Lost, hurting and so uncertain of wanting to live anymore.

[Shiloh]

August 21, 2014

I don't know where to begin. I have been depressed for months. Very little has be encouraging for me. One thing has been hanging out with my exboyfriend at times (due to I still love him and he hasn't moved on to newer girlfriend yet) as we are like two peas in a pod. It has been hard as he lives two hours away. He stopped talking to me over a week ago. Of course, I was worried as it wasn't like him. Then I got a call from a mutual friend. She wanted to tell me something that she heard from my exboyfriend's brother (they had dated). She told me that Nathaniel (my exboyfriend's brother) told her that my exboyfriend said he was gay. Sigh.

Now, I haven't heard this from my exboyfriend, but I am so very hurt. This is a guy who was very upset that his exwife cheated on him, and destroyed his family. He hated that he was betrayed by her. This is a guy that wanted to marry me, wanted to have a child with me at one time. He was very passionate and loving with me for a while, during our relationship. A guy that loved skinny, redheads (which I am not and fought to be skinnier so I could be more appealing to him). A man that wanted an honest woman, that was loyal, intelligent, witty, passionate about things, etc. I was all those things for a while. He dumped me because he didn't feel in love with me anymore.

He got a job in May, which I was so proud of him for. I met his boss/manager in June, and we got together for drinks. His boss is gay. And Daniel told me that George thought he was cute. Daniel laughed it off, but said he didn't swing that way. He looked unconformable at times when George would say things to him, but he laughed it off, because he knew George was teasing him. George was very charismatic, and I was taken by his flair of passion and intelligence.

I am so very broken about this news. I haven't told many people as I haven't heard this from Daniel and I don't want to let on to it. I want him to tell me. But he hasn't talked to me at all. I was already depression and now I have reached my limit. I can't pray. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I have a hard time getting out of bed. I just don't care anymore about anything. I am shattered beyond repair. One friend laughed and thought it was funny and said it is better, this way as now I can move on and find someone else. It hurt so bad. He laughed. He laughed like it was something funny. How can I tell anyone to get help with my pain if that is how people see it. And how can someone move on when my heart has loved and still loves him. I have dated before, but never found someone like Daniel that had so many likes, passions, hobbies like my own. We clicked so well like we had known each for years. I dated him for a year in a half.

Now, I can't deal with much more. I really can't. I have been thinking about killing myself, because not like anyone cares anymore. My parents are either too busy (my mother) or my father and stepmother are too busy with my other adult siblings to even communicate with me. I really have no friends. I haven't went to church in about 2 years, I don't read my bible. I am a terrible Christian. A horrible daughter. Just a burden in society because I am not out there helping others, like I use too.

I am not the same person I was 9 months ago. I am not the same person I was 2 years ago.

I just can't live with the pain. The failure, the worthlessness, the disappointment, the ignorance.

I know I am a horrible Christian. I don't ask God for help because, honestly, why would he help me? Whatever I have done that deserves a special favor. Others get blessed with happiness such as their own family and loved ones. But me, never.

I know I should look to the brighter side of things. I don't have any. My whole life has been nothing but a struggle to keep my head above water. From being molested by my father, my parents shipping me from one parent to another. Mental, emotional and physical abuse as a child and teen. Being assaulted by my stepfather when I was 17 years old. Suffering from two miscarriages (children I so wanted). Men lying to me, cheating on me, dumping me for someone better like skinnier, redheads, blondes, someone younger.

What good am I? No one wants a broken doll. And that is what I am. I have always struggled to rise above my past. I went to college I paid for myself. I bought my own home (a trailer). I own my own car. I have worked the same job for 16 years. I have always worked and worked 2 or 3 jobs in my early 20's and 30's to pay for my college and home.

Sigh, I just want the pain to stop and be happy for once. And not worry about someone hurting me because I am not good enough. I have never been good enough. I wasn't good enough for my father to keep custody of me, because my stepmother didn't like me. She wanted her own family. I wasn't good enough for my mother because that little girl that loved frilly dresses when she got custody of me when I was 12 (she wanted a girl that wasn't a tomboy) I am not good enough for guys because I am not skinny enough, my hair isn't super long, I am not a redhead, I am not pretty, and I don't make a lot of money. I am never good enough for people, so why am I even here? Nobody cares. . .

I don't even know why I am writing this. Maybe because I am trying so desperately to escape the pain. Trying to escape my mind. Trying to escape that I am really no longer wanted here and that I haven't been in a very long time. Happiness is so fleeting in my life that it scares me to be happy because I know it leaves so quickly. It hurts to see people so happy with their families and friends. They are living a life, and I am just surviving something that doesn't really want me here. No use hiding it or faking it anymore with people at work or people I know.

I just hurt. I hurt so much that I can't handle it anymore. I can't talk to anyone. I just want to die so badly. I can't handle this anymore.

 

[Brad Huber]

I am glad to pray for you. But if you truly believe nobody cares, then that becomes a self fulfilling prophecy quite often.

 

[Chad]

@Shiloh

I will keep you in prayer. This is not the end at all. This brokeneness is what leads us to Christ. Remember when Paul said this...

2 Corinthians 12:8-10
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Please take the time with GOD here. Trust me, I went to a horrible divorce 2 years ago and I felt the floor every day in my 2 year marriage. I was secluded from the world. I hit rock bottom in more ways than one. GOD reveals Himself through our weakness, troubles, heartaches. He does this to show you His power, His love, His grace, restoration, healing. He is all powerful. Beauty from ashes as the say goes. He does it.

Please read this from Charles Stanley. Watch the video (it's in the link on top of the page).
God's Pathway of Brokenness

He's a phenomenal preacher. Just listen and believe GOD cares. I can assure you we as Christians all through that stage of "where's GOD" and "nobody loves me" mentality. It's utterly a lie of the devil. I testify to that.

 

[DHC]

Hello Shiloh.

You have had a rough time growing up and you of course have plenty to complain about.

You are not alone in that department as there are billions of unfortunate people around
the world.

But there is a trick to life Shiloh that we often forget, hence, we pay a heavy price.

The trick is when we focus on our self too much, we end up fixated with our own lot in life.

And at times, we are oblivious to the root cause of our problems in the first place, Shiloh.

It is the outward consideration of others and not our own self fulfillment, that is the trick to life.

Over the years I have met many people that suffered needlessly, due to their self fixation.
Men who have not ever forgiven their wives, for the end of their marriage. They never
moved on with their life and have repeated the tale of woe, hundreds of times to others.

Women who likewise have never forgiven or moved on after a sour affair. These people
spiral ever deeper into the pit of self despair. They end up in time, so deeply bitter and
self orientated, that all they ever talk about is their own problems.

We all go through this self pity cycle Shiloh, at times we even think there is no way out of the
mess. You probably are well aware Shiloh, that you are thinking far too much about your own
predicament. Like you and many others, I have at times kicked the dirt and complained to
Jesus, why did you create me in the first place? Woe is me, why do I have to suffer so much!
Self pity brings no rewards other than even more self pity.

The Bible as you know Shiloh, tells us to make Jesus our primary center of interest. You
mentioned that you have not been reading the Bible and have not been to church for some
years. This is the primary problem you will need to address, fellowship with other Christians
is also extremely vital. Unless you seek the cure Shiloh you will only dive deeper into despair.

You know the way out and that is why you have arrived at this site, Talk Jesus.

True love and Joy will only ever in the long term be found in Jesus Christ.

Seek Him first Shiloh and everything else will fall into place, you already know this Shiloh.

 

[Fragrant Grace]

Greetings @Shiloh

Here are some Bible verses that have recently been so comforting to me

Try to consider your problems in the light of the Lord and of eternity

You are not worthless to the Lord.....He loves you dearly

Men will fail you, the world will fail you......but the word of the Lord will never ever fail you
Grasp His word, take hold of His promises.........He will not let you down

Remembering mine affliction and my misery, the wormwood and the gall.
My soul hath them still in remembrance, and is humbled in me.
This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope.
It is of the LORD'S mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not.
They are new every morning: great is Thy faithfulness.
The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in Him.
Lamentations 3:19-24

I waited patiently for the LORD; and He inclined unto me, and heard my cry.
He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.
And He hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God:
Psalm 40:1-3

 

[Thiscrosshurts]

I cast down the spirit of doom that is attempting to dominate your heart and mind.
I ask the Father in heaven to reveal his goodness to your heart and guard mind in Christ.
I also ask that you would reveal your goodness to Daniel and guide him and keep him from temptation and harm.

Romans 11:32 For God has bound everyone over to disobedience so that he may have mercy on them all.
According to this verse all except God may fail us in one way or another so mercy is for everyone including you and Daniel.
God's desire is for you to appropriate that mercy he showed to us all by the blood of the Lamb.
Forgiveness of others is the key to feeling God's love for you and taking the heaviness from your heart.

Godspeed to you peace, joy and strength.

 

[RJ]

Depression is a a devestaing thing and I won't even presume to know the cure.
I sure wish you would seek professional help.

• Now spiritual healing is a much different thing.
• I find that most people, including Christians have problems with one thing or another due to some sort of bondage to Biblical untruth, some are:

1. I am too bad and not worthy.
2. I am no good and God does not love me
3. God never answers my prayers, so I must not be saved.
4. I wasn't water baptised so I am not saved.
5. I was water baptised,, I don't feel or act any different, so it must have not worked for me.
6. I am so doubtfull, so God won't save me or help me.
7. I am not good enough.
8. I am not pretty enough.
9. I am too fat for anyone to love me.

These are just a small few examples of how people are down in the dumps because of a spiritual untruth.

• You need to be in a good church where you could confide is a good church friend. If you can't find one, chamge churches.
• Find a good Pastor and ask for spiritual truth and help sort things out for you. You appear to have some child hood issues from your past and you need to deal with those.
• You need to develop a relationship with Jesus, there are some simple steps to improve on this.
• ABOVE ALL, you need to know that Jesus is your answer and that he, God can and wants a personal relationship with you as if you were the only human on earth.

Praying for you...God Bless!

 

[Brighthouse]

Sometimes, we as believers look to mix our words with the love of Jesus, but I have found the best words come straight from Jesus!( luke 15:11-32!!!) When the Holy Spirit shows us something he does this because we can identify to something,so we can learn how to help others to escape from something.( 1 cor 10:13)The prodigal son felt much like you dear sister,and he had as good of a reason to think this way as we all do. Yes dear sister, all, yes all have strayed,some a little, and some miles,but in every case of the one who has strayed,he or she is again welcomed!

But in order to be welcomed again,we must learn some lessons from being a far off,so that when we do return,we will never leave our loving Fathers arms ever again! His arms, as ours sis,are always open! They stay opened because we ourselves have been in your shoes to an effect. It is from the effect Jesus has upon us sis,that we his children can give a most lasting effect on the people we speak to,or look to carry a burden for.( gal 6:2-5) You are not alone sis,you are with so very many who have carried there own hardship for far to long as well.The point!

( matt 11:28-30) First we have to come back,next we must give our Jesus our hardship,and from this he gives us his peace and rest! Jesus suffered such hardship, so his people would never have to,but we have to believe this sis,and act upon that belief.We are sister( 2 cor 4:7-18) For from hardship,we learn how in Jesus we are to grow in grace to others!!( 2Peter 3:18) So that we always are doing God's very will, by always staying and being ever thankful!!! ( 1 thess 5:18) My prayers and love in Christ Jesus go out to you,will you receive his love today sis? I hope that you will!! It does not matter what we have done,what matters is that we always know we are forgiven!!( rom 4:8!!) ( john 13:34!!) Our lesson to others sis!

 

[Kuwabarra]

I feel you on the relationship part. Though It is better to have it end now than have it end even later down the line, and imagine how you would feel if you had started a life with him. You are not worthless. You have many great things as you stated. Your own car, your own place to live. Focus on the good things in your life, and not the bad. It's always easier to focus on the bad, because the good is what we have, and the bad is what we don't have. I will reply in a better way in a little while. Stay in there. You will be 100 times better when you come out of this.

 

[Kuwabarra]

I know you have a strong deep emotion for this guy, but I've had that with lots of girls. Without even dating them! Never got the relationships I wanted, but I see now later in life it was for the better. I was not who I am/becoming today. If these things did not happen to me I would not be where I am today. Everyone has a unique story, and that's VERY GREAT. You are specialized in certain areas to help other people dealing with the same problems. Look to better your life, better your relationship with god, and god will send you the PERFECT man. I know all the others seemed perfect, and it is hard to get over sometimes, but I PROMISE you that you will feel the same love for another again. It hurts sometimes, but just keep moving along.

You're not a terrible christian. Just strive to be better, to do better. Build your life around god, instead of another human being. Then god will send you the love you desire. God knows your pain.