First welcome to Talk Jesus
@Anonymeanne,
I hope you will find what you are seeking here at Talk Jesus this online community of Christian believers!
As far as what you believe you have done, it really requires understanding. So, with that being said. You really need to define what not just you believe it is, but what Scripture, and the Holy Spirit guides you to understand (Since it is about Him isn't it) what exactly is "Blasphemy against the Holy Spirit" as shown here in these verses:
Mat 12:31 KJV -
Wherefore I say unto you, All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy [against] the [Holy] Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men.
Mat 12:32 KJV -
And whosoever speaketh a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the [world] to come.
Mar 3:28 KJV -
Verily I say unto you, All sins shall be forgiven unto the sons of men, and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme:
Mar 3:29 KJV -
But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation:
Mar 3:30 KJV -
Because they said, He hath an unclean spirit.
Luk 12:8 KJV -
Also I say unto you, Whosoever shall confess me before men, him shall the Son of man also confess before the angels of God:
Luk 12:9 KJV -
But he that denieth me before men shall be denied before the angels of God.
Luk 12:10 KJV -
And whosoever shall speak a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but unto him that blasphemeth against the Holy Ghost it shall not be forgiven.
Here's a quick look at what some believe it to be. Some say that it refers to the attributing the miracles of Jesus by the Holy Spirit to Satan. While others believe it to mean that Jesus Christ is actually demon possessed. In other words, denying the power of God.
You must realize that we as believers are all in the process of growing closer to/in Christ. A lot of times the believer does things that they shouldn't, and some things that they really, really, know they shouldn't. It is in these time that the Adversary/Satan, has a go at them/us! Understanding that he has no love for us, and will do whatever he can to drive us away from our Loving Father. These are the times that this subject seems to arise the most in the believers. You have to understand that Jesus when speaking of this was not speaking to those who believed Him to the Son of God, the Christ. So, they were associating what He did to Satan, and taking away the Glory that should have been given to God, to the Adversary instead. Not a good thing to do.
Also, keep in mind that because it appears you are convicted of some of your actions, that you are concerned with having done the unpardonable sin. You have to realize that the conviction you feel comes from the Holy Spirit! Not that you've done the unpardonable sin, but rather that you are doing things in your life that are leading you down a path, that is not of God! That is why you need to reevaluate the life you are leading. Is it, drawing you closer or further away from God?
It is in these times, that we need to redouble our efforts in doing the things that our Father who is in Heaven approves of, and the things like, praying, reading the Bible, going to church, fellowshipping, etc. that will help us to walk in the path God has set before us.
I could go on, but I think this and what others have said here, should I pray have given you enough of an understanding, and help in what you should do.
Once again, be welcome, and I hope you will continue to visit us here! For in Christ Jesus we are Brothers & Sisters.
With the Love of Christ Jesus.
YBIC
Nick
\o/
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