need some advice

[rachael89]

Ok, this might be long, but I need advice, and its kinda complicated. Well my Mom, sister and I live together, I'm 21 and my sister is 23 and we have an in-home daycare that we all 3 help out with. Latley we've been arguing alot, I personaly think it's because we're in the house together 24/7 (how can it not be), and my mom just thinks wer'e being disrespectful. Also my mom is very difficult to talk to, and its her way or no way most the time and she gets mad at alot of stuff, I dont want to just sound like a kid saying "My mom is mean and ufair" I'm just being honest.
Alot of times we hang out and have fun together, then theres time we argue alot and what makes it worse is were not little kids arguing were 3 adults arguing. So anyway the other day my mom caught my sister lying about something stupid, and was realy upset obviously, and with her so upset it made us realize how much we lie to her, usualy about stupid little stuff (not that it makes it ok, I know its wrong) but I think we've done it ever since we were little, again, i'm not making excuses but she'll tell us a million things to do(we enjoy doing the daycare we do about 80% of it all, But we feel if we do so much we should do things our way ) so most the time well just say we did it, or if we did do it we'll say we did it her way but realy did it our way, I feel like we'd go crazy if we do everything she tells us, Physicaly and mentally. So anyway, my sister felt bummed out today about it, and I think we started lying like a thing for survival, that sounds terrible but its the only way I can explain it. So we were saying how we need to stop lying but we dont know how to start like when she tells us to do something she wants it done the most complicated way so does that mean to shutup and do it her way or I dunno, im confused, My sister thinks we should be able to do things more our way or what we wanna do because were adults im more thinking we need to do everything her way no matter what because its her house. But wer'es the line of honoring your parents and being an adult but in your parents house. Like when we need to have out of the house time, we dont have friends, the most thing we do is go to the gym together and she'll give us like half an hour instead of saying "Thanks for helping go out for an hour and have fun". Dont get me wrong, I love my Mom sooooooooo much and we can have the best time together. When my sister was talking to our brother she was saying about she wants to stop lying and my brother said "Yeah, but its mom". So you basically have to lie have some of your own life, or dont lie and live your whole life how she wants you to live. So I want to be respectful to her I just dont know what to do. My brothers moved out and married and when he was like 20-23 my mom wouldnt want him going out with friends, and he would literaly just say well im going out so would that be disrespectful or is it reasonable I just dont know where the line is, it's one thing if were 16 17 I would tell myself shut up and deal with it, Anyway sorry I typed so much, any advice is greatly appreciated.

 

[GodWithUs]

Hi Rachael,

Well, you have to tell your mom in some way your point, like this is how you do things in a respectful way. But also listen to her reply and asses yourself about what she'll say back to you. Like if you know deep inside that you're wrong, then you make the necessary adjustments.

But if it you really see that you have a good point, and you're not being selfish but you're just being who you are and working in the way you believe the way it should be then continue doing so. As the saying goes, if you can't take the heat, then you got to find other ways to help out where in you are you and you are comfortable with what you're doing. Otherwise you might end up clashing with your mom.

I think we're some what in the same position. Cause I'm helping out our family business. I do love helping the family out that's why I do this. I perform things based on what's right in business' standards, and more importantly what's right to God. I admit that at times we don't get along with our ideas on how to do things, but if I believe I'm doing the right thing, I stay firm in my decision even if they don't like it, execute and back up my words. But there would be also times that I listen to what my parents say to me basically I have no technical background about the subject matter or maybe I'm really doing things wrong.

It always ends up in this question, am I doing things the way God wants me to perform? I'm still learning myself to be consistently close to God, by reading the bible day and night, and living my learnings. It doesn't go easy at first, but if you practice and practice and practice being close to God, you'll eventually hear God all the time and base your moves according to His words.

I pray that I was able to help you, and i will pray for you too and your family. My thoughts are just a spec of dust to God, ask Him for more guidance, He can move mountains, so He can surely help you out God Bless you Rachael.

 

[SpiritLedEd]

when she tells us to do something she wants it done the most complicated way so does that mean to shutup and do it her way or I dunno, im confused,

Rachael, you poured a lot of stuff out onto the table here. I'll just focus on the sentence I cited. I'm presuming the day care is properly licensed and operating under regulations enacted by your state government. Whose name(s) is listed as the operator of the business? If your mom is the only listed owner on the license, she is the one in charge because she is the responsible party named on the license. Also, her most complicated way may be the way prescribed by law and the law may not leave room for shortcuts. Remember, licensed day care centers have to undergo periodic inspection by the authorities and using shortcuts can result in penalties.

Spirit Led Ed (SLE)

 

[HisNicky]

Loving Godly boundaries are so important!

Ok, this might be long, but I need advice, and its kinda complicated. Well my Mom, sister and I live together, I'm 21 and my sister is 23 and we have an in-home daycare that we all 3 help out with. Latley we've been arguing alot, I personaly think it's because we're in the house together 24/7 (how can it not be), and my mom just thinks wer'e being disrespectful. Also my mom is very difficult to talk to, and its her way or no way most the time and she gets mad at alot of stuff, I dont want to just sound like a kid saying "My mom is mean and ufair" I'm just being honest.
Alot of times we hang out and have fun together, then theres time we argue alot and what makes it worse is were not little kids arguing were 3 adults arguing. So anyway the other day my mom caught my sister lying about something stupid, and was realy upset obviously, and with her so upset it made us realize how much we lie to her, usualy about stupid little stuff (not that it makes it ok, I know its wrong) but I think we've done it ever since we were little, again, i'm not making excuses but she'll tell us a million things to do(we enjoy doing the daycare we do about 80% of it all, But we feel if we do so much we should do things our way ) so most the time well just say we did it, or if we did do it we'll say we did it her way but realy did it our way, I feel like we'd go crazy if we do everything she tells us, Physicaly and mentally. So anyway, my sister felt bummed out today about it, and I think we started lying like a thing for survival, that sounds terrible but its the only way I can explain it. So we were saying how we need to stop lying but we dont know how to start like when she tells us to do something she wants it done the most complicated way so does that mean to shutup and do it her way or I dunno, im confused, My sister thinks we should be able to do things more our way or what we wanna do because were adults im more thinking we need to do everything her way no matter what because its her house. But wer'es the line of honoring your parents and being an adult but in your parents house. Like when we need to have out of the house time, we dont have friends, the most thing we do is go to the gym together and she'll give us like half an hour instead of saying "Thanks for helping go out for an hour and have fun". Dont get me wrong, I love my Mom sooooooooo much and we can have the best time together. When my sister was talking to our brother she was saying about she wants to stop lying and my brother said "Yeah, but its mom". So you basically have to lie have some of your own life, or dont lie and live your whole life how she wants you to live. So I want to be respectful to her I just dont know what to do. My brothers moved out and married and when he was like 20-23 my mom wouldnt want him going out with friends, and he would literaly just say well im going out so would that be disrespectful or is it reasonable I just dont know where the line is, it's one thing if were 16 17 I would tell myself shut up and deal with it, Anyway sorry I typed so much, any advice is greatly appreciated.

Hi Rachael

Sorry to hear you and your family are going through this conflict but hang in there - focus on the good times and the love you have for each other - Scripture tells us that love covers a multitude of sins - so just keep on lovin'!

It sound like your Mom has a history and need to control things around her. Obviously I have no idea what drives her to do this with the people she loves - but whatever the case is it's not healthy or Godly. To give gentle instruction and set firm boundaries, especially with kids is absolutely fine - but to continue to 'control' when your kids are now grown up is not really OK.

So what can you do? Well first of all I would recommend you pray and commit your family to God - trust Him that He knows all your hearts, faults and all - loves you all without condition - and is absolutely the best Person to get you all through this stuff. Trust that He will give you the love, compassion AND the wisdom to learn and grow through this challenge. Learn to listen for His voice in your heart advising you how to deal with your difficult circumstances as they arise.

Secondly, it is probably going to challenge you, as she is an authority figure in your life, someone you obviously love very much and you most likely want to please her and not gain her disapproval, but it's time I believe for you and your sister to begin setting respectful but firm boundaries with your Mom. No one has the right to control you and your choices - even God frees us to make choices - He just strongly encourages us to ask Him for wisdom and guidance in the midst of those choices!

I believe that when your Mom tries to 'force' you to do things according to her preferences, within reason (and definitely bearing in mind what SpiritLedEd has said about business legalities) you should gently but firmly advise your Mom that you would prefer to take another approach to whatever task it is that you are doing. Be sure that you and your sister are not tempted to 'gang up' on your Mom - both of you need to tread very gently with her so that she can come to understand your hearts in this. And don't be tempted to argue if your Mom gets angry and upset with you - that won't help but will only create further hurt between you all. State your case, reasure your Mom that you love her (this is really important!), if she will listen give a brief reasoning why you choose to do things the way you prefer, then walk away (really walk away so that you're not tempted to argue!) and DON'T get heated or emotional and drawn into conflict. It may be difficult to begin with, and your Mom may find it hugely difficult to give up her control, (or what she perceives to be her control as you say that both you and your sister often do things your way anyhow) - but it's important to persevere. You are an adult now and can be expected to take responsibility for your actions and choices. The same goes for your Mom - and she needs to learn now to release you as an adult. Rachael, your Mom may see your attempt to develop healthy relational boundaries as rejection - this is why it might be very hard at first and it is vitally important that you take EVERY opportunity to let her know that you love her - words and actions - and that you take every opportunity to bless her BUT to allow her to control you and oppress your right and need to behave as a responsible adult is neither good for you, your sister nor your Mom. Control, manipulation and lies have absolutely no place in a Godly loving family.

This process of developing loving boundaries can be incredibly challenging and can take a significant degree of emotional strength hence the importance of seeking God for His guidance and wisdom from the get go!, but it's worth it in the end. Your Mom is your parent and deserves your love and respect - however she is not your controller and you are now an adult so it's important for you both to develop a 'loving adult to loving adult' relationship.

I hope that you and your family will make it through all this healthier, more free, and more blessed than you could ever have imagined.

PS you might find it useful to seek some trustworthy Godly counsel to assist you in this - when you have been in a controlling relationship for so long it can be quite daunting to take back the reins of your own life and choices - there's a whole new level of accountability when you do this - so some extra wisdom, support and encouragement can prove invaluable.

God bless and hope the above helps

HisNicky