I need help

[all4jesus17]

Ive known jesus christ my whole life, and I got fully saved and baptized in the holy spirit when i was 16. Ive always struggled with depression since i was a lil girl bcuz the devil tells me im ugly and worthless and he makes it seem so true, especially since the world is on his side. I was free from it when I got saved but it came back last year. I guess you can say its been a slow fade to how I got to where I am now. I started making myself throw up last year bcuz im overwieght, and I lost 30 pounds, but im still strugglying wth my body image. Then I started smoking ciggarettes again and I'm full out addicted. Then I started cussing and hanging with different ppl, and my whole family has seen the change in me, and its not for the good. I guess where im 18 now ive gotten the mindset that I can do what I want, and I can make myself happy with doing watever makes me happy, but the truth is, im not happy. I got these next door neighbors who I never really hung out with bcuz we were different and they smoke and drink. But I was curious about alcohol and weed so I've been trying it. I've smoked weed like 6 or 7 times now, and I like it. Ive changed sooo much in one year, but no matter how different i get I still feel out of place. I feel like I dont blend in with this world no matter how hard i try, and I know its because of the holy spirit living inside me. I'm so ashamed and so dont kno where or who I am anymore. Ive lost myself and everytime I try to go back to my first love, jesus, something pulls me back, and it seems like ill never get back to where I was. Please dont judge me or look at me wrong because I know the score, it just seems impossible. i could use some encouragement.

 

[Boanerges]

Hi Melanie! A lifetime journey in the wrong direction can be reversed with a single step in the right direction. God is willing and He is able so draw near to Him and He will draw near to you.
It is the most common tactic of the enemy of our soul to drive a wedge between us and our Father by interrupting our relationship with Him. He loves to get us looking at our own circumstances, our own strength, abilities and resources. He loves to heap condemnation on us making us feel unclean so we are ashamed to come into the presence of the only One who can really help us.
The answer is plain- Jesus died out of love for you and does not reject you. In him you have the ability and the birthright to come into the Father's presence without shame. In Him we are redeemed and He is in the midst of every single aspect of our lives working it all for the good. All we need do is fix our eyes and our hearts on Him and walk in an attitude of trust, He does all the rest.
It was never about how good we are but about how good He is.
He made you special to fulfill a special calling and purpose. To let Satan deceive you into shame about who you are is something that has to stop. Remember, every thought that comes your way is neither yours nor something that should be received. We are called to be renewed in our minds- we are to agree with the Word of God over all we think, see or perceive and walk only in the light of that truth. This is our place of victory and it is only when you come to that place that you will really see the beauty of who God created you to be.
Reject the lies, walk in His truth.
You are in my prayers,
your brother Larry.