So my name on here is Spazz, and like I said in the testimony part of my bio, I'm pretty messed up boi. It all started in high school, when one of my classmates asked me why I believed in what I believed. I told him that it was because of faith, but for some reason, that wasn't good enough. I brushed him off as strange and kept moving on with my life, but a question kept nagging me, "where was my faith based on?"
Obviously, any Christian with half a brain cell would say "the Bible", and for a while, that was my answer. However, I came to realize that that reasoning was circular. "I believe in the Bible because the Bible tells me so". Even still, for the sake of how I grew up, I still pressed on and prayed every day. For every meal, for every breath. But then something hit me.
I was writing a book while in high school, and in one of the chapters, my female character ends up homeless. She's taken in my a young man, and she proceeds to live with him. Since I was all about that representation, I decided to make my male character a Christian. But then I started thinking, "would a Christian support cohabitation?" All my life, I always thought that the answer was a solid no, but after looking into the Bible for answers, I realized that there were none. I asked around. My Bible teacher told me about the appearance of sin, which is something that I still find ridiculous in my opinion. Another friend told me that it was risky, but I told her that my characters were purely platonic and that my male character respects the female. I finally came to the conclusion that the Bible wasn't clear on this issue, and I began to wonder what other issues did the Bible not settle on. And from there, I began to wonder just how stable of a foundation the Bible really was.
Okay, so at this point, I can figure that a lot of you would tell me to "pray on it", and, guess what? I did. I prayed. I prayed until my face was drenched in tears. I prayed until I could no longer breathe. I prayed hard and desperately, but I felt nothing. I read my Bible like it was my livelihood, but nothing. "5. Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6. But he must ask in faith, without doubting, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." That's what James 1:5-6 says, and I know that I was unrelenting in my faith, but still... nothing.
I attended a Christian school from the time I was in 4th grade all the way up to my graduation, and every Friday, there would be guest speakers who would come and, well, speak to us as a student body. And I remember the bitterness I would feel whenever I heard them talk about their encounter with God, and how God changed their lives, and I would compare it to my own story, how all my life I had this bold and childlike faith in God, yet now, now that I started to really think critically about what it is I'm being told, and what it is that I read, it was like God is turning his back on me. It made me sick. Eventually, I gave up on prayer and just jumped right into my meals.
At the point of my graduation, I was at an all time low. I still had yet to be accepted by any college, and God was still MIA in my life. I was beginning to feel like I was the naive person in the relationship, being neglected emotionally and constantly being left on read. All my life I had been treated as if I was stupid, by friends, family, acquaintances, and I felt like staying in the dark any longer will drive me insane.
It all started, then, with a question. "How do girls masterbate?" I googled it, something I would've never done before, and I found some videos. I hopped on pornhub and saw a few videos, and seeing how these girls were feeling such pleasure, I figured I might as well try it myself. It hurt at first, and I felt tremendous guilt afterwords. I tried to pray again. I figured, hey, at least I have a real sin I can ask for for forgiveness, but still there was nothing. No feeling, no connection, just shallow tears and a shaken worldview. I ventured out and started looking into regular porn, which made me feel incredible shame and guilt. I felt disgusting, and I abstained from porn for a while.
I tried to read my Bible, look into apologetics, and anything else that may bring me closer to God. But the more I researched, the more I reached out, the further away God seemed to be. I felt so stupid. All my life I had been taught that there was a God who loves me and wants to have a relationship with me, and I believed it.
After a few more midnight sessions, I stopped feeling the shame and the guilt. I guess, somewhere down the line, I kind of accepted that this is what I became. I can't read the Bible without feeling a twinge of sorrow for a lost past, and I can't pray without shaking the feeling that I may just be talking to dust. If there is a God, or any god, then why can't I feel him anymore? What went wrong? Why can't I shake this feeling that maybe it was all in my head, a sickening result of indocrination that had been instilled in me from the moment of my birth.
Sorry if this post is so long too. I have a lot going on in my head and, believe it or not, this doesn't even cover half of it. I would love to hear your thoughts on this, and even answer any questions if you have.
Obviously, any Christian with half a brain cell would say "the Bible", and for a while, that was my answer. However, I came to realize that that reasoning was circular. "I believe in the Bible because the Bible tells me so". Even still, for the sake of how I grew up, I still pressed on and prayed every day. For every meal, for every breath. But then something hit me.
I was writing a book while in high school, and in one of the chapters, my female character ends up homeless. She's taken in my a young man, and she proceeds to live with him. Since I was all about that representation, I decided to make my male character a Christian. But then I started thinking, "would a Christian support cohabitation?" All my life, I always thought that the answer was a solid no, but after looking into the Bible for answers, I realized that there were none. I asked around. My Bible teacher told me about the appearance of sin, which is something that I still find ridiculous in my opinion. Another friend told me that it was risky, but I told her that my characters were purely platonic and that my male character respects the female. I finally came to the conclusion that the Bible wasn't clear on this issue, and I began to wonder what other issues did the Bible not settle on. And from there, I began to wonder just how stable of a foundation the Bible really was.
Okay, so at this point, I can figure that a lot of you would tell me to "pray on it", and, guess what? I did. I prayed. I prayed until my face was drenched in tears. I prayed until I could no longer breathe. I prayed hard and desperately, but I felt nothing. I read my Bible like it was my livelihood, but nothing. "5. Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6. But he must ask in faith, without doubting, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." That's what James 1:5-6 says, and I know that I was unrelenting in my faith, but still... nothing.
I attended a Christian school from the time I was in 4th grade all the way up to my graduation, and every Friday, there would be guest speakers who would come and, well, speak to us as a student body. And I remember the bitterness I would feel whenever I heard them talk about their encounter with God, and how God changed their lives, and I would compare it to my own story, how all my life I had this bold and childlike faith in God, yet now, now that I started to really think critically about what it is I'm being told, and what it is that I read, it was like God is turning his back on me. It made me sick. Eventually, I gave up on prayer and just jumped right into my meals.
At the point of my graduation, I was at an all time low. I still had yet to be accepted by any college, and God was still MIA in my life. I was beginning to feel like I was the naive person in the relationship, being neglected emotionally and constantly being left on read. All my life I had been treated as if I was stupid, by friends, family, acquaintances, and I felt like staying in the dark any longer will drive me insane.
It all started, then, with a question. "How do girls masterbate?" I googled it, something I would've never done before, and I found some videos. I hopped on pornhub and saw a few videos, and seeing how these girls were feeling such pleasure, I figured I might as well try it myself. It hurt at first, and I felt tremendous guilt afterwords. I tried to pray again. I figured, hey, at least I have a real sin I can ask for for forgiveness, but still there was nothing. No feeling, no connection, just shallow tears and a shaken worldview. I ventured out and started looking into regular porn, which made me feel incredible shame and guilt. I felt disgusting, and I abstained from porn for a while.
I tried to read my Bible, look into apologetics, and anything else that may bring me closer to God. But the more I researched, the more I reached out, the further away God seemed to be. I felt so stupid. All my life I had been taught that there was a God who loves me and wants to have a relationship with me, and I believed it.
After a few more midnight sessions, I stopped feeling the shame and the guilt. I guess, somewhere down the line, I kind of accepted that this is what I became. I can't read the Bible without feeling a twinge of sorrow for a lost past, and I can't pray without shaking the feeling that I may just be talking to dust. If there is a God, or any god, then why can't I feel him anymore? What went wrong? Why can't I shake this feeling that maybe it was all in my head, a sickening result of indocrination that had been instilled in me from the moment of my birth.
Sorry if this post is so long too. I have a lot going on in my head and, believe it or not, this doesn't even cover half of it. I would love to hear your thoughts on this, and even answer any questions if you have.
