Almost Infidelity

[PirateLady]

I am new to this community, just joined today in fact, so please accept my apologies for coming in with a need before getting to know everyone. I know that this generally violates forum etiquette. However, I came across this site while Googling "Christian forums on infidelity" and felt that it would be a good place to come.

I have been married to my current husband for almost six years. We have a good relationship, one forged in fire and tested multiple times in that short span, and I love him very much. However, some time back I found myself becoming very close to a younger male co-worker in the office where my husband and I both work. It started out as a genuine friendship, and in fact, he became a family friend. However, I allowed myself to become emotionally attached to him in a way that crossed the boundaries of proper friendship. This happened over a period of time and eventually lead to some inappropriate physical contact in the form of more-intimate-than-friendly hugs and finally, a few kisses. It never progressed any further physically, and all of that sort of contact and most of our long, personal conversations ended almost a year ago.

God was constantly insistent that I tell my husband, but I kept ignoring Him and putting it off because of the family friendship and co-worker situations. I asked for forgiveness, and believe that God granted that for me, but I had yet to confess and ask my husband's forgiveness. In the meantime, we continued to have dinner, etc. with our 'friend', whom I'll call "R", as if nothing were out of the ordinary while God continued to wrestle with me regarding confession.

A few days ago, R's girlfriend logged into his email account while he was out and came across a chat which contained a number of things that disturbed her. Apparently, among other things that did not directly involve me, there were a few comments that led her to believe that R and I had participated in a fling at some point. GF is very, very dramatic, and R. called me to let me know that she had come across this chat. I took the call in front of my husband, of course, since R. is a family friend and there's been no inappropriate contact for a long while. When the conversation ended, I knew that the time to tell my husband had come with a fury. So, I sat down and explained what I suppose can only be called an emotional affair to him that day, admitting to the emotional attachment and some inappropriate hugging. Suprisingly, he was quite understanding and told me very directly that if there were anymore I needed to tell him to do it by the end of the day. For some reason - fear, I suppose, and shame - I could not bring myself to tell him about the kisses. And so I lied and said there was nothing more.

He extended grace to me, though it hurt him. Monday and Tuesday were pretty good days, and things seemed quite normal. I received a message on Tuesday night from the sister of R's girlfriend that made it clear to me that the trouble was not over, and that my name and reputation will be likely to suffer before this all ends. At that time, in order to make sure he didn't hear it from someone else, I confessed to the kissing. My husband was livid - at the betrayal, but also the fact that I initially lied to him about it on Sunday.

Today, he is still hurt and angry and I just feel sick and frozen inside. I couldn't sleep at all last night, and can't eat. I am so ashamed that I hurt him this way. He is a licensed non-denominational minister slated for ordination in the next couple of months, but now he feels he must step back because he did not keep his own household in order, as directed in Timothy.

I have never been more miserable and cannot even pray. I know that the Holy Spirit prays for us when we don't have words, but I feel that I have isolated myself from God's presence. More than anything, I want to help my husband heal and don't even know where to begin. He does not trust anything I say right now because I lied on Sunday and believes that the relationship progressed much further than it actually did...

I don't know what I need... prayer, advice, someone to screech at me and tell me how awful I am... I don't know.

Has anyone had a similar experience? My husband will not leave me because of our commitment, but he is more hurt than he's ever been and is having a terrible time processing this situation.

 

[PirateLady]

Can admin move this to Counseling if that is more appropriate forum?

I'm so sorry...

 

[jiggyfly]

Hello and welcome to TalkJesus Piratelady. I appreciate your openess. It seems you have taken the right steps so far by going to your husband and confessing. Now you will need to be patient and allow your husband some time to heal. Be very careful not to do anything else that might further discredit his trust in you and prove yourself trust worthy to him in every opertunity. Avoid any contact with "R" without husband's presence and acknowledgement. Most importantly ask your husband what he would have you do regarding this situation and relationship and providing it is above reproach, carry it out. Remember that love covers a multitude of sin and perfect love casts out all fear.


Praying for you sister.

 

[PirateLady]

Thank you, jiggyfly. I am trying hard to cling to God's promises, but just feel right now that I don't deserve them at all.

He talks as if he may never forgive me. He won't leave because of our commitment, but last night he said that before it's all over I may wish that he had. We work in an office with "R" and due to a change of position "R" is now moving into my husband's office area. My husband is talking of possibly leaving the job rather than work in close quarters with R all day. If he leaves this job, I will have to leave too because there's no way I can stay there and work with R without my husband, or I fear he will wonder every day if there is something going on.

Unfortunately, it's not just dealing with the pain of the betrayal; we may also be looking at leaving jobs in an economy where finding something comparable will likely be impossible. We have one son who lives at home and two stepdaughters to support. We don't have any savings and are not financially prepared for a change of that nature. At the same time, can I expect my husband to work with R every day as if all is fine and dandy??

I am so frightened. I feel like my whole life is crumbling under my feet and it's completely my fault.

 

[Giggles4God]

No one deserves anything the Lord God gives them.

Sin is Sin is Sin is Sin.

And like Jiggy said, your husband will need time. Give it to him. Pray for him. Pray for 'R'.

Pray about everything. The finances, the jobs, 'R', your husband, you, the children, etc.

This whole situation needs to be given into the hands of God and do NOT allow satan to step into it at all. Do NOT let anything that will bring more sin, strife, division, etc into this situation.

I can't say enough how much you need to PRAY PRAY PRAY!! Read the Word of God! Do NOT back off. This is the time for battle. And no, you aren't battling to keep your husband from leaving...because it sounds like that is not an option. You are fighting to keep satan out!

 

[PirateLady]

I am trying very hard to pray. It seems as though my prayers just fade off or stop at the ceiling. I am trying to go by what I know and not how I feel.

I know H needs time, and I will make every effort not to rush him through this thing. I keep reminding myself that I have had much more time to process the situation than he has, and that I can't expect him to make the leap to acceptance and healing immediately. It hurts so much when I say "I love you" and he doesn't say it back, but at least he's taking my calls today. Last night he asked me to sleep on the sofa, which I did.

Our sixteen year old son overheard all the commotion last night, and we each talked to him individually. I would have preferred that he not be involved in any of this, but unfortunately he is now. He stayed home with me today because he was so upset. He's been hovering over me all day. I suppose I should be thankful that he is not angry with me, too.

H can say horrible, cruel things when he's angry. Back before he got serious about his walk with God, it was truly awful. That phase of our marriage has been past for so long that I was startled to hear some of the things that came out of his mouth last night. I tried to keep in mind that he says things he doesn't necessarily mean when he's hurt. But it seems that every bit of dealing I had done over the past few months on my own went right down the drain.

It's interesting that you mention battle with Satan, because my initial thought when I realized how far the situation with R had gone was that Satan was attacking H through me. He's tried every other way, only to be thwarted, but this will be harder for H to bounce back from and he was only a couple of months from ordination. I'm not trying to say that the "Devil made me do it", but I am afraid that I left myself open to manipulation and was able to be used.

I also wondered if R was a test from God. My adult life has been riddled with issues of needing male attention, and in the distant past I was not successful in stopping attractions before they became much more than they should have. This time, I was able to stop before things passed the point of no return. If it was a test, can you partially pass? Is failing some of it the same as failing all of it, or is it more like a battle in which I actually emerged the victor over something that I had not been able to beat in the past?

Maybe I'm overthinking, or trying to rationalize too much. I know that years ago I would not have been capable of stopping the attachment from becoming a full-blown affair, and this time I could. I believe that is because I love God and my husband more than I love my own wants and desires now, whereas before it would have been all about me.

 

[Coconut]

Peace to you Sister...God is faithful...even when we are not...He is right there with you ...doing what He does best...


2Co 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I prayed for you ♥

 

[stephen]

Hello Pirate Lady and I welcome you here....to Jesus.

I may not have fully absorbed all that you have shared with us......perhaps all is in the past anyway.

The sex drive is very powerful and can lead to untold remorse and sadness if not restrained. I am pleased to read that you were able to withstand the gratification of such advances. Thank God for that.

The bible instructs all who would remain clean to 'get running'. "Flee youthful lust's" is the admonition.

Thankyou for trusting us with such intimate details of your life. Along with others here in tj I will be praying that you will come through and be a great wife and mother, and stronger as a result of your experience.

God Bless You

 

[PirateLady]

I appreciate everyone's support and prayers very much.

I got tears in my eyes when I logged in to see today's scripture from Isaiah.

H seemed much better last night, and I did not need to sleep on the sofa again. This morning he seems more subdued, and after we arrived at work I could tell he was having difficulty walking into my office. I myself am surprised at how hard it is for me to sit in my office today, now that he knows all. As I said earlier, I had managed to come to grips with and compartmentalize all of this and move on without affecting my work (with God's grace, I guess) but being here now feels uncomfortable because I know that H is hurting and I feel all the guilt again. R returns to work on Monday from a week away at a seminar, and I don't know how things will go that day. Next week is going to be a huge hurdle, and then H goes on vacation for three weeks. I am sincerely praying that things will go well.

I've told H that if he finds that leaving these jobs is the only way for him to move on, then I will follow him out the door. But the truth is that this move would be financially devestating for our family; we have both been employed here for ten or more years and receive excellent pay and benefits in a company that has proven it can withstand the current state of the economy. We will lose salary, insurance, and retirement, as well as sizable year-end bonuses if we leave. In the area where we live there are no comparable jobs to be found now. Because of our heavy financial responsibilities we have no savings and basically live paycheck to paycheck even with great jobs. If we leave here, we will be in real trouble, and almost certain to lose our car, home, or both.

I have found that I can work with R and keep distance and boundaries over the past year, though it hasn't always been pleasant or easy because of our the genuine friendship that we also shared. H is not certain that he can work with him at this point. So, he's between a rock and a hard place of trying to find a new way to support the family and maintain our current financial responsibilites or learn to work with a friend who betrayed him. *sigh*

I am so ashamed to have put him in this position.

I am trying to be strong, and not allow fear to overcome me, but I don't know how different my life may become next week. And knowing that if the worst happens it will be because of something that I did, and my family will suffer in more ways than one.

 

[PirateLady]

To clarify my statement about finding I can work with R, I also want to add that for H's comfort I have deleted R from all chat programs, social networks, etc. and will not be carrying on conversations with him that don't take place at work. In short, he will now be treated as cordially as any other co-worker but that will be all. I understand that continuing a real friendship with him at this point would not be wise.

 

[Lion_of_Judah]

Hello PLady,

Just a tough place to be in, huh. God is good, and He is faithful. Don't make any hasty moves concerning work.
You stated yourself how this may be one of the biggest impacts on your family.

Ironically enough, if I can say it that way, your husband is going through the most diffucult thing a man can ever face, rejection, and will be affected by it for some time to come... for good, or for sorrow.

With R moving into his office, does this mean your husband's moving up in the company as well?
If so, this next step may be easier. I suggest this only with the utmost caution, leading of the Holy Spirit, and discernment on your part..

> When the opportunity comes up, and it'll probably be later, rather than sooner, the best move that can occure between R and your husband, is for your husband to suggest a meeting between the three of you to sit down together. Not to 'talk', but for your husband to express his forgiveness for R, as well as sharing with R that he has forgiven you as well.

I know this is a tall order. This is what Christianity is, all about. Forgiveness.
Don't beg him over and over to forgive you. He already knows the role of it I'm sure. He's just not familiar with it on this level.

I have two step-sons that have done me wrong in so many ways. Forgiveness is a gift from the Father through His Son.
Ask Him to extend a new portion of the gift to your husband,
to extend to others in his life.


Will lift you up to Him,
Marco

 

[PirateLady]

Marco, thank you for your response.

My husband is not moving up; he is part of the technical team here in our office and R will be joining that team. So, he will share the same office - meaning, the same room - with my husband very soon.

I am hopeful and in constant prayer that this will all somehow work out. Over the past few days I've been forced to re-live and re-think all the things that I thought I had put away, and I don't like some of the things I've found about myself again. In short, I realize more than ever that I have hurt the man I love most in the world for something that was not much more than a selfish, stupid game that made me feel "pretty and desirable" and really was a disservice to R as well. The truth is that 90% of my relationship with R was genunine friendship. The other 10% was more talk than anything else - inappropriate talk to be sure, but nothing that I ever really intended to act upon. It was flirting and warm, fuzzy feel good stuff that harkened back to the way one feels at the start of a new relationship. I think for a short time I thought that I must have real feelings for him b/c it was the only way I could justify the conversations to myself. If anyone had been party to our conversations, it would have appeared much more serious than it ever was. The physical contact was also juvenile for the most part, and I always knew that I would never allow it to progess to anything at all that involved the removal of a single piece of clothing. I never touched any 'intimate' parts of R's body fully dressed, nor was I touched in that manner. Even though I talked big sometimes, it was not something I even wanted. Truthfully, throughout the course of all of that most days and conversations were just normal, everyday things that you would have with any friend. And then the flirting would start and I would feel "pretty" .... and then back off. That happened for awhile. There was a definite attraction and connection, but if we had never ever acted on any of it we probably just would have wound up good friends because that was really the root of the connection - things in common, friendship. My husband had that with him, too, and so did my kids.

What made me step back and stop all inappropriate contact was the realization that R and I were actually bonding over something last year - problems that he had with his GF. While I had felt connected, and had fun flirting and allowing him to make me feel good about myself, there was never a real bond on my part. Honestly, when we were having inappropriate chats and moments, they always dead-ended because there was nothing deeper to support them. But a bond that comes from "going through something together" could have been detrimental, and I pulled back for good.

As I processed all of this the first time, I realized like a thunderclap that the things that attracted me to R were really the characterisitics that he possessed that reminded me of my husband. And if I had the real thing, why on earth was I entertaining an imitation on any level? I never had real feelings for R at all beyond fond friendship - the only real feelings I have are for my husband. He is, in fact, the only man I have ever truly loved.

There was never a time that I did not love my husband, or want to be with him. Never a time when he himself did not make me feel beautiful and desirable. So I just don't have any explanation for my participation in the mess with R except for pure selfishness. I have no excuses, I have no defense. I was just plain wrong on all counts.

I hope that my husband can forgive for his own sake. I think that he can, eventually. He is a good, good man and he did not deserve this at all. He is truly a man of God, and he inspires me every day to be better. I do think you're right that any sort of sit down would have to be initiated by him and not be to re-hash things, and if it happens, it will happen later and with the guidance of the Spirit.

I know I am rambling alot here, and I appreciate that anyone is taking the time to read all of this and respond. The prayers are much, much needed and much appreciated as well.

 

[ImmanuelWithUs]

I just wanted to tell you that I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time right now. And I wanted to remind you that, had you not been a sinner to begin with, you wouldn't need a precious Savior and Friend like our Lord. So even this is a blessing. We all sin and suffer the consequences of it, so please try not to feel alone. How wonderful (for all of us!) that even before we commit a sin, He's forgiven us and washed us clean in His blood. God bless you, friend.

 

[Lion_of_Judah]

I hope that my husband can forgive for his own sake. I think that he can, eventually.
There was never a time that I did not love my husband, or want to be with him.

My husband is not moving up; he is part of the technical team here in our office and R will be joining that team.

I believe he can and will. All in good time. ...uggh.... that whole time thing.

When the opportunity presents itself, remind him of the man he is.. concerning R in particular.
Not too over optimistic... just the man you still know & love.

In a ironic sense.. God uses the weak things of this world... sometimes.. weaknesses.


Continue to pray about that gift.. for him.


When all is said and done, I believe you two will be more bonded together, and more prepaired to do what God is leading you to, than you presently realize.

As I mentioned before, he's going through a most difficult trial. You already know a man's mind can race with thoughts...which must be brought into the obedience of Christ. So many others don't when faced with such matters.. and worse.
I feel your husband will triumph over the enemy. He's got a great cheerleader ; )

Trust in the Lord with all your heart..

God bless you both,
Marco









....the gift.....................................................................

 

[PirateLady]

Thank you, again.

Last night was not much fun, as my husband had questions about the length of time that R and I had 'carried on'. We had a long conversation, and while he was not trying to make me feel any worse on purpose, by the time it was over the shame was so overwhelming that I thought for awhile I wouldn't be able to bear it. He was trying to be very kind to me, but his hurt is such a palpable presence that it makes me feel worse when he tries to help me.

He is off this morning to speak to a friend, J, from our church and home group. We have a Christmas dinner with the home group on Friday, and I am wondering how I will face our friend there. But I want H to have someone to talk to, someone to help him work through this, and J is a good man.

I have left a message for my pastor, and hopefully she will call me today. H suggested that I contact her and set up a time to meet and talk with her, get started with some outside help. In the midst of his own pain, he's concerned about how I feel and I think with the fact that I am not handling this well physically. I haven't eaten more than a few bites a day since lunch on Tuesday - food just gets too big in my mouth and almost gags me. I also haven't been sleeping well at all.

Someone suggested that I read Psalm 103, and I did so this morning. There is comfort there and I embrace it, though my insides still feel so frozen that I can't feel His presence. I am leaning on what I know to be true, and not how I feel. But Oh Lord, I will be so very, very glad to see the other side of this someday and to have learned the lesson He has for me in all of it so well that there will be NO chance that anything like this will EVER happen again. The friend that H is talking with today is a big advocate of thanking God for all circumstances in your life, even the most devestating ones because they are all opportunities. It's so hard to do, though...

The support I have found here is wonderful. I'm not looking for anyone to make me feel better about what I did because it was sinful and wrong on mulitiple levels. But the reminders of God's grace have helped, and prayers are always so very appreciated.

I don't feel much like a Christian right now. Once this begins to trickle out, as things like this have a tendency to do, my witness will be severely damaged and people who once respected me will see me as a hypocrite. H still feels that he should step back from ordination because he didn't 'keep his own house in order'. I am going to look deeper into the verse in Timothy, but can a man - even a pastor- be expected to correct something of which he knows nothing? Wouldn't 'keeping your own house in order' mean not changing behaviors that you KNOW about? I just don't know... I know he has to do what he feels God is leading him to do. The burden of knowing I may have damaged his calling to be a pastor crushes me all over again.

 

[jiggyfly]

I don't feel much like a Christian right now. Once this begins to trickle out, as things like this have a tendency to do, my witness will be severely damaged and people who once respected me will see me as a hypocrite. H still feels that he should step back from ordination because he didn't 'keep his own house in order'. I am going to look deeper into the verse in Timothy, but can a man - even a pastor- be expected to correct something of which he knows nothing? Wouldn't 'keeping your own house in order' mean not changing behaviors that you KNOW about? I just don't know... I know he has to do what he feels God is leading him to do. The burden of knowing I may have damaged his calling to be a pastor crushes me all over again.

First, let me say, the powerful witness is not about how good of a christian we are but rather how good Jesus is. If there is anything worthwhile about us in our testimony it is the fact of how underserving we really are and yet God still pours out His love on us.

Romans 5:20&21
But law came in, in order that the offence might abound; but where sin abounded grace has overabounded, in order that, even as sin has reigned in [the power of] death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

2Corintians 4:7
But this precious treasure--this light and power that now shine within us--is held in perishable containers, that is, in our weak bodies. So everyone can see that our glorious power is from God and is not our own.

We are His witnesses and we testify of and to His faithfulness for His glory. So sister just be humbled and let God's grace shine and His Son be revealed in you and don't worry about what the religious zealots think of you, your husband or your marriage, and remember this grace is not something that you must earn through some kind of religious penance, it is a gift through Christ's sacrifice. A repentant heart is a fruit of abiding in/with Christ not a requisite.

 

[Giggles4God]

None us of are perfect. When we place someone on a pedestal and think they are so perfect and everything, when they fall (and they will) it shatters our view of them, BUT it doesn't shatter God's.

God knows we are but dust. God knows that you are struggling with this. Have you asked Him for forgiveness, have you asked your husband, have you forgiven yourself? Being in unforgiveness is a hard place to be (I would even say it is sin since God said to forgive each other). We are to forgive so that God can forgive us. That includes forgiving ourselves (the hardest to forgive in my opinion).

I believe that satan and his demons are trying to get to you (might already have). Do not believe the lies he is feeding you! Jesus has bought you...all of us with a high price. It is no different now then before. Yes, you fell, but Jesus was and is there to dust you off and stand you up.

My pastor has said 'You can't have a testimony without a test.' When you get on the other said of this, you'll have a testimony to share and show how stepping on hot coals is NOT a good idea. Just putting your toe on the hot coal (temptation) will burn.

Also, remember the song by Casting Crowns that says 'Praise Him in the storm!' Do that! Satan won't know what to do with that.

Blessings sister!

~G4G (Jen)

 

[PirateLady]

Our God is an AWESOME God!

I had a terrible morning, waiting for H to come home from our friend's house, wondering if I would ever be able to show my face there again, etc.

But God's grace is truly, truly amazing and when H came home, he told me that he loves me and forgives me and wants this marriage to be all it should be. At the words "I forgive you" all of the cold, sick, dreadful ice in my chest melted away and I was filled with gratitude, joy, and amazement.

I'm sure there will still be moments when this won't feel so great as we move on past it and continue our lives. But just yesterday I was sure there could be no good to come of this, and now I know - once again - that God really CAN bring good from anything! And there may be more good to come of this still, in the future. We are committed to working together to continue to build a loving, strong, God-centered marriage that can withstand any attack from satan as well as our own selfishness.

Oh Jesus - You are so good to us!

Thank you, everyone, for your prayers and support. I am looking forward to spending time at TJ, and getting to know all of you better.

 

[Giggles4God]

Praise God!

 

[MiccyinFl]

Yes Praise God ! Thank you Lord for all that you do in our lives !!
Miccy