Alone

[Aurafairy]

I don't know why I am even writing this here, part of me knows I will only be disappointed by the lack of real help. There are so many liars. Why are there so many liars? Every time I go to church I feel like it's a buisiness and the only reason it exists is for the tithes, the money.


So, why am I so desperate? I am a Christian, I think. It gets hard not to doubt sometimes. Especially when you feel so... different.... and don't fit in with anyone, even Christians. Think Christians are harminous? Just look at all the things they can't agree on. Lordship Salvation is one of the worst, most detrimental lies I have ever had the displeasure of dealing with.

I'm writing this because I'm drunk. I've gotten so drunk I barely feel alive, like sheer will and attention keeps me from passing out into death. I've been drinking because I need an escape from the emptiness and suffering.

I'm destroying myself and no one cares enough to say anything, to be there, to stop me. I thought God would help and save me. TBH the first bottle I bought was so I could kill myself with alcohol but now I'm on my second liter in the past week. This isn't the first time I've felt suicidal. When I was thirteen, I'm twenty three now I got drunk and hung myself out of a window but the cord was unable to support my weight and broke.

I became a Christian.... found the truth.... almost three years ago. This whole time I've been waiting for a change but there has been little to nothing. Same, bad life, bad self.... no signs of God or Jesus speaking to me, no supernatural feelings..........

I'm tired of typing now, so, the end, thanks for your time.

 

[Brad Huber]

I would be happy to pray for you, but it seems to me you can only see the evil in others. What would we do if our truly Holy God felt that way? Why do you have such high expectations of your fellow sinful man? Have you reached a state of perfection, that you expect them to be perfect in your eyes?

 

[Aurafairy]

My deepest thanks to you Brad. Few people would care enough to even reply.

Maybe, but, I honestly don't care about humans. I only care about God and I. I've been waiting on Him and he has done nothing to show he cares for me or to help with my worldly life that I hate. I suppose you could say this self harm is all a cry for his attention and help.

 

[Chad]

I don't know why I am even writing this here, part of me knows I will only be disappointed by the lack of real help. I guess I'm desperate; desperate enough to write this on a forum where the owner ignored me in times past and I afterwords read some not nice things about him online. There are so many liars. Why are there so many liars? Every time I go to church I feel like it's a buisiness and the only reason it exists is for the tithes, the money.


So, why am I so desperate? I am a Christian, I think. It gets hard not to doubt sometimes. Especially when you feel so... different.... and don't fit in with anyone, even Christians. Think Christians are harminous? Just look at all the things they can't agree on. Lordship Salvation is one of the worst, most detrimental lies I have ever had the displeasure of dealing with.

I'm writing this because I'm drunk. I've gotten so drunk I barely feel alive, like sheer will and attention keeps me from passing out into death. I've been drinking because I need an escape from the emptiness and suffering.

I'm destroying myself and no one cares enough to say anything, to be there, to stop me. I thought God would help and save me. TBH the first bottle I bought was so I could kill myself with alcohol but now I'm on my second liter in the past week. This isn't the first time I've felt suicidal. When I was thirteen, I'm twenty three now I got drunk and hung myself out of a window but the cord was unable to support my weight and broke.

I became a Christian.... found the truth.... almost three years ago. This whole time I've been waiting for a change but there has been little to nothing. Same, bad life, bad self.... no signs of God or Jesus speaking to me, no supernatural feelings..........

I'm tired of typing now, so, the end, thanks for your time.

I don't appreciate your insults and derogatory remarks about me. Your personal attacks and "I don't care about humans except God" says a lot about you. You can read about me and anyone online as you wish and believe whatever you want, but don't come here mocking me and asking people for help. That's disgraceful.

I suggest starting with yourself and changing your attitude first before casting condemnation on me, others and the church.

 

[Aurafairy]

I'm not condemning you I am just being honest... It's not slander if it's true?

I didn't mean to offend, I only meant to say how I feel and how others have treated me. I did write to ask you a simple question once and you ignored me, no?

I will say if you keep this up I certainly would respect you

but once again everyone has been nasty to me because of how I am..... so I guess I'm the one who's wrong. I'm probably wrong.

People can't help me. So then what hope is there for me other than God who has not answered?

Am I then hopeless.

 

[Brad Huber]

God so loved the world (and mankind), that Christ died for us while we were still sinners and didn't care about Him. Why would you not care about what God loves? Do you understand why the second greatest commandment was given? If you cannot love your fellow human being, its no wonder God is letting you suffer until you learn compassion for others.

 

[Aurafairy]

Ok, I apologize Chad. I know I've been... insubordinate.

I went to the body of Christ for help right here and now and they disliked/hated me? Does that mean I'm not a Christian?

What should I change my attitude to? This is one hundred percent serious. And how can I change who I am/ how I feel? IDK but I promised God I would follow the advice of this thread as best I could.

 

[Chad]

God so loved the world (and mankind), that Christ died for us while we were still sinners and didn't care about Him. Why would you not care about what God loves? Do you understand why the second greatest commandment was given? If you cannot love your fellow human being, its no wonder God is letting you suffer until you learn compassion for others.

Amen.

@Aurafairy your response is ridiculous and dishonest. You don't seek help by mocking someone, especially directly at the owner on his site. Get real and grow up. You don't need to persuade anyone that someone or people have said negative things about me. They will be judged like the rest of us.

Did it ever occur to you that I may not have received your email? If I did, does it give you the right to be condescending here publicly towards me because I didn't respond? You're not honest at all.

 

[Brad Huber]

Its hard for anyone, Christian or not, to deal with your problems online. That's why God puts people into our lives, for firsthand care. You haven't even stated specifically what you might need, just that you are disappointed in Christianity, and ready to give up on God, and angry that someone hasn't solved all your problems for you which you haven't even stated what they are.

 

[Aurafairy]

@Chad I am very sorry my dear Christian. I have removed said things. You're right I must have been harboring some resentments and I have no right to react in such a way but I feel very alone and when you say for me to grow up it hurts me feelings and makes me question if that is how God feels about me.

I hope he does not because I am a twenty three almost twenty four year old girl who still lives at home with her mom. I have no education belond eighth grade and I have never had a job. I am a total loser and my life is pain and being rejected so ma ny time by people who were supposed to help has made me more and more depressed. I have many issues and I dont know how to make you see the pain I am in to be in such a state.

I know it's bad that I don;t like or even love humans but I'm not sure how I can make myself feel something I don't. If God promised me I could be with him forever and all I had to do in return was to erase myself and make myself someone else I would take that offer in a heartbeat. In fact I suspect that is how it is in the afterlife anyway because the former things will not be remembered.

I don't know what I need I'm just very sad and pathetic and I feel lost... even if all the faith I have tells me not to be and tells me that this does not matter.

Can't you see that you are dealing with a broken human being? I don't think you know the depths of my despair or maybe you would not b e so harsh. Though I \admit I come to you now in a less than desirable state. I am so sorry. I would never want to offend Christians. It's bad for me

 

[Chad]

@Chad I am very sorry my dear Christian. I have removed said things. You're right I must have been harboring some resentments and I have no right to react in such a way but I feel very alone and when you say for me to grow up it hurts me feelings and makes me question if that is how God feels about me.

I hope he does not because I am a twenty three almost twenty four year old girl who still lives at home with her mom. I have no education belond eighth grade and I have never had a job. I am a total loser and my life is pain and being rejected so ma ny time by people who were supposed to help has made me more and more depressed. I have many issues and I dont know how to make you see the pain I am in to be in such a state.

I know it's bad that I don;t like or even love humans but I'm not sure how I can make myself feel something I don't. If God promised me I could be with him forever and all I had to do in return was to erase myself and make myself someone else I would take that offer in a heartbeat. In fact I suspect that is how it is in the afterlife anyway because the former things will not be remembered.

I don't know what I need I'm just very sad and pathetic and I feel lost... even if all the faith I have tells me not to be and tells me that this does not matter.

Can't you see that you are dealing with a broken human being? I don't think you know the depths of my despair or maybe you would not b e so harsh. Though I \admit I come to you now in a less than desirable state. I am so sorry. I would never want to offend Christians. It's bad for me

Apology accepted.

The purpose of this site is to help people get to know Christ. In order to do so, one must be open hearted and humble to understand, willing to listen and learn. We're here to help you and everyone else. I hope you now understand how you came off was unacceptable, but I do hope you'll grow and learn from here.

God loves you. The Cross is real, the Cross was done for you (yes, you) and all of us.

John 3:16 is the summit of the entire bible and makes it clear GOD's intentions for mankind. Redemption, freedom, grace, forgiveness, love.

 

[Brad Huber]

You need to speak to someone, either a psychologist, or better yet, a pastor. Go through several until you feel God's leading to stay (there are a lot who have lost their saltiness). Though you must trust in God, you must make that step of faith. I am praying for you!

 

[Fragrant Grace]

I became a Christian.... found the truth.... almost three years ago. This whole time I've been waiting for a change but there has been little to nothing. Same, bad life, bad self.... no signs of God or Jesus speaking to me, no supernatural feelings..........

And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free
John 8:32

@Aurafairy

I do not want to add much to what brothers Chad and Brad Huber have already said.
Just a few words...

Aurafairy, the wonderful gift of Salvation brings glorious freedom to those who accept the Saviour.
The indwelling Holy Spirit gently guides, comforts and leads so that born again believers may grow in grace and truth.
And although the path is often tough, and the flesh may fight back, the Lord never forsakes His own.

Come before the Lord in prayer.....asking Him to strip you of everything that is not of Him
Lay down everything before His cross and commit all to Him

He will not let you down.....and He will hear that prayer.
If you are truly saved He will lead you in His ways
If you were never truly saved three years ago...(and I say that kindly because I sense some doubt when I read your posts).....He will accept you right now just as you are....because He loves you no matter what and died to save you

All that the Father giveth me shall come to Me; and him that cometh to Me I will in no wise cast out.
John 6:37

 

[Shutterbug]

Good evening Aurafairy;

There will always be occasions when we sincerely question if life as we choose to live it is worth the effort. Being drunk simply tells me that it's a way of minimizing the pain. Solomon said that depression sometimes calls for strong drink. It won't solve any problems, but it helps ease the anguish.Two liters in a week is hardly a drinking problem. If it was a 40 pounder a night for a year, I'd say that something isn't quite right.

You want something to happen, but it isn't. What is it that is not meeting your expectations? Between you, me, and the walls, liquor simply stifles the will to create because it dulls the senses. It's purpose is to relax, not to provide inspiration. What is it you want to achieve? Why? Is it achieveable? If so, how?

 

[Aurafairy]

I wish I felt God, that he would speak to me, that he would do something in my life.

I mean, I do believe sometimes he does through his word, but, how can I know I'm not just making up that there is a meaning in the words (personally, in response to me and what I've prayed about and after I asked him to speak to me- where I then use a bible code generator that always will say something, to anyone that can click a button...

Here's what I got a few minutes ago:
And also the Strength of Israel will not lie nor repent: for he is not a man, that he should repent. 1 Samuel 15:29 (KJV)

 

[amadeus2]

I wish I felt God, that he would speak to me, that he would do something in my life.

What is it that any of us wants from God and what is it that He desires from us? All of the things good that we have received from God are not already more than enough? What rewards did Stephen get in this world? (See Acts chapters 6 & 7.)

I mean, I do believe sometimes he does through his word, but, how can I know I'm not just making up that there is a meaning in the words (personally, in response to me and what I've prayed about and after I asked him to speak to me- where I then use a bible code generator that always will say something, to anyone that can click a button...

The meaning in part at least is already in your heart. You became a Christian, did you not? That was not a fluke. That was not an accident. Do want to see what Stephen saw a they were stoning his natural body to death? You can, but are you willing to pay the price that he was willing to pay? The reward is not in this world, although God may indeed reward us in natural things while we are here. But, you must reach out to Him when you cannot hear Him. You must take hold of His hand when you cannot see it with your natural eyes

Here's what I got a few minutes ago:
And also the Strength of Israel will not lie nor repent: for he is not a man, that he should repent. 1 Samuel 15:29 (KJV)

Earlier in this thread you spoke of everyone being liars and perhaps you should consider this part of scripture as well:

"God forbid: yea, let God be true, but every man a liar; as it is written, That thou mightest be justified in thy sayings, and mightest overcome when thou art judged." Romans 3:4

When we come short of God's glory, we likely are liars. We are lying at least to ourselves. You are having difficulties in your walk with God because you do not know or understand the answers. No one but God understands all of the answers. Sometimes He will share an answer with you or me, but we must learn that sometimes He withholds an immediate or complete answer to test us. Do we love Him when we cannot see Him or touch Him or hear Him? Is our love toward God conditional? Do we only love Him when He responds to us in the way we desire? Remember Thomas?

"And Thomas answered and said unto him, My Lord and my God.

Jesus saith unto him, Thomas, because thou hast seen me, thou hast believed: blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed." John 20:28-29

God is always present even when we cannot see, hear, touch, taste or smell Him. He doesn't want us to live for Him by knowledge, but by faith!

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1

Give God the glory even when He doesn't seem to be around. He really is!

 

[Aurafairy]

I do love God but I wish he would help me, it's like I've gone off the rails... and I'm not being good to him. =( Those are the things that make me the most sad...

Thank you everyone for your replies. At first I felt like Job... with friends who seemed to make sense but only condemned. Sometimes, I relate to people in the bible and the people who loved God the most , went through darkness?

 

[Brad Huber]

I do love God but I wish he would help me, it's like I've gone off the rails... and I'm not being good to him. =( Those are the things that make me the most sad...

Thank you everyone for your replies. At first I felt like Job... with friends who seemed to make sense but only condemned. Sometimes, I relate to people in the bible and the people who loved God the most , went through darkness?

Indeed, the very darkness which often seeks to engulf us, is for the believer, the very thing which drives us further into the safety of our Lord. And Job never spoke evil of the Lord, or of abandoning Him, he just whined a lot, and we all tend to do that at times, myself included. But in the end of the story of Job, even he repented of his whining. The best I can do myself when I am whiny, is simply trust in His promises. I pray you can bring yourself to that point sister.

 

[farout]

Aurafairy: Do you expect to just lay back and and God will change you without you doing anything? No where in Scripture does it say the Holy Spirit will magically transform you into a totally different person whit out you doing a thing. Just what did you do when you began to believe in Jesus Christ?

In all honesty we surrender to Jesus Christ and ask Him to save us. We confess that we are sinners, and repent, as proof that the Holy Spirit has indeed entered our life, that happend when we make Jesus Christ our Lord. We surrebder to His Lordship over us. Becoming a Christian (Christ like) is not accomplished on one prayer or even in a day or week; becoming Christ like takes a lifetime. Dear friend, unless you start your life with Christ as a beggar in need of forgiveness of your sins and wanting to become a new person, by becoming a follower of Jesus Christ, than your prayers are useless.

I don't know if you are a genuine follower of Christ or not. It sure sounds like you have missed to real meaning of what a Christian really is. You say you found the truth, but what is the truth? Unless you found that you are lost and bound for hell, and dead in your sins; tht you are in serious need of a Savior, thatn you did not find the truth. The fact you have been waiting for a change tells me you did not find the truth, you only found a need to change. Under the circumstances you stated there will be no intimate closeness with Jesus. Jesus speaks to us by us reading in His Word, the BIBLE> Do not expect feelings because our feelings lie to us. When we are in His Word, and we pray and follow His Word then we can see Christ at work by His Holy Spirit in us.

Killing your self will only find yourself in hell, if you are not a follower of Jesus Christ, a much worse place than you are already in now. You have no peace, and I expect it because you have never surrendered to Jesus Christ and confessed your sins and asked for Jesus to save you. You must become a follower of Jesus Christ if you are sincere about wanting to become a true Christian. The proof a person is a born again believer in Jesus Christ is what have you done with Jesus Christ. Just saying a prayer and not surrendering to him and becoming a follower.

I would expect after three yeras and you are still showing no evidence of being a Christian, that the chances are that you are not a Christian. Do not rely on what ever happened three years ago. Now it's time to surrender to Christ Jesus, Acknowledge you are a sinner before Jesus, confess your sins, and change the direction from the sinful worldly way you are living now. One trate of unbelievers is drunkness, lies, and bleming God for not meeting our expecations. Are your ready to make Jesue Christ your Savior?

 

[Arabhorselover]

I don't have any idea whether or not the OP has surrendered herself to Christ or not, but I do not believe that her not feeling at peace means that she is not a Christian.

I have many many years of experience at not feeling at peace with God even though I was baptized and raised in the church. I believed, but I grew up seeing God as a judge, and as not caring what happened to me and my family. I felt this way because as a child I prayed and prayed to a God that I was told cared, and it seemed that I never got a response. Things did not change for the better. Then, starting as a teenager, I began to overeat in order to cope with life. I turned to food rather than turning to the God who didn't seem to care.

I am 53 now, and to make a very long story short I only very recently feel that I have found my way back to God. He gets all of the credit for my losing 18 pounds since the beginning of September. He was there waiting all those years for me to decide that He could be better than the food. I had asked him for help with my eating so many times, but I didn't really want the help. I was afraid, and I did not want to give up eating what I wanted, when I wanted, and as much as I wanted. Now I only pray to stay close to Him and to continue to rely on Him rather than excess food.

So I say to the OP that God is there, and He does care. There is no doubt in my mind as to his existence even though I have never had one of those "experiences" either.