In need of a life change

[findingmyway]

Hi, I am new on here. Don't really know how to do most things on here but I am trying.
I am only 18 years old but my journey with God has been a long one.
I consider myself a backslider, because I was once in fellowship with God, but currently I am doing things I never saw myself doing when I was with God.
I know He hasn't left me, but I am scared because I have disappointed and disobeyed Him, I feel I am not worthy of His love.
This has all happened in a years time and I feel foolish. If you had met me a year ago, and met me today, you wouldn't be dealing with the same person.
A year ago, my number one priority was Jesus, nothing could get in the way even though lots of things were. I loved praising God, at church, I would speak in tongues, and I have now realized that was when my life made me most happy. At that time, I had never been drunk, high, with a man (kissing even) nor did I care to be, everything I needed was supplied through Christ.
Today I keep finding myself in the same circle, I will drink, get high, feel used by a man and then talk to God about it, I tell him how awful I feel and how I am sorry and that I will never do it again.
But after a few days someone offers me some liquor and I am right back doing the same things. This also is in my porn addiction, I try so hard to stop watching it, but I feel lustful and go back to it saying that its the last time.

I just feel stuck and I find myself in constant depression and fear, and even though I have known Christ, I don't know how to get back into my old ways, it's so hard.
Especially with men, before I didn't care or need attention from men, but now, I feel men are just using me, for sexual pleasure, I am still a virgin, but I do perform other sexual acts that previously I never had intentions of doing. Men treat me like an object, a piece of meat and not the respectable young lady that I know deep down I am.

Sorry to extend this but I have no one to talk to at all, my family doesn't understand. They are also a major contributing factor to my depression, I love Christian church, once my friend introduced me to it, I couldn't get enough, I truly felt God there and praised him the way I want. My parents are Catholic and absolutely forbid me from going to that church, so I stopped going.

I really need some words of advice, and I'm hoping I am not alone. Maybe someone has gone through something similar? I'm very scared and I want to stop going down this destructive path before it's too late. Anyone? Please.

 

[abigya]

Greetings Sister, you said

A year ago, my number one priority was Jesus, nothing could get in the way even though lots of things were.

Could it be that some where you are caught up with the church formalities and lost your number one priority who is Jesus? Because the problem with many is that they regularly attend church but don’t have the close relationship with Christ who is the author and perfector of our faith.

Churchianity usually makes people look for acceptance from Pastors and Leaders or people who are considered matured among the congregation. The fact of the matter is we are already are accepted by Christ and we serve him only. I love where Paul said

Gal 1:10 For do I now persuade men, or God? Or do I seek to please men? For if I still pleased men, I would not be a bondservant of Christ.

May I suggest that you go back to your former love of Jesus, just without the church formalities? The Holy Spirit will be guiding you in to all truth … and all the changes you need to make in your life as a result.

The more you learn to live loved rather than work a religious system.... the more you will be content with who you are in Jesus.

Love and Bless you Sister

 

[edge]

Hi findingmyway, ... I know where your coming from struggling with depression, porn and fear and having a hard time tryin to follow Christ because of family. I go through some of these things myself. You should pray to God and ask for help, just because you have backslided does not mean you have lost your salvation in Christ..., Remember that Christ took your place so that you could be forgiven so go to the Father and ask for forgiveness he loves you and will not leave you nor forsake you. Take faith in Christ and spend time with him daily. Read the word and let the spirit guide you...

 

[findingmyway]

Thank you both for the encouragement.
It means a lot for me.

Today was a new day, but within the past 20 minutes this has turned into one of the worst days ever.
The college that I was hoping and planning to get into for January sent me a letter saying I was not accepted. I haven't stopped crying yet.
I am so hurt right now, I am trying to trust Jesus with it, but I am beating myself up over it, I feel intellectually stupid and not good enough for school.
I know I shouldn't think it's punishment from Jesus but I do. Even though maybe in the future it could be a blessing, I am very low right now.
I have painful thoughts right now.

I hate being let down, and I can't even lean on him at this moment cause I feel like I would be using him only when it's convenient for me.

 

[edge]

I am sorry to hear this , you shouldnt let somthing like this steal joy and peace from you... Watch out for Satan he wishes to condemn you , dont put yourself down or exalt yourself let the Lord tell you what he thinks, and be humble but also take encouragement only from God, listen to the Lord and pray to him, God does not want to harm you. You must realise that God has grace and mercy on you each and every heartbeat you have every breath you take too.... God shows abundant grace and mercy towards you because he loves you unconditionally...

Put faith in God, ....sometimes life is like that you know...where everything is fine and dandy until one day theres a huge mountain you have to climb over to get to the other side and you have to deal with but its ok just remember that The Lord is with you, the same person who created Earth space and heaven..the same one who led moses and the hebrews out of captivity and the same one who laughs at the wisdom that men proclaim to have.

Keep onhold of God and pray and have fellowship with him sister...