he needs to be free to collect his emotions and learn one thing at a time . . . first being that he can trust you will continue to care for him. Her priority may be important to her, but not to this child.

If someone could only get that through to her, and let her know that her prayers for him would be appreciated, then at a much later date, when the child has adjusted, she could tell him about her daughter. Even then, in reality, it does not seem like such a matter of importance because your sister-in-law was not flesh and blood, and no matter how important it seems to her mother, it may only confuse him.

As I see it, the child's emotional health is more important than the needs of this mother to instill in him the memory of her daughter. As a child advocate, I would definately not pressure him to understand something that he is incapable of at this time. She really needs to be talked to about this and advised as to his emotional state before she continues to push it.

Not real spiritual advise, I guess, but that is my personal opinion. Good luck and God bless your endeavor.

 

[Coconut]

That is a most difficult situation and I feel for you...

HoneyBare expressed exactly what I would say, but if I may I want to add a little bit of advice.

There is depths of wisdom, and a simple solution to a lot of relational problems in Gods instruction for a man to forsake all others and cling to his wife (family) The boundaries that are established in a home for the well being of the family unit must be enforced above all else, even if that means hurting the feelings of well meaning extended family members. Considering this particular issue involves a member of your husbands family, it is he who needs to let his mother know gently, yet firmly, what decisions you two have made for your adopted child, and that she must respect those decisions. If she chooses to disregard your boundaries, then you need to let her know she is not welcome in your home until she is willing to respect your boundaries.

I know this seems hard, but it is the only way, otherwise you are looking at years of frustration, resentment, and divisiveness, because a problem of this nature ignored, never goes entirely away, it just keeps repeating itself.

I feel for your Mother-in-law also, but she is a grown woman, and with time her heart will heal, whereas little children sometimes never recover from the imprints left upon their impressionable little hearts.


Blessings.

 

[Bratface75]

Thank you for the advice and encouragement. I love my mother in law, and in some aspects I would say that she and I are closer than my own mom and I. I respect her dearly. It's just really hard to tell her no since she is a very sensitive woman and especially right now still grieving the loss of her daughter.

Something else that has made this difficult is that, she was basically his caretaker for weeks until the nanny's were in place to help. So she does have a bond there, or at least did. It has been over a year since he has been with us.

She lives far away, but has the means to visit monthly if she wanted. At least she does with her first grandson. I also think that it is not right that she is focused on this grandchild, not the other three in the house. She really doesn't ask about them, unless they pertain to our adopted son. UGH... My last comment to her will be that I love her too much to argue with her!! lol!!

Thanks everyone!! Pray I use words of wisdom in love, not words of my frustration! :heart-animated: