pookiejr
Member
- Joined
- Aug 23, 2013
- Messages
- 110
I have several sexual faults to confess.
James 5:16
Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.
1 John 1:8-9
8 If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
So I just came clean to God that I have issues, deep seated issues. As I confessed to God the various things that I was doing against His will I eventually came across a very big fault.
First, I started confessing that I was living as a ***** before Him, Realizing that was outside of His order, and reaping the reward for it. I have not committed fornication in over a decade, but I was lusting after people in my heart as well as staying a friend with benefits with one of the members at my church. I tried to use this to get what I "needed" sexually, but then, after the guilt of hooking up, I would suggest marriage to prevent getting in trouble for what we were doing, and was rejected (I wonder why *eyeroll*). The guilt was so great that we could not hook up on Saturday night (like normal people) but it was not great enough to stop us from doing our dirt after church (you know, so we wont feel bad during church service). I felt justified in getting angry at him for wanting to see other people, but then wanting to kiss and touch me, but that was, all things considered, what I had signed up for.
Then I confessed that I had a mental pornography problem for at least 20 years (28 at the time of confession) and a malice problem (If I can't bring myself to have a sex related fantasy with you [including "implied sex" fantasies like being pregnant] I will fantasize an argument or a verbal beatdown). This is difficult because, unlike regular pornography, it was with people I know (I would fantasize about them, having a close bond with me, but we never talked much in person, and when we did, I was usually a jerk to them) This is something that I considered to "get me through" hard times in my life. It started out with wanting to kiss individuals, then it grew to the level of having a male harem with boys from ages 9 to 16 (I was about nine myself at the time). But then I stared getting an understanding of the word of God, and still used it used the "parameters" of the Word to justify it. I could fall into the arms of a loving man, have children with him and kill him (and our children) in an accident. and fall into the arms of another man (in case you didn't notice, this allowed a quasi biblical justification for sleeping with multiple partners)
Then the bombshell, I was so sexually open to anything that The fallen world doesn't even have an official term for it yet, but it seems like omnisexual paraphiliac (paraphiliac omnisexual?) fits the bill. What does this mean? I once had an associate in high school tell me that I liked anything that breathed: it goes beyond that. I can be attracted to men, women, children, cartoon characters, videogame avatars, animal and every such abomination that I choose (I can't call it standards, more like criterion). Now, there are some people who have told me that "as long as you don't act on it it is not a problem," but even my hypocritical hiney knows that that is a lie from the pits of hell going against the very words of Jesus:
Matthew 5:27-28
27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: 28 but I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
Since I knew I would get in trouble for liking boys (I was whupped for telling the children choir that I liked a particular boy) I would think about girls because, "there's nothing in the bible against that, Right? (consider that this is before I really read the word, but the habit stuck). I would have fantasies about men who turn into horses to justify my desire to mentally experience horse wee-wee. (that in and of itself sounds like witchcraft and satanism, but I digress). I would stare too long while changing a diaper. I would play as a videogame character who I wanted to be real and whisk me into the woods (for nefarious activities of course) I had a murder rape fantasy where I raped and/or castrated (with a cheese grater no less) and bled out people who I considered to be "objects of my affection" (gross, but smh@irony).
And doing all of this for over 20 years, while being in the choir (through childhood to adulthood), children church assistant (teen to present, which makes since that I would not want to teach sometimes), pastor's aid committee, church kitchen crew (as an adult), women's mission (Ruth circle and Young living witnesses as a child) actively involved in sunday school (especially as an adult) VBS assistant (no wonder I never chose to be in a teaching capacity)
Going back to the beginning of my lust affair with my fellow church member, I really didn't care about him, I was angry about the fact that he didn't help me finish my wicked imagination via marriage (and then let me torture him *look up "confused black girl" since there is not emote that can express the amount of backwards that my thoughts contained*.) He would tell me that I was crazy sometimes, and unfortunately, he was right.
These issues are things that I would deal with on and off, when I realized that I had to spiritually be there for my siblings, I would cut it out: major family issues going down? I would drop it and lean into God. Mad at someone for breaking my heart? I would drop it, Lean into God, and them push Him away at the opportunity of nefarious activity (especially after moving out of the spiritual war zone that was my parent's house, I took enjoying sexual pleasure as my reward for trying to make sure that my entire family wasn't thrust into hell, not realizing that I was now zip-lining my way there without them.) God has blessed to be at ease, that I would be able to fully enjoy him as I desired (or claimed to desire) when I was living with my family, but instead I cheated on him.
Because I am not a person who gets told that they are beautiful or desirable often, I thought that God was protecting me from people who wanted to hurt me, I don't believe I have taken thought that He was probably protecting them from me.
Now I don't really know what to do, I would like kids, I would like to be married when they are conceived, and I would like to have meaningful friendships out side of my marriage (because God called us to be a body, and I don't want to overtax people) but when you have used your fantasy world in place of social interaction, its hard; especially when you had a mental argument, and possibly make up sex, with a person that you would like to talk to, but you cant. Its hard for me to talk to people I know especially, because I feel like they know that something is wrong with me and don't want to be around me.
Well... there is something wrong with me, and this is it.
I confessed it, and now I need prayer, to complete my healing, knowing that I will have forgiveness from God.
This is long, so if you have any questions, comments, concerns, complaints, advice, feel free to share.
If you no longer desire to communicate with me, I don't blame you.
Thanks,
Nai
James 5:16
Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.
1 John 1:8-9
8 If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
So I just came clean to God that I have issues, deep seated issues. As I confessed to God the various things that I was doing against His will I eventually came across a very big fault.
First, I started confessing that I was living as a ***** before Him, Realizing that was outside of His order, and reaping the reward for it. I have not committed fornication in over a decade, but I was lusting after people in my heart as well as staying a friend with benefits with one of the members at my church. I tried to use this to get what I "needed" sexually, but then, after the guilt of hooking up, I would suggest marriage to prevent getting in trouble for what we were doing, and was rejected (I wonder why *eyeroll*). The guilt was so great that we could not hook up on Saturday night (like normal people) but it was not great enough to stop us from doing our dirt after church (you know, so we wont feel bad during church service). I felt justified in getting angry at him for wanting to see other people, but then wanting to kiss and touch me, but that was, all things considered, what I had signed up for.
Then I confessed that I had a mental pornography problem for at least 20 years (28 at the time of confession) and a malice problem (If I can't bring myself to have a sex related fantasy with you [including "implied sex" fantasies like being pregnant] I will fantasize an argument or a verbal beatdown). This is difficult because, unlike regular pornography, it was with people I know (I would fantasize about them, having a close bond with me, but we never talked much in person, and when we did, I was usually a jerk to them) This is something that I considered to "get me through" hard times in my life. It started out with wanting to kiss individuals, then it grew to the level of having a male harem with boys from ages 9 to 16 (I was about nine myself at the time). But then I stared getting an understanding of the word of God, and still used it used the "parameters" of the Word to justify it. I could fall into the arms of a loving man, have children with him and kill him (and our children) in an accident. and fall into the arms of another man (in case you didn't notice, this allowed a quasi biblical justification for sleeping with multiple partners)
Then the bombshell, I was so sexually open to anything that The fallen world doesn't even have an official term for it yet, but it seems like omnisexual paraphiliac (paraphiliac omnisexual?) fits the bill. What does this mean? I once had an associate in high school tell me that I liked anything that breathed: it goes beyond that. I can be attracted to men, women, children, cartoon characters, videogame avatars, animal and every such abomination that I choose (I can't call it standards, more like criterion). Now, there are some people who have told me that "as long as you don't act on it it is not a problem," but even my hypocritical hiney knows that that is a lie from the pits of hell going against the very words of Jesus:
Matthew 5:27-28
27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: 28 but I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
Since I knew I would get in trouble for liking boys (I was whupped for telling the children choir that I liked a particular boy) I would think about girls because, "there's nothing in the bible against that, Right? (consider that this is before I really read the word, but the habit stuck). I would have fantasies about men who turn into horses to justify my desire to mentally experience horse wee-wee. (that in and of itself sounds like witchcraft and satanism, but I digress). I would stare too long while changing a diaper. I would play as a videogame character who I wanted to be real and whisk me into the woods (for nefarious activities of course) I had a murder rape fantasy where I raped and/or castrated (with a cheese grater no less) and bled out people who I considered to be "objects of my affection" (gross, but smh@irony).
And doing all of this for over 20 years, while being in the choir (through childhood to adulthood), children church assistant (teen to present, which makes since that I would not want to teach sometimes), pastor's aid committee, church kitchen crew (as an adult), women's mission (Ruth circle and Young living witnesses as a child) actively involved in sunday school (especially as an adult) VBS assistant (no wonder I never chose to be in a teaching capacity)
Going back to the beginning of my lust affair with my fellow church member, I really didn't care about him, I was angry about the fact that he didn't help me finish my wicked imagination via marriage (and then let me torture him *look up "confused black girl" since there is not emote that can express the amount of backwards that my thoughts contained*.) He would tell me that I was crazy sometimes, and unfortunately, he was right.
These issues are things that I would deal with on and off, when I realized that I had to spiritually be there for my siblings, I would cut it out: major family issues going down? I would drop it and lean into God. Mad at someone for breaking my heart? I would drop it, Lean into God, and them push Him away at the opportunity of nefarious activity (especially after moving out of the spiritual war zone that was my parent's house, I took enjoying sexual pleasure as my reward for trying to make sure that my entire family wasn't thrust into hell, not realizing that I was now zip-lining my way there without them.) God has blessed to be at ease, that I would be able to fully enjoy him as I desired (or claimed to desire) when I was living with my family, but instead I cheated on him.
Because I am not a person who gets told that they are beautiful or desirable often, I thought that God was protecting me from people who wanted to hurt me, I don't believe I have taken thought that He was probably protecting them from me.
Now I don't really know what to do, I would like kids, I would like to be married when they are conceived, and I would like to have meaningful friendships out side of my marriage (because God called us to be a body, and I don't want to overtax people) but when you have used your fantasy world in place of social interaction, its hard; especially when you had a mental argument, and possibly make up sex, with a person that you would like to talk to, but you cant. Its hard for me to talk to people I know especially, because I feel like they know that something is wrong with me and don't want to be around me.
Well... there is something wrong with me, and this is it.
I confessed it, and now I need prayer, to complete my healing, knowing that I will have forgiveness from God.
This is long, so if you have any questions, comments, concerns, complaints, advice, feel free to share.
If you no longer desire to communicate with me, I don't blame you.
Thanks,
Nai
