Is He or She..God's will for you ?

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HOW DO YOU KNOW IF HE IS GOD'S WILL FOR YOU?
by Rev. Angelika R. Heimann, inStrengths Ministries

Are you in a relationship with the *right one* for the right reasons?
Or are you just in love with love?
Love is NOT enough!

We all want to be sure that the person we envisage to spend the rest of our lives with IS the right one.
There are so many reasons why we should want to be with the ‘right’ one! Am I implying that there is just *one* person *ever* earmarked by God, and should you miss ‘that’ specific one you’ve had it?? No, not at all!
God is gracious and merciful far more than we can imagine, and He’s always looking for ways to bless us with what He knows is best for us, and He directs our desires.

He also knows our paths and what’s ahead of us, He made us, after all. So He knows which people are best for us to be aligned with to be the best we’re created to be.
Many people stumble into relationships for whatever reasons, and then get married. Some manage to get to know each other after many hurdles, and come to love each other more. Others, despite obstacles, have heard His voice in their hearts, saying, ‘that’s the one I have for you’, and are growing, blossoming and thriving!

Unfortunately there are even more people who think they know that they are with the right one, only to find out much later they wound up in a heartbreak, pain, torment ... and divorce.

Too many times have I heard this scripture:

"So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate." (Matthew 19:6 NKJV)

.... used by well meaning Christians as a shackle against those hurt and damaged seeking a divorce. Yes, God hates divorce, but a very high percentage of Christian marriages were never put together by Him. And if we had been diligent in paying attention, we would have come to know His warning signs.
Maybe you're with the right person, and you know it, but you're loving wrong. You and your partner may have poor communication habits. You may not know how to create real intimacy. Maybe you don't know how ask for what you want, and end up feeling resentful. Or, maybe you've been neglecting the relationship .....
Then again, you may be with the wrong person. Deep down in your heart you know. It might show up in various ways such as your love or life-style is incompatible with each other. Maybe you do not share enough common values and commitments. ...


How to get it right BEFORE the 'I do':

So, it would make sense seeking His will beforehand and making absolutely sure that it is God who does the joining, and not a myriad of other good sounding reasons, or pressure from family and church members.

A good starting point is to use the same prayer the apostles prayed when they sought for a replacement for Judas, and adapt it appropriately:

"And they prayed and said, "You, O Lord, who know the hearts of all, show which of these two You have chosen to take part in this ministry and apostleship from which Judas by transgression fell, that he might go to his own place." (Acts 1:24,25 NKJV)

..... "You, O Lord, who know the hearts of all, show who You have chosen" ......

The following are some tips and food for thought from one of my seminar/workshops* that will point you into the right direction.

 

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FIRST KEY: Practicing intimacy with Him and His presence

Folks, there absolutely are no shortcuts, there is no way to have a joyous, harmonious, lasting marriage where both of you continue to grow in Him, without Him being intimately involved. You two can go to all sorts of church activities, prayer meetings, Bible school classes together, BUT unless each one of you develops your own intimacy with Him, you're cutting off your most vital lifeline in your quest for a happy life with another human being.

You need to first fall in love with Him, allow His love heal any past wounds, let Him love you to wholeness, let His love nourish you, feast on His everlasting goodness, let His joy bring you to new strengths. Only when you know that you know that you are complete in Him, will you be able to successfully be with another. The more you receive His love, the more your heart will burn with love for Him.

Learn and practice stillness

Come before Him in quietness of spirit, mind, and body. Create an atmosphere of stillness. This is vital if we wish to experience a deep, loving communion with our Lord.
Now, this might take some practice and discipline to achieve, but it is worth it beyond description.
There are various ways in which you can create this atmosphere of stillness, even in the midst of a noisy city road, if need be, but this is beyond the scope of this Blog.

As you enter into His rest by faith, believing that He has heard your request for showing you His choice of the right life partner for you, then expect Him to answer you His way, and not the way you expect Him to.In other words, don't put God in a box.Yes, there may be times when He speaks through some prophets, maybe even in an audible voice. But more often than not, He speaks to you through the many seemingly insignificant things we tend to ignore or brush aside as not important or irrelevant.

Pay attention, be alert! Yes, the Spirit of God has also been known to use your mind and reasoning capacity to speak to you. After all, He was the one who created the brain in the first place, but to be used with a surrendered heart toward Him.

In my seminars and workshops I like to challenge participants not only in the spiritual arena, but also in the practical.
So many people think if they pray and fast long enough, everything will be ok. Well, maybe this is in your case, but maybe God also speaks to you in the practical realm, combining faith and works.
Part of the *works* is really getting to know yourself and your loved one .... but before you focus on your loved one, you must understand how and why you tick first.

Why would you need to know yourself really well? There are several reasons. People who do not spend enough time getting a thorough understanding of themselves, wind up doing the same mistakes over and over again, and somehow never getting out of the loop. A sad classic example is, women who were in abusive relationships, wind up in the next relationship that is abusive too.

Yes, we need to trust God explicitly that He guides us every step of the way. But, by the same token, He does not want us to be ignorant and perish for lack of knowledge. So, when we get an understanding of why certain situations exist, or we permitted certain situations to remain in our lives, can we break out of the pain element of them, or at least love with our eyes open as a conscious service or sacrifice.

Another very important reason as to why we need to really get to know ourselves first, so we can communicate more effectively about what is important to us with our loved ones.

And the same applies for your partner/spouse. The better they know themselves, the more effective they are in communicating themselves to you.
This helps tremendously in avoiding all sorts of misunderstandings between the couple. When one is assuming that the other one wants/needs/ meant this or that.
One of the first areas for you to get a good grasp with is your own needs.
Why your own needs? Isn't that selfish?? No it isn't!

You see if you don't know your own needs, they will surprisingly still be there and show up when you may least want to, and can create an unpleasant situation. If however you know you own needs you can then behave with precision, either put them on the backburner in order to give preference to your loved one's needs or communicate your needs in a fair to you both ways.

The same applies to your loved one. If they don't know their needs, and have not communicated them to you sufficiently, how can you satisfy and bless them effectively?

 

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SECOND KEY: Know yourself well – really do your homework!
What are your needs? Do you really know your needs?

Some folk interpret needs or requirements as a sign of weakness, and that we should take responsibility for our needs and not rely on a partner to meet them.

Whilst it's commendable to take responsibility for our own needs as much as possible, in reality, however, a relationship may be unsuccessful if there is not enough alignment/compatibility to meet each other's needs and/or desires.

Let's have a look at the difference between needs and neediness:

The dictionary defines *NEED* as a condition marked by the lack of something wanted or deemed necessary, requisite.
In other words, needs are quite normal, valid and important. Every human being has needs, including healthy, successful folk, in order to survive and thrive. They must be met by taking responsibility and initiative. Usually, unmet needs motivate action, and met needs results in contentment.

*NEEDINESS* on the other hand is, as the dictionary defines it: the quality of needing attention and affection and reassurance especially to an excessive and marked degree.
Thus, neediness comes from a place of desperation, helplessness and frequently is driven by emotionally felt deficits resulting in a helpless/victim position, insatiable, always needing more, and unfortunately resulting in repulsing others. Neediness tends to be a sieve that will be empty regardless of how much you put into it.

So, we all have needs, and that's not a problem or sign of weakness. Our ability to identify our needs and get them met determines our level of happiness and success.
You will need to clearly identify your core Requirements, Functional and Emotional needs.

Problem with a lot of people is, that they don't really know what they need and want: "I'll recognise it - know what I want - when I see it" is so often what I hear. However, it could be there right in front of their nose, yet they can't 'see the wood for the trees'. In other words, unless you know what you're looking for, you won't find it.
Here are samples of some basic needs:
Affection
Conversation
Recreational companionship
Admiration
Financial support
Openness
Domestic support
Sexual fulfillment
Family commitment ...... you'll probably have more or different ones.

Explore your needs, and then write them down as a list in a long-term hierarchy of priorities. Why is this so important? You see, once you're married, and the core first needs are met, now the rest of the needs become priority.
Then, once the met needs are taken for granted, they do not appear on the initial urgency list anymore ....... plus people's priorities change with age.

People do change – couples either converge (joint interests, matched needs, move forward together) - or diverge (move toward separate interests - but this works only if core issues are met).

What are your core values? – Your personal values aligned with Biblical values?

Values govern your entire life, whether you are aware of them or not. Values are like the executive level of judgment in the human heart.
They are the base that defines our responses to any given situation in life. Our values also change, certainly since you became a Christian, some of your values would have changed, or at least aligned to Biblical values.Certain values are so fundamental that you refuse to have them violated.

Apart from the must-adhere-to Biblical core values, here's a list of some other important ones featuring in intimate relationships:
Love
Respect
Spiritual unity
Growth
Support
Honesty
Freedom
Mutual communication
Fun
Ecstasy
Challenge
Creativity
Beauty
Attraction There are many more. Explore all the values that are crucially important to you, write them down, and then rank them in order of importance, systematically, with number one as the most important, etc.

Ranking is not an easy process; you'll have to ask yourself some deep and searching questions, as to why you'd rank one value above another. .... Well, you'll get to know yourself!
It'll help you to understand why you had a problem with someone; clearly, the other person had a different set of priorities in their values to you.

If, for example your primary value in a relationship is love, then ask yourself, "What makes me feel loved?" or, "What causes me to love someone?" or, "How do I know when I'm not loved?"
Needs and Values should be matching in a good relationship

... and you won't have a clue if they might match or not, if you don't know them and have a thorough understanding. You need to really get to know yourself first, before you can have a hope of really knowing the one you intend to get married to.
Too many people get married with miss-matched need and values, only to find out later how very unhappy they've become.

Knowing needs and values are not the only areas where you need to come to have a good understanding of yourself and your loved one.

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What about understanding your personality?
Are you forceful, decisive and dominant with a tendency to be a strong individualist; forward-looking, progressive and compete to achieve your goals?

Or, do you have the ability to value equally results and people, naturally participative who works well with others and dislikes detailed work?
Or, are you outgoing and enthusiastic, seeking favourable social networks, able to inspire and create enthusiasm in others, whilst being verbally effusive?
Or, are you a warm, understanding and sociable individual who strives for positive relationships with others?
Or, are you an affable, amiable, steady individual who gets on well with others, with your moderate, controlled stance, you're patient and considerate, patient and always willing to support, and help those who you consider friends?

Or, do you tend to be independent and objective, a careful, cautious, conventional person who is diplomatic and sincere, very loyal, precise and disciplined with high standards and expectations of yourself?
Or, are you a creative and abstract thinker who can suffer from unpredictable brilliance and conflict in strategic decision-making, with a great speed of thought?

What are your irritants, your stress signals? What are your disconnecting and your alleviating behaviours?
What are your key strengths? What are your blind-spots?
What motivates you and encourages you – or discourages you?

Understanding yourself and understanding your compatibility with your loved one is so important.

You may say, "Phew, this is so much work, surely God can just tell me if I'm with the right one for my life!" Sure He can, but like with Adam, God told him to tend the garden, which means really knowing the garden. Your and my garden is our life and our life together.
God does speak to us through so many things; He even uses your brain. So, pay attention! Pay attention to details!

If you see particular qualities in your loved one that don't add up with your needs and values, and you sense that God gives you warning signals, GET OUT!! It can only lead to heartbreak in the future. Allow yourself to turn back at the first signs of a shipwreck even if you really like this person.

Be careful if restrictions on your personality are placed on you, or you are given 'guilt trips' in order to get you to conform to what they want. That person might be a walking time bomb. Watch out for even the slightest abusive behaviour, as it's been known to escalate later down the road. Be your own person, the person God created you to be! As someone wisely said, "The oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow".

Marriage is a full-time job. If you just want a living arrangement, then you can just wear a ring, come home at night, and have a room-mate. A high-level marriage isn't just a ring and a piece of paper -- it's the way you treat each other every day, it's a covenant in love.

How will you treat each other every day? According to the 'Golden Rule'? 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you' ?
Or, are you ready to progress to the 'Platinum Rule' – 'Do unto others as they would have you do unto them' ?

We're all different, loving someone else as they need to be loved, requires thorough understanding of them, which first starts with understanding ourselves.

Sure it is a lot of work, and unfortunately a lot of people think, "Oh it'll work out ok, If we have enough love for each other, God will surely bless it." This thinking is a disaster in the making!! Don't go down that route!

"For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has enough to finish it— lest, after he has laid the foundation, and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, 'This man began to build and was not able to finish'? Or what king, going to make war against another king, does not sit down first and consider whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? Or else, while the other is still a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks conditions of peace." (Luke 14:28-32 NKJV)

Having the right person as your spouse is particularly important if you are called into ministry!Sadly, I have seen too many ministries and churches fall apart because the spouse was not in agreement, and the 'war' in the intimate domain cut short that vision, mission and assignment of God.
So, precious ones, be diligent, never forsake growing in intimacy with Him, and His Word as it is a light on your path.Pay attention to the details He points out to you, and heed any warning that He might give you.

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