Awakening234
Member
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2011
- Messages
- 18
<style type="text/css"> p, li { white-space: pre-wrap; }</style>Around this time last year, I had a spiritual awakening which led to me to start going church and getting to know the Lord more intimately. I have a personal relationship with God and he is always there for me, even when I sin and fall away, when I go crawling back, he is always there to confort me.
But I feel so lonely sometimes. I seem to have been born with a curse that makes it really difficult for me to form a meaningful relationship with people past the point of small talk. Part of this is i'm afraid of getting to know people as everyone I ever got close to as a child/adolescent was torn away from me for reasons not of my own. I come from a single parent family. Let me tell you that divorce has a devastating affect on children who have to suffer through it like me.
My father remarried several times, his last missus had kids, I got on well with the missus and the kids tbh when I visited. But that relationship turned sour after a few year. What's the point of keeping in touch with a Dad's ex missus and her family who arn't even blood related......guess its my fault but I really couldn’t be bothered to maintain relationship with them.
I was also very close to my Dad once (so close we would even smoke weed together - maybe that wasn't a good thing). We would talk about lots of deep stuff like spirituality and stuff. He always tried to fill the emptiness inside him with drink & drugs, me, I was lucky to find Jesus, but before then I pretty much started going along that road, smoking Weed etc.
Anyway, thats all in the past!
BTW i'm also a half-caste, my mum is Indian, my Dad is English. Though I was born and raised in England, I have never felt truly British. I just can't seem to fit in with the culture. Everybody is "TV this, Celebrety that, Facebook this, let quote random quotes from TV or film that I have never seen but everybody else has". People in my age group (i'm 27 turning 28 soon) I can't seem to relate to. Especially all these nice church people.....Funny how if I enter a church "alone" (i've been going to a regular one for a few months in the City I recently moved to - Yes I recently moved to a brand new city , alone, for a job, maybe that's a problem for somebody like me). Though I am 27, the experiences I grew up with (and the fact my childhood was full of unhappiness and was basically robbed) has caused me to wise up and be smart. I never have money problem and I am ambitious and foccussed when it comes to my career. I earn double most people my age. Reminds me of the song " Money in my pocket but I jut can't get no love".
Anyway, I go to this church. The way it goes is, the first time I entered this church alone, I felt so welcomed it was unbelievable! "yippee I found a home". So I went again, and again. I have been getting involved, helping set up services before they start etc. I may even be able to start helping with their IT needs in some way soon on a lead I need to follow up. But the truth is, no matter how involved I get, I can't seem to get close to anyone. I don't share silly hobbies and i'm not really into Sport (kinda goes against me really). I can't get intimate with people! It's a curse!!!
I guess i'm too much of a serious guy now. I have become vain, unfriendly, even bitter. I feel jealousy build up in me at times. Oh and the relationship status, I haven't had a relationship or sex for comming up to 10 years now, its almost impossible for me to win a woman's trust. I sometimes feel jealous and bitter at watching other couples & friends share the intimacy and affection which I so desire but am cursed it seems never to have .
In fact I am failing as a Christian, i've been doing well so far but the last month or so, things have been falling apart inside my heart. I am becoming envious at the world and I even feel angry God at times but God humbles me and he will put me in my place. I will pray hard and work it out with him. But to be honest no matter how much he helps me, I feel I haven't quiet secured my place in Heaven, I have a long way to go..... first I must conquer the evil that is brewing in my heart. I hate this part of me, I want to kill this part of my flesh so that I can walk in Grace once more.
Today I feel so gloomy. Other times I feel happy that God has blessed me with an Education, job, money, roof over my head, and I do have some Old Core friends from University, though they live far from me, they are friends for life. But when I am alone in this city with this job and this church and a few flatmates I share some time with, I feel lonely and lost and unsure what my real direction with. When I feel like this, the envy, bitterness and jealousy returns. I have even caught trains of thought wishing failure on other people at work, it sickens me that I could think and desire such a thing on others, is this even normal? I have some serious issues. Very few things make me smile these days.
One thing that can make me smile though is a small child looking at me over their parents shoulder and smiling, this was the only thing that made me smile today
I'm not really asking for advice from this post but I felt I needed to record it in someway to straighten things out. What I could do with advice on prayer on how to rid myself of the evil negative thought patters or wishing failure on a brother or wishing to tell somebody at church to go F*** themselves, yes I would be lieing if this stuff wasn't in my head. I know I have issues.... I so want that grace of God to just remove all this stuff from my brain.
The bottom line is I also crave to develop a meaningful relationship with somebody but i'm in no condition for it right now. I need to fix my relationship with myself and with God. Maybe God is teaching a lesson in how sad loneliness is so that if/when I have a family of my own, I would treasure it so much, really! I feel sorry for those who die alone, who have a funeral that few people attend... One of the most meaning chapters of the bible for me in this situation is Ecclesiastes 12 "Remember your creator in the days of thy youth before the dark days come...)
But I feel so lonely sometimes. I seem to have been born with a curse that makes it really difficult for me to form a meaningful relationship with people past the point of small talk. Part of this is i'm afraid of getting to know people as everyone I ever got close to as a child/adolescent was torn away from me for reasons not of my own. I come from a single parent family. Let me tell you that divorce has a devastating affect on children who have to suffer through it like me.
My father remarried several times, his last missus had kids, I got on well with the missus and the kids tbh when I visited. But that relationship turned sour after a few year. What's the point of keeping in touch with a Dad's ex missus and her family who arn't even blood related......guess its my fault but I really couldn’t be bothered to maintain relationship with them.
I was also very close to my Dad once (so close we would even smoke weed together - maybe that wasn't a good thing). We would talk about lots of deep stuff like spirituality and stuff. He always tried to fill the emptiness inside him with drink & drugs, me, I was lucky to find Jesus, but before then I pretty much started going along that road, smoking Weed etc.
Anyway, thats all in the past!
BTW i'm also a half-caste, my mum is Indian, my Dad is English. Though I was born and raised in England, I have never felt truly British. I just can't seem to fit in with the culture. Everybody is "TV this, Celebrety that, Facebook this, let quote random quotes from TV or film that I have never seen but everybody else has". People in my age group (i'm 27 turning 28 soon) I can't seem to relate to. Especially all these nice church people.....Funny how if I enter a church "alone" (i've been going to a regular one for a few months in the City I recently moved to - Yes I recently moved to a brand new city , alone, for a job, maybe that's a problem for somebody like me). Though I am 27, the experiences I grew up with (and the fact my childhood was full of unhappiness and was basically robbed) has caused me to wise up and be smart. I never have money problem and I am ambitious and foccussed when it comes to my career. I earn double most people my age. Reminds me of the song " Money in my pocket but I jut can't get no love".
Anyway, I go to this church. The way it goes is, the first time I entered this church alone, I felt so welcomed it was unbelievable! "yippee I found a home". So I went again, and again. I have been getting involved, helping set up services before they start etc. I may even be able to start helping with their IT needs in some way soon on a lead I need to follow up. But the truth is, no matter how involved I get, I can't seem to get close to anyone. I don't share silly hobbies and i'm not really into Sport (kinda goes against me really). I can't get intimate with people! It's a curse!!!
I guess i'm too much of a serious guy now. I have become vain, unfriendly, even bitter. I feel jealousy build up in me at times. Oh and the relationship status, I haven't had a relationship or sex for comming up to 10 years now, its almost impossible for me to win a woman's trust. I sometimes feel jealous and bitter at watching other couples & friends share the intimacy and affection which I so desire but am cursed it seems never to have .
In fact I am failing as a Christian, i've been doing well so far but the last month or so, things have been falling apart inside my heart. I am becoming envious at the world and I even feel angry God at times but God humbles me and he will put me in my place. I will pray hard and work it out with him. But to be honest no matter how much he helps me, I feel I haven't quiet secured my place in Heaven, I have a long way to go..... first I must conquer the evil that is brewing in my heart. I hate this part of me, I want to kill this part of my flesh so that I can walk in Grace once more.
Today I feel so gloomy. Other times I feel happy that God has blessed me with an Education, job, money, roof over my head, and I do have some Old Core friends from University, though they live far from me, they are friends for life. But when I am alone in this city with this job and this church and a few flatmates I share some time with, I feel lonely and lost and unsure what my real direction with. When I feel like this, the envy, bitterness and jealousy returns. I have even caught trains of thought wishing failure on other people at work, it sickens me that I could think and desire such a thing on others, is this even normal? I have some serious issues. Very few things make me smile these days.
One thing that can make me smile though is a small child looking at me over their parents shoulder and smiling, this was the only thing that made me smile today
I'm not really asking for advice from this post but I felt I needed to record it in someway to straighten things out. What I could do with advice on prayer on how to rid myself of the evil negative thought patters or wishing failure on a brother or wishing to tell somebody at church to go F*** themselves, yes I would be lieing if this stuff wasn't in my head. I know I have issues.... I so want that grace of God to just remove all this stuff from my brain.
The bottom line is I also crave to develop a meaningful relationship with somebody but i'm in no condition for it right now. I need to fix my relationship with myself and with God. Maybe God is teaching a lesson in how sad loneliness is so that if/when I have a family of my own, I would treasure it so much, really! I feel sorry for those who die alone, who have a funeral that few people attend... One of the most meaning chapters of the bible for me in this situation is Ecclesiastes 12 "Remember your creator in the days of thy youth before the dark days come...)
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