Help analyzing relationship!

[Checkered24]

I would love to have some help in analyzing my current relationship. I have a lot of questions as to whether we have God's blessing, and we have certainly made misteps which God would be displeased with. I am very unsure.

We have known each other a year and a half. Dated seriously two months. We get along amazingly well, seem to be extremely good compliments to each other. We find each other spiritually and emotionally fulfilling, helpful towards each other, patient and understanding. Our love transcends the flesh and is deeply rooted in our character and personality. We have had many good things happen to us too! We do feel we have been blessed.

However, there are a couple underlying currents of negativity.

First, she has been married and divorced. I struggle with this because of what Jesus says in Matthew 19:9. "And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except [it be] for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery."

It makes me wonder if marrying her is adultery on my part. She divorced her husband because he was unfaithful, cheating on her, and had a child with another woman. Understandable, and I would suspect understandable under God. However, he was reluctant to divorce too, so she initiated it and in essence, put him away. Can I be certain God would be pleased with marrying her?

Second, I am a much newer Christian than her. We have really enjoyed spending time reading and studying the bible, and I have learned so much. Still, I wonder if God would be pleased that I have been relient on her for some teaching. She believes a man cannot be passive, and I find I have to be passive in terms of Christian teachings generally because her knowledge is deeper than my own. It reminds me of Adam and Eve, where God's displeasure with Adam is that he did not protect Eve from the serpent, and allowed her to bite the fruit and then did so himself. I find I am being relient on her without being able to fully give input to Christian decisions, which I am not sure is pleasing to God.

My pastor does not think this is a huge deal, but it seems to come up a lot and is a challenge.

We did sin (fornication), and have been very regretful of it. We put our desires ahead of God. He has rebuked us in scripture (I in Proverbs, I think she got a lot of it in Deuteronomy). We have also suddenly found some resistence among the authority figures in our lives. We are repentent and committed to avoiding that again until we are married, but of course the damage is done and we are going to face some kind of continual consequences.

So I have been really uncertain. I have a very strong desire to work through any issues, as does she. I am just having trouble determining whether God is really pleased, or whether emotionally I want him to be pleased.

The best place I have been lead to by God is reading 1 Corinthians 13 (particularly 4 thru 8) about his Love for us, and I can compare it very favorable for my Love for her. So I do believe our love is true and not lust. I also have come across passages encouraging me to love and care for widows and children who are missing a parent (I cannot remember the book off hand, but she has a daughter too). It seemed to be confirmation of our relationship.

Anyone have any other advice, what to read or where to look? We communicate great and if there is more for us to look into, I am sure we will sit down and do it together!

Thanks!

 

[sharen]

If you read that verse again in Matthew, you'll see that the only reason God gives for divorce and remarriage is sexual sin ('porniea' in the greek). Some bibles translate it as 'fornication', others 'adultery'. But porniea is a broad term that covers most serious sexual sin. You'll find other examples of it in the bible translated as homosexuality or beastiality (from memory.) Look it up if you think it will help.

Now in christs time women didn't have the same rights as they do today. I'm not even sure that they could legally divorce their husbands at all. Thus the passage referring to a 'man' divorcing his wife and 'causing' her to commit adultery. If a woman was divorced, there was no walmart down the corner for her to get a job at. How then could she support herself? If her family would take her back, well and good, but being married could potentially be her only way of not starving.

Put yourself in Gods position. Would you justify a man commiting adultery in a marriage and expect the woman to put up with it, but not the other way around? If so (you've missed the point of the bible in the first place) and yet potentially, that is an idea you can get if you don't take the cultural circumstances of the time into account.

See the big picture. Men and women both commit adultery and every other kind of sexual sin. The bible makes that clear in other passages. And both will be held equally accountable. Look up the punishments. That means God does not hold unequal standards for both men and women in terms of sexual faithfulness, and your girlfriend is free to go because of her husbands promiscuity. 'Fornication' or porniea means sexual sin. Her husband commited that sin. Anything else would be saying that God is a chauvinistic misogynist. Look up ALL the scriptures on sexual sin. God does not hold one accountable and not the other.

Why would God allow a man to remarry if his wife cheated, but not a woman?


PS. God is a God of love. If you've missed that point, then you really need to go back to square one in your faith.

 

[sharen]

PPS. Some churchs teach that the man should lead spiritually, but that mean that he was always more spiritually mature then the woman. Once again which would imply that God was sexist.

Men automatically more spirituall mature then women and always expected to be......

That isn't realistic or true.

If you look up Rom 16:7 you'll see that Paul sends his greetings to Andronicus and Junia (a womans name) as fellow apostles. Some translations have deliberatly changed it to 'Junias' a mans name. Deliberatly.
In the same chapter he also sends greetings to 'Pricilla' and 'Aquila' a mans name. It has been pointed out that it is unusual to place a womans before a mans name in terms of greetings to a couple. Particularly formally in a letter and in such times. For Paul to address Pricella first, is probably an indication of her spiritual status. Both were greeted as 'fellow workers' but the womans name was deliberatly mentioned before the mans.

Do you see Adam and Eve ever referred to as 'Eve and Adam'. Why? I think then that the phrasing in this instance is important.


To say that a man should always be spiritually leading the woman is very foolish. It negates her own relationship with God and the validity of her own walk. It says that she was born spiritually inferior and always will be.

That isn't the God of the bible.

'There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus'. Gal 3:28

 

[sunshineaaks]

I would love to have some help in analyzing my current relationship. I have a lot of questions as to whether we have God's blessing, and we have certainly made misteps which God would be displeased with. I am very unsure.

We have known each other a year and a half. Dated seriously two months. We get along amazingly well, seem to be extremely good compliments to each other. We find each other spiritually and emotionally fulfilling, helpful towards each other, patient and understanding. Our love transcends the flesh and is deeply rooted in our character and personality. We have had many good things happen to us too! We do feel we have been blessed.

However, there are a couple underlying currents of negativity.

First, she has been married and divorced. I struggle with this because of what Jesus says in Matthew 19:9. "And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except [it be] for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery."

It makes me wonder if marrying her is adultery on my part. She divorced her husband because he was unfaithful, cheating on her, and had a child with another woman. Understandable, and I would suspect understandable under God. However, he was reluctant to divorce too, so she initiated it and in essence, put him away. Can I be certain God would be pleased with marrying her?

Second, I am a much newer Christian than her. We have really enjoyed spending time reading and studying the bible, and I have learned so much. Still, I wonder if God would be pleased that I have been relient on her for some teaching. She believes a man cannot be passive, and I find I have to be passive in terms of Christian teachings generally because her knowledge is deeper than my own. It reminds me of Adam and Eve, where God's displeasure with Adam is that he did not protect Eve from the serpent, and allowed her to bite the fruit and then did so himself. I find I am being relient on her without being able to fully give input to Christian decisions, which I am not sure is pleasing to God.

My pastor does not think this is a huge deal, but it seems to come up a lot and is a challenge.

We did sin (fornication), and have been very regretful of it. We put our desires ahead of God. He has rebuked us in scripture (I in Proverbs, I think she got a lot of it in Deuteronomy). We have also suddenly found some resistence among the authority figures in our lives. We are repentent and committed to avoiding that again until we are married, but of course the damage is done and we are going to face some kind of continual consequences.

So I have been really uncertain. I have a very strong desire to work through any issues, as does she. I am just having trouble determining whether God is really pleased, or whether emotionally I want him to be pleased.

The best place I have been lead to by God is reading 1 Corinthians 13 (particularly 4 thru 8) about his Love for us, and I can compare it very favorable for my Love for her. So I do believe our love is true and not lust. I also have come across passages encouraging me to love and care for widows and children who are missing a parent (I cannot remember the book off hand, but she has a daughter too). It seemed to be confirmation of our relationship.

Anyone have any other advice, what to read or where to look? We communicate great and if there is more for us to look into, I am sure we will sit down and do it together!

Thanks!

There are many books to read and, now with the internet, places to study easier. Two places I’ve found of great help are gracetoyou.org and oneplace.com along with apologist like Norman Geisler, CS Lewis, Josh McDowell, Matt Slick, RC Sproul, just to name a few. Good preachers to listen too (some on youtube) are Paul Washer, John Piper, John MacArthur among others. Either way, search and study the scripture to find which are of God and which are not.

As far as adultery, I believe the offended spouse can forgive and the marriage go forward, however, many times the offender will continue in the adulterous affairs, which, I believe, endangers the entire family with what the adulterer may bring home and infect the household. The spouse can forgive such a mate and still divorce them.

Though there are consequences for sin, I don’t think the consequence is ‘continual’ per say; God knows a person’s heart. Like with David and his adultery with Bathsheba, the consequence was the death of their first born son. With others a one night fling might bring an incurable STD they will have to deal with the rest of their lives. Either case, knowing they are forgiven but they, themselves brought on the consequence of their own actions. God is just, gracious and merciful in His judgment.

 

[Checkered24]

Thank you everyone for the suggestions on where to look, and how to look at the full picture.

I have gotten some other explanations too, which may coincide with some of your replies. My pastor explained that divorce before God does not put the two people back to the same place as they were before. There is a change, or a consequence. Such as Adam and Eve who were not the same after eating the forbidden fruit. Their situation was radically different. His explanation about divorce was similar. How both parties in a divorce will not be condemmed (God is merciful) but they will have a consequence to pay and will not be as they were before the marriage or divorce either.

I do see that in my girlfriend. Fortunately, I think she has learned a lot about herself too, and it has brought her much closer to God.

Her being more knowledgeable in faith is a little different too. Referencing Pricilla and Aquila is an interesting comparison. Sunday morning I attended a bible study that reviewed their relationship with each other, and Paul. Paul was certainly interested and appreciative of them. They both had an equal standing in their marriage to each other, their activity and works, and before God. Your reference where Pricilla is mentioned first is also very unusual and gives her some added status.

Thank you again everyone for your thoughts!