Over the past week or so i was praying, and thinking, but lately i hardly pray and feel really distant from God. I've realised that i was abused as a child - i can remember clearly verbal, emotional and threats, but i'm now fairly clear there was some sexual but i've blanked out what actually happened. I can just remember my thoughts about it afterwards.
The thing is, i didn't realise this had happened until after i had a child and then, as i've posted before, i was ill on and off for 14 years with a diagnosis of psychotic depression. When i became a Christian a few years ago, the people who i was closest too taught on the importance of forgiveness. So i prayed to God and said please help me to forgive and i sent a present to the man, my step-father, i believed abused me and a card asking him to forgive me. However, he never acknowledged that he had abused me and at the time i was confused as to whether he had really or not. My mum told me that it was very common when having a 'breakdown' to make accusations of sexual abuse and basically i wasn't believed. Because i was hearing loud inner voices and very stressed and couldn't cope with life i thought it must be part of the illness.
Anyway, now things are a little clearer and basically i feel so mad. Ok, so it is right to forgive but what are you supposed to do with anger? Is it never ok to express it? I've messed up totally my life because this thing happened when i was little and i was so scared i was going to die or someone i was close to would die that i couldn't tell anyone. I've been running from it and now finally, aged 40, i can't run any more.
My husband who i am now separated from, left my son with this man, for a long time (weeks) cos noone believed me. My mum didn't believe me but she began to see that my son couldn't be left alone with my stepdad because my stepdad seemed to speak inappropriately aggressively towards him.
I believe something happened to my son but around the time i think he was trying to tell me, all this fear came on me and i'm ashamed to say that i had another breakdown and my son went to live with his dad while i spent a year in hospital.
Now finally, my son is fourteen and i have been out of hospital for some while. My stepdad never rings me although my mum brings him over to visit sometimes. We have been to their house to visit. The pretence has succeeded for quite a while until now i find myself questioning why i see them all over again. I do not want to be 'nice' to someone who does not seem to have a conscience. I want intimacy with my mum but i do not want intimacy with my stepdad - and its horrible that she includes him all the time when he hasn't acknowledged that he's done anything wrong and for all i know is capable of hurting someone else.
My son cannot remember the conversation with me where it seemed as if he needed to tell me something, but i am not surprised. He seems fine but i cannot forget what happened around the time he talked to me which was he wouldn't go to school, he trashed his room (he was about 8), he tried running away one night and other things.
I don't want what's happened to me to happen to my son - repressing stuff and then it getting triggered when you have your own children. I can't think of anything good that has come out of what's happened to me. Lately i've just wanted to die. I've wasted years drifting through life, avoiding situations, and now eating compulsively and sleeping whenever i can just to blot out the day. I have thought maybe i could help someone else but recently i spent some time with a friend's foster daughter, who has suffered terrible abuse (much worse i'm sure than mine) and i found that i couldn't really cope very well with setting boundaries with her.
I know that self-pity is not good and a lot of people have had much worse things happen but i don't know how to move on. I don't know how to be really genuine. I'm avoiding church lately because i just feel disconnected from what's going on. Also, when i went there i thought they had all the answers but they don't.
The thing is, i didn't realise this had happened until after i had a child and then, as i've posted before, i was ill on and off for 14 years with a diagnosis of psychotic depression. When i became a Christian a few years ago, the people who i was closest too taught on the importance of forgiveness. So i prayed to God and said please help me to forgive and i sent a present to the man, my step-father, i believed abused me and a card asking him to forgive me. However, he never acknowledged that he had abused me and at the time i was confused as to whether he had really or not. My mum told me that it was very common when having a 'breakdown' to make accusations of sexual abuse and basically i wasn't believed. Because i was hearing loud inner voices and very stressed and couldn't cope with life i thought it must be part of the illness.
Anyway, now things are a little clearer and basically i feel so mad. Ok, so it is right to forgive but what are you supposed to do with anger? Is it never ok to express it? I've messed up totally my life because this thing happened when i was little and i was so scared i was going to die or someone i was close to would die that i couldn't tell anyone. I've been running from it and now finally, aged 40, i can't run any more.
My husband who i am now separated from, left my son with this man, for a long time (weeks) cos noone believed me. My mum didn't believe me but she began to see that my son couldn't be left alone with my stepdad because my stepdad seemed to speak inappropriately aggressively towards him.
I believe something happened to my son but around the time i think he was trying to tell me, all this fear came on me and i'm ashamed to say that i had another breakdown and my son went to live with his dad while i spent a year in hospital.
Now finally, my son is fourteen and i have been out of hospital for some while. My stepdad never rings me although my mum brings him over to visit sometimes. We have been to their house to visit. The pretence has succeeded for quite a while until now i find myself questioning why i see them all over again. I do not want to be 'nice' to someone who does not seem to have a conscience. I want intimacy with my mum but i do not want intimacy with my stepdad - and its horrible that she includes him all the time when he hasn't acknowledged that he's done anything wrong and for all i know is capable of hurting someone else.
My son cannot remember the conversation with me where it seemed as if he needed to tell me something, but i am not surprised. He seems fine but i cannot forget what happened around the time he talked to me which was he wouldn't go to school, he trashed his room (he was about 8), he tried running away one night and other things.
I don't want what's happened to me to happen to my son - repressing stuff and then it getting triggered when you have your own children. I can't think of anything good that has come out of what's happened to me. Lately i've just wanted to die. I've wasted years drifting through life, avoiding situations, and now eating compulsively and sleeping whenever i can just to blot out the day. I have thought maybe i could help someone else but recently i spent some time with a friend's foster daughter, who has suffered terrible abuse (much worse i'm sure than mine) and i found that i couldn't really cope very well with setting boundaries with her.
I know that self-pity is not good and a lot of people have had much worse things happen but i don't know how to move on. I don't know how to be really genuine. I'm avoiding church lately because i just feel disconnected from what's going on. Also, when i went there i thought they had all the answers but they don't.
