I really want to do the right thing but I'm really struggling in a big way at my church at the moment. Sorry but I think this going to be long to explain, but I hope someone can help me out here.
When I joined the church I was very ill with psychotic depression and God healed me of the psychoses and I just have some depression now. However, I've still got a lot of working through of problems because I had quite a dysfunctional upbringing that affected me a lot. I recently found out that I scored highly for having a borderline personality disorder (probably caused by childhood trauma). It can't be treated by drugs, but only by long-term therapy which I'm about to start.
When I first went to my church they put me in a group for special needs led my a very charismatic woman who took me under her wing. However, several times I struggled in the relationship and withdrew when I felt that I couldn't relate to what she was saying and lost trust. She has told me that this was because I went into deception because of the Devil.
Anyway, eventually each time I went back - I felt quite dependent on her to help me out and really wanted God.
But, to be really honest, one of the things I struggled with is that she talked about her own life a fair bit and I found this difficult. I did not find it helpful and while I listened I didn't really understand why she was talking in our sessions. Then sometimes I felt frustrated because we would get delayed in progressing through books like Steps to Freedom by Neil Anderson (which we never finished in the end) and in my mind it felt like it was often because she would talk a lot about her own life and how God was using her. I did not know how to talk to her about this without sounding rude, ungrateful or selfish. In addition, I said I was willing to help her out if she needed it and she asked me if I would clean for her at home, which I then did on a regular basis. However, it became apparent that there was not going to be an end to this because she had a bad back and so I started to feel trapped in the arrangement.
Finally, because I began to question whether I was being exploited I left the church.
Anyway, this person has been promoted within our church to have her own 'ministry' helping people with deep needs. I met up with her again one time and again I felt kind of 'mesmerised' by her and drawn to going back to church again. I was told by her that our church has been prophesied over as being at the point of the spearhead of churches in our country. I remember her talking about what a good church our one was. I started to feel in immense conflict because I felt comfortable going to another church, but I felt that if the first church was better or closer to God then I should go there.
I prayed for several days but felt there was no clear guidance. Finally, I said to God I want to be close to you and at the church where I will be closest to you, and partly because of what this person said and partly because I enjoyed the worship, I decided again to go back to the first church.
I told this person the conclusion I had come to and she said that it was a revelation from God and I went forward for prayer the first service I went back to. She came forward with me and said she had a picture of God touching my heart and said that it was confirmation that I'd made the right choice.
HOWEVER, since I've gone back problems have arisen again that I've found really difficult. I realise I have a lot of issues to work through, but at this church there is a lot of pressure to get involved in different ministries and volunteer to help out. I'm realising more and more that I struggle with boundaries and I volunteered to work on reception but I'm now really questioning my ability to stick to this commitment - because its causing me a lot of social anxiety - I would really rather not now and want to stop.
Also, I've just been put in a life group where the leaders' son is seriously ill at home at the moment and she has many commitments including fostering a young child with behavioural difficulties. I really don't want to burden her with my issues. My first experience at the life group left me feeling like a fish out of water, if I can use that phrase, because they were all couples and much more mature, succcessful in business or church ventures. I tried to phone the previous person who helped me at the church to talk to her about the possible diagnosis of 'borderline personality disorder' but I just felt frustrated by her reply, which was 'don't receive it' - even though she had recommended I continue seeing a psychologist. Once again, I don't feel I can really relate to what she's saying - maybe she's more spiritual than me - I don't know, but somehow we're not connecting.
I guess my problem is that I know our church strives for perfection, but it also expects a lot from its congregation. I just don't feel I can be myself here and be honest about all the struggles I'm having and feel okay here. But I feel bad about leaving a church which might be 'better' than the other local church - even though I feel more at home in the other local church.
Do you think that in God's eyes it will be okay if I change my mind again and go to this other local church? I just want to be out of so much pressure and conflict that I've been experiencing. I want to be able to take my 'mask' off and just be honest and say hey, sorry, but I'm not able to do very much at the moment churchwise but I'm willing to come as much as I can. I worry intensely that I'll be letting God down if I leave and in the future He'll tell me that I made a big mistake, even though it's already got to the stage where I don't want to go to any of the church services.
Many thanks to anyone who can help at all.
When I joined the church I was very ill with psychotic depression and God healed me of the psychoses and I just have some depression now. However, I've still got a lot of working through of problems because I had quite a dysfunctional upbringing that affected me a lot. I recently found out that I scored highly for having a borderline personality disorder (probably caused by childhood trauma). It can't be treated by drugs, but only by long-term therapy which I'm about to start.
When I first went to my church they put me in a group for special needs led my a very charismatic woman who took me under her wing. However, several times I struggled in the relationship and withdrew when I felt that I couldn't relate to what she was saying and lost trust. She has told me that this was because I went into deception because of the Devil.
Anyway, eventually each time I went back - I felt quite dependent on her to help me out and really wanted God.
But, to be really honest, one of the things I struggled with is that she talked about her own life a fair bit and I found this difficult. I did not find it helpful and while I listened I didn't really understand why she was talking in our sessions. Then sometimes I felt frustrated because we would get delayed in progressing through books like Steps to Freedom by Neil Anderson (which we never finished in the end) and in my mind it felt like it was often because she would talk a lot about her own life and how God was using her. I did not know how to talk to her about this without sounding rude, ungrateful or selfish. In addition, I said I was willing to help her out if she needed it and she asked me if I would clean for her at home, which I then did on a regular basis. However, it became apparent that there was not going to be an end to this because she had a bad back and so I started to feel trapped in the arrangement.
Finally, because I began to question whether I was being exploited I left the church.
Anyway, this person has been promoted within our church to have her own 'ministry' helping people with deep needs. I met up with her again one time and again I felt kind of 'mesmerised' by her and drawn to going back to church again. I was told by her that our church has been prophesied over as being at the point of the spearhead of churches in our country. I remember her talking about what a good church our one was. I started to feel in immense conflict because I felt comfortable going to another church, but I felt that if the first church was better or closer to God then I should go there.
I prayed for several days but felt there was no clear guidance. Finally, I said to God I want to be close to you and at the church where I will be closest to you, and partly because of what this person said and partly because I enjoyed the worship, I decided again to go back to the first church.
I told this person the conclusion I had come to and she said that it was a revelation from God and I went forward for prayer the first service I went back to. She came forward with me and said she had a picture of God touching my heart and said that it was confirmation that I'd made the right choice.
HOWEVER, since I've gone back problems have arisen again that I've found really difficult. I realise I have a lot of issues to work through, but at this church there is a lot of pressure to get involved in different ministries and volunteer to help out. I'm realising more and more that I struggle with boundaries and I volunteered to work on reception but I'm now really questioning my ability to stick to this commitment - because its causing me a lot of social anxiety - I would really rather not now and want to stop.
Also, I've just been put in a life group where the leaders' son is seriously ill at home at the moment and she has many commitments including fostering a young child with behavioural difficulties. I really don't want to burden her with my issues. My first experience at the life group left me feeling like a fish out of water, if I can use that phrase, because they were all couples and much more mature, succcessful in business or church ventures. I tried to phone the previous person who helped me at the church to talk to her about the possible diagnosis of 'borderline personality disorder' but I just felt frustrated by her reply, which was 'don't receive it' - even though she had recommended I continue seeing a psychologist. Once again, I don't feel I can really relate to what she's saying - maybe she's more spiritual than me - I don't know, but somehow we're not connecting.
I guess my problem is that I know our church strives for perfection, but it also expects a lot from its congregation. I just don't feel I can be myself here and be honest about all the struggles I'm having and feel okay here. But I feel bad about leaving a church which might be 'better' than the other local church - even though I feel more at home in the other local church.
Do you think that in God's eyes it will be okay if I change my mind again and go to this other local church? I just want to be out of so much pressure and conflict that I've been experiencing. I want to be able to take my 'mask' off and just be honest and say hey, sorry, but I'm not able to do very much at the moment churchwise but I'm willing to come as much as I can. I worry intensely that I'll be letting God down if I leave and in the future He'll tell me that I made a big mistake, even though it's already got to the stage where I don't want to go to any of the church services.
Many thanks to anyone who can help at all.
