how do you move on?

calbi · Aug 7, 2012

i'll try to make this short. i've only been in 1 reltp - started 10 yrs ago when i was 18 for 3 1/2 yrs (3 yrs were long-dsitance). both PKs but with a lot of personal pain. i finally got the strength to leave (only by God's grace seriously) because I realized the way we were going (very co-dependent, unhealthy), we'd definitely never be together but maybe if i sort myself out, become right with the Lord, we could have a chance... but i was also prepared to never be with him again. after a 2 yr brk we got back in touch and got emotionally involved again (long distance) but he still said we had no future and after a yr of me hoping and him telling me to move on, i got a job abroad so took it as my chance to start over a SECOND time. he started msging me about a yr later and although in the beginning i'd reply, i started blocking him bcuz i didn't want to get hurt again. he kept msging me over 3 yrs, i kept blocking (he'd msg every month or 2-3 months)...

last year he msgd again and by this time i thought i'd been over him for 2 yrs...i REALLY felt nothing and really thought i was over it. he wanted to talk and i thought fine - maybe if we talk he'll finally see that i'm really over him and he'll stop msging.

we spoke - and it felt like home... and i fell back into it cuz i discovered i still felt exactly the same way for him. this time - we tried to be better and comparatively we were... and i've been really happy... but of course with it came other things that i know the Lord doesnt approve of.. recently we've had a rough patch cuz he's been depressed and started thinking bout the past again and kinda ended it with me which broke me.. cuz he's the only man i've ever loved my whole life and the only one i've ever wanted to be with... but i decided ok Lord.. this time i'll really try to depend on you and make you my REAL God and not him... but we kinda got back 2 days later cuz he said he didn't knw what came over him but he just felt like giving up on everything and life (own personal issues) ... but i'd decided there were some things i couldn't continue doing anymore and now .. we're over again cuz i'm trying to stick to this decision and for him he doesn't agree with it.....

i guess i'm writing basically cuz -
1. athough right now i feel ok - i know it's gonna hurt like hell... getting over this a third time when every time i always give him everything ( i know i shouldn't)
2. i'm scared after a few days or so i'll decide to give in cuz this is smthg i REALLY WANT to work cuz i really do love him SO much...and i'm willing to do anything for him..
3. he's an alcoholic, depressed and has been through a lot of personal trials and i feel sad cuz i wonder why God isn't helping... of course i'm trying to fight against that cuz i know it's not true and the Lord is ALWAYS working but... it's difficult tobelieve it when you worry so much over someone you love completely..
4. i'll always love him. this is the beginning of 11 yrs of me wanting this and loving him and i just don't know what to do about the future...
5. i'm worried i'm making a mistake by being stubborn and letting this end when all i need to do is say ok and we'll be back together again... and i feel responsible cuz he's been through a lot cuz of me (my past and how i was when we were first together wasn't good and he bore ALOT for me)... and i feel like i owe it to him to give in and make him happy...and i really would in a heartbeat it's just that now... i guess deep inside I really want to love the Lord first...

oh I don't know what i need or why i'm writing... there's noone to talk to where i live ( remote part of asia and no engish-speakers let alone church).. so i'm turning to the internet... :-| Help please.. i love him so much..

Michelle71 · Aug 7, 2012

Hi Calbi. Don't know what PK means in your post, but I do know a little bit about attachment disorders. There is a way to become free from that, and to move on. Sometimes the person we have the wrong attachment to will not leave our lives, so then what? The only thing that can be done is work on our own response and actions with prayer. Being enabled by God's Spirit to resist that unhealthy attachment.

So, because you are new here, what is posted here may seem strange, but bear with me.

There are steps to a full blown attachment disorder. That means anything we place above God, as in anything we are looking to in order to be complete or fulfilled other than God, is sin. The words that are posted here are found in the Bible. The first word is either the original Hebrew or Greek depending on if the word is found in the Old or New Testament.

Attachment disorder

Thriambeuo-triumph over 2Co2
Haptomai-attach oneself to 1Jn5
Hapto-fasten to/set on fire 1Jn5
Throeo-trouble/frighten/clamor 2Th2

So, look at the steps. We become frightened about something, or thrown into a clamor. Then the tendancy is to look for something to stabilize us. That usually means going back to something that seemed to be of help to us before, or something comfortable. That means fastening to something that is seen as stable or complete. That very thing that is fastened to will triumph over us, and cause us to submit to it. Even if the person themselves does nothing to cause it, and it unaware of the idolatry from the other person or not. The act of idolatry triumphs over the person who is holding the other in idolatry. It is a battle of the mind.

So, then the question is what to do about it. If those chapters listed by the words above are read, then a picture of how to pray and what to do becomes clearer.

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Loose over subject
Euphraino-good frame of mind 2Co 2

Chairo-rejoice in Lord

Peitho-confidence in the Lord
Chara-cheerfulness
Agape-love of the Lord
Charizomai-forgiveness
Parakaleo-comfort of the Lord
Hupekoos-obedient to the Lord
Euaggelion-preach the gospel of Christ
Apotassomai-say adieu
Triambeuo-victory over
Gnosis-knowledge of Christ
Eudia-sweet savor
Eilikrineia-purity/sincerity
Laleo-speak in Christ as of God
Tereo-keep commandments 1Jn5

Nikao-overcome
Pistis-faith
Pisteuo-believe Jesus is the Son of God
Martureo-Spirit to bear witness of
Aletheia-truth
Aitema-petition the Lord
Tereo-keep watch
Dianoia-understanding
Phulasso-isolate from idolatry
Epiphaneia-brightness of Lord
Dechomai-receive love of truth
Sozo-be saved
Eucharisteo-give thanks to Lord
Hagiasmos-be sanctified
Peripoiesis-obtain the glory of Christ
Steko-stand fast

Elpis-hope
Charis-grace
Sterizo-estabish in good word and work

Now, when sin is shown in our lives, the very first thing to do is repent of it. Then pray against the influences that we have allowed to seep through. Then pray that the Lord will enable the ability to do the opposite things, or God's standard will be upheld and manifested in our own life. That is what the above list shows. God's standard of counters against idolatry in the form of attachment disorder.

The prayer would be to ask the Lord through the name of Jesus Christ to take away, bind, and make all of the steps of attachment disorder to be rendered useless. And that He would loose, or give, or bestow, or enable the establishment of good words and works along with His grace, comfort as He sees repentance (turning away from), thanksgiving (etc), coming from us. Our attachment should be to God through His Son, Jesus Christ above all other attachments. Not saying that we do not make bonds with others, but those bonds should be godly bonds bearing good fruit.

::PreciousinChrist:: · Aug 8, 2012

3. he's an alcoholic, depressed and has been through a lot of personal trials and i feel sad cuz i wonder why God isn't helping... of course i'm trying to fight against that cuz i know it's not true and the Lord is ALWAYS working but... it's difficult tobelieve it when you worry so much over someone you love completely..

Read more: http://www.talkjesus.com/counseling/42659-how-do-you-move.html#ixzz22x7T3QaL

Dear Calbi, yes as you have said, the Lord is indeed ALWAYS working. This guy you are talking about is the one who needs to believe in the Lord concerning his personal salvation which in turn will affect his health as well. The "believing part" depends on the guy.
Another pointer is that you must not worry over him even when you love him so much. Be sharp with yourself and start praying concerning this issue and seek the Lord concerning the guy ( his salvation and whether he's the one). Its important to get answers from God before you move on into serious decisions like marriage (if thats on your mind).
If it is God's will, things will work out or they will won't but keep your eyes on Him always. Give Him first place in your life. Let God restore your soul...

Leaving you with a verse - Phil 4:4-6

God bless you
PRE

Quasicentennium · Sep 18, 2012

Sometimes you wonder why God would release Satan on Earth deliberately to do his dirty work of turning our positive feelings of Christ into rotten negative feelings that are faith-destroying and community-destroying, where crime, loneliness, depression and other rotten fruits of Satan can keep us locked into an imaginary prison even in your own relaxing environment that is your home. With our supernatural miraculous faith in Christ, as Christians, Jesus is our spiritual fighter against all kinds of deceptions of sin, right from the time he was accepted in our hearts to the time that you will move to the next stage of metamorphosis - meaning, that your temporary earth-born body made of flesh and bone will go back to the soil but your unique soul will be transported to your future newly perfect Christ-transformed mind and body so that health, youth and super-intelligence, just like Jesus himself, will give us that super-positive confidence to understand and communicate better with each other, as well as showing off our hidden favorite talents such as singing, dancing or even acting as a TV extra just for fun for a change, to see yourself in television to bring joy and laughter to someone's life, especially those who might suffer a mental or physical disability, or a long-term medical condition. May Jesus be accepted in your partner's life to charge his batteries with the supernatural faith of Jesus, to resurrect the positive fruits of Jesus in his heart, to bring out the talent that excites Christ's holy spirit that will flow into the hearts of our community where ever he goes. I like dancing and have been to socials like a wedding or birthday party just to loosen the excitement of dancing to stay positive, while still in my late 40s, I dance privately in my lounge in front of the 50 inch 1080p plasma TV where a DVD dancing movie or CD musical album is playing in my blu-ray player .;*;.

calbi · Sep 20, 2012

Thank you Michelle71, PRE and Quasicentennium for your posts. I'm sorry it took me so long to reply. We got back a few days later after my first post but have had it rough since. I think we're finally over now though...He has too many issues with my past and well - ya no point explaining. He started having chest and abdomen pain last thursday but refuses to go to the hospital cuz he wants to give up on life too. So I'm stressing over whether we've really ended or not and whether I'll ever see him again cuz he's been drinking every night for many years now and I shouldn't be surprised if he dies soon but i HATE that i have to think of him dying... when just breaking up and us being over is too much already to bear.

But i know - you're all right, God is in control and good, etc. It's easy knowing that in your head but it's difficult to know/believe beyond that. But I also know it's all my fault where I am now so.. anyway - thank you all for caring enough to write

I'm sorry I sound bitter. I know God is good I know.. it's just still difficult. And being in a place where I'm the only christian is even harder cuz there's really no place to get sound advice from. I live in a rural area of a non-English speaking country too. But thank you again. Please keep praying that I will be humble, and be able to stay away from him... I don't know if I should change my number so I'll stop hoping to hear from him..;(

calbi · Sep 20, 2012

@Michelle71

PK = Pastor's Kids... ironically..

evan · Sep 30, 2012

Hi Calbi,

Maybe it would help you to stay strong if you ask the Lord to open your spiritual eyes to help you see the "real" spirits you are in love with... Adultry, lust.....ect. the truth is you keep falling in and out of love with satan. If you tell yourself this, read your bible get into fellowship and go into deep prayer you may find the strength you are looking for. Jesus wants you to turn from satan, turn to Jesus and take hold of that for which Jesus has for you and fix your eyes on Jesus. Fall deeply in love with Jesus and never turn back again. And yes, give him to God and change that number You know you can do it.
I will pray for you.

Trisha · Oct 1, 2012

I don't believe God is with someone who is fornicating. It is listed as a sin. God hates sin. Jesus will clean you up but if you keep going back to this, then how can you expect God to help you. Celibacy is the only thing outside of marriage. God cannot tolerate a sinful life.
Do not tell me I am condemning because we are supposed to judge sin. People forget fornication is NOT acceptable in the eyes of the Lord. People seem to want God to overlook this sin and work on their behalf. Its not going to happen.

Quasicentennium · Dec 6, 2012

Faith is my future including the future of every Christ-believing brother and sister inside God's ultimate green clean accommodation-free-for-all city: Kingdom of God .;*;.Rev 21:2 .;*;.
Patience and the peace of Christ keep my faith strong whenever I wake up early in the morning around 3am when the sound of silence surrounds the streets in our local suburbs. That early night silent peace keeps reminding me that the Second Coming of Jesus could happen while we are asleep so that when we wake up next morning, we will appear young, healthy with no sign of any disease, bad bacteria or virus inside our newly Christ-transformed minds and bodies, or even those with missing or defective body parts will be made whole in perfect shape and size, and even those who are too tall as giants, or too small as midgets/dwarfs.
All our negative life experiences of our temporary Earth-born lives will be totally drowned out by the abundance of positive energy of Christ's supernatural joy that is beyond sexual feelings of hunger: sexual feelings that seem to have joy in short bursts and then depression or sadness felt afterwards.
Books, CDs and other types of learning tools on healing marriage or avoiding divorce are at online stores from Christian television ministry websites such as Creflo Dollar, Joyce Meyers, Benny Hinn and other American pastors.
Divorce is like a car accident waiting to happen and you wished you had some kind of magic TV remote control to play back your personal life from the moment you felt let down or ignored, duped, cheated or financially uncomfortable with your poor partner: to see the behind-the-scenes secrets of dishonesty or fears of your partner.;*;.

Rev T.S.Perkins · Dec 7, 2012

Once a spiritual connection has been made it s tough to break...I encourage you use wisdom and let God Guide you ...listen to that still small voice youve been hearing and have faith its right..dont allow youreself to be in bondage to somthing or someone that is not pointing you towards Christ..Its hard to walk off from someone you love .God knows ive made my share of mistakes in the realationship game ..what broke the chains is loving God more than others or self ..dont be propelled by lonelyness or a sense of loyalty due to past actions ..Always put Christ in between He and thee and let Christ be youre filter....and just a note if there is a drinking problem it Must be in ck before you get tied to this person ...thats a hard rat to kill ..! (spent five yrs deep in a bottle I KNOW first hand )...Rev

Rev T.S.Perkins · Dec 7, 2012

wasn't expecting this God ask me to show you something ..
When God called Elisha. For ministry something drastic happened
Elisha was a farmer he had an extreme attachment to the land he loved so dearly..
He knew what it was to serve .he was the twelfth plow in his fathers field .the last not the first
as some would demand as a sons right...at the calling into ministry he immediately broke his plow built a fire
killed the oxen and cooked them...He laid aside and destroyed any thing would call him back to that spot

Sister i tell you this .!
You have been faithful to the plow a true servant and some times to move forward we have to burn a sacred cow and all that would hold us in bondage and keep us from fulfilling our calling God has for us ....never agin would he know the soil in his hands or smell the sweet smell of turned soil ...but because of his sacrifice and service God blessed Him with14
miracles to Elijah's 7. A double portion just as prayed for at the shift change so to speak .....God has been speaking to you're heart towards this end ..! He has specific plans for you listen closely to his voice .

As always I pray this finds you in due season and may the peace of God be youres...Rev

Daniel Symmons · Dec 8, 2012

God loves you! He loves this guy also. If I have you right, what you were looking for in this relationship was commitment. You love him and committed to him and he would not commit because he was addicted to drink.

God loves him also, it hurts him that this guy worships the bottle instead of Him. He would love to rescue him from this snare and forgive him of all His sins, just as you would take him back if he could do this perhaps.

Sometimes Jesus shows us how we treat him in the actions of those around us. He's always doing it to me and it'd really humbling to realise how much He puts up with from me, in spite of (or perhaps because of His majesty).

Can you see that God wants our total commitment to Him as you wanted this guy to commit to you. That he put drink and insecurity perhaps before the wholesome love you offered. Do you put anything in the way of the wholesome love God offers you?

I pray for you both, especially him as he seems far from the love of our Lord and in real danger. I pray he may open his heart to Christ who is longing and able to rescue him and make him whole. If he puts Jesus at the centre, he can be healed and regain the capacity to love.

I pray this for you also, but I do not think you are far from him. Draw ever closer to his love.

God only knows what the future holds for both of you both, but I think the others who have replied are right when they say that it is a dangerous thing to accept him as he is. It is not wrong that you love him, or that it hurts to turn away when he is suffering. These I think are godly emotions but it is not love to help him continue his dangerous path by travelling with him unchallenged.

The best advice is, as others have said, to bring it all to Christ who shares in our suffering and pray earnestly for strength, comfort and guidance in this. And keep praying with all your heart for this guy as I'm sure you do.

My prayers go our to you, especially in your remoteness at this time. But remember, as Christians, we are one body and He is always near!!

calbi · Jan 3, 2013

Thank you all for writing. I haven't checked this in abt 5 months because unfortunately... it's really hard to do what you all say even though i know it's right... anyway, as is what usually happens i'm back cuz i think this is it. this winter i went home for 10 days - it would be my chance to meet my bf since i go home only once a yr. he refused saying that only if i behaved would we continue. he didn't want me going to family dinners or gatherings with my church and i tried to reason with him but he refused. there was no way i could avoid fam dins so he's convinced i dnt care abt us, only about my reasons and excuses and that i've been good only cuz i was living abroad and lonely so i used him. anyway - we ended up not meeting, fighting instead and ending...and me begging not to end although every time we end part of me is always relieved in a way and i'm strong for a few days but i get scared again.. we're over now i know though.
anyway, last night he said he'd started bleeding from his rectum, peeing blood as well as puking blood since about a month back. he refuses to go to the hospital because he's determined to die this time. he's been depressed for many years now.
my request i guess is - i don't know whether to tell his family since he refuses to.. i dont' know whether to tell my parents cuz i always want to protect him from anyone thinking bad about him.. and i don't know what i'll do if and when he does go - right now i don't feel much because i've played this scenario in my head many times in an effort to prepare for it...but i don't know if i'll just flip if it really happens. i also don't know if i should continue replying to his msgs cuz he's jst angry now blaming accusing me of so many things that r so untrue and i think he's just scared of the bleeding that's happening despite wanting it to get worse so he can die.
i go back to where i work in a few days. i did one counseling session with a christian counselor via skype last month and will try to do that again this week... but please be praying - for me, for him - for whatever God leads you to pray for... Thank you so much for all your replies - I'm going to take the steps to change, i am. please - be praying for him and me... thank you..

Rev T.S.Perkins · Jan 3, 2013

He sounds quite controlling and that will play with youre emotinions every time ..Beware .! I will pray and believe for you to follow the leading of the lord on this ..Lord may you deal with his heart and give guidence to my sister..Lord we seek youre will and none other . How much does this guy love you if He wont get with the God program in His life,,making you feel guilty is a sign of insecurity on His part and the act of a desperate person .even if there are health problems it not right for him to use that as a way to hold you in bondage ...its minipulation and witch craft at best ....back up and take a long look before you jump.....//I pray that the last post i made gave you a differant view of it all ..In Gods love youre brother Rev

Daniel Symmons · Jan 3, 2013

Praying for you at this hard time. I agree with Rev Perkins advice, the way he is playing on your guilt is not loving.

I can see why you are hesitant about talking to his parents and yours about his state of health but please bring this to God and pray for discernment.

Jesus' advice on future worries is to take each day as it comes as it has enough worries of it's own. At times we can lose sight of today because the worries of tomorrow consume us. Whatever happens draw close to Christ who carries us through the worst of times and is with us always to make all things bearable because he carries us and are burdens also!

Counselling is good, it has help me stay on track. We need to share the things we carry with someone 'outside' our lives at times.

My prays are with him also.

revbrad · Jan 4, 2013

Seek Christ .....if you commit totaly to Christ He will get you through whatever may come....immerse yourself in Him

Matthew 11:
28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Praying for you and for his salvation

revbrad · Jan 4, 2013

Put no one before the Lord

Matthew 10:37
He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

calbi · Jan 8, 2013

Thank you again for writing. I told my parents about his bleeding... they're disappointed in him, and they sense it's an unhealthy relationship since he didn't even meet me despite me being home only once a year... I haven't told his sisters yet but I think I will today... I don't know if a part of me is hesitant because I'm still afraid of my bf hating me... although he already said he does... but this morning we spoke because.. well.. it's not so easy for me to just cut him off knowing he's gonna die soon... I'm sorry I don't know if that's just an excuse I make for myself or not, I have no idea about anything anymore... anyway, we spoke this morning - he was drunk...when he's drunk he becomes really sweet... i asked if he bled yesterday and he said it's always like that... that he just wants to be with me, that he thought he'd die with his dad around (his dad died 3-4 yrs ago), that he just wants me to hold him when he goes, that he'll call when he's dying and we can both cry together...

I know... he can be manipulative, and insecure, possessive, controlling... I know it all and yet I love him... I can't stop.. I've been trying to read and memorize verses lately, and praying a lot because I know I need to take care of myself and realize I'm powerless over this (subscribed to an AlAnon thread which kinda helps me)... but it's still painful... and scary...

Please pray for me - that i will email the sisters today and delay no more... that ... I don't know what else to pray for... I'm sorry my post today is a bit of a mess.. thank you for writing and praying ..

Rev T.S.Perkins · Jan 8, 2013

One of the biggest traps in ministry is the line between compassion and love !!
its hard to remain objective after beeing so close to the man ..back up ask God for the strength to be there for if it be Gods will..and be willing to bey God if not but pray for him always..may wisdom be youres child and may The Lord show you clearly His will on this matter but either way seek The Lord for the calling and Gift he has been stirring in you and leave the rest to Him....Rev

Daniel Symmons · Jan 11, 2013

This must be a harrowing time for you Calbi. My prayers are with you and I will pray for him also.
Hold on to Gods hand in this, He seems able to draw closer to us when we are in real need of His loving support. Rev P is right, pray before you act and do everything through God in this and he can add His blessing to the trauma you are going through. He will keep you safe!

Welcome!

how do you move on?

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