Now for several days, almost 2 weeks, since I have given up the tablets, I have trouble sleeping. Even though I feel much better in certain aspects, it makes life much more difficult. I have to face my past, which is not easy. The psychological part of my past is more or less under control, yet I have to admit that my past has changed my view of life in many aspects. The constant pressures of my mother and sometimes my father have caused me to strive for perfection and continuously set my standards higher and higher. Sometimes my standards are unachievable, yet I rather feel fail than not try to achieve it. The irony of this is that I will then continuously reprimand myself for failing. If someone complains, I always take it as a complaint against my inability to do something, no matter if I am guilty or not. This striving for perfection and fear for punishment from my parents because I did not succeed caused me to strive for perfection not in ordinary day of life, but also in my spiritual life. All the things that happened to me in the past is still influencing my life today, not by fear of people but more the fear of failing people and God.
I feel guilt is keeping me from God. Yes, I do fear God, even though I know He is a forgiving and loving person. When I think of my parents and their punishments for the minor mistakes in life I made, then how much more will God not punish me, that is how I see Him, even though I know it is not true, I don’t trust very easily. Guilt, guilt is keeping me from God. I feel guilty about everything that I have done wrong in my life and what happened to me as well. I can’t help feeling guilty about it. I know that this wall must be broken down, but lack the courage to do it, yet I yearn to break down this wall of guilt, as I am tired of feeling spiritually empty.
Now since I have stopped taking the tablets, I have the most confusing dreams. For the first few days I have continuously dreamt very busy dreams of loads of people, yet I can’t remember the dreams, the only thing that I could remember was the Bible verse, John 3:16. This verse came in my dreams for about 3 or 4 nights. I never thought much of it the first neither the second night, yet the third and fourth night the repetition of this verse increased vastly. It was only when I took the Bible and read the verse, typed it out and stuck it to my desk, that that specific dream stopped and the verse was always the only thing that I could remember of all the dreams. After that for a few nights, I had more Bible verse dreams and scenes out of the Bible, yet failed to remember any of it. The only thing it caused is that I am too anxious to fall asleep at night, not knowing what is happening next, what will I dream about next. I am also not too sure whether the dreams are my sub-conscious mind playing trick on me or what it is all about. All I know that it is extremely tiring and continue to dream in the same way when I do fall asleep. At some stage I felt like giving in, just give in to the fact that I have stayed clean now for 2 weeks and just take a few tablets just to sleep, but I have not. I don’t know what to think of these dreams. I can’t really remember much of it nor really describe it, yet I feel somewhat drawn to these dreams to try and figure out what it is all about as this is the first time that I can remember that I have ever dreamt in this way.
I have tried the bible reading in conjunction with the little booklet “The upper room”. I am still trying the format as I was told, yet I find it to be very unsatisfying. I don’t feel drawn to that way of reading the Bible. It feels very superficial to me. Inside of me I have a yearning for a deeper understanding and a deeper relationship with God. It’s a feeling hard to explain or describe. It is a feeling that I once experienced about 12/13 years ago, yet ignored at that time as I felt that I was not ready for this feeling to take control of my life. If I really have to describe this feeling, well it is not the kind a chatting and trusting relationship I used to have with God, no it is just so much deeper than that. I know it sound stupid and I feel silly writing this especially when I have problems trusting myself in trusting in God and apply His unconditional love to myself. I don’t even have personal relationship with God and yet this feeling I just can’t ignore, it is quite overwhelming. I don’t even know what God’s plan is for me nor the special gifts He has given me to do His will.
So I don’t know what to think of this whole scenario. I don’t know if it is just plain mind tricks, yet it is a bit hard for me to believe that. The only thing I know is that I don’t know and that I have to make right with God, yet I lack the courage to do it. Lately I have been really trying to re-commit myself, just to be overpowered with a tremendous fear and then chicken out.
I feel guilt is keeping me from God. Yes, I do fear God, even though I know He is a forgiving and loving person. When I think of my parents and their punishments for the minor mistakes in life I made, then how much more will God not punish me, that is how I see Him, even though I know it is not true, I don’t trust very easily. Guilt, guilt is keeping me from God. I feel guilty about everything that I have done wrong in my life and what happened to me as well. I can’t help feeling guilty about it. I know that this wall must be broken down, but lack the courage to do it, yet I yearn to break down this wall of guilt, as I am tired of feeling spiritually empty.
Now since I have stopped taking the tablets, I have the most confusing dreams. For the first few days I have continuously dreamt very busy dreams of loads of people, yet I can’t remember the dreams, the only thing that I could remember was the Bible verse, John 3:16. This verse came in my dreams for about 3 or 4 nights. I never thought much of it the first neither the second night, yet the third and fourth night the repetition of this verse increased vastly. It was only when I took the Bible and read the verse, typed it out and stuck it to my desk, that that specific dream stopped and the verse was always the only thing that I could remember of all the dreams. After that for a few nights, I had more Bible verse dreams and scenes out of the Bible, yet failed to remember any of it. The only thing it caused is that I am too anxious to fall asleep at night, not knowing what is happening next, what will I dream about next. I am also not too sure whether the dreams are my sub-conscious mind playing trick on me or what it is all about. All I know that it is extremely tiring and continue to dream in the same way when I do fall asleep. At some stage I felt like giving in, just give in to the fact that I have stayed clean now for 2 weeks and just take a few tablets just to sleep, but I have not. I don’t know what to think of these dreams. I can’t really remember much of it nor really describe it, yet I feel somewhat drawn to these dreams to try and figure out what it is all about as this is the first time that I can remember that I have ever dreamt in this way.
I have tried the bible reading in conjunction with the little booklet “The upper room”. I am still trying the format as I was told, yet I find it to be very unsatisfying. I don’t feel drawn to that way of reading the Bible. It feels very superficial to me. Inside of me I have a yearning for a deeper understanding and a deeper relationship with God. It’s a feeling hard to explain or describe. It is a feeling that I once experienced about 12/13 years ago, yet ignored at that time as I felt that I was not ready for this feeling to take control of my life. If I really have to describe this feeling, well it is not the kind a chatting and trusting relationship I used to have with God, no it is just so much deeper than that. I know it sound stupid and I feel silly writing this especially when I have problems trusting myself in trusting in God and apply His unconditional love to myself. I don’t even have personal relationship with God and yet this feeling I just can’t ignore, it is quite overwhelming. I don’t even know what God’s plan is for me nor the special gifts He has given me to do His will.
So I don’t know what to think of this whole scenario. I don’t know if it is just plain mind tricks, yet it is a bit hard for me to believe that. The only thing I know is that I don’t know and that I have to make right with God, yet I lack the courage to do it. Lately I have been really trying to re-commit myself, just to be overpowered with a tremendous fear and then chicken out.
