Hi Mal, you are in good company here. You have crossed a threshold where Jesus is knocking at your door. Open it, open your heart and talk to him like a friend and he will hear you. Watch how he puts the desires in your heart to be that better person. We fall, he lifts us up, we may fall again but he always lifts us up again because he knows you want to be a better person and He is the essence of Love itself. You want to love and trust in Jesus, he knows that and in HIS time, sometimes speedily and sometimes later than we expect, he will make everything towards a better life for you. All you need do is love,trust and listen in your deepest part of your heart to what he is saying. My prayer is -
I love you Jesus, i want to trust you and know that you are changing my heart. You will know in your knower when he is prompting you towards loving choices. This is my prayer for us all.
God bless you, Gabriel.