dealing with HIS pornography

[jpangel89]

I wanted to post this yesterday, but I had to wait for my account to register...

I can't do this anymore. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think.

My boyfriend of two years is addicted to porn. He's been addicted years before I met him. The day we started going out, he opened up to me. He said he didn't want to hide anything from me and that he wants to start our relationship with a foundation of honesty. I have always respected his courage to do this. That day he promised he'd stop.

Let's just say...that didn't happen.

From day one, I promised myself I'd be "supportive." I didn't want to be one of 'those' girlfriends who nagged all the time, or yelled, or belittled him. He's brave enough to talk to me about this, I don't want to mess that up.

And I don't just say "it's ok." I tell him how it makes me feel. I try saying it nicely, but he knows I'm not ok with it. And I'm not ok with it, at all.

He says he's trying, but it's been two years and I haven't seen any improvement. He was able to go a month without porn last summer (oh how I rejoiced) while under the supervision of his parents, but once he got back to school, he went right back to where he was. He still considers a week without porn a big achievement. A WEEK !!! (pardon my capped letters).

I'm sorry, is it just me, or is that pathetic? I know these things are difficult, and I haven't gone through it so I can't be the judge, but really.

But I can't just flat out and tell him this, because he-coupled with his addiction-has a huge self-esteem problem. Every time he "was bad" (as he calls it) he resorts to a massive pity party, bashing himself, claiming he's a monster, and how he doesn't deserve me, etc etc.

On top of all of this, his relationship with Christ isn't all it should be (as some of you might have guessed). He is a Christian, pk, but he's still in the developing stages in his walk with Christ.

Now is particularly rocky for him b/c (for those of you what haven't read my introduction) I have been in Japan for 8 months, and I will be here for another four months. He's taking my absence very hard, particularly b/c of an "incident" which happened to me only because I followed the call of God to stay in Japan (it was going to be a three month deal). So now, whenever he has an honest heart to heart with God, he ends up yelling at Him and blaming Him for what happened (which it a bit too complicated to deal with right here and now).

In short, my boyfriend knows the error of his ways, does not want to do them (the whole yelling at God and looking at porn), but does them anyways. As Romans 7:15 says, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."

I try encouraging him, but he still calls himself a monster. I could tell him what he's doing is wrong, but he already knows. I can't yell at him, b/c he does enough yelling at himself. I try giving him examples of my own relationship with God, but comparing his to mine only feeds the fire to the "you're so much better than I am" rut he gets into.

I don't know what to do. I am hurt. I am fed up. I want to help. But I don't know how.

I need advice, but I also need good ol' fashioned encouragement. The man I love keeps looking at naked women; I feel like...a word I can't say in this forum.

Please help.

 

[Ophel]

This man is not walking closely to God, or he would have victory over this by now.

In essence, he is cheating on you and having sex in his mind--adultery, fornication is being accounted to him as we speak. Carrying on a relationship with him is basically the same as what God warns us against: being unequally yoked with unbelievers.

If it were me, I would take a long hard look at the relationship and choose to walk with Jesus alone right now. Your strong faith is in jeopardy as long as you stay in a relationship with someone who has a vice like that.

Sure he has guilt and sure his self-esteem is not good--but the pornography feeds it. He needs spiritual DELIVERANCE. He needs a counselor and a man to whom he is accountable in order to overcome this thing. He also doesn't need a girlfriend--and you certainly do not deserve to feel like a used dishrag. You deserve a man of God who loves His Saviour and follows hard after Jesus Christ, honouring Him and giving you the honour and respect you deserve! Don't sell yourself so cheaply, dear.

 

[SpiritLedEd]

I try encouraging him, but he still calls himself a monster. I could tell him what he's doing is wrong, but he already knows

Dear lady,

You're attempting to fix a problerm that's well outside your area of expertise. That's the reason for your deep frustration. Please do some research on addictive behavior. I'm a recovering alcoholic. Trust me - "Just Say 'No!'" doesn't work. He needs help from people who are qualified to help. God uses 12-Step programs to help people get deliverance from addictions.

Spirit Led Ed (SLE)

 

[Giggles4God]

I think maybe having him read Every Man's Battle. Talking with a trusted mature Christian...possibly a pastor. He needs some more support and encouragement.

I know a friend whose husband had a porn addiction. If you want her blog, let me know. She just wrote a fictional story about it.

God Bless you and pray! Pray every day all day for him!

 

[jpangel89]

Thank you for your encouragement and advice.

We've just had a really long talk about it and I think things are going to get better. We've come to the conclusion that the root of the issue is that he identifies himself by his sin and not by who he is in Christ.

Here's hoping that moving the focus from his "problem" to Christ alone will help. He's already tried counseling and "Every Man's Battle."

I'll keep you posted

 

[jpangel89]

I know a friend whose husband had a porn addiction. If you want her blog, let me know. She just wrote a fictional story about it.

I would love it, thank you.

 

[jennie549]

I know how that feels, knowing that your boyfriend is looking at porn I mean. I was dating this guy, we both thought that we were 'meant to be', and then after only being together for 2 and a half months, he called it off, saying he didn't love me and how he was walking in disobedience with God. He was telling me before we broke up how he wanted to keep me accountable to what he was doing etc, but how on earth is a girl supposed to talk to her boyfriend about his porn addiction? I kept telling him he needed to find guys to talk to, that they would be able to help him more than I could. I guess he couldn't go on with life anymore, living the way that he was, so thankfully he sought counselling, and support. So currently he is gone for a year getting the support he needs.
I pray for him always, that he can get the help that he needs. I want to see him get better. When he broke up with me, he felt terrible afterwards. I don't want to lose his friendship over what happened between us.
Giggles, is it possible to get a copy of that blog link too? That would be super!

 

[Boanerges]

This man is not walking closely to God, or he would have victory over this by now.

I would not be so bold as to heap condemnation on any one who is struggling to get free if in fact they are really wanting that freedom. Also, if one has never had a particular struggle that one may not really understand the depth of the issue and the power it has in that ones life. When dealing with a babe in Christ one can expect such a babe to act just like babies do- cry, make a mess and be relatively helpless.
Sometimes there is a process in which the Holy Spirit convicts, the soul stumbles and the Holy Spirit convicts again. This process can go on in increasing magnitude until that soul hates the very sin he stumbles on so much that he cannot any longer stand the thought of it. This can indeed be a path to freedom.

Watchman Nee the Spiritual Man Volume 1 Chapter 7
HE DELIVERANCE OF THE CROSS
Upon reciting many deeds of the flesh in his Galatian letter, the Apostle Paul then points out that "those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires" (Gal. 5.24). Here is deliverance. Is it not strange that what concerns the believer vastly differs from what concerns God? The former is concerned with "the works of the flesh" (Gal. 5.19), that is, with the varying sins of the flesh. He is occupied with today's anger, tomorrow's jealousy, or the day after tomorrow's strife. The believer mourns over a particular sin and longs for victory over it. Yet all these sins are but fruits from the same tree. While plucking one fruit (actually one cannot pick off any), out crops another. One after another they grow, giving him no chance for victory. On the other hand God is concerned not with the works of the flesh but with "the flesh" itself (Gal. 5.24). Had the tree been put to death, would there be any need to fear lest it bear fruit? The believer busily makes plans to handle sins-which are the fruits, while forgetting to deal with the flesh itself-which is the root. No wonder that before he can clear up one sin, another has burst forth. We must therefore deal today with the source of sin.
Babes in Christ need to appropriate the deeper meaning of the cross, for they are still carnal. The aim of God is to crucify the believer's old man with Christ with the result that they who belong to Christ "have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires." Bear in mind that it is the flesh together with its powerful passions and desires that has been crucified. As the sinner was regenerated and redeemed from his sins through the cross, so now the carnal babe in Christ must be delivered from the rule of the flesh by the same cross so that he can walk according to the Spirit and no longer according to the flesh. Thereafter it will not be long before he becomes a spiritual Christian.
Here we find the contrast between the fall of man and the operation of the cross. The salvation provided by the latter is just the remedy for the former. How fitting indeed they are to each other. Firstly, Christ died on the cross for the sinner to remit his sin. A holy God could now righteously forgive him. But secondly, the sinner as well died on the cross with Christ so that his flesh might not control him any longer.
Only this can enable man's spirit to regain its proper rule, make the body its outward servant and the soul it's intermediary. In this way the spirit, the soul, and the body are restored to their original position before the fall. If we are ignorant of the meaning of the death herein described we shall not be delivered. May the Holy Spirit be our Revealer.

 

[Boanerges]

I can't do this anymore. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think.

Please check your PM box.

 

[JCslover]

I wanted to post this yesterday, but I had to wait for my account to register...

I can't do this anymore. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think.

My boyfriend of two years is addicted to porn. He's been addicted years before I met him. The day we started going out, he opened up to me. He said he didn't want to hide anything from me and that he wants to start our relationship with a foundation of honesty. I have always respected his courage to do this. That day he promised he'd stop.

Let's just say...that didn't happen.

From day one, I promised myself I'd be "supportive." I didn't want to be one of 'those' girlfriends who nagged all the time, or yelled, or belittled him. He's brave enough to talk to me about this, I don't want to mess that up.

And I don't just say "it's ok." I tell him how it makes me feel. I try saying it nicely, but he knows I'm not ok with it. And I'm not ok with it, at all.

He says he's trying, but it's been two years and I haven't seen any improvement. He was able to go a month without porn last summer (oh how I rejoiced) while under the supervision of his parents, but once he got back to school, he went right back to where he was. He still considers a week without porn a big achievement. A WEEK !!! (pardon my capped letters).

I'm sorry, is it just me, or is that pathetic? I know these things are difficult, and I haven't gone through it so I can't be the judge, but really.

But I can't just flat out and tell him this, because he-coupled with his addiction-has a huge self-esteem problem. Every time he "was bad" (as he calls it) he resorts to a massive pity party, bashing himself, claiming he's a monster, and how he doesn't deserve me, etc etc.

On top of all of this, his relationship with Christ isn't all it should be (as some of you might have guessed). He is a Christian, pk, but he's still in the developing stages in his walk with Christ.

Now is particularly rocky for him b/c (for those of you what haven't read my introduction) I have been in Japan for 8 months, and I will be here for another four months. He's taking my absence very hard, particularly b/c of an "incident" which happened to me only because I followed the call of God to stay in Japan (it was going to be a three month deal). So now, whenever he has an honest heart to heart with God, he ends up yelling at Him and blaming Him for what happened (which it a bit too complicated to deal with right here and now).

In short, my boyfriend knows the error of his ways, does not want to do them (the whole yelling at God and looking at porn), but does them anyways. As Romans 7:15 says, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."

I try encouraging him, but he still calls himself a monster. I could tell him what he's doing is wrong, but he already knows. I can't yell at him, b/c he does enough yelling at himself. I try giving him examples of my own relationship with God, but comparing his to mine only feeds the fire to the "you're so much better than I am" rut he gets into.

I don't know what to do. I am hurt. I am fed up. I want to help. But I don't know how.

I need advice, but I also need good ol' fashioned encouragement. The man I love keeps looking at naked women; I feel like...a word I can't say in this forum.

Please help.

sweetheart,if I was you i would give him an altimatum,tell him its either me or your porn,because I know what its like to have a husband addicted to porn and addicted to other woman,and i hate to see you go through what I went through.My ex didnt saw me any affections at all because he was so addicted to porn and talking to me about what it would be like for him to sleep with other woman,it hurts like hell.Its a reason for divorce because God says that he who lusted after other woman is commiting adultery of the heart.However it was good the way he was honest more than what my ex was to me.Maybe you could both see a pastor together and sort it together,i wish you all the best x

 

[Richie]

I wanted to post this yesterday, but I had to wait for my account to register...

I can't do this anymore. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think.

My boyfriend of two years is addicted to porn. He's been addicted years before I met him. The day we started going out, he opened up to me. He said he didn't want to hide anything from me and that he wants to start our relationship with a foundation of honesty. I have always respected his courage to do this. That day he promised he'd stop.

Let's just say...that didn't happen.

From day one, I promised myself I'd be "supportive." I didn't want to be one of 'those' girlfriends who nagged all the time, or yelled, or belittled him. He's brave enough to talk to me about this, I don't want to mess that up.

And I don't just say "it's ok." I tell him how it makes me feel. I try saying it nicely, but he knows I'm not ok with it. And I'm not ok with it, at all.

He says he's trying, but it's been two years and I haven't seen any improvement. He was able to go a month without porn last summer (oh how I rejoiced) while under the supervision of his parents, but once he got back to school, he went right back to where he was. He still considers a week without porn a big achievement. A WEEK !!! (pardon my capped letters).

I'm sorry, is it just me, or is that pathetic? I know these things are difficult, and I haven't gone through it so I can't be the judge, but really.

But I can't just flat out and tell him this, because he-coupled with his addiction-has a huge self-esteem problem. Every time he "was bad" (as he calls it) he resorts to a massive pity party, bashing himself, claiming he's a monster, and how he doesn't deserve me, etc etc.

On top of all of this, his relationship with Christ isn't all it should be (as some of you might have guessed). He is a Christian, pk, but he's still in the developing stages in his walk with Christ.

Now is particularly rocky for him b/c (for those of you what haven't read my introduction) I have been in Japan for 8 months, and I will be here for another four months. He's taking my absence very hard, particularly b/c of an "incident" which happened to me only because I followed the call of God to stay in Japan (it was going to be a three month deal). So now, whenever he has an honest heart to heart with God, he ends up yelling at Him and blaming Him for what happened (which it a bit too complicated to deal with right here and now).

In short, my boyfriend knows the error of his ways, does not want to do them (the whole yelling at God and looking at porn), but does them anyways. As Romans 7:15 says, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."

I try encouraging him, but he still calls himself a monster. I could tell him what he's doing is wrong, but he already knows. I can't yell at him, b/c he does enough yelling at himself. I try giving him examples of my own relationship with God, but comparing his to mine only feeds the fire to the "you're so much better than I am" rut he gets into.

I don't know what to do. I am hurt. I am fed up. I want to help. But I don't know how.

I need advice, but I also need good ol' fashioned encouragement. The man I love keeps looking at naked women; I feel like...a word I can't say in this forum.

Please help.

Dear sister,

Try to see him like how Jesus sees Him. All you have to do is to cast your burden upon the Lord. What is impossible with you, is possible with God.

May be this song could encourage you:

YouTube - Cast thy burdens - Don Moen (watch the video).

All of us have burdens, even I have burdens for many young people (both men as well as women) as much as you do for your boy friend.

His addiction will end, it can't continue forever, and even God won't allow it to continue. Its temporary.

All you have to do is to pray. Prayer is the only solution.

Pray and do not give up, until you see the victory. Victory is on the way, if you continue to pray for him.

God bless you.

 

[Brother Mike]

Boyfriend???

Are you having sex with this Boyfriend?????

If so, do you expect anything different??


Jesus Is Lord.