Divorce? Please I need a wise advise

rickygtz · Apr 30, 2012

I have been married for 3 years, I am into a very though decision, about divorcing my wife or keep trying and waiting for my marriage to be restored.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

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I been living a very bad marriage since day one even before got married, but I still married her, we both go to church, I always thought this was a good thing because we would really live a Christian life together,
I have tried the most I can think to restore my marriage, I have spoke to my wife numerous times about her bad temper, trying to make her understand she is hurting me and making the marriage flunk, I have been constantly insulted, physically and mentally abused , I have prayed for her many many times. I have asked our pastors who married us to pray and help on our marriage.
We went to a psychology, and he diagnosed her with anger management. We went several times together, and she went other times alone until she quitted going,
She would lose control in seconds and physically and verbally attack me. Not to a point of going to hospital but wounds that leave scars. Like with nails. The main problem is that she would change to a very sweet, loving person, after some minutes of rage, extremely bad, abusive behavior.
She would get upset about things like, not picking immediately when she calls on phone, touching one of her belongings, hanging one of my clothes incorrectly, let the dirty come out when I was outside cleaning the patio ,small things like saying a different word that what she would have told, (for example not lying in something), she just find the smallest thing to let away the aggression, every error on my like passing a street that I should have turned , not calling a family member when I forgot a birthday, I know some people will get at some point mad, but here my wife is going from mad to extremely angry, and violent.
When I am studying the bible she says things like you think you are a saint, haha, I would rep0ly no I am not but I am trying here to be sanctified more every day, and you should do the same.
When we were married she also cheated me with other man, I never saw her but I was told she would go out and even someone saw her in a car kissing a guy.
She denied few times, than se kind of accepted it, this happened about 2 years ago,
I would love to me and my wife grow together in our Christian walk, and be waling on the same direction, I have humiliated myself, I have never loose my temper to physically hurt her at all, I usually just leave her for some hours , and pray .
I been trying to keep this marriage, but at this time I just want the best for us. I am a little afraid of a divorce, as I know is bad, and you can't get married again. I am 30 yd and this would be kind of hard to make my mind to be single ,this but I know that with the Lord I will never let me alone.

Yesterday I was talking on the phone and she was listening and trying to tell me what to say in my conversation, and since I couldn’t focus I was pausing on the phone, and she got absolutely mad, at the point that she threw the Bible towards me (she would have through anything that she had nearby). This really made me very sad, Honestly I don’t know what to do next, is very difficult, to face a situation, I have allow this events for almost 3 years, but I desperately need this to change, I have forgiven her, and still want to save the marriage, but if this would be a constant fight, and letting me being abused, I don’t want to go on.
This is something I haven’t shared with anyone on our church, other than my pastor, and my mother in law.
Please pray for this I have shared with all you. Pray for my wife, and for me to overcome and have the wiser decision.
Ps. Sorry my English is not very good , but I hope you can understand it.

God Bless you

AbbysAunt · Apr 30, 2012

Hi Rickygtz,

though I can never truely understand just what you are going through in this situation I want to say how sorry I am you are hurting. Noone has the right to hurt someone else or abuse them in any form. The decisions you face right now are big ones and I wanted to offer you some bible verses that may help you in this difficult time.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. No matter what happens Jesus will give you the strength to get through. He will not give you more than you can handle.

Philippians 4:19 and My God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. He will not leave you alone in this ricky He will supply your need and sustain you.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths.

I cannot tell you what decision to make for your marriage, however I do know that Jesus wants the best for each one of us and that does not include being abused verbally, physically or mentally. God can make miracles happen this I know to be true and do I believe He can change your wife's heart yes I do, but she has to want to change too. Keep on praying and seeking God and His will for you in this matter and He will direct your paths and let you know where He wants you. Remember You are loved by God and are precious to Him, He does not want you to live in fear or saddness. Know that I am lifting you up in prayer to our Lord Jesus and will be lifting your wife up in prayer also. May God bless you richly and supply you with the comfort, strength and peace that only He can give.

Your sister and friend in Jesus
AA

rickygtz · Apr 30, 2012

Thanks for this words, actually has said that if this is what I want that she would leave, and then turns to the good personality I liked about her, the only thing is that as soon anything triggers this bad temper, explosive violent behavior, she would be back and say completely different things, this makes thing harder for me, I am affriad sometimes, I don't like this other personality that she turns into,

rickygtz · Jun 9, 2012

Brothers in Christ help me pray for wisdom and for my wife so God transform her and change her heart, and she let God tranform her.

I want us to be on the same paths and to have a true marriage that pleases and honor God. I really need wisdom and strenght, I been waiting and trying for more than 3 years

Please pray for us her name Sylvia , and my name is Ricardo

God Bless you.

wilkette · Jun 9, 2012

Ricardo,

I am praying for you and Sylvia. I very much respect your perseverance in your marriage and your trust in God that He can do BIG things in the hearts of people. I am praying that you don't lose hope and that your wife is able to humble herself before God and ask for His help to overcome these struggles.

lawrenceb · Jun 15, 2012

I realize this thread was started six weeks ago. However, it is never too late to do the right thing.

I have been married for 3 years, I am into a very though decision, about divorcing my wife or keep trying and waiting for my marriage to be restored.
I been living a very bad marriage since day one even before got married, but I still married her, we both go to church, I always thought this was a good thing because we would really live a Christian life together,

Is that a denominational church? If so, which denomination?

We went to a psychology, and he diagnosed her with anger management. We went several times together, and she went other times alone until she quitted going,

Turning to the world for help can only worsen the situation.

She would lose control in seconds and physically and verbally attack me. Not to a point of going to hospital but wounds that leave scars. Like with nails. The main problem is that she would change to a very sweet, loving person, after some minutes of rage, extremely bad, abusive behavior.
She would get upset about things like, not picking immediately when she calls on phone, touching one of her belongings, hanging one of my clothes incorrectly, let the dirty come out when I was outside cleaning the patio ,small things like saying a different word that what she would have told, (for example not lying in something), she just find the smallest thing to let away the aggression, every error on my like passing a street that I should have turned , not calling a family member when I forgot a birthday, I know some people will get at some point mad, but here my wife is going from mad to extremely angry, and violent.

My wife and I have an addictions ministry. While we deal largely with the spirits of drunkenness (alcohol) and pharmakeia (drugs), your description of your wife's ongoing behavior nonetheless fits one of classic demonic oppression.

...I have spoke to my wife numerous times about her bad temper, trying to make her understand she is hurting me and making the marriage flunk, I have been constantly insulted, physically and mentally abused...

When I am studying the bible she says things like you think you are a saint, haha, I would rep0ly no I am not but I am trying here to be sanctified more every day, and you should do the same.

Expect your faith in Jesus Christ and his word to be mocked.

I would love to me and my wife grow together in our Christian walk, and be waling on the same direction, I have humiliated myself, I have never loose my temper to physically hurt her at all, I usually just leave her for some hours , and pray .
I been trying to keep this marriage, but at this time I just want the best for us. I am a little afraid of a divorce, as I know is bad, and you can't get married again. I am 30 yd and this would be kind of hard to make my mind to be single ,this but I know that with the Lord I will never let me alone.

...Honestly I don't know what to do next, is very difficult, to face a situation, I have allow this events for almost 3 years, but I desperately need this to change, I have forgiven her, and still want to save the marriage, but if this would be a constant fight, and letting me being abused, I don't want to go on.

The fact that you have posted in this forum indicates that you have not yet given up.

DON'T GIVE UP.

This is my advice: No matter what she does, LOVE YOUR WIFE UNCONDITIONALLY and pray for her healing. Jesus loves us in the same way, and you are the priestly head of your house.

You will heap burning coals upon the enemy when you do as the Lord has commanded you to do: LOVE YOUR WIFE UNCONDITIONALLY - no matter what! The enemy will not stand for your Godly responses forever. No doubt it will feel strange at first to return LOVE for her hate. Respond to, and follow-up, each and every one of her actions with UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and then pray for her deliverance.

This is something I haven't shared with anyone on our church, other than my pastor, and my mother in law.
Please pray for this I have shared with all you. Pray for my wife, and for me to overcome and have the wiser decision.

My entire family and I will be praying for you and her this evening.

stevenelijah · Jun 16, 2012

Ricardo- i believe (may be wrong) you guys are Catholics. If You are Catholics then I see what may be the problem. Many Catholics belong to the church. They are baptized as children. They even make catechism but there is one thing and that's the most important thing that is missing. It is good to know Jesus came from God died on the cross and rose again. I have met many Catholics who knew Jesus in their head but never invited him into their heart. I have helped lead many many Catholics to a personal relationship with God using only the information they already believed in their head. It's in the Catholic Bible as well but often in many individual churches if nobody teaches that you must be born again then you believe in God. You will swear by your church and by the Pope and be a good person even but you're still not saved. I am not attacking the Catholic Church. There are many many many Catholics who love God and are born again. Jesus said, " unless a man is born again he cannot even see the kingdom of God". how can you Ricardo know that you are saved. It is easy. This is a prayer you say one time and not over and over again. Say this prayer out loud and if you mean it in your heart you will know that you are born again and in right standing with God.
Dear Jesus, I come to you like a child..Jesus I repent of sin in my life. I believe you are the Son of God and you died for my sins and rose again to be seated with the Father in heaven. Wipe my slate clean and fill me with your HOLY SPIRIT to overflowing. Lead me, guide me in all I do. I put my marriage in your hands and as long as my wife is willing I will love,love,love her and pray for her to be born again. Thank you for saving me Jesus. Forever be my Lord and Saviour. I will praise you my God as long as I have breath

rickygtz · Jun 16, 2012

Hi brother stephenelijah, I was saved and born again on fall 2008, one year before I got married. I still remember when I surrender to Jesus and accepted His love and sacrifice and asked him to forgive me and enter in my heart. I was very new in the Lord when I got married. I agree with you , no religion saves men, is just by faith and grace in Jesus Christ. I have seen the mighty hand of God working on every aspect of my live. I have seen his love reflected in my life. I love God , I just really would like to grow along with my wife in a christian walk. But I cannot change my wife, just myself. I ask to pray for God to soften his heart and change her bad temper.
God bless you.

countrycajun · Jun 17, 2012

I am definately praying for you and Sylvia. Unfortunately, I can't give you much advice because I am the one in my relationship with the anger problem. I know from the other side of the situation, she really needs you to pray for her and be as patient as possible with her. No it is not right for her to treat you like this but God doesn't want marriages to end like this.

I wish I could help more but know you and Sylvia are in my prayers.

Be Blessed!!

Michelle71 · Jun 17, 2012

What you are dealing with is found in the bible under the Hebrew word chemah.

H2534
חמא חמה
chêmâh chêmâ'
khay-maw', khay-maw'
From H3179; heat; figuratively anger, poison (from its fever): - anger, bottles, hot displeasure, furious (-ly, -ry), heat, indignation, poison, rage, wrath (-ful). See H2529.

That is what you need to ask the Lord to take away from her. Because when one thing is taken away, something else has to fill it up, then we go to the scriptures to find the things to
ask the Lord to fill her with.

When looking up that word chemah, and the other words connected with it, here is what is found within the verses.

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Bush - ashamed
Tsaaq - Cry to Lord
Shama - Lord to hear
Yare - fear the Lord
Yeshua - salvation
Qum - Lord to arise
Riyb - plead
Gaal - remember the Lord
Tsedaqah - righteousness
Natsal - deliver
Panah - turn away from rage
Nus - flee from rage
Kasha - cover / hide
Nachal - inheritance of Lord
Musar - correction
Batach - refuge
Qarab - draw near to Lord
Chakah - wait upon the Lord
Barar - be pure
Abad - serve the Lord
Chasah - trust the Lord

Ask the Lord to bind the spirit of rage, and loose the things that are opposite of that. Look these words up in the bible and say those scritpures that pertain to your personal situation over yourself and your wife. Use the scritpures as
a heart felt prayer.

bgsda · Jun 17, 2012

Ricky my heart goes out to you hermano. I will keep you and your wife in my prayers. Ricky stay strong. I've been married to my wife for 6 yrs. We too got married early in our Christian walk. Actually about 5-6 months after accepting the Lord in our hearts. I tell you my brother it has not been an easy marriage at all. One thing I learned though is that marriage is one of two institutions first established in Eden. Before sin came into this world. That is how precious it is in His sight. God loves you and her. Please stay strong. God bless you.

rickygtz · Jun 17, 2012

Thank you Brother , God Bless you and your family, your prayers are very valuable and highly appreciated.

kcline1 · Jul 11, 2012

I would recommend that she get a neuropsychology evaluation to weed out any disability she may have. I can't make any diagnosis, but she almost sounds bi-polar to me, and if that is the case, she needs a lot of help. Exhaust all your options before considering the D word. Good luck, and I'm sorry for what you are going through. Do you guys have kids?

rickygtz · Jul 11, 2012

Hi kcline1 , thanks for you recommnedation, I never had thought about it, we did went with a physicology a few years ago to counceling for her, but she most of the time ended worst, the physiclogy did say she had anger management . and told her a few excerices to control herself. We dont have kids, thats a fear that I have too, that I am afraid that if we have kids they will have to see too much inestability , and conflict in our home, I can try my best to guide them and raise them with the help of God, and teaching them the Bible princiles, but defenetely will be a very though task, I was born on a violent home, my Dad was an alcoholic, and I really pray to this dont happen again in my house.

Blessings.

Michelle71 · Jul 11, 2012

The spirit of feminism is permeating the Christian community. It seems it is a curse from the original fall of Eve. More times than not, the woman takes control when there is no resistance from the man or a standing up by him. Men by and large enable this type of behavior when they give in to the woman just to keep peace.

Prayer goes along with action. She may not realize exactly what she is doing. An idea may be to put a tape recorder in your pocket or somewhere unseen for the purpose of showing her how she is behaving. Another idea may be to find someone who would allow you to treat them like she treats you for the purpose of example to her. Sometimes having our own behavior pointed out in a non confrontational way does more good than the direct "you are doing this or that".

There is a prayer out-line of feminism that may help you here as well. The point is to pray against what is seen going on through both husband and wife, and to ask the Lord to give the things that will align both according to His standard found within the Bible.

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Ratsone - self-will / own pleasure
Qasheh -obstinate
Shot - scourge
Quts - weary / loath / impatience
Mar - Bitter / discontented
Matsoq - distress

A person wrapped up in feminism has a victim mentality. They get distressed easily which leads to discontent. When that discontent is not satisfied quick enough for their own liking, then they get impatient and loath the person who they think is the cause for their discontent. Then they begin the railing and scourging becoming obstinate to get their own way. Which only satisfies them for a short while until the whole process is repeated.

These are the things to ask the Lord to give both your wife and yourself. Look up those scriptures and pray them over your family. Believe that the Lord is bigger than what is going on right now, and He will give you insight into how to deal with your wife in a practical manner not only through prayer in the spirit. It will be a battle if you do decide to take a stand against it.

Don't become a ogre though. Leave some decisions to her, and reward her for any humility that you see.

Tapinos (humble) Jas 4:6

Hupotasso (submit to God) Jas 4:7
Tsedaqah(righteousness) Psa 119:144
Emeth(truth) Psa 119:144
Biyn(understanding) Psa 119:144
Qara(cry to Lord) Psa 119:145
Anah (Lord to hear) Psa 119:145
Natsar(keep Lord’s statutes, testimonies) Psa 119:145
Yachel (be patient, hope) Psa 119:147
Chesed(lovingkindness) Psa110:149
Chayah (quicken, restore) Psa 119:149
Chalats (deliver) Psa 119:153
Riyb (Christ to plead cause) Psa 119:154
Racham (tender mercy) Psa 119:156
Pachad (stand in awe of God’s Word) Psa 119:161
Sus (rejoice) Psa 119: 162
Halal (praise Lord) Psa 119:164
Shalom(peace) Psa 119:165
Ayin Mikshol (nothing to offend) Psa 119:165
Lamad(teach) Psa 119:171

kcline1 · Jul 11, 2012

I think you are smart to be concerned about not having kids enter into a marriage that is unstable. It's a very wise and loving thing to do.

Here is a little info on what a neuropsychological evaluation is and entails. Just go to med.unc.edu/neurology/divisions/movement-disorders/npsycheval

Some people don't believe that getting testing or being diagnosed is of value...but I personally think it is extremely helpful. The more you understand about a person, the better you can provide help to them.

My daughter and husband are both on the autistic spectrum. Knowing this diagnosis has actually helped me make the decision to stay married as opposed to just walking away....but it is and has been a difficult decision to keep. My husband has an extremely quick temper. God has sustained me through the years. If I didn't have children, I'm not sure that I would stay.

Again, exhaust all your resources before making any decisions. One decision you should keep is to not bring kids into the marriage until your spouse gets the help she needs....and you get the help you need as well....I wish you well....and may God clearly lead your path.

kcline1 · Jul 11, 2012

I think you are smart to be concerned about not having kids enter into a marriage that is unstable. It's a very wise and loving thing to do.

Here is a little info on what a neuropsychological evaluation is and entails. Just go to med.unc.edu/neurology/divisions/movement-disorders/npsycheval

Some people don't believe that getting testing or being diagnosed is of value...but I personally think it is extremely helpful. The more you understand about a person, the better you can provide help to them.

My daughter and husband are both on the autistic spectrum. Knowing this diagnosis has actually helped me make the decision to stay married as opposed to just walking away....but it is and has been a difficult decision to keep. My husband has an extremely quick temper. God has sustained me through the years. If I didn't have children, I'm not sure that I would stay.

Again, exhaust all your resources before making any decisions. One decision you should keep is to not bring kids into the marriage until your spouse gets the help she needs....and you get the help you need as well....I wish you well....and may God clearly lead your path.

Brad Huber · Jul 11, 2012

If she wants a divorce, let her have it, and let her go, a complete split. But if she wants to stay together, protect yourself the best you can, stand up for yourself when she verbally assaults you (but without losing your temper if possilbe). Sometimes bullies only respect you if you stand up for yourself. If you show weakness in your replies when she is like that, it will only encourage to do it more and more.

Christ4Ever · Jul 11, 2012

My Heart goes out to you brother! I've prayed for both you and your wife. For healing not only of your marriage, but of your spirits that have been hurt by this ongoing conflict. There is so much in your posting that rends the heart of the reader. However, there are also questions.

You mentioned talking with the Pastors of what I assume is your church. Did she go with you? Regardless if she did or didn't, what did your Pastors say/suggest and what are they doing to assist you and your wife? Was the adultery also brought up to them as well in any of your discussions?

If you are Latin, and so is your wife, meaning that your church is also, your culture also adds to how all of you see things, and respond to them. I am of Hispanic Heritage 1st Generation American, so if you are, I can relate a little to some of the difficulties you are experiencing and facing. I'd continue on with this, but until I know of your cultural background, I could be way off and don't want to confuse you any in this time of need.

The first thing you must realize. You cannot change her. You can try to open doors that you believe might help her, but you can make her walk through them. When she ridicules you about reading the Bible, you can't react to this. This is your walk, not hers. I know you want her & you to be walking in Christ together, as husband and wife, but as of right now, it doesn't look like it's going to happen, without God's intervention. Which we and others here at TJ are praying for! However, until His will is done, I would suggest patience (Most difficult.)! Yet you have shown patience in the physical and emotional abuse so far which is to be praised. You have to continue to be that way, even when her attacks are to the one you call Lord, King, and Savior; Jesus! Make yourself like Him when he was harassed by the Sadducees. Stay quiet, and pray silently at these times for God to heal her and guide her. Try and let the love you have for her, go through your eyes to hers. Look at her not challenging, or pitiful, but loving. Willing to bear it all, as our Lord did. Read Matthew 27:11-14 You can be accused of many things, but how you respond to them, which so far has been admirable, is a reflection of how much you are growing in Christ Jesus! Please continue to be that way.

You have stated that you both go to church. But is she as you have posted, also born again, or do you just think she is, because that's what she says? I myself grew up going to church, and continued even after joining the military. Yet it wasn't until I was 27 on the 23rd of December 1979 that I could truly say in truth that Jesus Christ was, is, and will be, my Lord, King, and Savior forever more! Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia!

I mention this because if she is not saved, the fact is that you and she are almost guaranteed to be in conflict! There are only so many outcomes of a mismatch like this and I'm sure you've probably looked at them many times here lately. Especially as things seem to be getting worse between both of you.
As you have cried out to us, you need to cry out to God! He hears you and will respond to you. Yet always keep in mind, that it will be, His will that must be done, and it's His will that is perfect, so trust that whatever happens, it will be awesome at the end! Why? Because he Loves you brother, as He also loves your wife. Below are a few verses of Scripture that I pray and hope will help you in this time of need.

Ask Him and He will respond. Remember He picked you! John 15:16 Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and [that] your fruit should remain: that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you.

He hears you Ricardo! Micah 7:7 Therefore I will look unto the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation: my God will hear me.

No matter what, and this is hard, give thanks to God for all things! Colossians 3:17 And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, [do] all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him.

It's not just happening to you, but to Christ as well who is in you. Galatians 2:20 I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.

Hold on brother! James 1:12 Blessed [is] the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.

His Will Brother, His Will! Philippians 2:13 For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of [his] good pleasure.

So don't forget. Cry out to Him! Psalm 34:15 The eyes of the LORD [are] upon the righteous, and his ears [are open] unto their cry.

Lamentations 3:31-33 For the Lord will not cast off for ever: But though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies. For he doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men.

John 14:18 I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

Isaiah 41:10 Fear thou not; for I [am] with thee: be not dismayed; for I [am] thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.
Stay strong!
YBIC
C4E

Quasicentennium · Jul 13, 2012

Have been going to church each Sunday since I was 19, and now in my 40s, I have become wiser and healthier as I receive the hugeness of faith that comes from Jesus Christ. Like a home with a roof over your head, God's church is a roof over your mind and soul. Powerful supernatural healing can be experienced when all of us church members are together praying, together with the church prayer team placing their hands on the head or shoulders of those who hunger for Christ's healing of peace in the front stage of the church. I have experienced the tremendous peace of Christ that's beyond scientific and medical explanation. The giant peace of Christ is so powerful, it makes all evil human tragedies become a learned experience that God has already seen because God knows our future tragedies and allows Satan to awaken the supernatural faith in ourselves.:*:.

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Divorce? Please I need a wise advise

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