If Only I Were Beautiful

[abigya]

If Only I Were Beautiful
By Amy Nicole Wallace

I looked in the mirror and smiled.

He'd asked me out. An older guy from my church's singles group wanted to go out with me, a sixteen-year-old junior. He said I was beautiful.

I believed him.

So much so, that after we'd been dating a little while, his opinion dominated everything. Soon I dropped all my church activities because he didn't like them. He was my boyfriend and just wanted to spend time with me. It didn't matter that my mom and dad didn't like him. Or that my friends from church said things weren't right with our relationship.

I didn't care. I'd grown up an ugly duckling and finally felt like a swan. Someone wanted me. Someone who said I was the most beautiful girl in the world.

That same someone ripped away my virginity one night after hearing "no" too many times for his liking.

I didn't feel beautiful anymore. I felt like trash.

But I continued to go out with him. He never tried to force a physical relationship again. Instead, his anger escalated. He punched a wall out, barely missing my head. He damaged the nerves in my arm yanking me out of a car, accusing me of flirting with another guy.

Then he got in my face and yelled, "Don't even think about leaving me. No one else would want you anyway. You're used goods and I'm the best you'll ever get."

I believed him.

Until I moved away to attend a small Christian college in another city. There I met lots of guys who treated me with respect. But none of them ever asked me out.

Maybe my boyfriend was right. I was used goods, no longer beautiful.

I transferred in the middle of my freshman year to a state university in my hometown. My new friends encouraged me to get out and date other guys and not let my boyfriend push me around. So I did. I broke off our two-year relationship and jumped right into another one.

I moved in with my new boyfriend and spent the next few years trying to stay pretty enough to keep his attention. I played intramural basketball, weight trained, and played racquetball in my free time. On top of that, I held down a part-time job and managed to stay on the honor roll.

Anything to make me feel worthwhile, to feel beautiful.

It wasn't until seventeen years later as I sat in my family room surrounded by teens half my age, listening to them talk each week about boys and wishing they were beautiful, that I started to grasp the truth.

No one could make me feel beautiful.

One of the girls talked about her dad. "My dad says, 'You used to be so cute. What happened?'" Tears streamed down her beautiful chocolate skin. She didn't think she'd ever be beautiful.

I knew differently. She was already beautiful. She just didn't believe it.

Another night I posed a question. "What are you trying to get when you dress to impress a guy?"

Their eyes grew wide. I waited.

One of the older girls spoke up, "I like to dress nice. The boys notice and it feels good inside."

"But what happens when he decides someone else looks better?"

"It hurts."

"Yes it does." I read the girls two quotes that God was using to change the focus of my search for attention:

"No love of the natural heart is safe unless the human heart has been satisfied by God first" — Oswald Chambers

"We are not wrong to think we desperately need to be loved. We do. Our need does not constitute anyone else's call but God's." — Beth Moore

I spent my teen years trying to get someone to love me. Any way I could. I wanted their attention and their words to make me feel beautiful. I took the questions of my heart to any guy who noticed. Do you see me? Am I beautiful?

Sooner or later everyone that answered "yes" fell under the weight of trying to make me feel okay.

What I've finally received in the deepest part of my heart—what I'm learning to walk through with my youth group girls—is that our cavernous need to be loved, to be beautiful, will be satisfied first in God.

Or it won't be satisfied at all.

So we're taking a U-turn together and encouraging one another to take our questions to God, not boys, or any one else for that matter. It's pretty amazing to see the light in their eyes as they hear God answer their questions with a, "YES! I see you. You are beautiful. You are Mine and you are loved."

I'm starting to see that light in my own eyes too. I've stopped saying, "If only I could lose a few pounds. If only I were beautiful." Now I remind myself that I am beautiful in God's eyes. His eyes see me first thing in the morning and on bad hair days.

And He still says I'm beautiful.

Take a good look in your mirror. God has much to say. Listen closely. He is enthralled with your beauty.

 

[Dreamer]

abigya, I don't know where you found this, but it's beautiful! Thank you so much. I read it very slowly so that I could take it in. Even though it was a long time ago when I was a teenager, I still struggle with these same issues.

Thank you so much for posting this, sister. I hope everyone (especially the females) reads it.

And.....you dads out there....don't forget to treat your daughters as precious treasure. Then they will know they are treasure when they grow into teenagers and go out with boys. They won't be so apt to give away their most precious treasures if they know Dad and Mom love them. Something about fatherhood has a special touch in a girl's life.

 

[SmileBig]

This blessed me also. It isn't just girls who can feel this way but boys too.

Satan can so easily rob us and make us think we are ugly or unattractive but we need to take those thoughts captive as in God's eyes we are special and loved.

God bless

 

[scottie75]

I too am bloke who was very touched by this - thank you so much for sharing!! I think it is important to remember that men and woman all go through these issues!!

Thank you!!!

 

[mounty]

wow yes this is a very good post
I too felt like that as a teenager always working at my appearence to insure i looked perfect
now i look at back and realise i wasted years on what others thought of me
So sad

 

[stephen]

I'm starting to see that light in my own eyes too. I've stopped saying, "If only I could lose a few pounds. If only I were beautiful." Now I remind myself that I am beautiful in God's eyes. His eyes see me first thing in the morning and on bad hair days.

And He still says I'm beautiful.

Take a good look in your mirror. God has much to say. Listen closely. He is enthralled with your beauty.

Dear Lord help us to loose thoughts about our selves, and recognise that as we press ahead with you, "all these things will be added" God loves us just as we are,,,,,,,,,,so should any-one else

As I see it

 

[Judy]

That is beautiful

How many times i wished i had a slimmer body, how i wished i had a smoother face, smaller hips etc.
But, We have been wonderfully and fearfully made. We are God's children and His love endures forever.

Thanks alot for this reminder.

 

[Brigitte Njeri]

Thanx alot for posting this, as I am in my teenage years, this is one of the things i realised i worry most about; if other people think I am beautiful. Yes, I now really know that it does not matter what people really think, because I am God´s own image....

Thanx n May God bless yah!

 

[maciek]

beuty lies in the eye of the beholder..

Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder...Yes behold you are the image and likeness of God, you are little less than the angel, you are child of God greater than all other creatures...:boy_hug: :girl_hug:

 

[abigya]

Thanx alot for posting this, as I am in my teenage years, this is one of the things i realised i worry most about; if other people think I am beautiful. Yes, I now really know that it does not matter what people really think, because I am God´s own image....

Thanx n May God bless yah!

Amen, God bless you too dear all. Brigitte Njeri
May we all remember what matter is that God created us in his image to do the good works that he was intended before we where born.

Genesis 1:26 (New International Version)
Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground."

Ephesians 2:10 (New International Version)
For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Many blessings!

 

[lnrobar]

Gosh, this is an awesome story. Is it a true one? Wow, it has blessed me sooo much!

 

[CrazyForChrist]

Great post, for even the beautiful can feel ugly and unloved, but as someone said, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.

 

[Judy]

We are fearfully and wonderfully made

God took His precious time to create us. Am for me, beauty is what comes from inside - the heart. god loves each of us and we should always know that we are His creation. Am not perfect myself. i have some extra weight and am not tall enough, but am God's child and that's for me the bottom line.

Someone told me the other day that, befor ebeing anything else, e.g, a mum, a daughter, an auntie, am a child of God. How wonderful that is.

 

[Alicia]

Beauty is not everything in life. I have known very beautiful girls who are extremely insecure. They could sometimes be so self absorbed. They always have a fear of not being accepted if they lose just a little ounce of their beauty, especially when another beautiful person comes around. Jealously and sometimes hatred then play its part.

The process may start from very young or as teenagers when people start the compliments...'you're so beautiful' etc. This is good but then satan starts playing with your mind. Giving you fears and doubts about who you are. Letting you think you are nothing without this beauty.

People love you because of it (but do they really)? Even my very beautiful 5 year old goddaughter is affected already. She spent a Saturday night at my home and in the morning when combing her very long hair for church, she instructed that I should not put it up. When I inquired why I should not, she told me that people would not like her very much when her hair is tied up, they don't tell her she's pretty. I told her mother who told her that this is not true, that she's beautiful anyway.

It's so sad, I saw it in a lot of friends and I too went through a bit of it in my early twenties. I have learnt a lot since then. I saw the effects it has on others and I don't want to be like that...vain and insecure.

I believe, we as Christians ought to know better. Even if we are given great beauty as the world sees it, then we should try to not focus on ourselves too much. Beauty is not our life, God is. He is the way, the truth and the life and without Him we are absolutely nothing.

God Bless You all!

 

[ax d-slayer]

WOW thanx sister i read it and found it awesome .... though i dont care for a relationship right now... God created us in HIS image so i never thought i was ugly ( after reading that )

 

[Manal_Tayar]

i LOVED this, seriously, that is so true!
thank you soo much for sharing it!
As a teen, i struggle with this everyday, though i don't ever want to date unless it's really serious and will lead to marrige, i always seek attention from guys...sometimes i even get so tensed because of that...

is that your story?

again, thank you so much for this post...And yes, i think Dreamer is right about Fatherhood!!
God bless you everyone
His Beautiful Daughter, lol
Manal

 

[lnrobar]

One thing God always tells me, is that I am His beloved! We are His beloved! He loves us, and thinks we are beautiful because we are His children. No matter what we think of ourselves or what anyone says to us, we are the beloved generation of Christ! The beautiful saints of God!

It's like the treasure in the field. He gave everything He had (Jesus) because He wanted to buy the field that had the treasure in it! We are His treasure!

 

[ladylovesJesus]

Very wise words there Inrobar. His banner over me is

God bless you. rainbow: :rose:

 

[abigya]

i LOVED this, seriously, that is so true!
thank you soo much for sharing it!
As a teen, i struggle with this everyday, though i don't ever want to date unless it's really serious and will lead to marrige, i always seek attention from guys...sometimes i even get so tensed because of that...

is that your story?

again, thank you so much for this post...And yes, i think Dreamer is right about Fatherhood!!
God bless you everyone
His Beautiful Daughter, lol
Manal

I am glad you all find it a blessing

Manal
The story is By Amy Nicole Wallace; it's a testimony of her true life,
we all( teenagers, singles, married, old people…….) struggle with this issues, I pray God will open our eyes through this true story that we may truly believe WE ARE LOVED BY GOD JUST AS WE ARE, “God sent his only son when we where still sinners”. (No pre conditions)

And I think we have to take good care of our physical body as it’s the temple of God, but our mind should not be caught in that (concentrate on the Love and acceptance of God)

Let God Love you just us you are!

With lots of Love and Blessing to you all
abigya

 

[Manal_Tayar]

I am glad you all find it a blessing

Manal
The story is By Amy Nicole Wallace; it's a testimony of her true life,
we all( teenagers, singles, married, old people…….) struggle with this issues, I pray God will open our eyes through this true story that we may truly believe WE ARE LOVED BY GOD JUST AS WE ARE, “God sent his only son when we where still sinners”. (No pre conditions)

And I think we have to take good care of our physical body as it’s the temple of God, but our mind should not be caught in that (concentrate on the Love and acceptance of God)

Let God Love you just us you are!

With lots of Love and Blessing to you all
abigya

hey, thank you so much, you are so lovely! really, God bless you sister!