Do I have to forgive?

[sylant_rain]

Growing up I had the perfect family. I was a happy child, my parents were still married, we were involved in church, and we did everything together. Today, I am twenty years old and my world recently blew up. After 28 years of marriage, my parents seperated for reasons that I fear I will never be able to get over.

My father has decided that he is gay. Mind you, he has NEVER shown any signs of such behavior; he loves big trucks, drinks beer, and is overall what I would stereotype as a regular, straight man. But honestly, how I am suppose to take news like this? We were raised knowing that while it is not our place to judge the decisions of others, being homosexual is a sin!

But wait! That's not the worst. I could have dealt with the pain of having a gay dad as long as he understood that while I will continue to love him and accept him as my father, I will never be able to support his decision; it's against my morals and my faith. He took it one step too far. He brought another man into the house that my mom and him shared while my mom was out of town, slept another man in their bed which ultimately led to my younger sister walking in on him and that other man. This happened in April.

My father talked to my sister and somehow convinced her that if she kept this deadly secret him and my mom would stay together; what my sister calls: "staying a family". My mom has known he was gay for some time and yet she was still fighting to understand his new "lifestyle" and fix their marriage in the process; however, neither one of us knew about him letting another man into the home, and my sister holding that secret in, until earlier this month. Come to find out he was planning on keeping this new life choice a secret from my mother and doing what the gay community calls: "being on the down-low". Meaning that he would stay married, not tell my mom, continue to have sexual intercourse with other men, and ulimately risk exposing my mom to all of the diseases that that particular lifestyle harbors.

Who can love a dad like that! I'm fighting the very core of every belief that I was raised under. While I am mostly clear on my feelings towards him I am troubled with my ability to forgive. I know I should and I know that as long as I continue to harbor hatred for him Satan has a large hold over me, but HOW am I suppose to forgive him?!


I pray for my father daily; that he will find what he's searching for. But I also know that forgiveness it too far away. God has been every bit of strength I've needed over the past few weeks and I rejoice in the fact that I found him again about a month before all of this happened. I release everything I have to my heavenly father because I know that he'll always protect me from this world. He is the only man who will never hurt me or disappoint me.

What I need to know is does God approve of me being unable to forgive my dad? He provides us with a very clear request: to forgive as he forgave us, but HOW? Am I aloud a little time to recover or does the Lord truely expect me to wheel my broken heart over to my father and forgive him for all the hurt and unnecessary pain he has caused us? It's hard enough for me to watch my mother suffer from it all, but to forgive him means to release him from the guilt he feels and on a selfish level, I'm not ready to give it to him. I prayed and God led me to my friends, I prayed some more and God led me to this site, now I'm asking for help from you guys. What do I do?

 

[Br. Bear]

Greetings sylant_rain,

I understand this difficult time you are having.

No amount of concern about your father's ways will give you any peace. What I mean by this is that while we look at what others are doing, and seek peace in other peoples actions, whether they be good or bad, we look in the wrong place for peace.

Jesus is the Prince of Peace.

Isaiah 9:6 For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.

Reading your post, it is evident that you are in need of peace in your heart and mind. Again, under the circumstances, this is quite understandable for you. This is the place to start in order to achieve the forgiveness in your heart towards any person.

Look to Jesus....
Hebrews 12:1-4 Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,
Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.

For consider Him that endured such contradiction of sinners against himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds.
Ye have not yet resisted unto blood, striving against sin.

As you seek the Lord to find His peace, you will see more of Him, and less of the 'outside' influences on your life, and issues such as forgiveness will fall into place as you adore your Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.

Although we must forgive, the real issue you need to deal with is not what your father is doing, but if YOU are at peace with God. By focusing hard on whether you can forgive someone, you can end up in turmoil and heartache, and this is the destruction the enemy wishes to cause you. As you look unto Jesus, the forgiveness will flow.

Some might say that you MUST forgive to get God's peace. While this is true, we can not forgive in our own strength, and as you look unto Jesus, He will strengthen you ... for He wants for you to know His forgiveness, not only to you, but to all people.

Regarding your father's actions.... if he had stolen some money, or told a lie to get someone into trouble, would you forgive him?
With God, sin is sin, no matter how big or small... a blemish is still a blemish, a stain a stain.... and it is the shed blood of Jesus Christ that washes those stains away.... yours, mine AND your father's..... our part is to believe and repent... then go on our way rejoicing in all He has done for us.

There is one more thing you must do.... give thanks. Yes, praise the Lord for everything, even the situation with your family... in so doing, you are trusting the Lord that He is able to bring goodness out of this situation.

Thank you Lord, you say, thank you Lord for everything just as it is... I don't fully understand just how you can work this for good, but I do believe in you and I do believe you can, so I thank you Lord Jesus and praise you, for you are the Lord and worthy to be praised...amen.

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28

Bless you ....><>

Br. Bear

 

[Prayin2Him24_7]

What I have to say does not entirely answer your post... but it can give you a bit of insight into the mind of a homosexually-oriented person.

Homosexuality is something that causes me greatgreatgreat pain. I myself went through a period where I was bisexual, and after experiencing a confusing and shocking rape by my boyfriend I turned fullblown lesbian, back to bisexual, then a while (longer than I care to admit) after becoming a christian I finally accepted the fact that acting upon those emotions is sinful. The reason it causes me so much pain isnt because I'd like that freedom, no, I've burned that bridge long ago and it would kill me to betray God like that plus I've got a wonderful boyfriend who i hope to be engaged to soon and marry within 2009... (Hahaha not that I'm planning my own future or anything.... hahaha *cough*) the reason it hurts is because it's a sin that takes over your whole life. It's not as simple, not as cut and dry as simple adultery... someone who is gay feels like the way he or she feels is completely normal. Asking them to stop liking their own sex and change to the opposite is like asking a straight man to like another guy. Can you, just for a second, close your eyes and seriously imagine trying to do that? It feels wrong doesnt it? Thats the same way they feel about women (if they're male) or men (if they're female).

What's worse is that they are snubbed and mistreated so much by both nonchristians and christians alike that a lot of them have nothing but the vilest contempt for us, the people who tell them they are abominations, disgusting, the people who are supposed to love everyone but cannot for one second muster enough love for them to put down their "God hates ****" signs* or reach out as a friend...

Like I said before, I recognise homosexuality as a sin, but I also recognise the humungous effort it is not to fall into it, because of all the aforementioned reasons. (I havent even gotten into the fact that they fall in love! Thats too large for me to handle right now...) I myself have struggled long and hard to establish a view on it that is both tender and caring for the people, the children of God who deserve love and affection, but also ironbound in my belief that ultimately homosexuality is not the way to go. Besides, some God is better than no God, or WORSE a hatred of God! If there is at least SOME God in their lives, then God has the chance to work in them and direct them how he wants to, whether directing them out of homosexuality and into celibacy or heterosexuality (huge miracle, by the way) or staying with them through their life with their partner(s) making a ministry that reaches the very heart of the gay community the way no straight person could... or just staying with them comforting them through the hardships they will face (usually) everyday against us, His children =/ And yet still more, it would be better for the intensely AIDS/STD/HPV infected gay community to practice a little bit of christian wisdom by only allowing yourself to be with someone sexually when you're married or should I saw "civilly united" and then staying with that person until times up in life. (And their dead.) But then again, it would be good for us straight people do to that too, which is rare nowadays as well... =/

We have to remember that we are not the final judges... it's something I struggle with sometimes, and I know for a fact a lot of the christian community struggles with when they get comfortable in their faith... we have no clue what's going through that huge universe sized noggin of God's.


God bless
Kim

P.S. I know a lot of this looks like a huge support petition for gay rights but I will YET AGAIN put my disclaimer down that I believe homosexuality is INDEED A SIN AND WRONG. However real people with real feelings are to be considered here. They're not deviants, lots spend a lot of their time doing charity work and volunteering, teaching people with special needs, etc. They're PEOPLE; GOD'S CHILDREN.

*This is truth! there is a church that goes out and has signs that say "God hates ****" and "Burn in Hell" along with other grotesque butcherings of God's truth. I'd love to go out there and stand across from them with a sign that says "Yeah? Well God told me that He loves everyone and is eagerly waiting for the return of his prodigal children. Who's right?" But that would be a REALLY large sign to hold up for too long =)

 

[Br. Bear]

Thanks for your input Kim,

there are two 'types' of people. Christian and Non-Christian. Christians KNOW they themselves are totally under grace, God's grace in the Lord Jesus Christ.... and Non-Christians who refuse to accept all that Christ did for us and the salvation He offers all who believe.

There are many who have a likeness to Christianity, some professing to be Christian, some not... but we can only serve one master... we can serve Christ Jesus the Lord or, we can serve the devil. Those who are into hateful banners are already under condemnation, for with what measure they judge, they will be judged, and since they reject the grace and mercy of God in the Lord Jesus Christ and refuse to stay under His judgement of total mercy and grace, they will receive their reward.

You implied that so-called straight person could not reach the heart of the gay community.
making a ministry that reaches the very heart of the gay community the way no straight person could.

I must correct you on this, as others will need to see this too.

God does not use gays to preach His word. Simple. End of story.
God does not use straight people to preach His word , either!
He uses those who He chooses, and who can stand in their way? Is God limited to needing specialist preachers to reach specialist groups? NO!
The very King of Glory has no need of such limitations. And who wants to reach the heart of the gay community? God is not interested in the heart of any community... He is interested in every single heart in this world.. gay or not gay.. he is no respecter of people and it doesn't matter to Him who is gay and who is not... all have sinned... all have sinned..... all .... have...sinned.

For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;
Romans 3:23

All have sinned.

Again, I encourage sylant_rain to seek the Lord, to look to Jesus and let Him sort the gayness or straightness of others out.
sylant_rain is not struggling with being gay, but with getting slapped in the face by her own father... by getting betrayed and confronted with incredible expectations.

Bless you ....><>

Br. Bear

 

[Fragrant Grace]

Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain you. Psalm 55:22

Dear Sylant_Rain

I am so sorry that you are going through such a struggle at the moment. It is understandable...but it is also resolvable if you just lift your eyes to the Lord.

Take a moment to consider

The exceeding riches of His grace....... (Ephesians 2:7)

You too were once doomed to a lost eternity due to your sins, but the Lord graciously saved you.

As Christians we must endeavour to bestow the same love and grace upon those who hurt and anger us. In that way our lives will shine with the love of the dear Lord Jesus.

Everything in our lives depends upon our relationship being right with the Lord. If we harbour bitterness and hurt in our hearts then the Lord is not fully on the hearts throne and our lives will not glow with His love.

Dear sister take your hurt, pain and difficulty with forgiving to the Lord. Ask Him to deal with it. Ask Him to burden you with love for your father. The world is a dark place and your father is a lost struggling soul.... he needs the Lord.

Turn unto the Lord your God for He is gracious (Joel 2:13)

Just keep in your mind What would Jesus do? What did He do for you?

He was wounded for our transgressions Isaiah 53:5

God bless you and I will pray for you and your family

Julia

 

[sylant_rain]

I can't thank you guys enough for taking time out of your days to explain this to me. I pray for Christ to heal my mother and my sister and I pray that my father finds what he's searching for, but I never thought to ask God to help me forgive my father. Until now, I thought that I had given this entire problem to Him but now I see that I am still holding on to little bits and pieces of it; like the forgiveness part. Obviously I haven't completely let Christ do His work in me because I continue to want to hold onto that resentment for my father. It amazes me how tightly I can hold onto sinful things when all I want is to do is be closer to God; sometimes I don't even realize that I'm holding onto anything.

I prayed that the Lord show me the glories to come out of this situation and I can definitely say that I've been shown some. My mother is closer to God than she has been in years and so am I. When this all happened I kicked into survival mode and put every ounce of energy into witnessing to my mom. While she's always had a good history with Christ, she strayed over the years, so talking to her about God was easy. But now that she's doing better and can stand on her own, I'm starting over because I never got the chance to sort things out for myself.

I appreciate everything! And to be completely honest I was very fearful of openning up to a group of people I didn't know. When I first joined I just hung around for the first few weeks seeing if this place was "safe" with understanding people, rather than condeming. Needless to say, I'm glad I stepped out to ask you. May God bless every single one of you.

 

[ephesians4_23]

I am so sorry for the hurt and confusion you are feeling. It is a reminder to all of us that our sins hurt more than just us. It affects everyone around us.
It is very easy to see why you would be in such pain when someone you love and trust, your father, would make decisions that you see hurts your entire family.
On the other side of the spectrum, some sins I committed hurt my entire family. It had nothing to do with adultery, but my husband left me over my stupid choices, and now my children are growing up between my house and his. Your father probably doesn't see it as 'sin' right now, but the Holy Spirit is working here. Your father may see it as selfless- he waited until you were older, he tried not to hurt your mother, or who knows what he thought.
My suggestion to you, which I hope is practical-- definitely be clean before the Lord. Your father and his friends won't listen to a condemning attitude from you. But, as his daughter, you have a chance to show Christ's love. Yes, he betrayed you with his secrets. But Christ died for him too. Even now.
Make ground rules with your dad and family. Let him know that it's too soon (if it is) for you to be around his new friends. That means he doesn't bring them over, you don't go to meals together. Make sure he knows that you're not trying to get him out of your life, but you need time to adjust. He's had plenty of time to adjust- you and your family haven't. I don't know if you will ever be ready to meet his friends, and nobody is saying that you have to. But you also don't want your father springing them on you unannounced.
The next thing- remember that forgiveness is not trust. Just because you forgive your father, and that's a conscious choice you make before God, that doesn't mean that you trust your father the way you did before all of this happened. It doesn't mean that you're okay with his choices. By forgiving, you're just choosing to not let his choices hurt you- because it will hurt your relationship with God.
Praise God that the truth did come out-- for your mother's health, that you as a family can draw together with God. You said that it has already brought you closer because you're more dependent on God. This is not an easy road to travel, but you are not going alone.
Your father used to go to church, maybe still does? Has he been saved to your recollection? You have an opportunity to witness, to show Christ's love to your father. Just as Christ hates the sin but loves the sinner, you can too. God bless