Husband w/ immoral issues

[kaikeline]

I am in need of advice. I am also praying for answers and continue to read the word daily. Okay, I got married 3 years ago. The person I married was not into pornography, actually he knew how much I hated it and he agreed with me, he even told me women who dress in revealing ways disgusted him. He was very kind and generous and loved his family, my family, me, lol. I was very much under the impression that we had the same morals. However, within a week after marriage a lot changed. It was very hard for me for a long time. My family stopped talking to me, my friends deserted me, none can stand him or wanted to get involved, I had no one, but God, which He is enough believe me. Anyway, a year ago is when I started getting more serious with God, it wasn’t that I was intentionally not devoting my life to Him, it was b/c I didn’t really know how or know the importance in it, but a year ago I found some great teachers who have guided me in a great direction. I started reading the bible and studying it daily, each and every day I’d get stronger, I’d become healthier mentally, etc. etc. Things were actually doing pretty well, my husband started changing some, not that I was praying for him too, but I was praying for God to help my marriage, and again I was changing and was getting more of a healthy backbone, and he got much nicer towards me, was making initiative, less controlling, I started to be able to see my family more, etc. However, now for the past 6 months he has become addicted to pornography, in particular web cam sites where you can watch ordinary people have sex, and he has been trying to get me to have a 3 some with another female for 6 months, he won’t let it go. He has joined swinger sites, etc. He talks about other women all the time in front of our friends and in front of me, people even notice it and ask me if he “always shoves other women in my face.” He flirts with other women in front of me too, it’s so humiliating. He refused to wear his wedding band 3 months after marriage and he still won’t wear it, so that doesn’t help. He likes to make it a point in front of everyone that he doesn’t care what I think and he does what he wants, he boasts constantly about that. He recently told me that the next woman he is going to be with is going to be one that is in to all that stuff b/c I'm a prude. I don’t even know who I am with anymore. I am not unattractive nor do I refuse or not like sex, but he doesn’t desire for me, he wants nothing to do with me. Every attempt I try to make for us to do anything together, he turns it down. He spends all our money on himself and things he wants, he never does anything with me, his friends even ask him why he doesn't include and he loves to tell them why, I slow him down or its less fun or whatever else, he just has no interest in me. And he hates the fact that I read the bible and I’ve become so close to God and he puts up huge fights when I try to go to church. Every day I grow more and more disgusted with his behavior, and I’m heart broken by it. He says I'm crazy. I know I’ve changed b/c I’ve read the bible, every day I know more how it’s changed me, who I was even before marriage, is not who I am now. And I am very aware of everything it says about marriage, trust me I’ve studied it, so I am not looking for excuses to change the word and divorce him. However, I am repulsed by this person I married and I don’t know what that means or why I can’t separate these feelings so I don’t feel disgusted by him. And yes often I do wrongly think about just leaving him. I don’t know what to do with all these feelings of disgust. I still treat my husband with respect and I do not harm him with my words or anything else. I know how I am to treat people regardless of what they do to me and I gladly follow that command. I ask him not to gamble our savings away, I ask him not to go to strip clubs or look at those websites, but he doesn’t care that I care and he does it anyway. I guess I want to understand want it is I’m in this situation for b/c the more I get closer to god, the worse and more immoral my husband gets, what am I to do? If I have to live this way forever for God, I will, but it hurts. I’m not going to lie that it hurts. And last night he was hitting on a group of cheerleaders right in front of me and then we get home and he says he's is taking a job in california and he isn't asking me he is telling me so he is going with or without me. I had no idea about california, he never ever mentioned it before. And I know in 1 Peter where it says that a woman can change her husband who doesn’t believe by her actions and following God, but I just feel like the closer I become to God, the more he hates me.
Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this. Sorry, it's so long.

 

[PernellRodocker]

I am in need of advice. Sorry, it's so long.[/SIZE]

WoW! That was alot. We never understand what we go through until we go through it. I must say that there was a prophet that was told by God to marry a prostitute. He did. There is also a place where the Bible says we will win them with our silence. I would suggest continue your walk with God in your home. My suggestion is if your husband does not "hit" or abuse you physically then stick around and see what God does. In the matter of California... If the two of you have not discussed it then maybe when the time comes you should let him know that you were not involved in the process and that you wish not to go. Then if he makes a statement about divorce then let him go. But as I said in an earlier post... wait on God because God has nothing but time on His hands. As far as your burdens... may those of us here share in it.
PR

 

[ArmyWife08]

I wish I had the right words to say but I don't. I will just be praying for you

 

[Property Of God]

I'm very sorry! Men are called to be our leaders and LEAD us. Jesus actually said that unless your spouse is cheating, you can't divorce, I think your husband IS cheating on you that way. Don't listen to those who say if you get a divorce they'll reject and hate you, even divorce in other cases than adultery, CAN be forgiven by Jesus.

It really depends on what you want to do, you can continue to pray for him, seek counseling, seek church help, or an elderly help, that's what the Bible tells us to do.

Please remember that Jesus loves you, and this will make you stronger and God is using it to your good!

 

[MelodyC]

1PE 3:1 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.

kaikeline,

I must correct you so that you do not remain in error. The passage in I Peter says "MAY be won over", NOT that your Unbelieving Husband "WILL be won over". There is a difference. Even God who is able to change people does not force Himself upon us but gives us choice to repent and accept His salvation or to live in rebellion.

Don't stay with your husband thinking it is your job to Save Him. You are not God or Jesus. You can only witness Christ to your husband but he is free to reject the Lord.

Your description of your husbands behaviour indicates he is being verbally and psychologically abusive. He may not be hitting you but psychological abuse is also very damaging to a person and can make them snap.

You don't have to bully some one with physically hitting them. Actually most bullying is done through verbal abuse.

From what you have described you can leave with a clear conscience because you are removing yourself from constant abuse.

Divorce is not ideal but God allowed it because mankind is sinful and there was a need for it on occassion.

I can't make the decision for you but I would say that if you moved to California you will be alone and who knows if your husband may step up his abuse from verbal to physical?

It took years for my father to go from verbal abuser to physical. My mother tells us my father never hit her before we saw and recalled him hitting her in our early teens. However, our father did finally move from verbal to physical abuse with her.

I'm not a counsellor. I just know what I saw with my parents. We (the kids) had nagged my mother for a number of years when we were older teens for her to leave my Dad and fortunately she finally did after he put her in hospital for the third time.

I know my advice is biased. I personally wouldn't stick around if my husband had acted like that towards me. I would rather remain single and celibate for the rest of my life than remain married to someone who abused me and tried to bully me into sinful sexual relationships.

I cannot make your decision for you. However you are not your husbands personal Saviour. Jesus is.

You are being abused verbally. His behaviour towards you and what he says to you is to intimidate you like a bully. To try to manipulate you into doing what he wants. I can see you have up to now stood up to him. Can you keep doing that if you move to California with him?

I will leave it there. I am praying for you and for the Lord to give you clear guidance as you work out what you should do.

 

[PernellRodocker]

IS cheating on you that way. CAN be forgiven by Jesus.
QUOTE]

In an effort to not hurt feelings... (were not supposed to follow feelings) Sounds like the church of "make your own way" is telling others that you can do what you want and just have Jesus forgive you later... As far as the cheating issue, we are all "cheating" on God... and if I remember somewhere that all sin is sin no matter how we determine what is large or small. It is still sin! Sounds to me like someone else really needs some kind of counseling and has been previously hurt by someone else... I had someone in my life before that had relationship issues and they left me... so its not all "men" and their faults!
So I will use the church of "tell it like it is even if it hurts and tell 'em you said it in love"...
PR

 

[happyharold4]

As you are drawing closer to the Lord, I'm sure that it is apparent that your light, (His light in you), is shining brighter all the time and exposing more and more of the darkness in him---It's warfare in spiritual places---The forces of darkness that seemingly are controlling him are trying to destroy your faith through him---They are in a rage over the fact that you are not caving and are persistently growing in your faith---Hang in there as it sounds like you are doing a great job with it-----------If he says he's going to go to Ca. without you----Then as soon as you see his car going down the street, give a huge Thank You Jesus and Praise The Lord----But do keep praying for his spiritual deliverance and salvation----Keep up the good work, I feel the Lord is very pleased with you.

Happy

 

[PernellRodocker]

I know my advice is biased. I personally wouldn't stick around if my husband had acted like that towards me.

I have been married for 28 years. If I had left my wife simply because she was abusive and cussed like a trucker or threw things at me and broke precious memories I think that would demean our relationship. After 20 years she let me know that the children were worth more to her than I ever was and when she told me she could have me replaced and that I was only around for driving the kids I left for a few months and sought God. I went to church about 5 days a week. My wife has been verbally abusive and at times even physically. But the abusive wife is never talked about! I came back after 2 months because God told me that He died for a relationship with me... so I said I would die to have a relationship with my wife the way God wants one with me... Oh, poor woman... what about the poor men? God even takes all the garbage that we can throw at Him and He still loves us! I think that people are mamby pamby and just wont stand up for a comittment to a relationship that is what God has set forth as an example in how much He loves us. If our "thread starter" could understand how much God loves her and all of you "hurt" women out there could get over your hurt feelings and realize that it was the woman that first hurt man but the man took all the trash that the woman threw at him and he even gave up his relationship with God to be with the woman maybe then people would stop being such babies when they get thier feelings hurt and become with a back bone and be examples of God for others and then their relationships would reflect a no nonsense love and compasion and forgiveness that God wants us all to experience and show others... aaaarrrggggghhhhh.....
PR

 

[PernellRodocker]

Happy Happy Joy Joy

As you are drawing closer to the Lord, I'm sure that it is apparent that your light, (His light in you), is shining brighter all the time and exposing more and more of the darkness in him---It's warfare in spiritual places---The forces of darkness that seemingly are controlling him are trying to destroy your faith through him---They are in a rage over the fact that you are not caving and are persistently growing in your faith---Hang in there as it sounds like you are doing a great job with it-----------If he says he's going to go to Ca. without you----Then as soon as you see his car going down the street, give a huge Thank You Jesus and Praise The Lord----But do keep praying for his spiritual deliverance and salvation----Keep up the good work, I feel the Lord is very pleased with you.

Happy

Thank you for keeping it real and maybe someday I too could reflect such wisdom and not namecalling.... PR

 

[PernellRodocker]

Disclaimer

Thank you for keeping it real and maybe someday I too could reflect such wisdom and not namecalling.... PR

I have never been popular with my wife's family. I always told it like it was. I was not raised in the "soap opera" should I tell or harbor it forever stuff. I have always loved my wife and she has always been precious to me. No matter what she could say or do or how much she tried or didn't try to hurt me, I still loved her and still do. I love her when she curses me and I love her when she threatens to harm herself or even end her life. To my wife I try to be like God is to me... Loving, forgiving, compasionate... no matter how much wrong she can do to me I still love her and I will always be there for her until death us do part. I don't and wont apologize for trying to be like God... Jesus said if you have seem him you have seen the father. We are told to be like Jesus, thus be like God. I am not God nor do I pretend to be... but, my opinions are based on scripture...

So here is a chalenge: Do what God would do and be like God!
PR

 

[kaikeline]

Happyharold4, thank you for response and kind words. You brought me some clarity in understanding what's going on as to why the closer and better I became, the more challenging my life becomes. You gave me comfort in that I must be doing something right for the enemy to be attacking me so much. Thank you for taking time to respond.

MelodyC, thank you for clarifying that bible verse to me. I do see your point. I am not generally the type that wants to change people nor ever went into this marriage thinking I needed to change him, but I guess as the evils started to unfold I realized what kind of mess I got myself into and I focused a lot on myself that needed changing, but I also know where he needs change to. But as you said it's his choice. I have thought about his abuse escalading to, he has grabbed me so hard he left bruises all around my arm, but I told him if he ever touched me like that again he better kill me or else i'm coming back at him with something bigger then he is, haha. I don't tend to talk that way so I think he took me pretty serious, and truthfully, I was serious. I used to want children and before we were married he did too, but of course the second we got married he loved throwing it in my face that he'd never want children, and he still does it, but now I am okay with it and dont' want children with him anyway and I have let go of that desire. So, thankfully no little ones will be brought up into our mess. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

Property Of God, I do agree with you on the cheating part, i've just never said it to myself. I really am just still embarrassed I'm even in this position. I am seeing where God is using it for my good though, and I have to say that part of it really is what brings me joy, he's the only reason I want to wake up anymore. Thank you for your response.

Armywife08, thank you for your prayers, I appreciate it! )

PernellRodocker, I am very aware that women can be abusive too and I am very sorry for the abuse you have experienced. I in no way am saying "oh poor me, poor women, all women are abused, yada yada." Trust me, I know I was very sensitive before and I needed toughening up, God has worked extensively with me on that area. I do see where there are lots of people who play victim their whole life, and use their sensitivity as a crutch, never thinking about how they need to get stronger and stop letting so much affect them. What makes it hard is when you know how hard you work not to hurt someone else, but then then you watch them try to destroy you with a smile on their face. They enjoy your pain, enjoy seeing you suffer. It's the arrogance that gets me. I am almost done reading the new testament and it talks a lot about evil people and their arrogance, and children of god will live righeously, but children of the devil will continue to sin and that's how we are to know the difference. At times I feel i'm sleeping next to the devil, and is this what I'm suppose to do? I know my role, I know my place, I know that I am to do what's right regardless and trust God that He knows what he is doing, but I am disgusted with a lot of things. We can't even watch TV without 3somes being on the tv program or a movie, I am like goodnight, the devil is really trying to destroy me b/c my husband just looks at me says "see!!!! everyone is doing it!!!!" urrrggg DISGUSTING!!!!!!! he even pulled up a phony christian website talking about how it's okay in a christian marriage and it draws out rules and guidelines your to follow to make it okay under God. He threw that in my face like ha see you read that book, but you don't even know what you're talking about. I AM OVER IT!!!!!!!! I hate this world! It burns inside me.

 

[Jacob123]

And last night he was hitting on a group of cheerleaders right in front of me and then we get home and he says he's is taking a job in california and he isn't asking me he is telling me so he is going with or without me. I had no idea about california, he never ever mentioned it before.

I would say when he heads off to California, don't hang on to him, let him go. From what you said, you seem to have been a shining light in his life, yet he refuses to accept Christ and still lives in his ways. When he departs without you, pray for him to find Christ, everyday. When he is Cali, possibly something life changing will happen that may lead him to Christ. We never know, the Lord works in mysterious ways.

This is just my opinion of this situation, in the end it is your decision God bless!

 

[PernellRodocker]

Most of what I said wasnt for you. I apologize if I made you feel bad. I ask you to forgive me. No one deserves to be treated the way you have and if I was related I would smack the sin right out of him. You and I arn't to different from eachother... we both know the pain of loving someone with all our heart and then to be trampled and made to feel it is our fault. I'm not saying that I didnt have anything to do with it but I mostly love and love until wronged and then I can get nasty too. Please... God promised that he would not give us more than we can handle. And if you do decide that being with out him is better for you then please do so... I can see by the way you answered all of us that God has gotten a good firm hold on your heart. In the old testament there were 3 children of God that would not bow down to the king and do what he said. They were thrown into a furnace that was hotter than a cremation furnace. The king saw 4 in the fire. Anyone that got near the doors of the furnace burned up to a crisp. The 3 boys came out of the fire with not a hair singed and not a smell of smoke on them and their clothes were not touched. Jesus was with them... I would say don't bow to your husband and keep strong in the Lord because he is with you and will protect you from any fire, hell, or devil that he can throw at you... and in the end if he doesn't change then he will answer to God one way or another. You will become strong and you will be blessed by God greater than you will ever imagine.
Here is a song based on scripture:
Fear not for I have redeamed thee I have called thee by thy name thou art mine. When thou passesed through the water I will be with thee and through the river it shall not over flow thee and when thou passesed through the fire you shall not be burned and neither shall the flame kindle upon thee... for I am the Lord thy God...

Before the fights and wars God sent the praise and dance team first... So sing and dance and praise the Lord. Do that in the morning where you can be heard. You will either drive your husband away or soften him up. We plant seeds of hope and God waters them...
I really am praying for you and that God will send people of faith into your husbands life... You must be willing to accept that what ever it takes for God to move in your husbands life could be anything up to and including almost death... sometimes we must see that there is no way out before God can move in our hearts... When you start on the Old testament try not to get bored... There is so much in the old testament and it even helped to clairify the new testament for me...
Be strong in God...
PR

 

[kaikeline]

Jacob123, thank you for responding! I agree that not going with him is best. I feel that he doesn't want me to go to begin with and if I went I'm pretty sure he'd ditch me, or ditch me before he moves. Depends on how nice he feels that day. I will continue to pray for him, as you said, I hope he does find Christ one day.

PernellRodocker, I meant to thank you too earlier for your responses, I got side tracked in my original response and got off the computer before remembering to thank you too, so sorry for that. I didn't take anything you said offensively, so no need to apologize. Thank you for sharing the biblical story and the song. When you said to start singing praises in the morning, a light bulb went off. That's a good idea whether he is in my life or not. And my husband doesn't like much about me, but one thing he atleast listens to is when I sing. Thank you for the suggestion. Your energy on holding on and working it out is awesome, but even if I wanted to hold on, I'm pretty sure he has plans to leave me b/c I won't do what he wants me to. And he told me cali is less conservative and the women are hotter, so I know he has plans to find him a girl there, which I'm sure she will be very beautiful. Anyway, I really like Paul's take on things in regards to marriage vs. living a celibate life, I think that road is more for me. Again thanks for taking the time to respond!

Thank you again for all of yalls responses.

 

[happyharold4]

1Cor 7:15----"But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: But God hath called us to peace."--------------------------Continue to hold your ground in regard to the perversions mentioned and don't give an inch----"Resist the devil and he shall flee from you"-----Remember it's spiritual, and you will have the victory---When you pray don't try to have discourse with the evil one----Rather say " The Lord rebuke you" in Jesus name----It's hard enough to sleep next to your partner after having just an argument, never mind what you are dealing with----You are going to come out of this strong, refreshed and a wonderful woman of God.

Happy

 

[kaikeline]

Thank you Happy! )

 

[Jacob123]

1Cor 7:15----"But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: But God hath called us to peace.

Happy posted the perfect verse for your situation.

 

[kaikeline]

Yes I agree that he did, it does bring me comfort in letting go.

 

[tranquility]

Oh My

I don't know how much patience you have
but it sounds to me you have a whole lot more than i ever would.

Im so sorry for your situation.

I believe you husband has crossed the line
people who get into porn i find usually sink to the bottom of the cist pool

they just get deeper and deeper
Don't get me wrong I believe

God can change a heart as black as coal and make it white as snow

But have you ever considered what diseases your husband may have
if he acts on these thoughts he has
I would not have stayed with a man who treats me this way
(flirting with other women)
but that's just me

Some women have a lot more patience in situations like this.

I will say a prayer for you.

 

[Christ4Ever]

Dear Sister in Christ,
I've seen two examples of marriages that were lived by women in my life who were dear to me, and still are. They've gone home to be with the Lord, yet their examples of faith, continue to move me whenever I hear a story like yours! One was my mother and the other my mother-in-law. Each of them was women of God! Sadly, their husbands were not. Each suffered years because of this. These men were into womanizing, drinking, and staying out and away from home that had wives and children. They left little if any money for food or to take care of the bills. It didn't seem to matter to them. The flesh was enticing and they were willing to do whatever was necessary to satisfy their lusts. They embraced this sinful life to the fullest. God had no part of their lives except what they saw through their respective wives. The pain they caused these women did not matter to them. These women endured through unspeakable things, showed what true women of God they were and still are! Heroines! Women of faith! They showed that being Godly women is not an easy task, as you’re coming to find out. Throughout scripture women such as these had to step up when the men wouldn’t. You are one of these! For all extensive purposes the men have and the same in your case abandoned their responsibilities as husbands. Always remember, they lack what you have on your side. The Holy Spirit to guide, comfort you, and the one mediator that can make your case heard through your petitions which is Christ Jesus. Realize that you have brothers and sisters here who will add their prayers with your, for a resolution which will be in line to Gods desire for you and those you hold dear. We’re here little sister to offer what comfort we can, carry your burdens if we can, and especially to add our prayers that can and will be heard by Him whose will be done for you and through you. In the name of Christ Jesus Amen! Continue to stay faithful, and know that you are not alone. You wonder what happened to the men? Well, one husband changed and accepted the Lord as his savior and changed as only God can make happen. The other? He left and never returned. Yet if you had asked each of these women if this is what they wanted. I don’t think they could have answered you. All they knew was that if they were to survive, they had to place their trust in God. They did and God saw them through it. Women of faith, the same as you are. Continue to grow in His Word. Keep praising and glorifying His Name. Sing to him even through all the tears and pain! Remember what our Lord said on the cross. Luke 23:34 “Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do…” For your husband really doesn’t know who he’s turning away from. It’s not only you he’s trying to drive away and corrupt, but God as well. Matthew 21:22 “And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.” Keep praying little sister and so will we. YBIC