Help.

[RDam25]

I'm a drug addict who turned my life over to god back in january of 2009. I checked into a christian drug treatment program which is 15 months long in another city only to find myself on the streets a week later waiting to get into another treatment program which is shorter, plus the opportunity to live in a halfway house and work. I thought god would bless me if I suffered on the streets as I had no idea that the homeless shelter offered a drug treatment program.

Anyways, I found it very strange that my roomate in inpatient treatment was born on the same day as me exactly 40 years before I was. I was born on may 15th 1984.. and he was born on may 15th 1944. Also to mention, that the nurse wrote on my dentist apointment form as my birthdate as may 15th 1944. (40 is in the bible alot)

When I completed treatment, I got a job and lived in the halfway house. I told my co-worker my birthdate and he told me that was the day his mom died on. (He said his mom always told him to celebrate the day of her death.)

Anyways, one day the lord wasn't with me. It was 2 days before I was supposed to graduate the entire treatment program. I prayed and prayed.. and got no grace back. I felt alone... So I thought that if I approached the bar the lord would give me grace and I would know that he loves me. I ended up drunk.. thinking that the lord would make his love known to me. That I was serious.. The next day i felt horrible.. like I have sinned in the worst possible way.. I begged for forgiveness and jumped back up and decided to pursue my recovery again.

2 weeks later, again, I was not blessed.. I began to think that the lord hated me and that I was doomed to destruction based on all the past expierences I have had. I planned my next relapse... (thinking that the lord would speak out)... nothing happened.. so I sinned again.. (sexual immorality)... I pleaded for forgiveness and returned to pursuing the lord

a week later it happened again.. accept this time when I pleaded for forgiveness.. I wasn't forgiven. I was up all night until 10 am the next morning. I read the entire new testament from acts on hoping that I would be forgiven. I came across the book of HEBREWS. which made everything worse and I actually felt eternally condemed. HEBREWS 6 says.. "Once you have tasted the holy spirit.. and fall away... it is impossible to return to repentace because it is recrucifying the lord all over again holding him to public shame."

Then I came across the chapter of HEBREWS 12. were it says" that when the lord rebukes you.. it is because he is discipling u.. because he loves u.. " if only I would have read that before I relapsed.. because it probably would've prevented my relapse.. plus my other two most recent sins.. and I wouldnt be in this big mess right now.

Anways, now I live in a christian recovery house.. and I have been here for a few weeks..

That was last thursday and I have mostly felt crappy ever since. I have had a couple feelings of forgiveness, but I have mostly been in hell ever since. Is there any hope left for me? Did I blasphemy the holy spirt? I'm thinking about checking myself back into that 1 year christian program, but I don't want to waste both mine and the lords time if I cannot be forgiven.

What's with my birthdate too? my roomate having the same birthdate as me.. exactly 40 years before me.. (And he went out and relapsed on crack.. have no idea where he is today0..

HELP!

 

[Coconut]

Hello RDam

It seems as tho you are willing to believe in superstition, coincidence, feelings, emotions...anything that makes you "feel" better ...but not so willing to believe God....and there in your (as is for all humanity) only real problem.

You are relying on how you "feel" to provide you with some sense of acceptance with God, and that is not a very good gauge of a relationship at all....not with others, and especially not with God.

You have read the Testament of Christ...so you must have read these words...

Heb 11:6 And without faith it is impossible to please God, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.

The rewards of God are not "feelings"...tho you may or may not feel Gods presence or power, or even approval at any given time...but the rewards of God are things that cannot be touched, or felt, or seen...and one of those rewards is namely, salvation to you, and that is not something you have to 'better yourself' to have. God says, I love you right where you are, right as you are, and because I love you, I am giving life to you. You see? Its not about what you did or did not do right or wrong...its unmerited LOVE!


Eph 2:4 But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us,
Eph 2:5 even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ--by grace you have been saved--
Eph 2:6 and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus,
Eph 2:7 so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.
Eph 2:8 For by [GODS] grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God,

Blessings ...and Godspeed on your recovery!

GNB Php 4:12 I know what it is to be in need and what it is to have more than enough. I have learned this secret, so that anywhere, at any time, I am content, whether I am full or hungry, whether I have too much or too little.
Php 4:13 I have the strength to face all conditions by the power that Christ gives me.

 

[Boanerges]

Forget the feelings right now as between the drugs and emotional trauma you are very confused.
Just trust God.
God saw every mistake you would ever make and knew exactly when you would stumble yet He still sent His Son for you- that is love.
We as a species like to make a mess out of our lives and then find a way to blame it on God. All the while He is waiting to pick up the pieces and make something beautiful out of the broken shards we create.

Mat 12:20 A bruised reed shall he not break, and smoking flax shall he not quench, till he send forth judgment unto victory.

You my friend are a bruised reed, allow the Master Gardener to graft you into His Vine. His life will begin to flow in yours and you will see healing, restoration and newness of life.

 

[J Krys]

New Creation in Christ

To RDam25:

I read your story and instantly equated it mine - although my dug of choice was alcohol and my struggle lasted for 10 years. My backsliding also involved sexual immorality so I can relate without judgement. But let's talk about the good stuff. . .

1. You first identified yourself as an addict and while that may work for AA, I would recommend that you first identify yourself as a Christian (with an addiction - but the addiction does not define who you are. Christ does!).

2. Try reading Neil Anderson's books - Victory over the Darkness or The Bondage Breaker. They helped me.

3. What are you doing in Acts and Hebrews? Coconut was right to direct you to Ephesians which talks about some of the spiritual experiences which you seek. Try the Book of John again just to remind yourself of how much God loves you.

4. I had myself convinced that my prayers didn't work anymore. Keep praying for yourself and for others in similar circumstances. I'm sure that your posting will bring prayer warriors to your aid even if you don't know that they are praying.

Here's a verse that a very wise man shared with me shortly after I beat my addiction and now I'll pass it on to you (I'll be including this verse in my prayers for you):

"In the shadow of his hand he hid me; he made me into a polished arrow and concealed me in his quiver." Isaiah 49:2

God is protecting you in the hollow of his hand for the time being. You are safe in his quiver. BUT you are slowly becoming a weapon for God - an arrow that will fly straight and true because you are polished. And sometimes the polishing is a little bit painful.

 

[lizabe]

Dear RDam25, I beleive your beliefs and concepts of God and how HE operates in your life is not very accurate. Seems you base it on physical responses, feelings etc in your life.
And you actually use these physical responses or lack of them to determine if God is with you or not, and also on HIS manner of forgiveness.

Once you ask God forgiveness in anything, HE immediately forgives and forgets the sin,.
You may remember it but God totally forgets it [ you can read that in the psalms]
At that point, its by faith you beleive God's word concerning forgiveness and move on to the next step of desiring to live your life using the word of God, but you do need some teaching. Ephesians 4 says thats the purpose of apostles, prophets, evangelists etc.

However if you not in a church yet you can obtain some christian articles on the net to feed your spirit while you wait.

Be guided accordingly
Yours in Christ
Lizabe

 

[RJ]

only The Truth Can Set You Free

Jesu said: "I am the way and the truth, no one comes to the Father except through me!"

My friend, you are mixed up and confused. I can help, I have sent you a private message. Please go to User Cp then Pivate Messages.

You are here for a reason, this is no mistake, Christ himself may be knocking on the door of your heart.

Please look at my message.

Joe

 

[RDam25]

Please remove my posts

How do you delete your account on here? Please remove my post "help".. I dont want it on there anymore.

 

[beam]

Hello there RDam25,

I hope you dont want to delete your post on account of shame or embarassment. It seems that when you wrote it, you did it straight from the despair that you were feeling at the time, that is a GENUINE cry for help, good for you.

There are many posts on this site where people have been brutally honest about their situations and have gained much prayer and insight even solutions because of that.

One thing I can tell you from my own experience of years in hell through drug and alcohol abuse is that we tend to go to all the places and make right where we can except with ourselves, often forgetting we need to look in the mirror and say to yourself, I do love you, and I FORGIVE YOU TOO.

May God strengthen you to execute His will in your life in Jesus name, amen.

Warm regards
beam

 

[Truehearts]

How do you delete your account on here? Please remove my post "help".. I dont want it on there anymore.

you should ask a chad or a moderator...but i wonder why you want to delete it.... people here are more than willing to help you... I suggest you dont though. Maybe you could just cut or edit your post if you dont want others to see those too personal things...about the account, i hope you'll keep it. God bless.

 

[RJ]

Sound advice Beam!