My husband isn't a leader

[ChloeBelle]

I've been married for two years. I met my husband in high school and we've continued to cross paths thru the years. He wasn't saved when we married but I knew God was working in his heart. He accepted Christ this year. Praise the Lord!


Problem:

The husband is supposed to be the head of the family and the wife is supposed to be submissive. Our roles are reversed.

I make twice as much as he does, but his work is much more physical.

I'm more responsible than he is, although he is getting better and trying to help more.

He is horrible with money. The only reason he has a checking account is because his job requires direct deposit. He pays the rent and his truck payment. Everything else he makes he spends mostly on himself and never saves any money. I pay the utilities, car insurance, groceries and anything needed for the house. I save money so we have a nest egg and I even co-signed for him to get a motorcycle.

He says I'm a know-it-all and I'm stubborn. I'd have to agree.

He also says that I don't listen to anything he says and that I have no respect for him. But he doesn't make any decisions on his own and he rarely takes charge. I try to encourage him and make sure he has all that he needs and the house is in order.

He hurt my feeling really bad the other nite. He was talking about biting his tongue at work when he's being done wrong and that he does the same with me. I asked him how I did him wrong and he said he didn't want to discuss it. I don't think I do him wrong. I have to set boundaries or he'd run us into debt and take complete advantage of me.

Some advice please. Therapy is out of the question. Scheduling would be a problem and he wouldn't give any input anyway. I've tried to get him to go to church with me, to read the bible together and to pray together. Nothing.

The few times I've tried to have a devotion, I think he resented it. I just want our marriage to be in the will of God.

 

[jiggyfly]

Have you read " The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman? If not I highly recommend it.

 

[Br. Bear]

Trust in the LORD,

and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land,
and verily thou shalt be fed.

Delight thyself also in the LORD;
and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

Commit thy way unto the LORD;
trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.
Psalm 37:3-5



Greetings ChloeBelle,

I am not familiar with " The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, as recommended by jiggyfly, but I am sure it would help you, both.

One tip, though, is if you read it, you read it and perhaps put into place some of the ideas... but I suggest you don't 'push' it on your husband.
Maybe you could leave it lying around, but seriously, if he is not into that sort of thing, do not attempt to convince him to be.

I have seen books like it, and for the most, they have some very helpful insights that everyone can relate to... and what's more, it relates to who you are and reveals things about yourself in your relationship, which, if you are after positive change, you can decide to do something about... with prayer and God's help in Jesus Christ the Lord.


The most important thing to remember is who you are in Jesus Christ.


You see, we all have something to deal with in our life... and we do well to ask why????

Well, who are we? What is our purpose as Christians? If we get that clear, to begin with, then we see why we have something to deal with each and every day.....and it is how we deal with it that matters... not what we are dealing with, but, HOW we deal with it.

Remember who YOU are in Christ Jesus the Lord.... and let Him worry about who your husband is.

Take love to another level with your husband, too.... just love him even when he seems to make mistakes... you will find he is encouraged a lot by this...

Ask yourself as well, do you want love and joy in your life and in your relationship with your husband? ...... that's an easy answer, isn't it? Yes, of course!
OK... this comes first.

May you be filled with joy as you remember who you are in Christ, sister.



Bless you ....><>

Br. Bear




And if ye call on the Father,
who without respect of persons judgeth according to every man's work,
pass the time of your sojourning here in fear:
Forasmuch as ye know that ye were not redeemed with corruptible things,
as silver and gold,
from your vain conversation received by tradition from your fathers;

But with the precious blood of Christ,
as of a lamb without blemish and without spot:
Who verily was foreordained before the foundation of the world,
but was manifest in these last times for you,
Who by Him do believe in God,
that raised Him up from the dead,
and gave Him glory;
that your faith and hope might be in God.

Seeing ye have purified your souls
in obeying the truth through the Spirit
unto unfeigned love of the brethren,
see that ye love one another with a pure heart fervently:
Being born again,
not of corruptible seed,
but of incorruptible,
by the word of God,
which liveth and abideth for ever.

For all flesh is as grass,

and all the glory of man as the flower of grass.
The grass withereth,
and the flower thereof falleth away:
But the word of the Lord endureth for ever.

And this is the word which by the gospel is preached unto you.
1Peter 1:17-25




ps... you asked about your husband being the head and leader...

The Lord says this....

Give ear, O ye heavens, and I will speak; and hear, O earth, the words of my mouth.
My doctrine shall drop as the rain, my speech shall distil as the dew, as the small rain upon the tender herb, and as the showers upon the grass:
Because I will publish the name of the LORD: ascribe ye greatness unto our God.
He is the Rock, His work is perfect: for all His ways are judgment: a God of truth and without iniquity, just and right is He.
Dueteronomy 32:1-4

Delight yourself in Him

 

[byhisgrace]

take Jiggyfly and Br.Bear's advice.
It is hard being in that situation. I have been. In fact not but a couple months ago I was having issues of my own. Only advice I can give...
You do what the Lord wants YOU to do. Follow Him. Read your Bible and pray for your husband. You can't MAKE him step up and be spiritual leader, he has to want to do it. He has to make God #1. But you can make him head of the household. And trust God that by doing what He says you are to do, it will work out, He will make sure of it. And pray for the Lord's will be done in your life. Accept His will and desire it. A lot of times completely different from what you would ever think. Find out how YOU are supposed to be as the wife and do it...joyfully (the hard part sometimes). And more important than ANYTHING, make HIM..the Lord #1. Make the reason you do anything....HIM. And He will work it out and will bring peace with it. my brothers and sisters here have helped me a lot on here. will be praying for you.

 

[Fragrant Grace]

'He wasn't saved when we married but I knew God was working in his heart. He accepted Christ this year. Praise the Lord!'

As newborn babes desire the sincere milk of the word, that ye may grow thereby 1 Peter 1:2

Dear ChloeBelle

I am in agreement with all the other very useful replies you have received and wouldnt want to add much.

Apart from to say that your husband is such a 'babe' in Christ... Praise the Lord for His very recent Salavtion. You saw the Lord working in his heart at the time you married.....and what joy and comfort to know the Lord is now both living and working in his heart...

.....being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ...Philippians 1:6

Continual love, encouragement and prayers will enrich and bless your husband spiritually....

He will strengthen you...to deal with your difficulties, if you commit everything into His tender care.

Finally be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous 1 Peter 3:8

The Lord bless you sister ChloeBelle

Julia

 

[By His Grace]

I want to encourage you that God knows what you're going through and He cares about you.....This is a very sensitive issue and your husband may feel like your not submitting to him, i can advice you to ask God for Wisdom pertaining this situation and apply it as He directs you.

You are in my prayers sister. God bless.

 

[SpiritLedEd]

Maturity for us guys (and you gals) doesn't come with a set developmental timetable. We all mature at different speeds, some more slowly than others. Like myself and most other men, I'm sure your husband put on his best face when you were dating. Now, in marriage, you're seeing him in a more realistic light, and he's getting a more realistic picture of you as well.

You say he is getting better at some things. That means he is maturing - at the pace that has been set out for him by God. You have no control over the pace of his growth. Compliment him from time to time for the changing he is doing, balance the bad wih the good. And remember that, like it or not, some of his gripes against you are legitimate for you are growing in maturity too.

Jiggyfly's suggestion about reading the Gary Chapman book is good advice.

SLE

 

[ChloeBelle]

Thank you all for your advice, encouragement and prayers. I was receiving e-mails of your replies and I realized that if my husband saw the title, he would be very hurt even though the post expresses my concerns. I guess I've learned something already.
He had his debit card shredded which is a real blessing because I was handling is check register. That is a huge burden lifted off my shoulders, because I don't have to fuss at him about bouncing any debits. I realize that if I'm not intimately involved in his spending habits and don't have to worry about overdraft fees, it doesn't bother me as much how he spends his money.
I have started to make a priority of setting aside time to have devotion and prayer alone instead of trying to combine time with my husband and God together. I guess I was trying to kill 2 birds with one stone. I've already started to have a better attitude. Please pray that I will continue and not be distracted.
Again, thank you all and I'm grateful for this site.

 

[jiggyfly]

Praise the Lord ChloeBelle, sounds like progress. One thing I wanted to add, you made the comment in the OP,

My husband isn't a leader

Are you a follower? It will be very difficult for your husband to lead if you won't follow. I have no insight into your specific situation,and there's no need to answer the question here, but rather something for you to think on by yourself.

 

[Coconut]

Dear Sister, forgive me for the analogy, but this sounds a whole lot like, 'my child wont color inside the lines, so I do it for him.'

A smart man (not necessarily a wise one) wont wrestle his wife for the reins,
if it means he will have to deal with her "hurt feelings", he finds it much easier to live with his own "resentment" than hers.

I agree with jiggyfly, you need to examine your own role. You say he rarely makes a decision on his own, and he wont take charge. Yet it appears by what you`ve written, that you have tentatively offered the reins to your husband on occasion, only to yank them back when he was`nt doing things your way. If not even Jesus can be your Lord, if you wont do what He says, how can your husband be your leader, if you never allow him to take the reins.