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How to deal with freeloaders

Discussion in 'Counseling' started by Lanolin, May 3, 2017.

  1. We do share carpooling but thats not really the issue, its because she latches on to me when im busy with other things..she has no boundaries like the annoying cat wanting attention, jumping up on the table, when shes not supposed to.

    I already have a cat...also she isnt my only friend but when she wants something she cant let well enough alone until she has it. This rubs me the wrong way. I cant fufill all her needs. She is an adult, but still acts like a child.

    I know when I used to behave that way when I was younger and thought I didnt need to grow up, but being born again means God helped me to grow and take responsibilty..it seems like she never has.

    I had a mother who gave me mixed messages growing up, on one hand she wanted to keep me as a baby and on the other hand she couldnt wait to be rid of me. I think in her case, because she got so much attention being in the hospital due to a car accident when younger she milked it for all its worth. When you are coddled for being infirm all your life its seems like everything is about you. But she wont go to God first, thats the trouble. She will often say I prayed about this or that but only AFTER shes already made up her mind to go her own way.

    Its odd and I dont know how to handle it. She wont spend a cent on herself which is weird because that means to her mind she saves money...but it also means she relies on other people to pay for her. I thinking spending anything on herself she cant bring herself to do even when she has the money. She makes it appear that shes poor but shes not!
     
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  2. .

    Its kind of weird to feel like you need to disciple someone older than you. Its not like im the most shining example but I do get the sense shes very immature in her faith.

    My role model has to be Jesus and yes I do have elders I look to for prayer and advice. I thought she would be going to her pastor or elders in her church for prayer and advice but she seems to dump a lot of burdens on everyone else who dont need it.
     
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  3. The other lady in my group says shes not my responisbility and several say shes a big girl now she can do it and not to worry about it. She once asked me if I would do her washing and meals for her. I couldnt believe it. I dont even have my own kitchen and laundry and im not a meals on wheels volunteer. She thought i had all the time in the world?!

    She does have a way of wheedling others to do things.
     
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  4. Im sorry its sounds like am complainig but I should be praying God gives her growth and keeps mending where shes been broken..helps her in those areas of her life and shows her Hes the one strong enough to carry her burden not other people.
     
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  5. My cats can be similar in behavour. My oldest would wake me before sunrise looking for attention. The moment my youngest cat realizes I am awake, she climbs onto my chest also looking for attention purring away. Been there many times. Regardless of how much they may annoy me, they are still my Little Buddy and Little Sweetie.

    I am sure the Good Lord could mend many problems with the wave of his hand, but he also chooses to work through us as well as for us. Why some situations never seem to improve is beyond me, but we can choose not to play. Therefore, what works for us in one situation can work against in another. In my case, I tend to have the luck of an outhouse rat. And, I don't need help getting into trouble as I can do that very well all by myself.

    The first three verses of 1 Tim 5 give a guideline on dealing with elders, both in age and status. When diplomatic measures fail, the alternative is either abandonment or war with neither being a desirable result. As much as you can, treat others with dignity because what goes around may come around, and could be a lot worse. Some times our pride causes us to dig our heels in to remain fast regardless of the cost. It's a good thing when you're in the right, not so much if you're in the wrong.

    Don't worry about complaining as I have been yelled at by bigger and meaner people. You won't hurt my feelings. However, I appreciate not wanting to air dirty laundry nor making mountains out of mole hills. I appreciate frustration because of things not working as we feel they should. My pastor has begun a series of sermons dealing with F words: faith, family, frustration, friction, etc. In part due to work, I haven't been able to hear them personally. She emails a copy of her sermon to those unable to attend.

    Keep the faith, keep a sense of humour, and enjoy the day. Phil 4:8
     
  6. I have to be careful with freeloaders who talk you into things you aren't prepared to do.
    A church elder was honest with me and said they were bludgers (this is the kiwi term for them) so I just got to be clear, and If I don't want to take someone somewhere I can just say I've changed plans.

    I'm sure so many people have become 'friends' with me because they want a free ride. Tip - if you want lots of friends, buy a car. I'm get the feeling if my car broke down and I couldn't go anywhere some of them wouldn't stick around... I'm the driver and if someone is trying to backseat passenger drive they have enough brains to learn how to drive themselves and save up to buy their own car!
     
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  8. You don't even need to say you've changed plans. If it's not convenient for you and you sense that they are taking advantage of you, say 'that's not convenient for me.' No need to explain, excuse yourself or apologise. Friends will stick by you and the bludgers will fall away.
     
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    Lanolin likes this.
  9. Aye, cats are not the same as people. But, they can have attitudes and when was the last time your cat offered to get a job within their abilities to help offset their expenses? In my case, they are pets and I expect nothing in return other than my caring for and cleaning up for them. While the former is desirable, the latter is reality.

    Paul was not shy about working and/or keeping busy. He did not take kindly to the lazy or selfish. As such, he preferred to instill in his followers a work ethic which reflected a desire to be productive and earn their way rather than stand on a street corner begging for donations.

    Hekuran is basically on target. You do not need to disown them, but they can be controlled by playing to a different set of rules. There is nothing wrong with helping people when they need it and I believe you are of the same opinion. As you have said, you have wheels which makes getting around more convenient. But, they should be willing to chip in for fuel as that would show gratitude and a willingness to help you in return. I think that is at the core of Paul's sermon. If you are paying all the expenses without help, you may need to rethink your strategy. You can continue as is out of kindness and there is nothing wrong with it. But, something must change if you feel your friends can do more to help. You could suggest that while you don't mind doing their errands, can they help pay for fuel to offset traveling costs? I will leave it with you to decide on the matter. It isn't "us versus them", but achieving a satisfactory "win-win". As always, seek and let the will of God decide your course of action.
     
  10. A person is not a pet! I dont own people!

    I do mind doing peoples errands, thats the point. Her errands in particular are pointless when she could have easily done them herself! I have said to mum if you want to go anywhere far away can you pay petrol and she wont. I said if you want to go shopping, drive my car and she wont. So i stopped driving her around every single week. She now resents me, but I can do my own things now including growing food for the table. She ised to keep asking me to go to the market on sunday when I go to church. Im like no, get a ride with uncle whos going as well. Yet when I take her on a saturday she complains. Everything has to be her way.

    Also anytime i offer to go out to eat, she automatically says you pay. My mum has this weird double standard where im meant to pay bills and she doesnt pay anything. She also gets pension and works at the same time, she owns another house and I own nothing, and she gets me to collect the rent if im home. I have no idea what she does with the money as never see her buy anything, even groceries she still gets money off dad.
    My mum basically wants to bludge off me and dad and her tenants! Mum can have free public transport, I dont. But she gets a ride with a workmate, when the workmate was off work she asked me to pick her up. I only did a few times but she got sulky if I didnt do it everyday. Thankfully it was only at the train starion not all the way across town but she could have walked. She used to want me to pick her up all the way across town. Didnt pay a cent of gas money and i had to fight traffic to get there, a car did back into me at the factory carpark and nearly smashed up my bumper.

    The other friend rang me up last night wanting a ride but i dont see why she wants to get a ride with me when it will take her half an hour extra to go to my house than going straight to the meeting, so i said I would meet her there, and iM not going straight home afterwards. So i hope she doesnt ask again. She uses that opportunity to then ask all these other favours so i decided am not doing that anymore. We did take turns when she lived nearer me but its that she would then try and dump a load of stuff on me. She was basically using me as her recycling depot! Ok im a greenie like the everyone else who is eco concious but i am not a dump.

    Another classmate who am carpooling with we take turns, which is how it should be, because our class is across town and all day there is limited parking and we both live near each other.
     
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  11. i mean parents can treat you like a maid if they want can they? Even though im meant to be a daughter, not her maid. But friends shouldnt.

    Sons never get abused as much as daughters do.
     
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  12. one of the elderly ladies we offered to take her out plant shopping since she does a lot of gardening said she doesnt drive cos shes was an awful driver, and few people are honest or humble enough to admit that my workmate said.


    She didnt say she gave up driving cos she was getting too old.

    Ive been in customer service pretty much most my working life and know the difference between a request and a demand. I think what happens is people can treat you like a slave or they can treat you like a servant.

    But friends shouldnt treat you like either. Jesus showed that a master And servant relationship was not how God relates to us when we are in his family. We are called to be his friends just like Moses. Friends know what each other is doing in a way that servants dont. The tricky thing is those appearing to be friendly but are really just using others.
     
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  13. Thank you herkuran.

    I have been doing that with some people but for some reason this particular freeloader will keep asking and asking, shes not even a widow. If something is not convenient for me, she was ask again something else.
     
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  14. Its ok God sorted something...she was recovering from a cold so its best i didnt share a ride with her...I just really need to handle it better. I hope God works in us both I really dont like it when I feel like being taken advantage of. Been down that road before.
     
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  15. I hope this will end soon because she used someone else to do her typing for her. Then she got him to send it to me and it was unreadable.
    So I just said to the other person dont go to anymore trouble, ask her to do it herself and buy her own computer. Or use the libraries. It seems that person, like the freeloader is such a cheapskate that the computer they have is ten years out of date.

    Anyway, it cant be published anyway, so she kind of wasted her time and mine, but i feel sorry for her friend who got roped into doing it. I can just picture her hovering over this poor guy telling him what to type. It was all her idea, so, it doesnt matter in the end but it does make me think she's in a busybody category. Maybe he will wake up to the fact she is using him...cos them he had to ask the lady she was staying with to save the document.

    If you serious about being a writer, type your own writing!!
     
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  16. People that cannot drive or cannot use a computer either need to learn how to do both or just accept they cannot use these machines and tools and find other means to get around or do tasks that do not involve using other people to do it for them. Free public transport and free public computers are already provided for people.

    Is all I can say. It would be like me going to bug someone to borrow books from someone elses library all the time when I could just borrow them free from a public library.
     
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  17. Moral of the story go to God first who has already provided everything we need before you go bug someone else.
     
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  18. ROFL! :)
    Thank-you for the laugh & smile.
    I needed it this morning!
     
  19. Was talking on phone with person in question just after posting in here.

    She said her friend that did the typing was in a bad mood. I can think of why! I just dont like the way she treats him but unfortunately she has a blind spot in that regard.

    She does claim disability but..unlike many disabled people, who make a go of things even if it takes them a little longer, she has learned to rely on others, and doesnt necessarily ask them if they have the time but kind of assumes or presumes they do.

    Its very hard to talk to someone who self justifies everything.
     
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  20. Heres the thing basically she says she cant sit at a computer and has to have it on her bed and its a hassle switching on the power...

    ?! (she was in an accident that blew out her hips and knees so that she had to have an operation, but this is her excuse for everything that she cant do).

    For a 500 word article, she cant type it herself? I can understand a book maybe you dont want to do that all at once, but..cant see why this would be such a problem that someone else has to type it for her.

    She does have a laptop. Her own one. And if you dont hook it up it can run on battery so...yea I dont get it. She just says her friend doesnt have much to do which is why she gives him stuff to do...but I just dont like the way she treats him. He probably does has things to do that dont include doing her things she just doesnt see it that way.

    He does things out of love or being polite and she takes advantage of that. Something is really going on with those two, ?! Hes kind of deaf she claims and not up to much, but...she thinks by giving him stuff to do shes helping him? Then he makes a hash of it and doesnt care because its actually not his work.

    If only she could drop the imperious attitude, but...I think the ship has sailed. Lord please sort this out.
     
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