Did I cheat?

[messianicjew]

Hi,

I put this out yesterday in the "men" forum, but later realized that I could use a female input on this as well. Here goes.



I signed up for this forum in order to ask this. I've been married for over 10 years, I love my wife like crazy, we have 4 beautiful kids, and we recently took the decision to start to homeschool them. We rarely have any fights, and except for a few issues, our marriage has been almost perfect. We spend time together, we watch things together, we laugh and joke with one another. She is my best friend and my wife. I work in a Christian ministry and at church I teach Sunday School, lead worship, and preach once in a while.

My problem since I was 16 has been pornography. I have never tried to justify it and I've always tried to fight it, but somehow, no matter how many times I've tried, I've always fallen back. I've repented for real and sworn never ever to touch that stuff again so many times, and sometimes I am clean for months or even years, but somehow it always comes back. 2 years ago my Christian employer discovered that I had porn-surfed at work time. Needless to say I was strongly reprimanded and my possibilities of salary increase and advancements were frozen for a while. I swore again never to go near it again, as this time it really threatened my entire life and the life of my family.

Again, by using "chrome incognito" to ensure my boss wouldn't find out, I fell back. First just once. No big deal. Then again.. and again. Every time I made up an excuse for myself to justify it. I've also noticed how this behavior always stands in direct relation to my spiritual life. The more I pray, read the Bible and listen to sermons on the internet, the less I fall into these traps.

I told my wife about when my boss found out, and it hurt our marriage more than anything. Since then she thinks I've been totally clean, which I have almost been. There hasn't been any period of compulsory behavior as I had in the past, and I've always felt ashamed and decided "never again" after every single time.

All of this is not the worst part. One of the things I've done during my surfs is reading erotic stories. Some of them have been about "accidentally" pressing against a woman at a bus which eventually led to sex. This sometimes led me to somewhat "creepy" behavior at buses sometimes. Quite harmless, pretending I did things my accident, and when the woman moved away I would stop.

The horrible thing was what happened when one of those stories actually came true. I had been out of town through work and had a 2-hour bus ride in front of me. The woman next to me was... how shall I put this... very fat and ugly. Still I did my thing, and she only moved closer, and then one thing led to another. Once things had gone further than they ever had before, I couldn't control my lusts anymore.

I never told her my name and didn't want to know hers. I don't ever want to see her again. We never had any actual sex, just touching outside the clothes. I feel horrible and want to put everything behind me.

I don't want to tell my wife. I share everything with her but this is something she will never understand, and it will kill her. I love her so much and I can't bear the thought of what it will do to her. This is not about her, it's about me. I did something stupid for a silly thrill (at least I can know this for sure, since she was very unattractive).

I must get a daily routine for prayer and Bible Reading in order to keep away from the porn, and I must definitely clean up my bus behavior. I need to seek God and live with him and by him in everything I do. But I need a practical way to do this. To die for myself and live for him every single day.

I'd appreciate anything you have to say that can help me out. On the one hand I feel like I'm in a really bad place right now, on the other hand it can only be better from here, and I have strong motivations for it. I am going to make sure to be the perfect romantic devoted husband and father, and start to get serious about reading the Bible and pray.

On the one hand I feel "I can't live with myself". On the other hand I know that the "I" in that sentence is the new born-again me, and the "myself" is the flesh that I must put to death. I want that porn-surfing me to die. Because my wife wants to divorce him and my boss wants to fire him. I don't want him in my life anymore. I want Christ!

 

[startist]

seek more

I want that porn-surfing me to die. Because my wife wants to divorce him and my boss wants to fire him. I don't want him in my life anymore. I want Christ!

seems that you've figured out what you want. i accidentally came across your thread and thought of what to say!! i honestly don't know what to say here..but i know that you'll have to devote more and more time in prayer and God's word. he is the only way and through him you can do everything.. you just have to keep in mind when lust overcomes you to say NO and move away..i know it's so hard to do but you ought to try. and once you do it..you'll find it even harder the next time..that you'll want to treat yourself with "one-more"

all you need to do is to trust in the Lord. i'm not sure if this would help, but always keep your wife in mind..think of her everytime you feel the urge of porn-surfing..think of the good times you have and the kids you own..and remember that she'd be there when you get back home.

as to telling her..i know she'd be broken-hearted as i'd be if i were her. but still different people different thoughts and feelings..you need to commit to her and show her that you regret it through your actions not by just saying it. if you feel like telling her ,which i think is a must in relationships..(still is my opinion) you need to be honest, repentant and regretful. you owe her that. you are her husband, tell her your weakness "i think you should've confessed that long time ago " and ask her to pray and help you..but she would want commitment from you.

i am not sure if i helped,i'm still young, not married but if i were her, i would want my husband to tell me and be honest to the max. let her sense your regret if you'd to tell her.

still, i'd recommend you seek more advice


try also to keep in mind that God is there every moment with you since the day you accepted him to your life..and worshiping God doesn't only mean the time you spend at church singing hymns or praying or ministering...worship is in your daily life..everything you do reflects your adoration to your creator and how you would want to worship him.worship is shown in tiny details such as eating, doing your job, speaking love words to your kids & wife..everything you do, when done in love and happiness is worship. so how you would feel if you try porn-surfing once again and know that God is standing right there next to you?? irritating huh!!

be Blessed

 

[halva]

Hi,

I read your post and noticed that the title you wrote is 'Did I cheat'. I think its important to know without any doubt that in God's eyes looking at pornography is adultery - Matthew 5:28 - and to realise just how much sinning in this way jeopardises your relationship with your wife and family, as well as affecting your relationship with the Lord.

That said, it does seem to be a sin or stronghold that manyChristian men and women seem to find themselves caught up in and I'm just aware that some kind of accountability with someone of the same sex who you can pray with, be honest with, and seek the Lord together seems to be really needed in situations like this.

Although you mention that you do not want to speak to your wife about what's happened lately, I am concerned that in the long run this could undermine your relationship with her in an additional way because of the deception and although you may not want to protect the relationship you have with her, in effect you have already threatened it by betraying her trust. I'm not saying this to be judgmental - but this is a sin not only against the Lord, but against your wife.

It is really good that in this you realise you need to reach out to Christ - I do think though that you will need mature believers alongside you in future - Christians who could support and encourage both you and your wife.

Sending you a pm and praying for wisdom for your situation.

God bless,

Halva

 

[AbbysAunt]

Hello My Friend,

Your struggle is one many share. I myself went through a period of time where I struggled with this subject and yes there are times where temptation is stronger than others but through Jesus I am a conqueror and victorious...with Him leading and guiding me I press on and don't give up even though the enemy would love for me too..he is always out there lying in wait for the opportune time to strike and its usually when we are alone, feel tired, weak or vulnerable...this is when he will strike..I know because this is when he tries to strike on me...if he tempted our Lord Jesus then yep he is gonna tempt us as well and we being reborn sons and daughters of the King know how to fight back by using the very Word of God against our enemy satan. We also need to know and realize its not by our might or our power that we do anything...it is by God's the power of God's Spirit that resides inside of us...we can do nothing ourselves but with God we can do all things.

Zechariah4:6-7 So he answered and said to me: This is the word of the Lord to Zerubbabel; Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit, Says the Lord of hosts.

You are victorious in our Lord and its through Him you can for good beat this but you have to remember its not by your power or might..its by that of our Lord Jesus who will help you fight that you will be made free.

John8:31-32 Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, I you abide in My word you are my disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

the truth is something that can only be hid for awhile but will eventually come out no matter what you do..you say it has nothing to do with your wife, but in truth it has everything to do with her...she is your wife and its her marraige too so it effects her too. The longer you hide the truth or try to bury it the more you will suffer and the more you become a slave to that which you are trying to hide. The truth of this matter will come out I've learned that the secrets we keep are not hidden as we like to think but that we are naked and exposed to Him...our thoughts, actions, our very hearts, and our intentions are something that cannot be hidden from Him and they can't be hidden forever from those around us...we eventually become found out. Wouldn't it be better for you wife to find out from you instead of finding out some other way? You can't have a marriage built on lies and secrets that you are trying to keep from her out of shame and fear of hurting her. It will do more harm than good and the guilt you feel will only become
greater...I should know I lived with secrets that I thought noone knew and it nearly killed me in every way possible...turns out not only God knew but my own mother without me saying a word knew...so you see what we think are secrets are really not.

You asked if you had cheated on your wife...it tells us in the bible in the book of Matthew chapter 5 verses 27-30 about this.

Matt.5:27-30 You have heard that it was said to those of old, You shall not commit adultery. But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already commited adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for itis more profitable for you that one of your members perish then for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish than for your whole body to be cast into hell.

What Jesus is saying in these verses is this...whatever causes you to commit adultery or sin get rid of it...block it from yourself in anyway you can...there are things you can do to block this pornography from your life...get rid of the computer or if you need it for work get a filter on it that will block it from you so you can't go to the sites and they will not be a temptation to you. We can also block it from our thoughts by meditating on our Lord and His word.

The very best advice I can give you is this...you have what you are going through now or you have Jesus our Lord which will you choose?...I know you don't want to be a slave to this sin, guilt and shame you are dealing with, but only you can make that choice as to what you will do. Jesus can bring you freedom and break the chains that bind you and your heart...He is your freedom, He is the one who will fight for you if you let Him. It is by His power you will not only fight this but win...but you cannot do it alone because the more you try the deeper into the pit you will fall. So, give it all to our Lord Jesus and keep in His word, meditate on Him and Pray and block any devices or ways the enemy will try to use to get you to fall into tempation and when you do feel that temptation creeping in keep a bible close by and grab it and read.

Romans6:12-14 Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body, that you should obey it in its lusts. And do not present your members as instruments of unrighteousness to sin, but present yourselves to God as being alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. For sin shall not have dominion over you, for you are not under law but under grace.

You are alive in our Lord and because of the sacrifice He made in taking your place on the cross and shedding His precious blood for you and dieing then rising again you have eternal life in heaven...rejoice again I say rejoice for God is our TRUTH and SALVATION! Sin has no dominion over you..you have been set free! You are no longer a slave to sin, shame, guilt for He has taken it from you and set you FREE!

I write this to you not out of judgement because who am I to judge anyone? I cannot and will not do that by the Grace of our Lord because I too have fallen short and am imperfect but instead I write to you in the love of our Lord and want you to know that I will be praying for you and your wife as you both work this hard time in our lives and marraige.

God bless you my friend and if you want you can pm me anytime at all and i'll do my best through our Lord to answer any questions you may have.

 

[rizen1]

Grace and Peace

Being honest and seeking help is always the first step to recovery. Accountability is very important find a man of God you can trust and confide in. Pornography is very dangerous and have led men/women to jail for acting our what they saw.

I always recommend X3 Watch - Internet Accountability, Filtering and Porn Filtering Software | X3watch , very great tool. Once you realize nothing you do is a secret and someone is going to hold you accountable for your actions you will see a difference in your behavior. It's easy to sit in the dark or watch these videos when no one is looking.

I do not suggest using your wife as accountability in this program. It would not be healthy for your marriage and women are emotional beings and her reaction may be discouraging when she see's the stuff you're looking at. So find a brother in Christ someone you can trust.

There's freedom from this but you must do the work. Confession to God and renewal of the mind.
Find men to talk to and visit these sites.

http://www.x3pure.com/

http://www.porn-free.org

 

[Scarlett]

I hope I am not over-stepping my boundaries here. I am not Christian yet, but am actively seeking truth. The truths I am finding are leading me closer to accepting Jesus and God and Christianity (the whole package, really) everyday. But if you're interested in a non-full-fledged-Christian perspective I thought I would offer mine.

After reading the topic of the post, I pretty much knew what my answer would be already. "Did I cheat?" Yes. Most others can back up why biblically, and I don't discredit it at all. My view is that if you're asking the question to begin with, then there must be reason for it. If you feel guilty about it, then there must be a reason. Whatever that reason may be, be it biblical, moral or whatever - it's still there. You know you are not living the life you want to live, and that means it's wrong.

It would be easy (not to mention hypocritical) for me to say - if you don't want to do it then just stop. We all know things aren't that easy and very rarely work that way. But, I can tell you're on the right track. You want to change, and that is a great starting point. In fact, without the desire to change your chances would be greatly diminished.

As for telling your wife about it. No one can really make that decision but you. I would definitely advise against outright lying about it. It's in that gray-zone. A lie by omission is still a lie, but to deliberately hurt someone doesn't seem right either. I guess it all depends on where you go from here. I sincerely hope it doesn't become a pattern. If it does, I see no other option than to come clean to her about it. Again, just my opinion.

I think rizen1 hit it spot on. Very practical and applicable advise.

I wish you well.