Built up on a grief rollercoaster

[ajmesmcpb]

First off I don't know if I am doing this right. so I apologize. I am here looking to find honestly I am not even sure. I guess I will start off right from the beginning. I have a son who just turned 6 this passed September who is my world and so verthiy bright. Now for the past year I have had to watch him be angry, sad, happy and all the above. We lost his father to a sudden heart attack. They were best friends. His father was my best friend. It was so shocking words can not explain. He was 24. I took his father to doctors numerous times because he would have stomach issues. They would come out of the blue. We would all be having a fantastic day and all of a sudden he would be down, saying sharp pains in his stomach. This went on I would say for almost two years. All we would get from doctors was a flu. The last time I took him in I was angry feeling like they wouldn't even look. I had mentioned I never heard of someone having the flu so often with such symptoms. It would go on for weeks and he would lose so much weight. every time though it would just go away instantly. Like nothing happened. He was so strong and would still go to work or still help me with our son . Like I said he was my best friend, we had are hard times though that's where I think I become so angry right now . Not because of our hard times. But that we got through it all before he had passed. ( sorry if all over the place but I feel I need to explain everything) We were a young couple with a child and there were a lot of up and downs . As we grew older we started to become a team. Which I prayed for all the time. We found a church and were going every Sunday . Let me tell you was the best thing for our family. I felt like we finally got it! We were a whole as a family with Christ. We weren't arguing we were each others rock. I couldn't of been an happier. Then all of a sudden he got sick again just in seconds . We were just having a conversation with my grandparents about how we need to find a doctor who will just start test and look just to give us a peace of mind, well that night it was just another night of him being sick. We helped him get a bath started and my son and I slept in the living room. I checked on him one more time before I laid down for the night . I asked if he needed anything . This is what his last words were to me. " just pray for my tummy to feel better , love you" I replied " I will, love you too" And I did I prayed for his tummy to feel better I didn't like seeing him in pain. The next morning we woke up and it was church. I already thought to myself he will probably stay home from being sick all night, so I snuck in the bedroom to get my stuff to get ready. We were ready to leave and I thought oh he will know we went to church we should leave him be , then I thought no I will have my son go in and give him a kiss and say bye . Well again I changed my mind and I went in, ..... I put my knee on the bed to lean over and touched his shoulder and looked at him. I instantly knew something was wrong. As details go on I hear "mama " and at the door is our son and his face I will never forget .. I knew my son already knew . our world just stopped.

I know we don't always get answers I know things happen for a reason I know god has plans for us I know I don't have control but yes there is a but ... I cant wrap around my head why still I feel like I cant keep putting on a smile and strong for myself and my son, we went through so much as a family and finally came to peace I call it and then he was taken away. Now I have to watch my son hurt and be in fear. I tell him we need to trust god and I tell myself that , But as a mother I feel like part of me I cant do my job. what do I say when my six year old says mama I hope me and you go to heaven at the same time so we don't have to miss each other. There is no sugar coating for a child in this. I just feel like we get going on wih our lives and be strong and boom were both back down again, I know its day by day but I just don't know what to do anymore.....

 

[Brad Huber]

There is nothing I can say that will lessen the pain of losing someone you love. Your husband, your best friend, and your lover. I can tell you it will get better eventually for both of you, but thats a ways off. You will feel emotinally dead for some time. But no matter how hard it becomes, spend more time with your son, grieve with him, cry with him, but spend more time with him. I gladly pray for you!!

 

[ajmesmcpb]

That's all that feels right is when I am with my son. thank you for your prayers so very much

 

[pekoe]

Saying prayers for you and your son dear believer. Cling tight to Jesus.

 

[Coconut]

Love to you and your little boy Sister, the God of all comforts is holding you both i`m sure, and He won`t let go.. take heart in knowing He will never leave you to deal with this pain alone <3

 

[Coconut]

Lost in a little room
One with white-out windows where no one goes
Lost in an empty space
Where no one else can reach me or hear me cry
But The Shepherd never sleeps
Nor leaves the searching for His sheep

You will find my heart again
You can warm my fears away
And I wont be alone
For You will bring me home again
Safe into the shadow of Your hand...<3

http://youtu.be/xSF2C2amor0

 

[Chad]

@ajmesmcpb

I'm sorry to hear about this loss. I don't want to throw a bunch of advice and preaching at you, but to say two things. One, will pray the Lord strengthens you, comforts you and holds you in His love and grace. He will indeed. Second, tonight in prayer I was thinking how much I love my family. My parents, brothers, sister, kids, cousins, everyone. My friends too. Then, I tried to wrap my mind around how much more does our GOD, Savior Jesus love people beyond our comprehension? He has our best interest in mind, from day one and He will bless your life and restore the joy unto you.

Psalm 30:5
For His anger endureth but a moment, and in His favor is life; weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Jeremiah 1:5
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

 

[Fragrant Grace]

@ajmesmcpb

Praying for you and your precious son
May you know the Lord's comforting presence and may He strengthen you and fill you with His perfect peace

He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.
He telleth the number of the stars; He calleth them all by their names.
Great is our Lord, and of great power: His understanding is infinite.
Psalm 147:3-5

 

[Brighthouse]

I wish to send you comfort sister Ajmesmcpb. when i was 17 my dad passed away,and my mother who had not worked in some 20 years now had to find work,she also had to learn how to drive a car! It was very tough! After her death, we found that mom kept a secret diary!! My brother and I never knew of this all our lives! She would write all of her feeling down day after day,night after night,her fears,her worries about her two sons,her concerns over herself,and the security she always needed, and never felt she got!

Enclosed in each entry was a prayer for confidence,and a very bold statement of faith and truth! ( luke 1:37) again and again! She wrote,"i am writing down what my flesh is telling,me,and I am writing down what Holy Spirit is telling me! I choose to believe Jesus over my flesh,mentioned in each and every entry! It is so hard to endure!!( heb 10:36) But i must stay strong for my children sake,as well as for my own sake!" She never cried to us,she never talked about not making it to us,she endured for us! Dear sister. No one understand truly unless they are in your shoes!

But also no one but you can believe either! In all of our lives we come to a crossroads of the belief of our faith.For many it comes before we ever believe we are ready for it! Mom never thought about doing harm to herself,and the reason was she knew what being alone feels like, as she was an only child. Her comfort came from prayer, and believing,and in time she pulled us all through!! It was at the moment in her diary,she said," it is finished,i have kept the faith,i have endured all that was presented me in life,I have peace! "We never knew this till she passed away. Upon reading all of what she wrote,with tears going down both cheeks,I was made to understand rev 14:13!)

And i heard a voice from heaven,saying,write blessed are the dead which die in the Lord from NOW ON!! YES says the Spirit," so that they may rest from their labors( heb 4:11!!) for there deeds follow with them! And your memory of his strength in Christ Jesus rests now upon you to sister! Our flesh screams in reality,while our Spirit scream in the eternal!( 1 cor 4:16-18!!) What we decide to obey to, shows us the road we are following! And the result from the end of that road!

Be comforted sis!!( 2 cor 1:3-7) We are strengthened by grace!( heb 13:9) In all we endure, we like Paul and Silas praise our Jesus through the storm( acts 16:23-26) and suddenly!!! we in Christ Jesus stay strong!! If we begin to act like men and women in Christ Jesus( 1 cor 16:13-14) And suddenly will manifest itself and set us all free!

My blessing, along with my prayers are for you sis!! You are not alone! Do not let your heart ever be troubled!( john 14:1) There is not if you come through? There is only WHEN you come through!!( rom 8:31-39!!!) We believe,and so we all receive! Our only work!( john 6:28-29!!)

Moms last entry "(John 6:63) It is the Spirit who gives life!! the flesh profits nothing; the words that i have spoken to you are spirit and life! no matter what,I believe in my Jesus!!" 2 weeks later she passed away at 90 sis! She is a saint to me! Her deeds follow in me as well! To honor her, because she truly deserves my honor! Jesus ruled her life,and Jesus rules ours as well!!( rom 8:28!!) God bless you sis,and please take comfort from this ( jude 1:21-25!!) your brother,and friend to Jesus himself!! mark!