It's been a long time since I've been on this site for a number of reasons. Over the past few years my wife of 30 years has had one major health issue after another and with Gods comfort and strength she always seemed to be on the road to recovery despite the ups and downs of cancer, heart surgeries and other major illnesses. This year however she began losing more battles than winning. There had been multiple surgeries followed by multiple lengthy hospitalizations, multiple Doctors visits as well as intensive care at home with visiting nurse and other health care workers. My life shifted from the role of a loving husband to one of around the clock health care worker, everything was centered around her daily needs.
During this time because of her limitations going to church became sporadic at best and eventually stopped as did hospital and home visits from our Pastor and others from the church as others took over my duties at the church, it's as if we were out of sight and out of mind. And to be honest I really wasn't bothered by this because taking care of my wife took everything I had, there was often nothing left at the end of the day for me but a few quick hours sleep and then start the routine of caring for her all over again, I was on autopilot.
There were times however when I did speak with God. Asking and begging to heal my wife and as much as I'm ashamed to admit it there were even times when I argued with God telling Him to take my wife to end the constant pain and suffering she endured. After awhile even those conversations stopped as it became apparent that my wife was never going to be better again and it seemed that God had abandoned her.
She passed away last month while under Hospice care at home. Before she did she returned to her Catholic Faith of her childhood and was given the Sacraments needed to make her right with God and for her sake I hope it granted her absolution and peace. I think it did, the day the Priest spent the afternoon at her bedside she slipped into a coma, 5 days later she was gone.
In the days following her death things happened that hardened my heart towards the church and toward God as well. You see during our absence from the church there had been some division among some of the members causing a split in the church. Suddenly my family found itself in the middle of this drama as former church members were taking to Facebook in an attempt to further demean the church by publicly stating all they have been doing to help this poor family that just lost thier wife and mother while the church did nothing to help or comfort us. It became a contest between certain current and former church members to see who was doing more so they could bolster their own egos. It was also during this time that I was asked by a Deacon of the church when was I going to resume my old duties at the church now that I had all kinds of time on my hands, I hadn't buried my wife yet, had a time to grieve or even comprehend what my life was to become now and needless to say my answer of I don't know wasn't the response her wanted. None of this was honoring my wife, God or the church. It just pushed myself and my children further from God when we needed Him the most.
Since my wife's passing I've been back to the church 3 times, once for her service and twice for Sunday Service in the past 4 weeks. And it no longer feels the same, People keep letting me know my old jobs doing the sound for various services, website and social media outreach are open and I need to start doing them for the church. The problem is I don't want to. Before when I did those things I never did them for the church, I did them for God because I truly felt in some small way I was helping to get His word out. I don't feel anything now, I used to be able to go into the Chapel at anytime day or night and feel recharged, no theres nothing. As quick as I'm in the door I want to leave. I know God hasn't abandoned me, I've left God, I've built a wall and now I'm trapped.
I've spoken to one other person at church about this and they seem to understand but have no suggestions other than give it time. I can't speak to our Pastor since the church currently doesn't have one, they have different Pastors from other churches taking turns doing the Sunday Service until a new Pastor can be found to lead the church. How do I get back what I lost? Fake it till you make it and works aren't going to do it. I want the spirituality I had before but I'm afraid to get there I have to feel again and I can't do that right now the hurt is still to raw.
During this time because of her limitations going to church became sporadic at best and eventually stopped as did hospital and home visits from our Pastor and others from the church as others took over my duties at the church, it's as if we were out of sight and out of mind. And to be honest I really wasn't bothered by this because taking care of my wife took everything I had, there was often nothing left at the end of the day for me but a few quick hours sleep and then start the routine of caring for her all over again, I was on autopilot.
There were times however when I did speak with God. Asking and begging to heal my wife and as much as I'm ashamed to admit it there were even times when I argued with God telling Him to take my wife to end the constant pain and suffering she endured. After awhile even those conversations stopped as it became apparent that my wife was never going to be better again and it seemed that God had abandoned her.
She passed away last month while under Hospice care at home. Before she did she returned to her Catholic Faith of her childhood and was given the Sacraments needed to make her right with God and for her sake I hope it granted her absolution and peace. I think it did, the day the Priest spent the afternoon at her bedside she slipped into a coma, 5 days later she was gone.
In the days following her death things happened that hardened my heart towards the church and toward God as well. You see during our absence from the church there had been some division among some of the members causing a split in the church. Suddenly my family found itself in the middle of this drama as former church members were taking to Facebook in an attempt to further demean the church by publicly stating all they have been doing to help this poor family that just lost thier wife and mother while the church did nothing to help or comfort us. It became a contest between certain current and former church members to see who was doing more so they could bolster their own egos. It was also during this time that I was asked by a Deacon of the church when was I going to resume my old duties at the church now that I had all kinds of time on my hands, I hadn't buried my wife yet, had a time to grieve or even comprehend what my life was to become now and needless to say my answer of I don't know wasn't the response her wanted. None of this was honoring my wife, God or the church. It just pushed myself and my children further from God when we needed Him the most.
Since my wife's passing I've been back to the church 3 times, once for her service and twice for Sunday Service in the past 4 weeks. And it no longer feels the same, People keep letting me know my old jobs doing the sound for various services, website and social media outreach are open and I need to start doing them for the church. The problem is I don't want to. Before when I did those things I never did them for the church, I did them for God because I truly felt in some small way I was helping to get His word out. I don't feel anything now, I used to be able to go into the Chapel at anytime day or night and feel recharged, no theres nothing. As quick as I'm in the door I want to leave. I know God hasn't abandoned me, I've left God, I've built a wall and now I'm trapped.
I've spoken to one other person at church about this and they seem to understand but have no suggestions other than give it time. I can't speak to our Pastor since the church currently doesn't have one, they have different Pastors from other churches taking turns doing the Sunday Service until a new Pastor can be found to lead the church. How do I get back what I lost? Fake it till you make it and works aren't going to do it. I want the spirituality I had before but I'm afraid to get there I have to feel again and I can't do that right now the hurt is still to raw.
