Needing a Miracle for possibly bipolar husband

[Lostdaughter]

This is going to be long but I feel I have no one to really talk to. My husband and I separated due to being emotionally and verbally abused. He has lied to me throughout our whole relationship. He becomes really angry and says really mean things. We spoke to several counselors and they have said that he may be depressed. We had sex before marriage and he threatened one time to blackmail me and tell my parents when we were dating. Maybe that's why I stayed with him, I dunno. One life event was when his father passed away and he had moved to be with me out of state. I don't think that's when it really started because before that he lied. However, I think that's part of why it became so bad. He lied about a ring he got me when we were engaged, lied about financial aid that we were going to use for our wedding and only had two weeks. Yes, we were very young and naive. We had moved in together and felt the best thing to do was get married since we "loved" each other. I didn't have the best relationship with my father so I guess I felt my husband could "save" me. Well fast forward we ended up having to stay in my aunt's apartment and that's when I gave birth to my daughter. I found out he looked at porn and we argued he would just leave the house and not come home until late. He also received text messages that seemed kind of odd but he is adamant that he has never cheated on me. I found out that he did not pay the bills because the power company came and shut it off. That's when I found out he had lost his job. He opened a secret bank account and had transferred our tax refund into it. We ended up having a lemon car and had to move out of the apartment due to plumbing issues. Due to our credit and his background history we could not qualify for our own apartment so we went to live at my parents. It was not a good move so we ended up staying in a hotel, he had gone back to work for his old company. I later found out he had stolen money from his boss I guess to pay for the hotel. I told him to put it back and he said that he would. We ended up not being able to stay at the hotel anymore because it was getting too expensive so we stayed with my sister for a little bit. During this time i started working from home and bringing some income, we were relying on the tax refund that was supposed to come because his boss had found a place that would accept us. We couldn't stay at my sister's house either so went back to the motel. We soon had run out of money and were going to be homeless. My husband didn't seem to care, he was going to give up. I had done research and found a place that would help and it was a blessing. It was a transition house. We decided to give it a try and they were able to help us with the down payment and first months rent for the apt. We moved into the apartment and I found out my husband had lied and forged documents saying that the bank was holding onto the tax refund. I called IRS and was told that it was offset to our student loans. All this time I was relying on that tax refund. He forged documents and I told him we should go see a lawyer, we came upon a great lawyer and he ALLOWED us to continue even though he knew exactly what happened to the refund. Other things were going on as well. He would get really angry and threaten to kill himself with a knife that he would take into the bathroom. It was myself, our daughter and him that lived in the apartment. His boss found out and threatened to take him to jail. I found out I was pregnant again (not a smart move I know) anyways that night we prayed. He was so SCARED TO DEATH. We prayed and by God's grace he was spared, the boss said he would not press charges but he had to pay it back. I started making good income from home and because we were expecting our second child I was looking for more affordable housing and one that was a one story. We found a place and the landlord has been a true blessing. We had our son and things were going ok. I got my husband into working from home, he would do the same jobs as me. However, we ended up getting behind on rent and had to sell our car. We became carless for a year. We had to ask for help to pay for rent and got the help. Things seemed to be getting much better. I was able to find a program that would help us with REBUILDING our credit and offered a low interest rate program. We finally got a car. We would argue because I still had trust issues, I think my trust for him just completely went out the window because of being lied to over and over. There were times that he told the truth but he still would get angry and leave the house. I think another thing is his anger. He gets so angry. He said he's mostly angry at himself for all the pain he caused me. However I found out he stole our kids money and gambled. We got into huge arguments and he got really angry, said very ungodly things and smashed my work phone with a wrench...that's when I left to my parents because I couldn't take it anymore. It was arguing every week and I admit it was probably because he felt I was accusing him for stuff. I got him hooked up with the job that I was doing and he's been doing that now. I unfortunately got let go and am struggling staying at my parents house. It hurts because I remember all those times I helped him out and to him I'm just a stranger. He helps out his friend with money and everyone else. I am treated like dirt. I am supposed to be his wife and I feel so disrespected and used. The last couple of weeks I have been really contemplating a divorce. He doesn't think I will follow through with it. It's not what I want. I feel it's the only choice. I've been praying to God, however I remember all the pain and think "why should I give him a chance?" He's had many chances. It would help if he showed he even cared about me still but he hasn't. It's like he completely shutoff his emotions with me. I want to get closure, I want to know why he did those things to me, if he ever cheated on me. I feel that IF he is bi-polar that during his episodes he may have cheated on me and just won't admit it. I just don't know anymore. I NEED to see if he even cares. I feel like maybe God is saying that he needs help and only I can help him get that help. Sorry for the long post, is there anyone that knows anything about bi-polar disorder, could he possibly have it? Thank you for reading.

 

[Boanerges]

That guy is far worse than bipolar. Personally I would not believe a word he said.
I would like to make a few suggestions to you:

Get some Pastoral counseling; Pastors are trained to help and may have resources to meet your needs.
Get far away from that fellow until he submits to counseling. Addictive and destructive personalities only feed on your help - it amounts to you enabling them.

Yo and your family are in my prayers.

 

[Brad Huber]

My ex-wife had bi-polar disorder, she thankfully divorced me after 6 1/2 years of marriage, where about 5 of those years had me depressed to the point of thoughts of suicide to end my pain of being with her. It was only after she was out of my life for about a year did my life become more than a paltry existence. I urge you to no longer be unequally yoked with this man, don't walk, but run away from him, to a shelter or something of the sort and do not contact him for at least 18 months afterwards. This will give you time to clear your head of fear, add some wisdom, and give you perhaps a group of new friends as an emotional support. Then only write to him asking about him if you still want to mend fences, and give him only a Post office box to respond to. If you decide to re-unite with him at a later time, understand that any promise he makes could well be a lie, and he may harbor hidden resentment at your freedom from him.

 

[Lostdaughter]

Thank you for your advice. I am discouraged to hear some of what was said but I guess I need to hear the truth. I had prayed and really felt God telling me to not give up on him. I still doubt him and it's very hard. I don't want him to think I am accusing him.

 

[Boanerges]

My friend, pulling back and not enabling someone is not the same as giving up on them. Many times such a one has to hit rock bottom before they start to look up. Honestly, I would not be surprised to find that there are also drugs involoved as addicts use many of those same tactics on those who care for them.

 

[AbbysAunt]

Hi Lostdaughter,

There is a big difference in giving up on someone and backing away so God can work. You have two children a son and a daughter is this correct? Let me ask you something let's say one day down the road your daughter gets married would you want her to stay with this man if he was not treating her right and essentially hurting her and her children? By staying with this man and not backing way and getting way you might be sending a message to her that it's ok for her to stay with someone who does this to her and it's not ok for any man to hurt someone he claims to love. Also your son is seeing how his dad is and learning lessons from him in this. Do you want him to grow up learning it's ok to treat women badly and then putting what he learns into practice. By letting go of his man and getting away you are saving yourself and your children and it doesn't mean you are giving up on him. You can pray for him and by putting him in God's hands you are doing the best thing for him and your children. He needs help lostdaughter more than you can ever give him. You and your children deserve happiness and to be safe that's what you all need right now.

God wants for you and your children to be happy and safe. Don't give up on your husband but do it by praying for him and giving him over to God totally. Letting go isn't easy but God will help you do it and He will help you mend your broken heart. Praying for you my friend and sister.

God bless you AA

 

[Furious_Love]

@ Lostdaughter

I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar 13 years ago, was diagnosed Major Depressive Disorder a couple of years after that, schizoaffective-affective some time after that. I am no analyst; I can only use my own experience.

When I was a drug addict I would do things that were not true of myself many times just to get my fix and would be crying (sometimes) going down the road to get my stuff. I would use the last resources of income to get my fix. Fully knowing I was an addict came 12 years after my diagnosis. I was to spend our last penny just to have my fix many times. Let’s go back to my diagnosis 13 years ago. I was not an addict then; I did not use drugs and would drink only on special occasions. My diagnosis came about when I was hospitalised for near on a month after a psychotic episode. That is the epitome of Bi-Polar…being manic and delusional. The other spectrum of Bi-Polar is the depression that sucks life from you; day becomes night and continues that way until you come out from the dark places of your mind where you would go. It is rather cyclic. Does your hubby show any of these signs?

Twice I weened myself of my medication thinking God would look after me, twice I started becoming Hyper-Manic and put myself back on my medication. The last hospitalisation (weened myself again) was an acute Psychotic episode just last year and needed to stay there until the psychosis stopped and I was able to prove I was safe from harm and my family’s safety. Praise God for His magnificent love towards me and my family.

As far as your husband is concerned it can be a tough learning curve to try to understand someone diagnosed Bi-Polar. I do not share this story easily as my pride gets in the way sometimes. I would like to use the analogy that a leopard does not change its spots. Before my psychosis, before my diagnosis, before my addictions I am the same man from my childhood. I have grown since then and believe I am a better man for all my suffering I have had to endure, including my family. What was the man you married, is he the same? Can you reflect back and feel the love you two had. If I could talk with your hubby I would say the same thing to him as my Minister friend would say. “You cannot help someone to change if they don’t want to change". I heard this and it hit home that I was not being the man God intended me to be.

Do you want to end the marriage you now have? It is a tough decision in making that happen. If you can think back to the day you two met and the feelings you had for each other. There had to be love there between the two of you. Can you remember those feelings, can he?

The reason I have used my experiences is for you to see that one can function beyond Bi-Polar and addictions that can ruin lives if not addressed.

You have my sympathy and my prayers that you two can go beyond the way you two are at the moment and find your true love once more. I would also like to share a story that came about by my hospitalisation. There were certain people who thought our marriage would break down and dissolve after my third hospitalisation as I was not the same man whom my wife loved. Those words of wisdom from others only enhanced her love for me and she has gone through a lot. If my wife can love a man like myself…

For you
(Mat 5:6-8) Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, For they shall be filled. (7) Blessed are the merciful, For they shall obtain mercy. (8) Blessed are the pure in heart, For they shall see God.


For Your Hubby viewing porn.
(Pro 5:20-22) For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, And be embraced in the arms of a seductress? (21) For the ways of man are before the eyes of the LORD, And He ponders all his paths.
(22) His own iniquities entrap the wicked man, And he is caught in the cords of his sin.

(1Co 7:3a) Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her.

(Col 3:19) Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them.

(Eph 5:25) Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,

These verses are directed at me too.

(Psa 37:39) But the salvation of the righteous is from the LORD; He is their strength in the time of trouble.

For Your Marriage
Dear Lord of Hosts who holds the ransom to our eternal life, Bless you and Bless Lostdaughter in her times of trouble. May Lostdaughter and her husband both be lifted up to the heavens and restore to Lostdaughter the vows they once spoke to each other. May our Lord surround you as we lift your name to the Father.
In Christ Jesus I pray and ask this dear Lord.

 

[Giggles4God]

I was diagnosed Bi-polar about 6/7 years ago, but I am probably the cheeriest bi-polar person you will ever meet! I have only had one "maniac" episode (the one that got me to go into the hospital). So...I don't know if your husband is or not, but you have to choose for yourself after much prayer and counsel what to do. It won't be easy either way. May God...the Healer of all things HEAL your relationship and your husband in all ways that are needed.