Monarchlover
Member
- Joined
- Oct 16, 2018
- Messages
- 1
Hi. To your lost soul, hello. I am struggling and feel at my worst I’ve ever felt. I tried to make a short history post, which deemed impossible in the end. I’ve been suffering most my life. I grew up with an alcoholic father and a mom too scared and meek to approach the situation properly. My dad was verbally abusive and would throw things in anger. I dealt with him and his abusive self destructive behavior until I was 18. That’s when he died of a heart attack. I found myself hiding in a closet whenever he was drinking and loud. He would keep us up all night with loud music. The hardest part dealing with my dad was the shame and embarrassment he caused me. He’d open the windows late at night and turn on the attic fan to “air out” the house. He also turned on his 40’s classics on the radio loudly. I spent many nights begging him to turn it down so I could sleep and not suffer from embarrassment. I would lie in embarrassment knowing all the neighbors heard it and knew “Mr. J was drinking again”. I’d walk to school the next morning so ashamed. My sisters didn’t seem to care as much as I did. I was seven out of eight kids and bit my nails constantly. I was shy and blushed horribly. None of my other siblings did. I’d never invite friends over after school not knowing what I would be up against. Lately, things have taken their toll on me as things have become emotionally and financially difficult. I am educated, I’m smart and I’ve made a decent life for myself. But through all of it, I’ve managed to make a mess of things very quickly.
I was married 21 years. He wasn’t a drinker until after our divorce. However, he abused me. He put me up against walls and screamed in my face. He held me down in bed during heated discussions. He’s pulled me out of a van by my hair. The last thing he ever did to me was nail me pretty hard to the back of my head. Not the best of luck with men in my life. I decided to go back to college at that point and finish my degree and move on. I did. Through all the adversity, I graduated from college. I started my own business and lasted five years, but had to give it up to go back to work after I filed for divorce and my kids turned 18 and I lost child support. I dated a few men and saw signs of alcoholism, loudness, cheating so I ran away from that. I found someone about two years ago that was everything I thought I wanted in life. Smart, kind, religious, educated, handsome. How did I get so lucky? One thing I noticed from the beginning was how controlling he was. But he was so lovely, I somewhat enjoyed someone just taking control for awhile. We bonded greatly. We’ve been dating almost two years. He asked me to marry him about 9 months ago, I accepted. Interesting how I type this as if he’s gone...? He’s upstairs sleeping...
I saw early on that one of his three daughters was difficult. Full of herself. 16. I knew I had a tough road ahead. By six months she verbally assaulted me. My fiancé paid me a compliment when I arrived at a birthday dinner saying how nice I looked. She says with a sarcastic tone, “oh dad, that’s what you say about all the women you’ve dated. Same look, no makeup, no styled hair and God forbid they would wear clothes like me.” I wouldn’t want to make this up. It happened. All of a sudden, all my bandaids were ripped off. I excused myself after my fiancé quickly stated her words were inappropriate and he started to text her under the table how rude she was. He didn’t say another word because we were at a birthday party. I just couldn’t tolerate her comments or his lack of discipline. She followed me to the bathroom and startled me as I came out of a stall. She asked if we could talk and I said “no there just wasn’t anything to say” other than “you being a rude spoiled brat isn’t going to change the love I have for your dad”. Then I left the restaurant. My fiancé came running out and apologized once more and asked me to come back in. I did. We had a round table discussion about what was really going on underneath. Things were revealed about their mom’s attempted new failed marriage and discipline they received from her new husband (they didn’t tolerate him or his son), their dads failed dates and live in girlfriend and her difficult son, etc. Dinner wasn’t eaten and a daughters birthday was ruined. I can’t tell you how awful it felt knowing she cried on her birthday. I have struggled to feel loved and appreciated by all of them, including my fiancé, ever since. Two months after this transpired, he and I went to Alaska. He wanted to buy me a gift and actually bought me a ring and said it was somewhat like a promise ring because he just couldn’t afford the engagement ring he wanted to buy me. It was sweet. I often wondered if he felt pressured by all that transpired. His daughter saw the ring and she cried quietly across the table. I was devastated. My ring now became a symbol of sadness. I couldn’t believe someone wanted to treat me this way. I lost another piece of my heart that day. I got over it. As you can probably guess, I really love this man. Three months later, he proposed on a private sleigh ride in the snowy mountains of Colorado. I said yes but my first thought was, “but what will his daughter say?”...yes really, but, I said yes, of course.
We came back from the trip and decided not to tell the girls right away. We waited almost two months then broke the news. This time, she said congrats then looked hard the other way for a moment. She was fighting back the tears this time. Maybe she was beginning to accept it more?...
These past several months I have been searching for why. But this is where an even tougher situation occurred. My 20 year old son began to show signs of hallucinations. My focus immediately was on him. I quit my job to take care of him. I thankfully received a sum of money from another business I invested in and it sold. I was able to pay the bills for four months and paid my debt down and invest some of it. My fiancé and I were talking wedding plans before all this began with my son. It has now been put on hold so I can focus on him. He’s refusing medication all these months later. I’m once again devastated. My heart literally hurts. I’m having panic attacks every few days. My heart pounds out of my chest cavity. I’m taking meds when I feel the urgency. My fiancé has been more than tolerant with the situation. He’s been very helpful to my son and I. My other child, a daughter, 19, is in college. I’m thankful she has been away and not had to endure it. My son as been diagnosed with schizophrenia. He hears and sees things that don’t exist. It’s been dreadful watching his symptoms grow worse. A month ago, I received a tax bill from the IRS for $11,000. Apparently, when I used my QDRO money settlement from my divorce to put a down payment on a house, not enough taxes were taken out due to a tax bracket increase. Then the state sent their revised bill as well. My heart aches literally...my relationship hasn’t changed much with the girls and my fiancé is really trying hard to hang on. My depression is beginning to ruin all that I’ve worked for. My fiancé cuts our arguments and goes to bed. He’s mentally drained as well. He’s withdrawing money out of his 401k and I’ve used quite a bit of the money from my investment to pay the mortgages. To literally top it all, we are selling a house he owns that he rented. We’ve been working on it over a year. It’s an hour away in the country and trips out there to make repairs has sucked us dry of energy. I doubt we can sell it until next spring. Not sure what we will do if so. More money out of his 401k I guess. We will need to sell my house next and then move into his house he’s been living in for three years. There isnt enough room for all of us so we will need to finish the basement with bedrooms first. We’ve racked up debt fixing up the rental that will need to be paid off when we sell the houses. Until my son is stable, I can’t get back to work to help. My fiancé knows that I’m really not in any shape to go back right now.
God, some days I wake calling out your name. I know you’re here. I’m asking this community to help me with any suggestions. I’m asking for you to pray for me even though God is so close to me. I’ve almost given up hope at times.
Thank you for letting me vent. It’s too embarrassing to tell anyone what I’ve been living with.
Monarchlover
I was married 21 years. He wasn’t a drinker until after our divorce. However, he abused me. He put me up against walls and screamed in my face. He held me down in bed during heated discussions. He’s pulled me out of a van by my hair. The last thing he ever did to me was nail me pretty hard to the back of my head. Not the best of luck with men in my life. I decided to go back to college at that point and finish my degree and move on. I did. Through all the adversity, I graduated from college. I started my own business and lasted five years, but had to give it up to go back to work after I filed for divorce and my kids turned 18 and I lost child support. I dated a few men and saw signs of alcoholism, loudness, cheating so I ran away from that. I found someone about two years ago that was everything I thought I wanted in life. Smart, kind, religious, educated, handsome. How did I get so lucky? One thing I noticed from the beginning was how controlling he was. But he was so lovely, I somewhat enjoyed someone just taking control for awhile. We bonded greatly. We’ve been dating almost two years. He asked me to marry him about 9 months ago, I accepted. Interesting how I type this as if he’s gone...? He’s upstairs sleeping...
I saw early on that one of his three daughters was difficult. Full of herself. 16. I knew I had a tough road ahead. By six months she verbally assaulted me. My fiancé paid me a compliment when I arrived at a birthday dinner saying how nice I looked. She says with a sarcastic tone, “oh dad, that’s what you say about all the women you’ve dated. Same look, no makeup, no styled hair and God forbid they would wear clothes like me.” I wouldn’t want to make this up. It happened. All of a sudden, all my bandaids were ripped off. I excused myself after my fiancé quickly stated her words were inappropriate and he started to text her under the table how rude she was. He didn’t say another word because we were at a birthday party. I just couldn’t tolerate her comments or his lack of discipline. She followed me to the bathroom and startled me as I came out of a stall. She asked if we could talk and I said “no there just wasn’t anything to say” other than “you being a rude spoiled brat isn’t going to change the love I have for your dad”. Then I left the restaurant. My fiancé came running out and apologized once more and asked me to come back in. I did. We had a round table discussion about what was really going on underneath. Things were revealed about their mom’s attempted new failed marriage and discipline they received from her new husband (they didn’t tolerate him or his son), their dads failed dates and live in girlfriend and her difficult son, etc. Dinner wasn’t eaten and a daughters birthday was ruined. I can’t tell you how awful it felt knowing she cried on her birthday. I have struggled to feel loved and appreciated by all of them, including my fiancé, ever since. Two months after this transpired, he and I went to Alaska. He wanted to buy me a gift and actually bought me a ring and said it was somewhat like a promise ring because he just couldn’t afford the engagement ring he wanted to buy me. It was sweet. I often wondered if he felt pressured by all that transpired. His daughter saw the ring and she cried quietly across the table. I was devastated. My ring now became a symbol of sadness. I couldn’t believe someone wanted to treat me this way. I lost another piece of my heart that day. I got over it. As you can probably guess, I really love this man. Three months later, he proposed on a private sleigh ride in the snowy mountains of Colorado. I said yes but my first thought was, “but what will his daughter say?”...yes really, but, I said yes, of course.
We came back from the trip and decided not to tell the girls right away. We waited almost two months then broke the news. This time, she said congrats then looked hard the other way for a moment. She was fighting back the tears this time. Maybe she was beginning to accept it more?...
These past several months I have been searching for why. But this is where an even tougher situation occurred. My 20 year old son began to show signs of hallucinations. My focus immediately was on him. I quit my job to take care of him. I thankfully received a sum of money from another business I invested in and it sold. I was able to pay the bills for four months and paid my debt down and invest some of it. My fiancé and I were talking wedding plans before all this began with my son. It has now been put on hold so I can focus on him. He’s refusing medication all these months later. I’m once again devastated. My heart literally hurts. I’m having panic attacks every few days. My heart pounds out of my chest cavity. I’m taking meds when I feel the urgency. My fiancé has been more than tolerant with the situation. He’s been very helpful to my son and I. My other child, a daughter, 19, is in college. I’m thankful she has been away and not had to endure it. My son as been diagnosed with schizophrenia. He hears and sees things that don’t exist. It’s been dreadful watching his symptoms grow worse. A month ago, I received a tax bill from the IRS for $11,000. Apparently, when I used my QDRO money settlement from my divorce to put a down payment on a house, not enough taxes were taken out due to a tax bracket increase. Then the state sent their revised bill as well. My heart aches literally...my relationship hasn’t changed much with the girls and my fiancé is really trying hard to hang on. My depression is beginning to ruin all that I’ve worked for. My fiancé cuts our arguments and goes to bed. He’s mentally drained as well. He’s withdrawing money out of his 401k and I’ve used quite a bit of the money from my investment to pay the mortgages. To literally top it all, we are selling a house he owns that he rented. We’ve been working on it over a year. It’s an hour away in the country and trips out there to make repairs has sucked us dry of energy. I doubt we can sell it until next spring. Not sure what we will do if so. More money out of his 401k I guess. We will need to sell my house next and then move into his house he’s been living in for three years. There isnt enough room for all of us so we will need to finish the basement with bedrooms first. We’ve racked up debt fixing up the rental that will need to be paid off when we sell the houses. Until my son is stable, I can’t get back to work to help. My fiancé knows that I’m really not in any shape to go back right now.
God, some days I wake calling out your name. I know you’re here. I’m asking this community to help me with any suggestions. I’m asking for you to pray for me even though God is so close to me. I’ve almost given up hope at times.
Thank you for letting me vent. It’s too embarrassing to tell anyone what I’ve been living with.
Monarchlover
is to realize that you are not alone. When you came to Christ Jesus, you were provided an avenue by which help is but a supplication away from having the ball start rolling to a resolution in Him, and to His Glory. Difficult as this may be don't be concerned/focused so much on the monetary aspects of what you are going through, because you belong to He who is Jehovah-Jireh, God my provider, will sustain you through all of it! 
