I sinned

[ocd]

I have sinned.

And I think the sin I have committed is worse that that of the most brutal murderes of all time. Not that these crimes arent sinfull too, they are, but mine are greater.

Look at Stalin. What he did was bad. But he did it, because he thought it was the best. It was paranoia, and he thought he needed to kill innocent people to win the war.

Then consider someone, who didnt do the bad, but thought about it and enjoyed it. This is a sinner. I was among those.

When I was younger, about 8 years old or something, and up when I was 18 years old, I was the biggest sinner of history. I am 20 years old now.

I thought and enjoyed the worst things. The worst things was:

When I was about 8 years old, I cant remember, I asked someone who was good at drawing, to draw a litle baby for me, who was kicked by a soldier. I enjoyed it.

Thats not the worst part though.

The worst part was when something inside me, which I tried to actually combat.

I was 17 years old.
We visited my grandma.
After the visit, I thought that it was disturbing to always visit her when we were at the area. So I was cold and hard and thought the worst thought ever, of which I have hated myself since that.

I thought this: "I wish she would get a dangerous disease which will kill her so we dont have to visit her anymore."

Just after I thought that I thought: "How disgusting. That is brutal. Of course I dont wish that."

4 months later she got diagnosed with cancer and could not be treated. She died in July 2005 from cancer.

I am so sorry for this, and I dont know how to ever, ever recieve forgiveness or even forgive myself this horrible thought.

I am so sorry, what should I do?

I feel like I am going to eternal damnation.

I have never told this story before.

Please help me.
I am a sinner and I regret it and confess.

I regret it, because I am sorry for what I did.
I do not regret it because of my eventual punishment which is OCD.
I regret it, because I am sorry for what I did, and I hate myself.

Of course, after I heard that she was sick, I prayed to God to stop it, and since then I have had OCD.

I have regret it ever since, I knew she was sick. I prayed and prayed.

She did however get 1 more year to live in.

I do not hope my grandma would hate me for this.

I ask for forgiveness. What do I do?

I have asked for forgiveness in more than 2 years.

I remember when I was sitting beside her bed when she was dying and silently inside my head repeatedly said "I am sorry for what I did, I am sorry, I do not wish this, I love my grandma, I hate myself for this."

When she died, I was told that she had felt bad in 3 years but did nothing about it, and only the one she lived with, not a husband, but something similar, told that she had been sick for a long time.

I do not know if it was my praiers that worked, and God changed the history...

I miss her, and I would like to see her again, but I cant. I cried when I heard she was sick. I cried when she was diagnosed. I cried when she got weaker. I cried when she was dying. I cried when she died. Now nearly 1 year after she died, I still dream about her and miss her.

I never sin again. However, history can not be changed by man, and I am a sinner...

Help me.

 

[Snowrose]

Hello ocd,

Be encouraged my dear friend. Don't you realize that once "we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." - 1 John 1: 9

Also in James 5: 16 it says we are to "confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." My friend - my prayer for you is "May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it." (1 Thessalonians 5:23-24) Jesus has a wonderful plan for you - hold onto that promise and trust & learn from Him.

What you had was a thought. I had thoughts that I have regreted later but like you I repented of that thought. It is now covered by Jesus' blood and now "white as snow". We are all sinners saved by grace.

Ocd, don't hold onto regrets or even failures - all they do is drag you down. Give them all to Jesus and keep your eyes on Jesus. He will never leave you or forsake you. He loves you and so do I.

I will always keep you in my prayers. PM me any time. God bless you Ocd.

Love,
Snowrose

 

[Dreamer]

Jesus Loves You

Hi, O. I'm assuming your calling yourself ocd because you've been diagnosed with obcessive compulsive disorder? Listen, O, God loves you. I will pray for you that you won't keep carrying this guilt; it's torturing you. God loves you and wants to be your Savior and friend. Romans 3:23 "For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God."
O, Heaven knows, we have all fallen short. It is only by God's grace we are saved. "For by grace you are saved through faith, and this is not from yourselves;it is God's gift." Eph 2:8
God wants you to be free and healed. He loves you so much. Do you know Jesus, God's Son, as your personal Savior? Jesus died for your sins so that you could be forgiven, O. This is for real. All of us that are here are sinners.
We came to a point in our lives where we turned from that sin and turned to Jesus. Jesus saves. He loves you. He brought you here for a reason. We at talkJesus love you too.

 

[jiggyfly]

First ocd, having thoughts, even bad thoughts is not a sin. Entertaining bad thoughts can lead to sin though. Satan can give us bad thoughts and tempt us into sinning.

2Corinthians 10:3-6
3*For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: 4*(for the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds 5 casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; 6*and having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled.

This is what spiritual warfare is all about, Jesus said that the kingdom of God is within you.(Luke 17:21)

When bad thoughts come just resist them and focus on the Lord, if you think it is an evil spirit giving you these thoughts rebuke the spirit. Something that may help is playing some praise and worship music that you like when ever you have these bad thoughts. I find that listening to some good praise and worship really is an effective way to focus on Jesus. As you spend time with Jesus in prayer and in His word you will find that you will grow to be more spiritually minded and it will become more difficult for the enemy to attack you in this way. I will be praying for you, God bless.

 

[Chad]

Brother jiggyfly, that helped me too. OCD, I face simliar issue with "thoughts". You are not alone but you need to meditate on the Scripture our members here quoted and the godly advice given. They are truthful. You are not in the wrong for having the thoughts, so long as you do not dwell on them purposely (or say, sincerely)

Remember, GOD looks at the heart of a man. If you disagree with the thoughts GOD will know it. You know, even if you purposely had bad thoughts GOD will know it BUT IF YOU REPENT and seek forgiveness, you are forgiven by GOD's grace in Jesus Christ.

We are all sinners. That is a done deal. We are all provided FREE gift of salvation. A better done deal