i find myself in this situation a lot because i fear talking about my dark past. I do with some people, but i find it hard with many others. I often miss opportunities to talk about how Christ helped me because i don't want other people knowing that i ever struggled with a lot of the sexual sin that i did in the past... it's simply not accepted and very hard to talk about to people who won't sympathize, but rather judge. And i know that shouldn't matter, but i let my pride and worry get to me and that's how i betray Jesus the most, is when i don't talk about what He delivered me from and what He forgave me for. I'm praying for boldness, courage, wisdom and discernment on how to share my testimony because it's so hard. I feel that I've given up everything for God, but now God wants me to risk giving up my whole social life by having faith in Him and telling people where i've been and what i've done. I have trouble telling Christians and non-Christians for different reasons. I hear Christians joke about the things i've done so i feel that if i tell them then they'll see me as really weird.. on the other hand, i feel that i need to tell them so they know not to say the things they ARE saying because it's making me and other people who've done similar things feel uncomfortable, and also, others hearing the remarks could see the Christian as a hypocrite or inconsiderate, resulting in a blown witness/a missed opportunity to talk about Christ because you wanted make a little joke to get a few giggles.
I'm gunna let this be the first time i've put this out there for a whole group of people to see. A lot of this has to do with molestation. When i was younger, i was molested by a friend. This, as you might expect, distorted my perspective on love and sex... especially since it was a guy who did it. I grew up trying to find myself because i was confused about who I was. I didn't want to be gay because i knew it was wrong and that it wasn't normal. But sometimes i couldn't help the thoughts that came into my head. In order to repress them, i got involved in everything that doesn't fix problems. I looked for acceptance amongst all kinds of groups of people, trying to fit in, allowing others to take advantage of me because I wanted to be part of the group and feel loved or important. I also started doing drugs. I became psychologically addicted. I tried to quit many times but i never succeeded because that's what all of my friends did and if i gave up smoking, then i'd give up my friend's support... who really weren't supportive in the first place but they made me feel like i had SOMETHING going. This is also true for alcohol. Many commitments i've made and broke concerning the two. I was also humiliated in front of a lot of people during highschool concerning my sexuality, something i was struggling with, but hated that i was struggling with. I never actually got sexually involved with another guy, but the thoughts i had about it made me feel guilty enough that i took offense to every wise crack someone made. Little did they know the pain that is actually involved in getting to that point. Instead of anyone trying to understand what was wrong with me, they decided to make fun of me any chance they could. Not one person came to me with a concern and asked me what was wrong. I felt totally on my own, and i developed an anxiety disorder and became very depressed. I continued my drug and alcohol habits, tried finding outlets in other things, lust, i was a gambling addict for 2 years, tried to please other people so that they might care for me in return, but still found nothing fulfilling. I was a very angry person inside, but a lot of people saw me as a happy person outside because i'm always trying to make people left and help people feel comfortable, most likely because i felt sorry for those who felt uncomfortable because i know exactly what that feels like. This led me to also have a lot of insecure friends because those are the people i would gravitate towards when i tried to help people feel comfortable. So pretty much i didn't hang around many positive people with their lives on the right track.
There was one night where i was tripping on mushrooms and had a knife in my hand and was considering to use it to kill myself. I put it to me throat and started thinking: i've tried everything, noone cares about me, no one will accept me if they know what i've done. Even the people that do know would rather make fun of me instead of help me. I have no friends, my family has no idea what's going on in my life cuz they're caught up in themselves and there's other family problems on their minds and i would just make their burden bigger. I don't want to live like this the rest of my life cuz it's only gunna get worse. My friends betrayed me, and i was molested by one of the ones who made fun of me too. Everytime i hear the word gay, ***, homo, or anything sexual, it reminds me of the pain in my life, my mistakes, and the hatred i have to the one who "caused" this (my friend). How could i ever forgive these people who have ruined my reputation and everything i had going for me. These are the thoughts that ran through my head. Then i realized something that made me think a lot about myself and those who hurt me. I hadn't even thought about the times when i was a young teenager, 14, i molested a girl. This is my deepest regret and this is what is the hardest for me to talk about. Throughout my life, i learned how much pain and confusion comes along with being a victim of molestation. It became so hard that I was about to kill myself, but then i thought, this girl, who is a relative, might go through the same things i went through, and she might need to talk to me about it one day in order to help her get back on track if she was falling. Killing myself would not only be giving up on myself and God, but also to this girl. So in reality, that night I didn't do it because of her, i felt so sorry about it. I didn't realize at the time when i was 14 that what i was doing was that bad, but overtime it really hit me that it is huge and can have a lot of effects on her like it did on me. I wanted to be there for her if she needed to confront me. That was THAT night.
Afterwards, still depressed and anxious around my peers, i continued stubbornly to do what i usually do.. drugs, alcohol, indulging in all of the seven deadly sins to find escapes for my problems and the issues i didn't want to deal with. I wanted to tell someone the things i just told you all but i felt like i'd be left with no one and that they'd think i was crazy and helpless and that maybe i'd go to jail or something i don't know. I did pray occasionally and asked God to help me with my situation and to deliver me from the crazy thoughts i had in my head, and to help my friends and family be more understanding... and i'm sure God had those things set up for me the whole time, but i was too afraid to approach obedience... to afraid that God wouldn't be able to handle this burden. Over time, my depression and anxiety grew deeper, i started developing ulcer like symptoms in my stomach, along with other stress related health issues, my relationships were weakening, i was dishonest, selfish, and just looking out for myself cuz i thought i had no one. One night, December 31st 2005, i was in florida visiting a friend for new years. We were getting drunk, stoned, and continuing our old habits that never got us anywhere but the downward slide. I was doing a lot of thinking that night, about how unhappy i was, that i've tried everything, and that i really needed to see what God could do for me.. i believed God was real, but i never had faith that he could handle my sins and provide purpose and happiness to my life.
My friend, his friend, some girl, and I were then on our way to a Japanese restaurant. The music was really loud, and it was actually hurting my eardrums, but i was so afraid to ask my friend's roommate to turn the volume down because i didn't want him to think i was a pain (me looking for acceptance amongst everyone in order to please them, while not caring about myself and what i really need). So i started to pray, and i was telling God that i really want Him to change my life and that I want to obey Him, but that i was afraid of my social influences. I started thinking about what being a Christian would entail, having to obey God's commandments, stop all my habits, which would lead to my friends not wanting to hang out with me, which would lead to lost friendships, no social life, lonliness, and having to make new friends starting from scratch. I started weighing the options, also thinking about how nice it would be to be happy, and to be able to stand up for myself and to learn how to stand up for God, because that was always something i struggled with, and often still do because of this testimony i have and my reluctance to share it. But I thought to myself, if i can't even tell this guy to turn down his radio because my ears hurt, then how am i going to ever stand up for Jesus. So i prayed, because i really wanted Jesus to start taking over, Lord help me do this and be with me no matter what response i get. So i asked him to do that, and he did, but it wasn't enough, so i told him "more please". haha and he did. I was very happy at the moment because i took a small step in the right direction for the first time in years. I know that sounds so basic to many of you, but with what was going on in my head it was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do, people who've had anxiety before might be able to relate, and maybe even if you haven't..i don't know.
But anyways, we continued on our way and we stopped off somewhere for a second and it was just me and my friend John in the car. I asked John, while we were stoned just sitting there, "what are we doing man?" John and i have had spiritual conversations before and both new that we weren't doing what we were supposed to do and that we needed to try harder. He asked me what i was talking about. And i broke down crying in the back seat of the truck and told him that things have to change and that they are going to change. I started speaking about my commitment i was gunna make. I was back there crying and John was like "Vincent do you have to do this now??" like it was just a typical depressed person's breakdown that wasn't going to amount to anything. This is showed me that he didn't want to deal with me with his friends around and then they came back in the truck and i was crying. It was pretty embarassing and i know it made them feel uncomfortable too, having some kid they just made crying in the back seat talking about how he's messed up all his life and now things are going to change. And the driver said "that's great, a kid with some goals" but i responded with "no, you dont understand, this is more than just goals" and i mentioned God's name which was another hurdle that i jumped over. So now they understood that i was a crazy depressed kid who was not gunna go for temporary goals, but try to see if Christianity would work... none of them seeming like they were confident in me... understandble, but still irritated me.
But anways, i told them i wanted to go back to the apartment. I needed to get away from everything and just have time to think things over and talk to John and talk to God. So we dropped off the girl to hold the reservation at the Jap. restaurant by herself, as i made the driver drive us back because he was the only sober one out of all of us and i wasn't gunna let my eagerness to be accepted to let my friend John drive me back drunk and stoned, as they all wanted him to. So by now i was pretty sure that John's friends weren't too fond of me and that i didn't make the best impression for a first day. So John and i went in his room and i was telling him how i felt about my life, and what i was doing and how it wasnt working. i also told him that my friends aren't even helping me and that a lot of things were gunna change. I understood that I was the one becoming a Christian, not John, and that from then on our priorities in life were gunna be completely different.
I asked him if he would pray with me and he said no, and eventually left the room. I then knew for sure that I was on my own with this, and that it was just between me and God. So i asked God, "can you really get me out of this? Do you really love me? I've tried everything and i'm still miserable and I want help. God i know i've messed up and i want to be delivered from this burden i've been carrying my whole life. i can't handle it. Please show me you love me God, forgive me, help me." And while i was on my knees praying that prayer, face in the blankets just balling with tears, i felt the touch of my Holy God that was everything i ever needed. It was warm, it was comforting, and it was so real, so indescribable that i can't put it into words. But i tell you this, In Matthew 5 it says, "blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" and that's exactly what He did for me. While He was pouring down his love on me, i felt like i was being pushed into the blankets and that He was just taking away all of my worry, all of my shame, removing all of my sins and healing all of my wounds, it was so fantastic and supernatural... no way could you feel this without the Spirit of God. This was happening and it was so vivid i just cried out, "Thank you, Thank you!" I then knew that God was for real. I knew He was there, i knew He loved me and that He had plans for me. I prayed throughout the night, repenting, asking for advise, what to do, prayed that He'd lead me to the right people to talk to, and that He would provide me with new friends who would support me with my new goals and my walk with Him. The next day was both amazing and awkward. It was amazing knowing that God was in control of my life, and it was awkward seeing the people from the night before in the living room. But i got over it.
We left that day on the way back to GA and i knew i had a lot of big steps ahead. God wanted me to tell my parents what happened. So that night I got home and my mom was there i told her everything, again crying, but like God promised, she still loved me and wanted to do everything she could for me. She answered a lot of questions i had about my life and my dad and his influence on my life (he was never very close to me), and assured me that what I went through was understandable. What happened to me wasn't supposed to happen, but it did. I was affected by it, made mistakes, but I was truly sorry for what I had done and wanted things to be better and now that i had God on my side they were sure to get better than i ever imagined. I asked her if she could help me find and send me to a Christian counselor because I wanted a man of God giving me advice and not someone who won't really understand what it was i needed.
So i started seeing that counselor, and he really helped me with my confidence, my sexuality, helped me see the patterns in my thoughts and behavior that were leading to my anxiety and depression, and essentially got me back on track. Since that night, I haven't touched alcohol, drugs, I'm not depressed, but extrememly joyful, I don't have an anxiety disorder anymore, i just struggle with some social anxiety in certain situations where i feel like i should share all of this stuff i shared with you all, but don't want to because of fear of judgment. But i'm praying for deliverance from that fear, and I ask that whoever reads this will pray for me and my situation too, that i would gain wisdom, courage, discernment on what to say and how to say it, and have the faith to follow through and trust God in every situation, even if it means giving up my image.
I've made literally over 100 new Christian friends at my school who are really nice and i'm having a lot of fun growing spiritually within the Christian organizations I'm in, i'm now back in a church that i love! I'm learning a lot everywhere i go. I found gotquestions and talkjesus, both have helped me immensely. gotquestions has helped me out so much that I have business cards I hand out to strangers and friends if i get the opportunity to talk about Christ with them. My life now has so much purpose. Jesus saved me and provided me with life with meaning and joy and love. I'm doing better in school, i know i want to either be a Christian counselor or a pastor to help people who are hurting just like i was. I feel like i've been through everything and that i can relate to a lot of people's situations in one way or another. What i shared with you all is a portion of my life, honestly my most shameful portion with what happened when i was younger, but God has turned all of those negatives into positives.
I actually thank God that he allowed me to be molested because it took me down a road that helped me learn a lot about myself, and also a lot about other people. He taught me the importance of forgiveness. I went back and talked to my friend who molested me and told him that i forgive him. He actually denied that it ever happened, but i told him what direction my life went into and where it is now, and he started crying, so i know it hit him somewhere in his heart. But now he knows that no matter what i'm gunna be his friend still and that he can come talk to me any time and that's just amazing how God can mold our hearts into hearts of pure love for one another, even the ones who were once our enemies. Since then i also had one of my friends who really humiliated me tell me that he wants me to baptize him because i had such a big impact on his life and that he was serious about his commitment. i told him that i forgave him too and answered a lot of questions he had about God one night when he was telling me that He hated God for what He allowed him to become. But nothing is God's fault, we make our mistakes, God doesnt. I've been so blessed ever since and God's really having me be a part of a lot of people's lives and it's a huge but great calling and i constantly need His hand over me and the prayer and support from others.
For me, my big testimony comes with a big responsibilty, using it to let others see Christ alive in me and to love and help others. This was a really long post and i didn't expect to share it all, but back to one point i made at the beginning, we all need to be careful about what comes out of our mouths. As you now see, people, even Christians, have struggled, and for some people, still struggle with big issues like homosexuality and molestation. Personally, when i hear people joking about it to get cheap laughs, it bothers me and sometimes causes me to question their devotion to love people the way God loves us. I know it's not my right to do that, but if people would just try to understand that these things are real, and that people around them that they don't even know might have gone through them. What we say could be heard and affect someone negatively. It causes me to not want to get personal and open up to the people i hear making those jokes. And they aren't even always long drawn out jokes, just little comments of sarcasm or whatever that can hurt someone. I was sitting at lunch in the Baptist organization at school and one kid saw another guy walk in who had autism and was kind of awkward to be around in social settings... and the guy who walked in has a lisp and could be stereotyped as gay, and the kid at my table just started making jokes about him and immitating the way he talks, making the girls at the table laugh, and then ended it by saying ****** (derogatory word for a homosexual).
I didn't say anything, but i shook my head, and thought to myself, what if i was a new kid who just came in here looking for good Christian people that i could maybe be friends with and talk to, but i heard him say that stuff and realize that there arent even any good people here in an organization. Then what if i left and never came back because i observed it. The kid will have then just blown a witness away, simply by crackin some jokes to get a few little laughs at lunch. Meanwhile, I could've been of much importance to that place. Things like that go on a lot, and while it's hard to watch everything we say, we can be more aware of it. God cleaned up my foul mouth since last New Year's. I can probably count the amount of times i've cussed this whole year on two hands. I choose not to cuss because i don't want to blow a witness and because the bible says to only let wholesome talk come out, not coarse joking.
Christians today are often being examined by nonbelievers just so they can call us hypocrites and not listen to what we have to say. We may miss the opportunity to share a miracle that Jesus performed in our life because the kid heard us cuss or make a joke that wasn't appropriate. God calls us to love. i pray that we all will do that as Christians. God help us be aware of what comes out of our mouths, let it be wholesome talk and glorify you in every way. We want to share the gospel with all who are lost, give us the opporunities.
And to go back to the main topic, i feel that ministering out of my own strength is ministering our way and not trusting God and obeying Him in what He tells me He wants to do. The reason this testimony was relevant is because God has told me to share it several times, but instead i disobeyed Him and ministered in a different way that i know wasn't as effective as it would have been had I shared what He wanted me to share. That's how it all connects for me. I kind of get selfish and worry about my image, which is really being greedy cuz i'm not letting other people see what Christ did for me... i often hold it back. Then i find that the times i do open myself up when God tells me to, He really takes over and blesses us for it. It's rewarding doing things for Him when we don't think they'll work, but He shows us otherwise. Our faith must remain strong at all times. Let Christ be seen in your life. Let Him be a part of your relationships with everyone you come in contact with. Pray for that boldness and the passion to reach others.
Well, i hope this post is okay for the counseling section, it kind of includes both counseling and testimony. But thanks for taking the time to read it, i know it was a lot, i've been typing for 2 hours and i have lots of homework to do.
I'm interested in feedback and advice if you have any. I also again ask that you pray for me as I try to work through these things. Life has just begun for me and i know God has planned a big journey for me ahead. Thank you all so much for listening and may God bless you.
