Glow
Member
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2013
- Messages
- 83
I know this is long. Sorry.
I've been putting on a "strong face" online, but the truth is, I am fighting a battle lately with whether or not I am truly saved. God seems so distant, and even though I started out having the joy of salvation when I "was saved," I am now starting to just...slip away. I'm getting angrier at God lately, I've been blaming Him, accusing Him in my mind (which I realize is an attribute of Satan himself, to my shame), and feeling like I'm just not close to Him.
Problem #1: Everything I do for Him that is an inconvenience to me is burdensome. For instance, I enjoy going to church because I love hearing the word of God, and I love doing Bible studies -- but as soon as you mention doing a Bible study to me while I'm busy doing something fun, such as spending time on a fun forum website (which I've been doing lately), then I will quickly say, "No thanks. Not right now." Anything that "inconveniences" me is a burden, and it bothers me because Jesus Himself said that we must take up our cross daily and follow Him. Jesus also prayed, in the garden of Gethsemane, that God's will might be done, despite the fact that He knew what was coming. Yet I can't even give up a forum site to do a Bible study? Aren't His commandments not supposed to be burdensome?
Problem #2: Many of the things I do seem to be because "I don't want to go to Hell." Instead of doing things out of a pure love for God, and out of just wanting to serve Him from the joy of being saved, lately I've been doing everything out of fear of Hell.
Problem #3: I have become entangled in legalism. a) I got rid of all of my instrumental dance music (no lyrics, no evil content, just instruments) and all of my Christian music (except for the "hymns" and soft-sounding ones because the other songs weren't "Christian" enough); b) I completely destroyed an innocent and very expensive program that my father bought for me to help me create/produce music (which he doesn't know about); c) My supposed convictions tell me that I am not allowed to watch sermons online in video format -- only in audio format -- because it's a sin to do anything "unnecessary"; d) I feel like I am not allowed to take vitamins for my hair to grow, because anything that is done for you yourself is a sin; among others.
It's tiring. I believe it's a mixture of demonic activity with my obsessive compulsive disorder. But sometimes I wonder if I am saved, because it just feels too much like I am the one doing everything, and not just my mind. I see so many Christians who seem so content with their circumstances. They're always joyful, even in the bad situations. I want to be like them, and to know Christ the way they do, and I just...feel so out of place compared to them.
And another thing. Although I know that we are saved not by good works or self-righteousness, but by repentance and faith in Jesus Christ, what does that really mean? I understand everything, and I know we can do nothing to save ourselves. But sometimes I feel frustrated because I know that we cannot save ourselves, and it seems like God is going to condemn me to Hell. What does it mean to put your faith in Jesus? What does it mean to trust Him? I thought I knew already, but this question is just in case I don't.
Thank you to all who respond.
I've been putting on a "strong face" online, but the truth is, I am fighting a battle lately with whether or not I am truly saved. God seems so distant, and even though I started out having the joy of salvation when I "was saved," I am now starting to just...slip away. I'm getting angrier at God lately, I've been blaming Him, accusing Him in my mind (which I realize is an attribute of Satan himself, to my shame), and feeling like I'm just not close to Him.
Problem #1: Everything I do for Him that is an inconvenience to me is burdensome. For instance, I enjoy going to church because I love hearing the word of God, and I love doing Bible studies -- but as soon as you mention doing a Bible study to me while I'm busy doing something fun, such as spending time on a fun forum website (which I've been doing lately), then I will quickly say, "No thanks. Not right now." Anything that "inconveniences" me is a burden, and it bothers me because Jesus Himself said that we must take up our cross daily and follow Him. Jesus also prayed, in the garden of Gethsemane, that God's will might be done, despite the fact that He knew what was coming. Yet I can't even give up a forum site to do a Bible study? Aren't His commandments not supposed to be burdensome?
Problem #2: Many of the things I do seem to be because "I don't want to go to Hell." Instead of doing things out of a pure love for God, and out of just wanting to serve Him from the joy of being saved, lately I've been doing everything out of fear of Hell.
Problem #3: I have become entangled in legalism. a) I got rid of all of my instrumental dance music (no lyrics, no evil content, just instruments) and all of my Christian music (except for the "hymns" and soft-sounding ones because the other songs weren't "Christian" enough); b) I completely destroyed an innocent and very expensive program that my father bought for me to help me create/produce music (which he doesn't know about); c) My supposed convictions tell me that I am not allowed to watch sermons online in video format -- only in audio format -- because it's a sin to do anything "unnecessary"; d) I feel like I am not allowed to take vitamins for my hair to grow, because anything that is done for you yourself is a sin; among others.
It's tiring. I believe it's a mixture of demonic activity with my obsessive compulsive disorder. But sometimes I wonder if I am saved, because it just feels too much like I am the one doing everything, and not just my mind. I see so many Christians who seem so content with their circumstances. They're always joyful, even in the bad situations. I want to be like them, and to know Christ the way they do, and I just...feel so out of place compared to them.
And another thing. Although I know that we are saved not by good works or self-righteousness, but by repentance and faith in Jesus Christ, what does that really mean? I understand everything, and I know we can do nothing to save ourselves. But sometimes I feel frustrated because I know that we cannot save ourselves, and it seems like God is going to condemn me to Hell. What does it mean to put your faith in Jesus? What does it mean to trust Him? I thought I knew already, but this question is just in case I don't.
Thank you to all who respond.
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