Getting ready to divorce

[Rachel15]

I've been separated for around 11 years but haven't really separated properly because i've lately realised that i think its been a co-dependent relationship, so its been hard to set proper boundaries. This weekend i stayed at my husband's home to look after my son there, as i am in temporary accommodation and i just realised that i couldn't do it anymore. His home needs cleaning, tidying and decorating - all things i have wished we could have done together but each time i've suggested these things he's said no. I have done these things at times but it's mostly felt unappreciated.

I'm letting go - i'm finally ready to let go. I prayed some time ago about my lack of wifely feelings towards him and i believe that God said let him go, but i kept clinging on. But now i can't hang on anymore but its SO painful.

This relationship seems to have been so unhealthy i don't know why i've clung on so much, i guess i'm afraid of being alone.
The thing is that he won't divorce me although he is in a relationship with someone else - he says that i should do it. I don't know why but i find this painful to do and part of me is angry about having to be the one to do it. I don't know why.
I just need to share - its so painful. It's really hard to acknowledge that so many years - over twenty - have been spent on this relationship and it just seems to have caused so much hurt. The thing is i'm finding it really hard seeing and spending time with my son, because it means contact with his dad and also seeing how much my son has grown up to be like his dad. I'm also afraid that if i have contact with his dad i'll drift back to spending time with him again.

If it wasn't for my son, i'd move to another part of the country to go to this bible college i've seen that's really on my heart to go to.
I feel that I can't bear to have to have this relationship around with his dad for the next five years or so because we have our son to look after. His dad always appears to listen to me but doesn't change and lets our son do pretty much what he wants to do. Consequently our son doesn't want to spend time with me very often, unless i'm spending lots of money on treats which i can't afford or letting him spend hours on internet games.

I know it sounds hard but, to avoid further pain and conflict (which our son is aware of), and to try and set a boundary i just want to say to my son that its up to him to contact me now when he wants to see me and to withdraw from any formal childcare arrangements with his dad. My son is fourteen - is he too young to deal with this?

 

[Word of Life]

I know how you feel Rachel15 and I know the pain you are going through. As I am going through that similar pain and circumstances as you are. Not for as many years as you have though.

I have spent endless hours thinking, to why I feel I should walk away from my own marriage and everything I haved worked for. I have also gone over many biblical sites for guidance on "How God see's Divorce"

My first emotional pain happened on the day I got married. And I hid myself behind a computer game, to take that pain away, but the root of that problem is still there, it has not been solved.

I will come back and reply more to this thread later, as I am at work at the moment, and I also need time to speak to God, re-read your post to give you more guidance and support in whatever you decide to do.

Take care and God bless

 

[Faithful Son]

Hi sister. I was 21 years old when my parents divorced, I took it with a blow.

Saying that, I want you to be able to comfort your son and let him know you are with him. My advice would be to divorce your husband since he is involved in another relationship, that makes it adultery.

Plan ahead with Jesus, take it step by step and continue with your life. Make Jesus the husband in your life and you will be ok.

God bless
Faithful Son

 

[Br. Bear]

Greetings Rachel15,

Oh that such pain could be seen and touched, held and felt....surely we would then see the Master's heart.

Sister, you asked a question...

...."My son is fourteen - is he too young to deal with this?"....

My humble advice is stop. If you think it's tough now, this age is breaking point for most young lads.

Please look to the Lord for His longsuffering fruit....please.

Never is a time good for divorce, except from false gods and evil. You have none of this in your letter. Yes, you do have fallen and broken flesh working overtime to destroy all hope in you and your son, maybe also in your husband too. (I do not mean you, Rachel15, but the flesh that wars and strives against the Spirit, common to us all)
BUT, this time for your son is crucial for stability. The only change suitable would be your developing a friendship with the young man, unbiased and pure from your heart, beyond your mother/son relationship. Friendship is so important for you both. In a couple of years or so, you will see just how precious it is, and if you don't have it, it could be years, if at all, before you will have a close connection with each other. He will be a man in his own right soon enough and will certainly be more able to cope with change when he is, especially if you both share each other's friendship and understand each other.

While I have life in me I would be, and am, happy and willing to help you through this period.

I think you know by now that 2 or three years will pass quickly, but you will never get a second of it back, to try again. I say this, because this next few years are very important to the growth and change in your beloved son. Once it has past, then...and I say this with the greatest reservation, then you might consider pursuing the idea of .... I can not even bring myself to say it!
You are a Christian? I don't know. Maybe I should have checked first, but, I think it safe to say this regardless...
What and who is more/most important to you?
Be honest. It may be you. Or your son? Perhaps the Lord Jesus Christ who gave His all that we might have our hope and life in Him.
Sister, our life is hid in Him. Is your son's? Your husband's?
Our sojourning is for a season, like the grass. Yet we have an eternal rest from pain and torment, no more tears or hurts.

Being a friend means just that. Someone to talk to and laugh with, and at that age a few wise words scattered in amongst the topsy-turvy of life's change are the treasure he will take with him as a man. His friends accept him as he is, no pressure to change (except unfortunately, usually for the worse) but because they are not on his case, he likes them.
You must culture that friendship. I say this also because you are seperate from each other in regards to living in different places. He needs to be happy to see you again. If you're a buddy to him, he won't squeeze you for money and goods, just as he wouldn't hassle his friends for it.

Having said all that, can I please ask you to look at the scenario of total healing in your relationship, way over and beyond all you can imagine.
It is possible. With God, all things are possible, and the best miracles are the seemingly impossible ones...aren't they. But remember that what we fleshy folk tend to think as great in regards to miracles, are really average, nothing special, everyday way things are with God..in other words, for the Lord, a miracle is just an expression of, a reflection of, His nature.
So, can you turn your heart to Him and expect nothing less from the Almighty God who created heaven and earth and all therein, AND holds it all together in perfection. I think you can.
The same can be said for your son. He could at any time be filled with the power from on High and go on to be an instrument in the Master's hand.

Let us believe for the better, sister.

I have also spent years looking at things from the wrong angle, until the Lord in His great patience has been able to get me to see it His way....then, His will is done.

May you find great stirring towards great peace in these words and go rejoicing with the joy of the Lord as your strength.

Bless you,

Br. Bear.

 

[Rachel15]

Thanks for your replies. Br. Bear you asked me who is the most important person in my life, but i'm not sure that the answer is that easy to give or that simple. I would have said my son up until recently, but i see that i haven't necessarily 'loved' him with God's love (I have been a Christian for a few years now), but rather i've indulged him and then also burdened him with my own thoughts or feelings. Because his dad has been such an influence pretty much everything i've tried to do with my son has been filtered through his dad, who is not a Christian.
Because i've tried to respect his dad's authority my son doesn't seem to respect me or my authority anymore - he just says well his dad will let him do things.
This situation has dragged on for so long and i hear what you are saying about my son, but i feel that i can't compromise anymore and need to clarify the relationship with his dad.
We are commanded to first love God with all our heart, mind and soul and Dear Father, i ask you to please forgive me for where i've failed to obey this commandment.

To be honest i feel its affecting me deeply to be legally married to someone because i do not feel i can move on with my life. I hear what you are saying about my son Br.Bear, but i've waited and waited and tried to provide our son with a 'family' but all that's happened is that i've totally compromised on my beliefs and what i would like a family to be like, because it causes conflict with his dad. I'm scared that if i don't divorce soon, i'll never break free from this relationship which has made me lose so much confidence.

I don't want to 'demonise' his dad - he's a 'nice' guy but we are unsuited and we both have had issues and he sees someone else. The trouble is the longer i am around in this situation the more angry and resentful i find myself getting and its' difficult to bite my tongue with my son around.

I think what you said Br.Bear about having a friendship with my son is very important. I'm realising that in the past i've always shared everything my son and i have talked about with his dad, but that doesn't seem appropriate anymore.

I also feel that in a way i've always put my son's relationship with his dad first, over mine with my son - i suppose i felt i had to be loyal to his dad first and didn't think i had much to offer, but now i want this pattern to end.

Thanks for posting. I don't want to hurt my son but i think he may be already hurting in a dysfunctional family. How can i show him what a Christian family is like if i keep compromising and submitting to his dad?

 

[Br. Bear]

Dear Sister,

You have done well. Don't let anyone tell you differently.
May the peace of God that passes all understanding rule your heart and mind on this whole issue. And, indeed in all things.

Sister, what I wrote before I stand by, but please understand that there is no condemnation from me. I said I will stand by you, And assist you through this time, and that means that I will, and if I offer advice and you choose to do otherwise, that makes you no less a sister to me.

We don't know the outcome of what we do, but we do know this...
we are very much loved by the Lord. Yes, He loves you and will always love you, sister. With His love is understanding.
As with our human level of love, the Lord desires us to trust Him and lean on Him at all times. Sister, it is when we feel weak that we must remember this love of the Lord the most, His faithfulness and strength.

In answer to your question...

... How can i show him what a Christian family is like if i keep compromising and submitting to his dad? ....

Can I encourage you to follow what the Scriptures tell us... the answer is in love. From what you have said, you have done your best in love, and no-one can do better than that!
I for one have messed up more often than I care to remember or bore you with. I probably will do more of the same things which in hindsight I will ask forgiveness for. But, like you, I have a wonderful Lord in Jesus, who doesn't ask us to do things in our own wisdom and strength, and He assures us that love covers a multitude of sin. So, sister, no matter how you may feel about what you have or haven't done, by walking on now in love, doing all things as if to the Lord, remember that He cares for you and your son and desires your thanks and praise and will make a way for you.
Commit your ways to the Lord, sister, one day at a time.

May you have His joy and know it. In it you will be strengthened.

Bless you,

Br. Bear

 

[Rachel15]

Thank you for your offer of support Br.Bear - i really appreciate your love. I think i will step by step get the forms for divorce and fill them in, but i realise now that i need to make my relationship with my son my priority.

Thanks again,

God bless,

Rachel