Help me! So confused!

[wendy03]

Hey all. I guess I have to come out with everything so you all will understand and see my predicament. I really need help and advice here.

To make it as short as I can, I will leave some things out.
My husband had an affair 2 years ago. Totally devastated me. He told me one night while he was at his mom and dads. I drove over there (an hour away) and he got in my car with me, I asked all the obvious questions, called this woman, cussed her, threatened her ( as I did him only he got the physical part of my wrath). Anyway, he stayed in my car for 8 hours- 8 hours trapped in that car with him until I said I would give him a chance to make it right. Then he finally got out of my car.

Well I feel I had no time to deal with this. I wanted to be with him and was put in a position right then to make a snap decision.
Anyway- you can imagine the last 2 years at my house. Nothing but torment, hate, fights you name it. Well I finally made him leave this April. He didnt want to but I made him. I couldnt take it anymore.

In the meantime while living with me again, he had a MySpace page. This man is 35 years old mind you. Most of the women he had on his page he didnt even know. They were half naked is why he had them. When I found this out, I made him get rid of it and he of course was mad and resentful. But he got rid of it. He always looked at porn which made me mad but my thought was at least he wasn't out and about with women.

Anyway, I know for a fact he didnt go behind my back on the internet to do anything because I bought a keystroke spyware that I could see his eveymove online and all he did was look at the porn. That was bad enough.

Anyway, he is back at his mom and dads now. His dad has about 2 months to live according to the Drs. (cancer). So my husband is insisting we are not to be together anymore. He is afraid I will hurt him again. You know- because I gave him the business for 2 years for cheating (yes I'm being smart).

Anyhow, I must mention I knew 2 days after he left that I could not lead the way anymore- I needed God to lead the way. I confessed my sins to God and decided to make a firm commitment to God. I am saved and am having a hard time. The bible says to pray and ask for what we want. I have prayed for my husband to turn from his sins. I have prayed all the things I can think of. Well my husband is back on the internet and having a relationship with somone I see it on his myspace page. He has it blocked so that I cant see specifics, but I see enough in his little notes on his homepage about how he is in a romantic mood and all that.
So now here is my problem- do I just let him go? For now we are unequally yoked. He thinks he is doing nothing wrong with the porn and all the naked women. Or do I pray God turns him around? I dont know what to do anymore.

His parents have always been Christians and never failed to miss church or worship God. How is it they have such a disgusting son? I would love for him to change and come home but even then I don't know what I would have to deal with. I cant wait forever on him. And I wont.

Any advice anyone can give me will surely help me. Remember I am a new christian and don't understand a lot of the scriptures. I am trying though!

Thanks.

Wendy

 

[naomigenesis]

Dear Wendy,

I truely understand how u feel now, being continuously cheated by the same person is not a good thing, and forgiving is definately not in the top list now. But what you need to do now is calm down and pray. Pray that God will calm your mind. Do not make wild decisions when you are angry or emotionaly unstable. Wait till you are calm then you only think of the whole matter. Why did your husband do that? that is the main thing you need to find out. Releasing your wrath on him will only cause him to retreat further from you. Furthermore, his dad is in critical condition as what you said, hence this may be the main reason that cause him to have a drastic change in his attitude. And perhaps he is looking for companion, that's why he hook on to Myspace. Perhaps by showing him more love instead of hatred, he may stop hooking on myspace? Try to love him although it may be hard. And always remember that Jesus even till His death, He forgive the people who cruelly treated Him. I will continue to pray for you. Hope that you will be healed spiritually. Hugz.. Please update me with the situation.

Psalm 23:4
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me

 

[Br. Bear]

Greetings Wendy,

I would add that it would be advisable to stop watching your husband so closely.

As a Christian, you now have the Lord to look after all things for you, and we must let Him do just that. Although you may be itching to know what your husband is up to, it is only provoking you to ill feelings.

You must trust the Lord with your husband. When you do that, you are saying to the Lord, I trust you Lord and will leave the matter in your loving and powerful hands. This will free you from the constant knowledge of bad things that your husband is up to, which leads me to say also, that for you, personally, you must tend to your relationship with Jesus.... no-one else will....

and, you need to get His peace and joy, sister. We all do, so it is not just you, but we all need His everlasting joy and peace. While you are constantly looking at all your husband is doing that upsets you so much, you are missing the power of God in Jesus Christ the Lord to keep you and bless you with His joy.

It is bad enough that your husband is stumbling and doing wrong, which would leave him no peace.... so don't you also get caught up in this nasty situation and lose peace as well. Do you understand?

Right now, your husband actuallly needs Jesus and His peace and joy.... and it may just be that it must come from you.... so be strong in His joy.

I know it is easy to say, but you must forget all your husband is doing, and has done, and trust him to Jesus. The Lord wants you, from you. This means that all you can give Him and do for Him, is something that only you can do, and, it is all you can do. You can not give the Lord your husband, and you can not save nor deliver him from this time.... unless you yourself are totally one with the Lord, in which case, it would be Jesus working through you, His special child of grace.

So, Wendy, drop all your 'spying' on your husband. There is no peace in that.
You already know that he is doing wrong. You don't need to keep an eye on him... Jesus will do that.
Trust in the Lord dear sister... we will be praying for you, and the Lord desires your love.

Remember He is Lord... and that means THE Lord, of your life and your husband's life.

May your days be filled with the delight of Jesus and beautiful things and moments that keep you and strengthen you.

Jesus will have His way with your husband.

Follow Jesus, Wendy..... follow Jesus and His moves.

Bless you ...><>

Br. Bear

 

[michael74]

yes sister pray to God for him but at the same time cut him away for good this has come to the end of the road by the sound of it, you just dont need this kind of thing. take off this heavy yoke and put on the Lord Jesus, the promise of eternal life is a yoke that will give you wings, nothing matters when you are wearing it, when you have been wearing it for long enough you aint ever gonna want to take it off, this is the example that you should be showing to the man, and make it clear you arent going back down to that level of weight again.

 

[wendy03]

re: Help So Confused!

Thanks you guys. In response to the first post- I dont know what he is looking for. He has a wife so companionship from another is wrong no matter how you look at it. I know he has had it rough with his dad and all that, but its no excuse. So- if he chooses to stay there and do what he is doing, so be it. Br. Bear- I understand what you're saying. You are right- I am spying and it only infuriates me each time I see what he is doing. I have forgiven him of all he had done before, and even now feel like I have forgiven him for what he is doing on the internet. It makes me sad that a man I once thought so much of has sunk down to this. I know God will deal with him. I know it is only hurting me to keep "checking" what my husband is doing. I have to have the will to STOP checking dont I? It has been hard for me. It really has. But I am finally seeing (I think) what I would have to deal with if he came hoome right now. And I know God would not want me, a new christian, still a little wobbly, to have to deal with that in my home. So I will forge on and keep praying for my husband and myself. It aint easy since I love him so much but I guess once I am through this storm, I will be so happy because I know God is working all of this for my good. Thank you all for your posts. You guys are the best and so helpful. Thank you and God bless us all!
Wendy

 

[elizabeth.d.]

Hi Im new to this website and i dont know if i can offer much, but from my experience God needs us to totally surrender to Him if we expect Him to work in our lives. Faith in Him, that whatever we ask in the name of Jesus, that He will do, but also remembering that He will only do what is best for us, and He being the creator of the universe and our heavenly Father certainly knows whats best. Pray thankfully for God has chosen you and ask for His will for you to be performed in your life. I remember when i first came to the Lord I faced a huge spiritual battle within my family which lead to total upheaval and devastation. But I realised submitting my will to the will of God and trusting in Him to look after me and my children was the only way. It was the hardest but most simple thing ive ever had to do, but after some time (not long tho) God turned our lives around and now He is leading us from glory to glory and that is one of His promises, but we must surrender our will, (having things our way) for His miracles to be performed. Pray, read your Bible daily, learn the word of God believe in His word and then watch Him work. I pray for you that God will reveal Himself to you and give you His peace, the peace of Jesus and the joy of the Holy Spirit. Also I have learned that we cannot change anyone but ourselves, ane trying to change your husband will make you frustrated, tired and angry and it will block the Holy Spirit from working in your life. God bless you, I wish you all the best. Put God first and all else, blessings untold ,will follow.

 

[trulyblezzed]

Hey all. I guess I have to come out with everything so you all will understand and see my predicament. I really need help and advice here.

To make it as short as I can, I will leave some things out.
My husband had an affair 2 years ago. Totally devastated me. He told me one night while he was at his mom and dads. I drove over there (an hour away) and he got in my car with me, I asked all the obvious questions, called this woman, cussed her, threatened her ( as I did him only he got the physical part of my wrath). Anyway, he stayed in my car for 8 hours- 8 hours trapped in that car with him until I said I would give him a chance to make it right. Then he finally got out of my car.

Well I feel I had no time to deal with this. I wanted to be with him and was put in a position right then to make a snap decision.
Anyway- you can imagine the last 2 years at my house. Nothing but torment, hate, fights you name it. Well I finally made him leave this April. He didnt want to but I made him. I couldnt take it anymore.

In the meantime while living with me again, he had a MySpace page. This man is 35 years old mind you. Most of the women he had on his page he didnt even know. They were half naked is why he had them. When I found this out, I made him get rid of it and he of course was mad and resentful. But he got rid of it. He always looked at porn which made me mad but my thought was at least he wasn't out and about with women.

Anyway, I know for a fact he didnt go behind my back on the internet to do anything because I bought a keystroke spyware that I could see his eveymove online and all he did was look at the porn. That was bad enough.

Anyway, he is back at his mom and dads now. His dad has about 2 months to live according to the Drs. (cancer). So my husband is insisting we are not to be together anymore. He is afraid I will hurt him again. You know- because I gave him the business for 2 years for cheating (yes I'm being smart).

Anyhow, I must mention I knew 2 days after he left that I could not lead the way anymore- I needed God to lead the way. I confessed my sins to God and decided to make a firm commitment to God. I am saved and am having a hard time. The bible says to pray and ask for what we want. I have prayed for my husband to turn from his sins. I have prayed all the things I can think of. Well my husband is back on the internet and having a relationship with somone I see it on his myspace page. He has it blocked so that I cant see specifics, but I see enough in his little notes on his homepage about how he is in a romantic mood and all that.
So now here is my problem- do I just let him go? For now we are unequally yoked. He thinks he is doing nothing wrong with the porn and all the naked women. Or do I pray God turns him around? I dont know what to do anymore.

His parents have always been Christians and never failed to miss church or worship God. How is it they have such a disgusting son? I would love for him to change and come home but even then I don't know what I would have to deal with. I cant wait forever on him. And I wont.

Any advice anyone can give me will surely help me. Remember I am a new christian and don't understand a lot of the scriptures. I am trying though!

Thanks.

Wendy

Hello Wendy,

Girl don't give up. You are a strong woman- you have been through alot. All of these trials are here making you stronger. Don't give up onyour husband yet because God never gave up on us-even though we deserved it! :coocoo: The things that your husband is fighting with are spiritual, not physical. So you need to fight them with spiritual weapons. I encourage you to try something that as worked for me many times. Do a prayer and fast for him. Have you ever fasted before? If not, don't do it for a long period of time in the beginning. Start out by maybe fasting by skipping breakfast and vowing not to eat until lunch for 5 days straight or skipping breakfast and lunch for 3 days. Pray everyday for your husband- pray for those spiritual chains to be broken.

Encourage your husband to get away from the porn every way possible- even if he needs to throw away the computer! I know this can be a drastic move, but the bible says if your eye causes you to sin, rip it out! Be encouraged to know that many couple have been on the egde of divorce and God has changed their marriages around! I have seen this first hand.

Try the prayer and fast for him and come back to tell us how it went. I have faith that God is going to do something huge!

Lord I pray for Wendy and her husband right now. I present them both to you and ask for strength and endurance for Wendy. She may be in the midst of a thunderstorm, but allow her to focus on the clear skies that are behind it. I speak blessings and freedom into their lives right now and I declare that her husband will turn to you. Place other male influences in his life that will encourage him to get right. Give him the willingness and strength to break off all ties to the sin that has ruined his marriage. Allow them both to see that it's not over until you say it's over and they can restore their marriage- better than it was before. We know that you are working behind the scenes in her favor. Let us realize that you move by faith and for that, we need to be filled with faith and not doubt. We love you Lord and we praise you for what's about to come. In the name of Jesus, Amen.

Sister, God Bless you and try reading proverbs in the bible- it's the best book for knowledge!

 

[Br. Bear]

I am in total agreement in prayer...

Lord I pray for Wendy and her husband right now. I present them both to you and ask for strength and endurance for Wendy. She may be in the midst of a thunderstorm, but allow her to focus on the clear skies that are behind it. I speak blessings and freedom into their lives right now and I declare that her husband will turn to you. Place other male influences in his life that will encourage him to get right. Give him the willingness and strength to break off all ties to the sin that has ruined his marriage. Allow them both to see that it's not over until you say it's over and they can restore their marriage- better than it was before. We know that you are working behind the scenes in her favor. Let us realize that you move by faith and for that, we need to be filled with faith and not doubt. We love you Lord and we praise you for what's about to come. In the name of Jesus, Amen.

and say...

amen

Bless you Wendy ...><>

Br. Bear

 

[wendy03]

Thank You Jesus for these people that stand in prayer for me! What an inspiration it is to me!!! I must tell you truleyblezzed- he is not only in all the porn, he has started a relationship through MySpace with someone. So it isnt only spiritual he is going through. However, keep the encouragement and prayers coming! I need all the inspiration I can get. Just when I think I am about to pass through this, my husband comes right back into mind with a vengence. I dont know if it is coming from Satan or what- but I do know that all I can do is cry to God- for strength and wisdom and courage to face whatever comes. God Bless youall. I love you dearly and thank you so very very much!
Wendy

 

[Bratface75]

Wendy, I am sorry to hear this yet again. Too many marriages are under fire these days, and as we all recognize that satan is on full force working overtime to break up marriages. If he an break up the marriage, he can try to penetrate the church. Thank God for leaders who stand strong and teach God's Word and offer opportunities to help married couples through their struggles and offer Godly counsel as well.

My advice to you is to seek that Godly council.

I was married for 10 years. Neither one of us really had that relationship with God until 2 years into our marriage. For a couple years all was well, we were both growing and maturing in God's word and our christian walk. Until my ex-husband began to allow his guard to be down and was mesmerized with the freedom of self employment. I never caught on to the signs until the latter part of the problems. We spent 4 years in counseling, and I spent every bit of it praying daily for my ex- to be broken free of the pull to pornography and drugs. Within that 4 years I forgave forgave forgave because the Lord spoke to me sooooo clearly everytime to forgive. He would be gone for days without a phone call. I knew the demands of his work, and yes, it seemed ligit as the paychecks were coming in as if he was truley working. Little did I know that later it would reveal where the money really was coming from.

He was so caught up in drugs and pornography that it diminished our marriage. He wanted the divorce, and quite honestly I was tired of spinning my wheels trying to make this marriage work. After fighting for so long, I finally gave him what he wanted. When the divorce took place, evidences began to unravel. Being a "nice" and caring Christian I went even to the extent of moving him from his apartment 90 miles from our once home when he was in jail. I then found out he had been living with a stripper for quite some time (while we were still married). It was at that point I finally let go completely.

Through a lot of prayer and asking God over and over again why in the world I labored so hard for our marriage to fall apart, what was his plan in all of this. For months I felt alone and lost. I never gave up and continued to seek God's will for myself and my children.

A few months later I began dating again. 2 years into dating, I am now married again.

I am still uncertain on why in the world this happened to myself and my children, but instead of trying to hold on, I let it go to God. I had no other choice if I wanted to keep my own sanity and live with the peace of God.

As for my ex- He is now serving time and his sin has caught up with him. He writes from jail to myself and his children periodically. He accepted full responsibility for what happened, and is working on getting his life straight. Of course, my first thoughts were, he kinda has no choice but to do so in prison. It looks as if he will be on parole in about a year, and time will tell if he truley has subbmitted his full self to God.

In telling you all this I hope it is an encouragement and will influence you to let go and let God. I can't tell you whether or not to ditch the dude or to try to stick with it, because quite frankly I am not God and I dont dare try to help influence decisions that could be wrong. You will know what to do. Step back, look at the bigger picture and try to see God's hands working in your situation. Seek Him first and foremost. Make sure your heart is right with God because you could be in preperation of something huge whether it is to help speak to men and women whom are in a similar situation, or that you are being prepared to enter into another covenent to be the woman God has called you to be.

Something else you should consider is your self esteem. You have to realize that no matter what you deal with, no matter what you go through, that you are beautifully made. This is between you and God. What is inside you may have felt hurt and betrayed, but that is just a casualty, not a definition of who you really are. There is nothing you did or could have done to cause your husband to stumble when it comes down to the truth. It was HIS choice. Now, because you can't change any of it, what will be your choice? Dont allow yourself to fall prey to satan's attack on you. Pray for your husband daily. If it comes down to him being your ex-husband, pray for him even then. Although he hurt you, and made mistakes, he still has a chance in God's eyes to live righteously. It may be the very thing that brings him back around. And that, as a believer, is our goal.

~Hugs~ to you my sister in Christ...

 

[wendy03]

Thanks for all of the prayers and kind words. I am still seeking answers here from God concerning my marriage. It is a long process and at times painful. But I know I need patience and I need answers from God. Everything around me seems to scream "Give it up! He isnt coming home!" But for whatever reason, it is still in my heart that God wants to save this marriage. I pray to have patience and I KNOW He will work it all out to my good and His glory. I cant hardly wait for that moment to come! In Jesus name. Wendy

 

[rizen1]

I'm praying with you, for God's will to be done.
For you to keep the faith no matter how long the wait may seem.

God's timing is never our timing, but it's always worth the wait.

 

[NewYears1978]

Wendy, I had never read this before, good to get the whole story.

It is good to read of a similar story as mine, but from the other perspective. I can see how my ex wife must have felt when she was praying and begging for me to stay and work things out, yet I did not.
You are a huge blessing to me through your trying times as it is really opening my eyes as to what I put her through and this will really help me in my healing process of healing myself etc. So thank you.

I will continue to pray for you, don't give up on God, as he will fulfill his promises if we seek him! This is something I am having to cope with and learn myself and having other christians to lean on and help has been working wonders.

You are loved!