Sometimes it just feels like we have to deal with to many issues all at the same time. I understand trials and tribulation is a part of life, but man.... its tough when your under attack from so many different angles. being judged, being attacked, being critisised. All this while your trying your BEST to follow Jesus, asking yourself what would Jesus do, and trying to please God. And you pray on it of course, and you try to be strong and do whats right. But man... when i do somehow feed into the negativity and stumble some in my walk because of the pressure, im now carrying the bag of guilt, feeling like I just took five steps back. I'm not saying this to sound faithless. I refuse to give up or turn back. I am on this spiritual journey for life, and I have faith that God will pull me through. When your going through the situation... at the moment that you stumble, this is the way I feel...at this exact moment. I just want to get to that point where i dont get out of my character because of something somebody else said to me because i feel that I need to defend myself, causing me to comprimise my relationship with God. I want to get to the point where i dont feed into certain conversations which I feel may be gossip. Afterwards, I feel guilty...like a hipocrite. I cant live like that. God comes first. Pleasing Him comes first, and when I stumble, no one is harder on me than me. I know i beat myself up because I keep messing up. I feel like when am I going to ever get it together when it comes to my walk with God? but I still believe that God loves me, God forgives me, and I still have a chance. I will get it together. I have to keep the faith no matter what. Otherwise, I have nothing else to live for. I live for God. prior to having my son, I felt so lonely and unloved that I contiplated suicide, I felt that much pain. Even though I know i never had the real courage to go through with it. Plus I knew God had a plan for my life since childhood. Thats what I believe. Not to mention that I personally dont think you go to heaven if you kill yourself. Plus, now that im a mother, suicide really isnt an option. My son is my responsibility, no one but God is going to love him or care for him better than me but God. Im a single mother on top of that, my son needs me. So I have some things to live for. No matter how bad the situation looks at times, even when the obstacles are comiing from all angles, even when i slip and stumble, I HAVE to get back up, I HAVE to believe, I CANT give up. I NEED GOD. GOD CANT leave me. I would die without him, loose my mind with no purpose. If God gave up on me...... I cant even IMAGINE what i would do or where i would be. Lets just say you'd be looking at a cold hearted ruthless person who didnt love or trust a single soul in the world besides my baby boy, my son, the one I bore. But because I am trusting that God still loves me and is still here for me, I can still love me. I can love others. God forgives me, I forgive myself, I forgive others. And when I slip in my walk spiritually and it hurts me to know that i was disobedient to God, I will repent and try my best again to never do it again because i cant take the guilt afterwards. I just needed to vent I guess. Just my inner feelings at this moment. Who knows... maybe you can relate. Maybe this can be helpful...or maybe you can say something that may help me. Hey... you might know the perfect scripture to reply with for encouragement, or maybe a prayer. But no matter what, regardless if anyone replies with support, or regardless if anyone relates or prays for me... I will pray for myself. I will search the word of God for myself. Because its up to me to change no matter what. The bible says seek and you shall find, so it is I that shall seek.
