KingMing1992
Member
- Joined
- Oct 4, 2019
- Messages
- 2
Hey there,
This is my first post here. Not really sure what to expect, but I feel the need to speak with other Christians and to get some clarification from your opinions on things and to vent a bit.
Well, for starters I'm beginning to feel like Job. I've lost almost every thing within one week. Kinda unreal, aha. Started with an issue with my family that tore the entire family apart. I lost my position at work, which was a comfy little gig, though I've been meaning to leave. And lastly, I lost my girlfriend, normally that wouldn't be that big of a deal, but both of us were convinced that we were made for each other. It really felt as if God had lead us to one another, just through some very coincidental ways.
I'm pretty torn up about losing what I perceived to be my life partner, which I had thought God brought me to. Now here's the kicker, almost as if this is a really cruel practical joke. She lives practically next to me. I love in a townhouse condo, she lives with her parents on the corner of the road that leads to my place. Well, I can't leave or return home without having to stop next to her house. On top of it all, I got her a job at the company I work for. She's going to be doing the scheduling on weekends, so I'll be getting both emails and calls from her. Makes me wonder why I get put into these situations. As with everyone of my exes, I've just blocked them out for good and don't speak to them.
Anywho, we had met at some point back in 2013, she was dating an acquaintance of mine for some time. Never had any attraction to her, or even payed much attention to her. Around 2016 one of our mutual friends used her to get to me because we lived so close, and that friend and I began dating for a couple months. Things didn't pan out, we broke up. So my recent ex and I had begun hanging out just as friends. Getting to know each other and all that good stuff.
A few months later, her boyfriend of the time left her, as I friend I was there, coaching her though the grief and keeping her busy. About a month later she tells me how she was falling for me, we began dating (even though I knew it's too soon) and it felt perfect. I knew I had nothing to worry about with her. Never had that fairy tale love before. Mind you, this was building up since the summer when we began getting to know one another. So, it being to soon, hee ex spoke with her, she wanted to break it off. I agreed, but I was actually heart broken. Took me a long while to get over it. I continued on with life, met another girl, got stuck in a year of pure hell. While she went back with her ex.
Last summer, she began complaining about her ex, and I tried to encourage her to stay and communicate. Long story short, she ended up leaving him. I recall her poking around for info about my relationship when she was still with her partner at the time. She knew things weren't good in my relationship either. I had left my relationship about a month after she ended her's. I had to get out of mine or it would've killed me. It was a very controlling and abusive relationship.
So, my recent ex and I hung out one night, when it was time for her to leave, she seemed hesitant to do so. I had asked her if she still had those feelings for me. She said yes, and that she prayed to God that he'd let her know if I still felt that way about her *spoiler alert!* I did. Well, we had gotten together, and as if the universe was aligned, everything was great. We already did love one another and we were excited about the future and having a family one day.
Over the last 2 months she became slightly distant when we'd hang out, but over texting and talking on the phone everything was good. I figured she was struggling with issues at home and that it would pass. I was there for her to help and comfort her. Just these last two weeks she began getting more weird. Two weeks ago she had an interview at my company, I helped her get it after she saw an opening and me having a good feeling about it. Plus she was in need of a job, the hours were perfect for her. When she got the job I was ecstatic and extremely proud of her. The next day anxiety began hitting me after I heard a song that I listened to a lot after the first time we had split up. Then shortly after my buddy at work had mistaken me saying that my girl and I had broken up after I had told him I had to break up a fight. In hindsight I suspect God was saying something that day.
The days leading up to that she began acting a little odd. I figured it was nerves about starting the new job, knowing that she didn't want make a bad impression. I drove her in for 8:30 everyday went back home to get an hour or two of sleep before I would have to go into work. She was horribly distant and cold throughout the week, I was under heavy stress and anxiety knowing something was up. Last Friday I prayed to God before I went to sleep. I had this weird feeling of calmness and understanding that it was coming to an end. I decided not to say a word to her until she said something to me.
Saturday night she sends me a long message saying how she's been fighting these feelings of wanting to be alone and how she hasn't fully gotten over her ex, and how she thought that being with me was the right path. *hurtsman.jpeg*
I told her I was expecting this and I would be cutting contact and that it was very bad timing for all of this to happen (regarding family and losing my job).
Blocked her out of my contacts on Facebook and phone. I was and still am in a bit of shock. I think the stress of the job and what was happening with her family played a big part in this. But when I needed a rock to lean on, it ran. I've been staying with my dad for the past week. I needed a change of scenery and time away from the city.
Obviously I'm angry with her. She was very upset and weeping when she apologized for hurting me the first time. She knew how bad she hurt me and said that she wouldn't do it again. I'm confused and hurting right now. It's not as bad as the first time, as I was more prepared for an outcome like this.
I kept telling myself that she isn't coming back, and I really believe she isn't, plus I don't think I would want to be with someone who did that to me, in my time of need. Just the fact that I have to receive emails from her about available shifts and having to pass by her place every time I leave or come home. Dunno why I would be put in a situation like this.
So anyways, I've been contemplating on what to do. I kinda want to just leave home for a little while. One of my exes popped up, I added her back to Facebook and am considering getting into contact with her, she lives pretty far away so it would be nice to go on a road trip and catch up with an old friend. But I do realize I'm hurting, lonely and looking for a distraction from pain. I've also lost contact with my friends due to this last relationship. I'm having trouble discerning my own will from God's. I'd believe he wouldn't condone me talking with my ex, even my dad said if I wanted to make things work with my recent ex that he wouldn't talk to an ex.
But last night, I was watching something about biblical history and this popped up, it kinda spoke to me in a profound way.
“every river flows into the sea, but the sea is not yet full. The water returns to where the rivers began, and starts all over again.” – Ecclesiastes 1:7, TEV
Kinda taking it as either of talking to my ex, or just to start over. Been thinking about this stuff the last couple days. But, I'm not sure if I should just wait a bit and see if things can be worked out, though I think that's just a pipe dream, and like I said I don't think I'd want to.
As I was thinking through things today, I had a thought pop in my head about my recent ex eventually dating a friend of ours, as the 3 of us were always ha ging out. I know he had a crush on my ex for a while, though she had feelings for me and sees him as a friend. He kinda just disappeared and hasn't contacted either of us in 7 months. I never made and attempt because I was afraid he would be upset. But when I had that thought, I kinda felt weird. My body had a calm cold feeling all through it, and I instantly became angry with God, thinking he may have told me what was going to happen. In anger I said "if that's the case, I'm done with you. That'll only hurt me further. When is enough enough? Why are you doing this?"
My question about this is, would God send you a thought like that, that would bring up anger like that? I have never been provoked by him like that. Not sure if that was a test to see how I'd react or what.
Anyway, I apologize for the blog post/novel. Don't feel compelled to respond if it's too much. Just needed to vent.
Thanks, and God bless everyone.
This is my first post here. Not really sure what to expect, but I feel the need to speak with other Christians and to get some clarification from your opinions on things and to vent a bit.
Well, for starters I'm beginning to feel like Job. I've lost almost every thing within one week. Kinda unreal, aha. Started with an issue with my family that tore the entire family apart. I lost my position at work, which was a comfy little gig, though I've been meaning to leave. And lastly, I lost my girlfriend, normally that wouldn't be that big of a deal, but both of us were convinced that we were made for each other. It really felt as if God had lead us to one another, just through some very coincidental ways.
I'm pretty torn up about losing what I perceived to be my life partner, which I had thought God brought me to. Now here's the kicker, almost as if this is a really cruel practical joke. She lives practically next to me. I love in a townhouse condo, she lives with her parents on the corner of the road that leads to my place. Well, I can't leave or return home without having to stop next to her house. On top of it all, I got her a job at the company I work for. She's going to be doing the scheduling on weekends, so I'll be getting both emails and calls from her. Makes me wonder why I get put into these situations. As with everyone of my exes, I've just blocked them out for good and don't speak to them.
Anywho, we had met at some point back in 2013, she was dating an acquaintance of mine for some time. Never had any attraction to her, or even payed much attention to her. Around 2016 one of our mutual friends used her to get to me because we lived so close, and that friend and I began dating for a couple months. Things didn't pan out, we broke up. So my recent ex and I had begun hanging out just as friends. Getting to know each other and all that good stuff.
A few months later, her boyfriend of the time left her, as I friend I was there, coaching her though the grief and keeping her busy. About a month later she tells me how she was falling for me, we began dating (even though I knew it's too soon) and it felt perfect. I knew I had nothing to worry about with her. Never had that fairy tale love before. Mind you, this was building up since the summer when we began getting to know one another. So, it being to soon, hee ex spoke with her, she wanted to break it off. I agreed, but I was actually heart broken. Took me a long while to get over it. I continued on with life, met another girl, got stuck in a year of pure hell. While she went back with her ex.
Last summer, she began complaining about her ex, and I tried to encourage her to stay and communicate. Long story short, she ended up leaving him. I recall her poking around for info about my relationship when she was still with her partner at the time. She knew things weren't good in my relationship either. I had left my relationship about a month after she ended her's. I had to get out of mine or it would've killed me. It was a very controlling and abusive relationship.
So, my recent ex and I hung out one night, when it was time for her to leave, she seemed hesitant to do so. I had asked her if she still had those feelings for me. She said yes, and that she prayed to God that he'd let her know if I still felt that way about her *spoiler alert!* I did. Well, we had gotten together, and as if the universe was aligned, everything was great. We already did love one another and we were excited about the future and having a family one day.
Over the last 2 months she became slightly distant when we'd hang out, but over texting and talking on the phone everything was good. I figured she was struggling with issues at home and that it would pass. I was there for her to help and comfort her. Just these last two weeks she began getting more weird. Two weeks ago she had an interview at my company, I helped her get it after she saw an opening and me having a good feeling about it. Plus she was in need of a job, the hours were perfect for her. When she got the job I was ecstatic and extremely proud of her. The next day anxiety began hitting me after I heard a song that I listened to a lot after the first time we had split up. Then shortly after my buddy at work had mistaken me saying that my girl and I had broken up after I had told him I had to break up a fight. In hindsight I suspect God was saying something that day.
The days leading up to that she began acting a little odd. I figured it was nerves about starting the new job, knowing that she didn't want make a bad impression. I drove her in for 8:30 everyday went back home to get an hour or two of sleep before I would have to go into work. She was horribly distant and cold throughout the week, I was under heavy stress and anxiety knowing something was up. Last Friday I prayed to God before I went to sleep. I had this weird feeling of calmness and understanding that it was coming to an end. I decided not to say a word to her until she said something to me.
Saturday night she sends me a long message saying how she's been fighting these feelings of wanting to be alone and how she hasn't fully gotten over her ex, and how she thought that being with me was the right path. *hurtsman.jpeg*
I told her I was expecting this and I would be cutting contact and that it was very bad timing for all of this to happen (regarding family and losing my job).
Blocked her out of my contacts on Facebook and phone. I was and still am in a bit of shock. I think the stress of the job and what was happening with her family played a big part in this. But when I needed a rock to lean on, it ran. I've been staying with my dad for the past week. I needed a change of scenery and time away from the city.
Obviously I'm angry with her. She was very upset and weeping when she apologized for hurting me the first time. She knew how bad she hurt me and said that she wouldn't do it again. I'm confused and hurting right now. It's not as bad as the first time, as I was more prepared for an outcome like this.
I kept telling myself that she isn't coming back, and I really believe she isn't, plus I don't think I would want to be with someone who did that to me, in my time of need. Just the fact that I have to receive emails from her about available shifts and having to pass by her place every time I leave or come home. Dunno why I would be put in a situation like this.
So anyways, I've been contemplating on what to do. I kinda want to just leave home for a little while. One of my exes popped up, I added her back to Facebook and am considering getting into contact with her, she lives pretty far away so it would be nice to go on a road trip and catch up with an old friend. But I do realize I'm hurting, lonely and looking for a distraction from pain. I've also lost contact with my friends due to this last relationship. I'm having trouble discerning my own will from God's. I'd believe he wouldn't condone me talking with my ex, even my dad said if I wanted to make things work with my recent ex that he wouldn't talk to an ex.
But last night, I was watching something about biblical history and this popped up, it kinda spoke to me in a profound way.
“every river flows into the sea, but the sea is not yet full. The water returns to where the rivers began, and starts all over again.” – Ecclesiastes 1:7, TEV
Kinda taking it as either of talking to my ex, or just to start over. Been thinking about this stuff the last couple days. But, I'm not sure if I should just wait a bit and see if things can be worked out, though I think that's just a pipe dream, and like I said I don't think I'd want to.
As I was thinking through things today, I had a thought pop in my head about my recent ex eventually dating a friend of ours, as the 3 of us were always ha ging out. I know he had a crush on my ex for a while, though she had feelings for me and sees him as a friend. He kinda just disappeared and hasn't contacted either of us in 7 months. I never made and attempt because I was afraid he would be upset. But when I had that thought, I kinda felt weird. My body had a calm cold feeling all through it, and I instantly became angry with God, thinking he may have told me what was going to happen. In anger I said "if that's the case, I'm done with you. That'll only hurt me further. When is enough enough? Why are you doing this?"
My question about this is, would God send you a thought like that, that would bring up anger like that? I have never been provoked by him like that. Not sure if that was a test to see how I'd react or what.
Anyway, I apologize for the blog post/novel. Don't feel compelled to respond if it's too much. Just needed to vent.
Thanks, and God bless everyone.
