There have been times in my life when I felt that God was leading me on a path to do his work. To be a shepherd to his flock, a teacher, to bring an understanding of the great gift He has for us. Being young and spiritually immature however I often found myself wondering if that's really what I was supposed to do, I would explore various aspects of the ministry for a short time and then pull away, not really being sure what I was meant to do.
Having pulled away one to many times God left me to my own devices, He didn't abandon me, I abandoned Him. To say my life was filled with sin would be an understatement. Then 27 years ago, in a pit of darkness and despair I found God again and made a serious vow to surrender to Him once and for all. I could no longer manage my life, it was His to do with as He saw fit. A few weeks went by, life improved and I said "ok God, I got this" and started to take control back of my life, Well, they didn’t go so well. Soon I was right back to where I was just a few short weeks ago. God hadn't turned his back on me though, he gave me a gift, and he let me see where the path I was on led to. That vision still terrifies me and haunts me to this day, the despair, fear and pain felt in that vision changed my life.
I learned my lesson and followed Gods path for me. Words cannot even express the feelings of peace I would feel when I actively searched out God and made him first and foremost in my life, nor can they express the desire I had to give others the same gifts that had so freely given to me. I actively searched out those who were trapped as I was letting them know they could have the same peace and serenity they saw in me by turning their lives over to God. And God blessed me, He gave me a family, He gave me a career, He gave me a life.
I focused all my energy on being a good husband, a good father, a good provider and a good worker. I would be praised by people who said look at the man he is, working all the time, putting his family before himself to which I would reply "that’s what a man is supposed to do". But I was wrong; I should have kept God first. Don't get me wrong, God was always talked about in my house, my wife and children learned about him, but they never learned to seek Him because I had become too busy to seek Him while I was being the best husband and father I could be. Again I failed God....
Six years ago God decided to remind me that He was to be first in my life, since I was always too busy He slowed me down and freed up my time. I became disabled, unable to work, my job, my identity were taken away. It made me question my ability to continue being a husband and a father, I saw myself a less than a man. That's when God began working on me yet again. He reminded me He was always there waiting for me, to comfort and lead me, to provide for me if I would just let him.
And he has done just that, my disability became a blessing. It allowed me to see how although I thought I was being a good husband, father and provider I failed my family because they had drifted from God and I had not noticed. Their lives were mirrors of my past, and if they didn't change they would be lost to suffer as I had many years ago. So I became an example to them, putting God first, seeking Him out, living life that would honor him and trying to get them to do the same.
Have our lives changed, you bet they have. God being true to his word continues to provide for my wife and I as well as my adult children and their families that have turned to God thru Jesus Christ. I am active in a church and have been for a while, has have my wife and children been although they still struggle with their past. This sometimes causes them to slip backwards in their behavior, but they are still trying to actively stay on the right path.
As for myself, I relish the role I now have to help them grow in their faith and guide them to that connection they can get with God thru His word and in fellowship with other believers in the salvation gained thru Christ our Lord. It hasn't been easy, even though my actions back up my walk in my faith, the words are sometime accepted when expressed by others, and after all I am still dad first to them.
And herein lies my dilemma, I am active in church. For several years now I have assisted with Sunday School lessons, I have been led by God to establish outreach programs for the church to help spread Gods word. God is first and foremost in my life above all else and it shows. Others come to me with questions of faith, to speak to me in confidence of their problems and seeking advice. The peace and serenity I had so many years ago is back again because God is in control. Even though many people tell me what wonderful things I have done for the church, I know and I tell them I haven't done a thing, it is God who has done it all; He just uses me to do it.
And again I find myself wondering, feeling that I should be doing more. I feel that God is calling me again to be a shepherd, a pastor, to care for his flock. Not how an evangelistic pastor would, not that there is anything wrong with that method, but as someone who guides them to find and establish their own relationship thru His Son Jesus Christ. I have been asked by people in the church "have you ever thought of being a pastor" and my own children have said the same.
There have even been two occasions where it was said in front of me "Wayne can preach a sermon" as our church currently has an interim pastor and people have wondered what we are going to do when he leaves if we haven't found a full time pastor by then. And on a recent trip with the pastor of our church we were picking up supplies. While picking up Baptismal Certificates he held up an Ordination Certificate looking at it for a few moments, then showed it to me and put it back on the shelf without a word. If these are not a signs of what God wants me to do, than what is it I am to do.
I pray daily for guidance as well as search for answers in His word. I really feel that God wants me preach, to lead, to nurture and help others grow in spiritual maturity. The problem is 1 Timothy 3 and the qualifications listed there. I am not above reproach; my past behavior would make many in my church cringe. I have not managed my family well as is evident in the lives they have lived. I am trying to lead them now, by example and through Gods word, but it is a struggle,
Even my relationship with my wife has been strained at time because of my efforts for the church. She knows how and why my relationship with God is so important to me, but I am not sure she fully supports the idea of my becoming a pastor because of issues she has had with other church members. Even though she has recently come back to God, she still struggles with demons from her past which is keeping her from fully turning all aspects of her life over to God.
I feel that to some this may disqualify me from following the path I fell God wants me to follow, And to others, I feel they may see my past as a positive thing, that the life I have lived would be an example of the gift of salvation and show how God can change any life, bestowing blessing after blessing if a person would just be willing to accept God’s gift. Then there is the question of academic training, at 51 years old I have followed God down many paths. I have been associated with many of the different denominations over the years and gained quite a bit of knowledge on my own when lead by the Holy Spirit.
So do I pursue an academic path to become a pastor, do I let life’s lessons be my degree? Am I wrong to believe that I can effectively spread Gods word and be a good shepherd even if my past and current situation doesn't fit the mold given in 1 Timothy 3. I realize no one out there can really answer this; the answer must come thru prayer and meditation of God’s word. Your insights however may help however as sometimes God uses other to convey a message to those who need to hear one.
Having pulled away one to many times God left me to my own devices, He didn't abandon me, I abandoned Him. To say my life was filled with sin would be an understatement. Then 27 years ago, in a pit of darkness and despair I found God again and made a serious vow to surrender to Him once and for all. I could no longer manage my life, it was His to do with as He saw fit. A few weeks went by, life improved and I said "ok God, I got this" and started to take control back of my life, Well, they didn’t go so well. Soon I was right back to where I was just a few short weeks ago. God hadn't turned his back on me though, he gave me a gift, and he let me see where the path I was on led to. That vision still terrifies me and haunts me to this day, the despair, fear and pain felt in that vision changed my life.
I learned my lesson and followed Gods path for me. Words cannot even express the feelings of peace I would feel when I actively searched out God and made him first and foremost in my life, nor can they express the desire I had to give others the same gifts that had so freely given to me. I actively searched out those who were trapped as I was letting them know they could have the same peace and serenity they saw in me by turning their lives over to God. And God blessed me, He gave me a family, He gave me a career, He gave me a life.
I focused all my energy on being a good husband, a good father, a good provider and a good worker. I would be praised by people who said look at the man he is, working all the time, putting his family before himself to which I would reply "that’s what a man is supposed to do". But I was wrong; I should have kept God first. Don't get me wrong, God was always talked about in my house, my wife and children learned about him, but they never learned to seek Him because I had become too busy to seek Him while I was being the best husband and father I could be. Again I failed God....
Six years ago God decided to remind me that He was to be first in my life, since I was always too busy He slowed me down and freed up my time. I became disabled, unable to work, my job, my identity were taken away. It made me question my ability to continue being a husband and a father, I saw myself a less than a man. That's when God began working on me yet again. He reminded me He was always there waiting for me, to comfort and lead me, to provide for me if I would just let him.
And he has done just that, my disability became a blessing. It allowed me to see how although I thought I was being a good husband, father and provider I failed my family because they had drifted from God and I had not noticed. Their lives were mirrors of my past, and if they didn't change they would be lost to suffer as I had many years ago. So I became an example to them, putting God first, seeking Him out, living life that would honor him and trying to get them to do the same.
Have our lives changed, you bet they have. God being true to his word continues to provide for my wife and I as well as my adult children and their families that have turned to God thru Jesus Christ. I am active in a church and have been for a while, has have my wife and children been although they still struggle with their past. This sometimes causes them to slip backwards in their behavior, but they are still trying to actively stay on the right path.
As for myself, I relish the role I now have to help them grow in their faith and guide them to that connection they can get with God thru His word and in fellowship with other believers in the salvation gained thru Christ our Lord. It hasn't been easy, even though my actions back up my walk in my faith, the words are sometime accepted when expressed by others, and after all I am still dad first to them.
And herein lies my dilemma, I am active in church. For several years now I have assisted with Sunday School lessons, I have been led by God to establish outreach programs for the church to help spread Gods word. God is first and foremost in my life above all else and it shows. Others come to me with questions of faith, to speak to me in confidence of their problems and seeking advice. The peace and serenity I had so many years ago is back again because God is in control. Even though many people tell me what wonderful things I have done for the church, I know and I tell them I haven't done a thing, it is God who has done it all; He just uses me to do it.
And again I find myself wondering, feeling that I should be doing more. I feel that God is calling me again to be a shepherd, a pastor, to care for his flock. Not how an evangelistic pastor would, not that there is anything wrong with that method, but as someone who guides them to find and establish their own relationship thru His Son Jesus Christ. I have been asked by people in the church "have you ever thought of being a pastor" and my own children have said the same.
There have even been two occasions where it was said in front of me "Wayne can preach a sermon" as our church currently has an interim pastor and people have wondered what we are going to do when he leaves if we haven't found a full time pastor by then. And on a recent trip with the pastor of our church we were picking up supplies. While picking up Baptismal Certificates he held up an Ordination Certificate looking at it for a few moments, then showed it to me and put it back on the shelf without a word. If these are not a signs of what God wants me to do, than what is it I am to do.
I pray daily for guidance as well as search for answers in His word. I really feel that God wants me preach, to lead, to nurture and help others grow in spiritual maturity. The problem is 1 Timothy 3 and the qualifications listed there. I am not above reproach; my past behavior would make many in my church cringe. I have not managed my family well as is evident in the lives they have lived. I am trying to lead them now, by example and through Gods word, but it is a struggle,
Even my relationship with my wife has been strained at time because of my efforts for the church. She knows how and why my relationship with God is so important to me, but I am not sure she fully supports the idea of my becoming a pastor because of issues she has had with other church members. Even though she has recently come back to God, she still struggles with demons from her past which is keeping her from fully turning all aspects of her life over to God.
I feel that to some this may disqualify me from following the path I fell God wants me to follow, And to others, I feel they may see my past as a positive thing, that the life I have lived would be an example of the gift of salvation and show how God can change any life, bestowing blessing after blessing if a person would just be willing to accept God’s gift. Then there is the question of academic training, at 51 years old I have followed God down many paths. I have been associated with many of the different denominations over the years and gained quite a bit of knowledge on my own when lead by the Holy Spirit.
So do I pursue an academic path to become a pastor, do I let life’s lessons be my degree? Am I wrong to believe that I can effectively spread Gods word and be a good shepherd even if my past and current situation doesn't fit the mold given in 1 Timothy 3. I realize no one out there can really answer this; the answer must come thru prayer and meditation of God’s word. Your insights however may help however as sometimes God uses other to convey a message to those who need to hear one.
