life4christ
Member
- Joined
- Feb 19, 2006
- Messages
- 25
Hey anybody who reads this.
I have been through so much lately and I really need to talk to someone and get some Christian advice, because I feel like I'm letting myself slip into depression and I'm cutting myself off from my youth pastor and christian friends, and the worse I get, the harder it is to turn to them... so I need help.
I have been a Christian for my whole life, and God has given me so many promises and so much to live for that I have never feared the future and I have always loved the life he gave me.
Then, while I was on a one year student exchange two years ago, I had my world thrown upside down for the worst, leaving me in a state of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, except that I couldn't talk to anyone about it because over there I was forced to keep it in or suffer for it. Now I feel like I can't reach out to anyone, and since then, my mother has had and been treated for breast cancer and had her knee reconstructed, which has thrown our whole family out of whack.
After a while, I realised that i was nolonger enjoying life, and I even started to slip into depression. I didn't accept that it was true until i found myself even hating who I had become, which I had never done because I have always been so secure in God's plans for my life, but suddenly, even the clearest visions he had given me seemed completely far away, and I thought that I had fallen off his plans for me.
THen i started to get scared all the time. Every night I cry, but every time I am with someone i can talk to, I feel happier, and so I don't want to ruin the moment by remembering the tough side to my life, and then I find myself once again blocking my friends. I talk to everyone and everything, but NOBODY actually knows how stuck and depressed I am, and I hate it because now it really feels like there is nobody.
THen today, everything just crashed. A while ago, I wrote an anonymous letter to my youth pastor, telling her everything that I felt and how it was so hard, but i didnt want to address it, because of shame. I hoped that she would see it and want to help whoever it was, and then i wanted to tell her it was me and talk to her about everything, that way she would already know, and it was just so hard to bring up in a conversation. more than anyone, she is the person that i want to talk to, but I find it so hard. Anyway, i never heard about the letter, so i tried to forget it. THen today, while i was with her, she found the letter and started reading it.
When she was reading it, she kept on commenting on how it didn't have anyones name and seemed to find it all ridiculous, and I felt so stupid for writing it, because I realised that it was so extreme and almost unfair, and now I am scared because there were som e really personal things in it, and I don't want her to know it was me unless I know she would take it more seriously... but if I don't say anything, then I'm worried that she will show the other leaders, and that one of them will recognise my writing, and then they will all know.
I don't know what to do. I feel so far from God and suddenly it feels like I'm in a mess i can't get out of, and I can't seem to reach Jesus! Its like I've forgotten how to reach him, and I just need someone to talk to and give me godly advice! I cant hear his voice, but i need some kind of assurance or something, because while it was just a letter, I feel like it could ruin how she thinks of me, and even though I know it wouldn't, I just want her to understand it and i want to talk with her, because I have nobody else right now!
Sorry that this is long, but I am in such confusion and I'm scared. I can't stand the thought of her finding out it was me, but even more, I can't stand the thought of anyone else seeing that letter... I just wish it never existed.
I have been through so much lately and I really need to talk to someone and get some Christian advice, because I feel like I'm letting myself slip into depression and I'm cutting myself off from my youth pastor and christian friends, and the worse I get, the harder it is to turn to them... so I need help.
I have been a Christian for my whole life, and God has given me so many promises and so much to live for that I have never feared the future and I have always loved the life he gave me.
Then, while I was on a one year student exchange two years ago, I had my world thrown upside down for the worst, leaving me in a state of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, except that I couldn't talk to anyone about it because over there I was forced to keep it in or suffer for it. Now I feel like I can't reach out to anyone, and since then, my mother has had and been treated for breast cancer and had her knee reconstructed, which has thrown our whole family out of whack.
After a while, I realised that i was nolonger enjoying life, and I even started to slip into depression. I didn't accept that it was true until i found myself even hating who I had become, which I had never done because I have always been so secure in God's plans for my life, but suddenly, even the clearest visions he had given me seemed completely far away, and I thought that I had fallen off his plans for me.
THen i started to get scared all the time. Every night I cry, but every time I am with someone i can talk to, I feel happier, and so I don't want to ruin the moment by remembering the tough side to my life, and then I find myself once again blocking my friends. I talk to everyone and everything, but NOBODY actually knows how stuck and depressed I am, and I hate it because now it really feels like there is nobody.
THen today, everything just crashed. A while ago, I wrote an anonymous letter to my youth pastor, telling her everything that I felt and how it was so hard, but i didnt want to address it, because of shame. I hoped that she would see it and want to help whoever it was, and then i wanted to tell her it was me and talk to her about everything, that way she would already know, and it was just so hard to bring up in a conversation. more than anyone, she is the person that i want to talk to, but I find it so hard. Anyway, i never heard about the letter, so i tried to forget it. THen today, while i was with her, she found the letter and started reading it.
When she was reading it, she kept on commenting on how it didn't have anyones name and seemed to find it all ridiculous, and I felt so stupid for writing it, because I realised that it was so extreme and almost unfair, and now I am scared because there were som e really personal things in it, and I don't want her to know it was me unless I know she would take it more seriously... but if I don't say anything, then I'm worried that she will show the other leaders, and that one of them will recognise my writing, and then they will all know.
I don't know what to do. I feel so far from God and suddenly it feels like I'm in a mess i can't get out of, and I can't seem to reach Jesus! Its like I've forgotten how to reach him, and I just need someone to talk to and give me godly advice! I cant hear his voice, but i need some kind of assurance or something, because while it was just a letter, I feel like it could ruin how she thinks of me, and even though I know it wouldn't, I just want her to understand it and i want to talk with her, because I have nobody else right now!
Sorry that this is long, but I am in such confusion and I'm scared. I can't stand the thought of her finding out it was me, but even more, I can't stand the thought of anyone else seeing that letter... I just wish it never existed.
