Hello everyone,
I Don't question my belief in God, but I tell you, I often feel a million miles away. I don't feel God and I don't have the fruits of the Spirit.
I wish I was born a better person but I wasn't and those wicked people cpunted as tares--one of them IS me.
Knowledge does me no good in this relationship. I have hated even myself to this day. But I am not bad to others. I could say more but it's pretty pointless now.
I've never maintained a relationship. Not even one friendship. I've been completely alone for a very long time.
How can I begin building this relationship with God?
Awww ... TW, you really are in a bad place at the moment; I feel so sorry for you because like most in here, we've been there and some still are. Reading your post I'm wondering if things are quite as bad as you think they are, or have you been tricked and deceived into thinking that they are?
From my experience, God is all around you, and he's even inside you. No you don't always realise it or feel it, but He's there with you. What you need to is to exercise faith and step out and start talking to Him. Tell Him you love Him, tell Him why and what it is about Him that you love so much. Thank and praise Him, chat to Him like He's your best mate that you went to school with, because He is. Tell Him your likes, your dislikes and your how you're feeling and about your family.
I think in your post, you're very hard on yourself. I've read a few of your posts, and from what I've read, I like you. And of course there's someone else who loves you so dearly, He was really aggrieved that you were heading towards an unthinkable eternity and so He had to rescue you, even at the cost of His own Son. So now He's desperately looking forward to welcoming you into His kingdom to be His adopted son/daughter, changing you so that you even look like Jesus. How wonderful is that? For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. Romans 8:29 NKJV
You may not have known this but you've got an invisible enemy, who hates you with a passion. Unlike God, he puts you down, he lies to you, tells you're rubbish, you're useless, you're a tare. Lies, lies, lies, you're not any of those things, you're a lovely brother/sister, and I'd like to be your first earthly friend. You started a PM chat a few days ago. Let's develop that and become friends. If that's what you'd like, get back to me telling me a little bit about yourself.
People will tell you to big yourself up, learn to love yourself. I'd say, no, don't do that, you'll feel good about yourself for about 20 minutes and then sink back. Rather, let God big you up. Pray and ask Him, what is it about you and your characteristics that He loves so much that He called you? God will reveal to you just how lovely you really are. You can help that process along by looking after yourself with healthy eating and lots of exercise.
You think that you have no friends; OK, so you post on Facebook and you get zero likes and no comments or shares. So chuffing what?!! Being popular, the life and soul of the party, when you boil it all down, it isn't as wonderful as it appears to be when looking from outside in. I'm sure pretty sure, not from personal experience because I'm pretty much in the same boat as you on this one, but from the writings of someone who was every bit the life and soul, Solomon in the book of Ecclesiastes. In Ecclesiastes 2:6-11 he muses about his material acquisitions, human exploitation and sexual conquests but by Ecclesiastes 8:14-17 Solomon advises you to seek, seek pleasures because they're more easily found than God (v15). But by Ecclesiastes 12:6 his advice changes again, he says, remember your creator when you're old and everything turns to mush and you realise that your life's achievements are just vanity. In short, everything about this world that on the surface looks so tantalising, awesome and wonderful; money, material acquisitions, sex and power, when you boil it all down is just pooh. Solomon's a lot more polite than me, he uses the term vanity.
A more contemporary example is the DJ, Avicci. 6-7 years ago he was at the top of his game, loads of chart hits, touring the world, a megga fan base but life was just pressure and demands but little in the way of meaningful relationships, friends or purpose in his life so he turned to alcohol and substance abuse. In rehab he turned to Hindu meditation and soon after, topped himself.
All of this is at best, just a thin veneer, at worst, a mirage, underneath, it's all mush. Don't be deceived, instead, just focus on what matters. Colossians 3:1-3.
Right, I've got to go. The wife's been away for a week, so I've got a week's worth of washing up to do lol.
Take care, have a lovely weekend and I hope to hear from you soon.
God bless, love,
Andy
