Obeying Parents

AudreyNicole · Jun 9, 2011

Is there anything in the bible that goes along with the 18 = adult rule? In America, being 18 means your an adult and don't have to be under the authority of your parents any longer. But it seems in the bible, people are under the authority of their parents as long as they live in the same house.

I guess I just ask because I'm almost 20, but I still live at home. I don't have the means to move out quite yet. My parents are really strict, though, and still treat me like I'm 13... it's terribly annoying, but I feel like I'm stuck with their rules until I move out. Is this the case, or can I assert my adulthood?

David777 · Jun 9, 2011

Hello Audrey.

In what ways are your parents strict?

I wish my parents were strict when I was your age.

Your free to move out Audrey when you have the necessary means.

AudreyNicole · Jun 9, 2011

Well my dad is a very paranoid person, so he has a lot of worries and fears. I'm very thankful for their guidance, but sometimes I'd like them to let me be an adult.

I've never been allowed to have friends over, and I can't go over to other peoples' houses. I can't go to concerts. I've never been allowed to have a sleep over, or sleep over at someone's house. I'm not allowed to see PG-13+ movies. I can't go to the mall alone. I can't be out of the house past 6... just lots of things like this.

I've been pretty OK about it over my 19 years, but there is a really awesome city wide youth group worship night going on tomorrow at a church and I'd love to go, but my dad might not let me because its at 7 PM. I know why he wont let me... he's afraid when I drive at night I'll get hit by a drunk driver. But it's only about 15 min from our house... He wouldn't even let my mom drive me over.

I understand why he's like he is, hes a father after all, but sometimes I think he worries a little too much. And I've missed out on a lot during my life because I haven't been able to do things that kids do. I guess its just hard now because I'm older and I still have to make stuff up to my friends about why I can't hang out with them.

David777 · Jun 10, 2011

Hello again Audrey.

Yes, i will certainly agree with you that your father is very strict.
In fact, I think he has far exceeded his duty of care for you.

I suppose it is not possible to say "Hey Dad I am 20 years old, I am going out tonight, get over it."

Or, "I know you love me dad, but I have a life to live. Hey dad at what age were you allowed out at night."

Even, "Hello gramps you need help, see you later, do not know what time I will be home."

My heart goes out to you Audrey, this is indeed a difficult situation to be in.

David777 · Jun 10, 2011

Further.

Dear Audrey, I am not aware of the scriptual passages relating to your father's control over you?

This is a different era to the Biblical era, would these passages be relevant today?

Gee, this is beyond my experience to deal with. Perhaps there are other Christians who may be more aware of this issue.

When I was ten years old I could go out and not come home. I was not even asked where I had been. This had its repercussions later in life, expelled from school, etc. So you can see that I am ill equipped to answer your request.

Imagine how much you will enjoy your freedom when you gain it!

happyharold4 · Jun 10, 2011

Ephesians 6 says to obey and honor your parents---But verse 4 is interesting, " And ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: But bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord "---Basically it means for the parent not to be so over bearing that it breaks the youths spirit---There has to be some give and take.

Are your parents born again Christians---Were you home schooled---If your not exaggerating the situation, then you are an exceptional young lady to have grown up under those restraints and not to have rebelled long ago---You seem pretty solid in your own faith in the Lord which is wonderful---I am surrounded by teenage girls all the time, (mostly from Christian homes), and I'd give anything to have a couple like yourself in the mix---If Christ came today, I don't have the confidence of any of them making it to glory---If I had to go to court and testify against them for being Christians, I don't think I'd have anything to say for anyone of them---It's so sad, I love em all like a surrogate dad, but all I can do is pray for them--------------------When you do move out try your best to be careful, as the devil goes about as a roaring lion and will seek to devour you, mostly by trying to tempt you to experience as much of the worldly pleasures that you have avoided thus far---I think if you stay in close Christian fellowship you will do fine.

No you shouldn't exercise your your adulthood---You know your dad's standards and have chosen to live there past 18------But you should try to talk with him as a young adult---Try to get him to open up and talk with you---If no go, the perhaps have your pastor come over and counsel with the 2 of you together???

Happy

AudreyNicole · Jun 10, 2011

David777 said:
When I was ten years old I could go out and not come home. I was not even asked where I had been. This had its repercussions later in life, expelled from school, etc. So you can see that I am ill equipped to answer your request.

Imagine how much you will enjoy your freedom when you gain it!

Entering college and architecture school, I'm am seeing now just how beneficial my disciplined upbringing is becoming. I realize that what I've lived through is much different than most kids' experiences, but I know the Lord brought me through that for a reason and I think my disciplined and determined spirit will keep me going strong in the future.

And yes, I will very much enjoy my freedom when I do move out

Property Of God · Jun 10, 2011

I'm sorry about your parents. My parents were very strict when I was younger (I'm 23 now) and I so appreciate how their strictness paid off and protected me through the years. Good parents should be strict (to some point off course)

You should honor and respect your parents, but you definitely don't have to do everything they tell you to do. If they're really pushy and controlling, try to be on your own or get a roommate so you don't have to argue with them.

Best of luck.

AudreyNicole · Jun 10, 2011

happyharold4 said:
Ephesians 6 says to obey and honor your parents---But verse 4 is interesting, " And ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: But bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord "---Basically it means for the parent not to be so over bearing that it breaks the youths spirit---There has to be some give and take.

Are your parents born again Christians---Were you home schooled---If your not exaggerating the situation, then you are an exceptional young lady to have grown up under those restraints and not to have rebelled long ago---You seem pretty solid in your own faith in the Lord which is wonderful---I am surrounded by teenage girls all the time, (mostly from Christian homes), and I'd give anything to have a couple like yourself in the mix---If Christ came today, I don't have the confidence of any of them making it to glory---If I had to go to court and testify against them for being Christians, I don't think I'd have anything to say for anyone of them---It's so sad, I love em all like a surrogate dad, but all I can do is pray for them--------------------When you do move out try your best to be careful, as the devil goes about as a roaring lion and will seek to devour you, mostly by trying to tempt you to experience as much of the worldly pleasures that you have avoided thus far---I think if you stay in close Christian fellowship you will do fine.

No you shouldn't exercise your your adulthood---You know your dad's standards and have chosen to live there past 18------But you should try to talk with him as a young adult---Try to get him to open up and talk with you---If no go, the perhaps have your pastor come over and counsel with the 2 of you together???

Happy

Hello Herald... that's the same verse I was thinking of. My parents are both christian, and I was in public school all my life. My father is from a strict baptist upbringing, but I think most of his strictness comes from fear, not necessarily Godly principles. I wish I was exaggerating but believe it or not that's not even the half of it. I can say I have never rebelled because I think my father would have literally killed me... he can get pretty mad.

Before I was saved, I held a lot of bitterness against my father for the way he treated my mother, sister and I. And my life dream was to move out asap and basically leave my family forever. When I was little and he would make me angry, I would always just remember my plan, and that's how I've gotten through.

Now however, after being saved, I've realized that my leaving the situation would just make it worse for my little sis and mum... so I'm staying, and trying to get God back into this family. I no longer am bitter against my father but have found forgiveness through Christ... and I know his personality is not based out of hate, but out of fear. I used to think he hated me, but now I see he loves me... his love is just a little off. So, I've decided to pray that God will help him with his fear and worrying, and teach him what true love is.

I am well aware of the sin that can come with freedom... honestly I'm a little afraid to move out because I know there will be such a world of sin out there. But thank God He is and has been working in me for the past year to prepare me for my future and my life of "freedom". I've found a lot of wonderful Godly Christian friends at my church so I think they will be able to keep me stable. Also drinking, partying, sleeping around, etc. all that stuff is gross to me so I stay far away from such activities. I think I'll be fine when I move out, I am now just hoping my family will be OK; I want to make sure we are stable before I leave.

Your idea of asking a pastor for help is a good one, though my father doesn't think anything is wrong... so I'll have to start prepping for that. But thanks for your advice.

Oh and P.S.,
In my young women's bible study we've been praying for your daughter! I hope she's doing well!

AudreyNicole · Jun 10, 2011

Property Of God said:
I'm sorry about your parents. My parents were very strict when I was younger (I'm 23 now) and I so appreciate how their strictness paid off and protected me through the years. Good parents should be strict (to some point off course)

You should honor and respect your parents, but you definitely don't have to do everything they tell you to do. If they're really pushy and controlling, try to be on your own or get a roommate so you don't have to argue with them.

Best of luck.

Thanks! I definitely don't argue. Harsh words never get anywhere or help anything... through the grace of God I'm able to be submissive and patient. And I would definitely like to move out, but 1. I have no way to support myself, and 2. I don't think that would be good for my family.

I started going to church about 9 months ago and they started going with me, and there was definite change once that happened... but unfortunately now it seems to be kind of wearing off. So I'm still trying to get God into this family permanently... and I don't want to leave before that happens.

I suppose it is just difficult because so many of my friends are off living their own lives now and I still feel stuck.

MsMree · Jun 10, 2011

I do a little prayer ministry and we focus highly on honouring your parents. This is about honouring the POSITION of your parents even if their BEHAVIOUR is dishonourable.

I find it useful to describe it like this: You owe your honour of your parent to God, not your parents, and it is regardless of what they do. They owe it to God not to exasperate you and they owe it to God to bring you up in training and instruction of the Lord, regardless of what you do. Every parent and every child will give their account of their behaviour toward each other and they will give that account to God.

Training and instruction of the Lord would be lacking if it wasn't out of love not fear, power not timidity and Christian freedom not Pharisee-like restriction.

I don't think your father is fulfilling his end of the bargain, but that is between him and God. Move out and you will be able to find some more freedom. But you will always owe it to God to honour your dad as long as you live

Biblically people were adults at 13 when they reached the age of responsibility, Bar or Bat Mitzvah, child of the covenant and law, that is my understanding.

Hope this all this helps somehow.

Try discussing these issues calmly and respectfully with your father and see if he can teach you something more about why he has chosen the path he has chosen.

Also look up what the word honour means. Cause it may not require some of the things you think it requires. For instance if it is true that your dad is acting from fear, and an unreasonable unfounded fear, then you don't have to "honour" him by playing along with his insecurities. You can honour him by telling him he raised a wise, faithful, resourceful daughter who knows how to make good, wise and healthy decisions and plans to attend the concert.

All the best!

MsMree · Jun 10, 2011

Also, quickly, I just re-read what you said. God does not ask you to be a third parent in the situation with your mother and sister. There are two adults in leadership in your family already, your mother and father. If between the two of them they cannot sort it out God will still not okay you stepping in and being a third adult. I think you will struggle to hear this from me, but you can pray for his change of heart while modelling to all three of them the correct, Godly, healthy way of relating to one another through love and respect, but not through unhealthy submission. Submission is a gorgeous and beautiful teaching, but don't use it to justify people treating other people badly, that was not God's intent.

You dad needs a new understanding, probably you, your mum and your sister also. And he will not gain a new perspective while people are maintaining the status quo and letting him behave unacceptably.

Again, all the best!

AudreyNicole · Jun 11, 2011

MissM'ree said:
I do a little prayer ministry and we focus highly on honouring your parents. This is about honouring the POSITION of your parents even if their BEHAVIOUR is dishonourable.

I find it useful to describe it like this: You owe your honour of your parent to God, not your parents, and it is regardless of what they do. They owe it to God not to exasperate you and they owe it to God to bring you up in training and instruction of the Lord, regardless of what you do. Every parent and every child will give their account of their behaviour toward each other and they will give that account to God.

Training and instruction of the Lord would be lacking if it wasn't out of love not fear, power not timidity and Christian freedom not Pharisee-like restriction.

I don't think your father is fulfilling his end of the bargain, but that is between him and God. Move out and you will be able to find some more freedom. But you will always owe it to God to honour your dad as long as you live

Biblically people were adults at 13 when they reached the age of responsibility, Bar or Bat Mitzvah, child of the covenant and law, that is my understanding.

Hope this all this helps somehow.

Try discussing these issues calmly and respectfully with your father and see if he can teach you something more about why he has chosen the path he has chosen.

Also look up what the word honour means. Cause it may not require some of the things you think it requires. For instance if it is true that your dad is acting from fear, and an unreasonable unfounded fear, then you don't have to "honour" him by playing along with his insecurities. You can honour him by telling him he raised a wise, faithful, resourceful daughter who knows how to make good, wise and healthy decisions and plans to attend the concert.

All the best!

<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w

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ontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--> Yes! This has helped me. Your explanation of honoring is kind of how I think of forgiving... you don't forgive another for their sake, your forgive for your own sake so that you can be blameless before God. And I think that's kind of how I've been trying to honor my parents... not necessarily because they deserve it, but because it's what God wants for me. And that's definitely how I've been able to cope with them.

I do hope to move out sometime soon, but unfortunately that would probably mean putting off my education for a while and I could never do that... so I suppose I have to take what I can get.

As for not being a third parent, I think I get what your saying, but it can be hard sometimes because I've always been sort of the mediator in the family. My mother and father can be so childlike sometimes when they fight and I've always sort of been the referee, so its hard for me to not be the "parent". I know its not my job, and probably is unhealthy for me, but if I don't, they will constantly be arguing and I'd much rather have peace... so I've always just been fine playing peacemaker. That's always been my role in this family and I don't know how to be any different. I suppose that is where I need to give control up to God... but I just hate the nonsense that goes on; and honestly, I don't think my parents want to change. How can God change something that is unwilling to move? I feel like their hearts have been completely hardened.

I know it doesn't help just to "live with it".... but it seems so much easier than constant fighting. I want change, and I'm trying to instill that, but I don't think anyone else does... so it seems like almost a futile pursuit.

AudreyNicole · Jun 11, 2011

MissM'ree said:
Try discussing these issues calmly and respectfully with your father and see if he can teach you something more about why he has chosen the path he has chosen.

Oh, and here's my psychologist insight on his personality lol:

He is from Kenya. He came to the states when he was in his mid 20's to go to school. When he left Kenya he left behind his entire life and family and hasn't seen or talked to them since. I can't imagine leaving my family and life behind for something completely unknown... I imagine it would create quite the hole in my heart though.

Anyways, I feel that maybe he misses his "old" family so much that he holds on that much tighter to his "new" family-- us.

Kind of like when a parent loses a child... I know that they usually become much more protective over their other children... especially if they only have 1 other. They lost one so they hold on even tighter to the other. Perhaps that is why my dad tries to hold on to us so tightly... I just don't think he realizes that holding on that tight can squeeze the life out of someone... kind of like when a child hugs a puppy too tightly, they don't realize what they think is love is actually hurting the poor thing.

MsMree · Jun 12, 2011

You seem like a remarkably sensible 20 year old. (Coming from a 24 year old, haha.) The thing you said about honour and forgiveness is completely true. Many people take years and years to figure that out. Hold on to that piece of wisdom.

AudreyNicole said:
 As for not being a third parent, I think I get what your saying, but it can be hard sometimes because I've always been sort of the mediator in the family. My mother and father can be so childlike sometimes when they fight and I've always sort of been the referee, so its hard for me to not be the "parent". I know its not my job, and probably is unhealthy for me, but if I don't, they will constantly be arguing and I'd much rather have peace... so I've always just been fine playing peacemaker. That's always been my role in this family and I don't know how to be any different. I suppose that is where I need to give control up to God... but I just hate the nonsense that goes on; and honestly, I don't think my parents want to change. How can God change something that is unwilling to move? I feel like their hearts have been completely hardened.

I do know how you feel, I have been there myself. However it is not "probably" unhealthy, it's completely unhealthy, and it has the potential to cause trouble for you not just later in life, but also particularly in your marriage. I enjoyed the responsibility of keeping the peace between my parents and the way they would confide in me about the other. I felt important and powerful and I never thought it was an unhealthy power.

I understand you say you don't know how to be any different but God wants to renew your mind in this area. You do need to give up your inappropriate control to him. He has set impersonal laws in place in the universe of reaping and sowing and if your parents are reaping discord then you are, to put it in the most direct way: defying God, to step between them and their sowing. Yes, it is true, blessed ARE the peacemakers. But that is a peace MAKER not a peace KEEPER. One of them makes peace towards all men in their heart, the other struggles to make others make peace towards each other in their hearts. The latter practice is completely futile.

I encourage you to pray to God and confess this issue and repent of it, forgive your parents and if you need to, forgive God, and then know that you are forgiven!

AudreyNicole · Jun 12, 2011

MissM'ree said:
You seem like a remarkably sensible 20 year old. (Coming from a 24 year old, haha.) The thing you said about honour and forgiveness is completely true. Many people take years and years to figure that out. Hold on to that piece of wisdom.

I do know how you feel, I have been there myself. However it is not "probably" unhealthy, it's completely unhealthy, and it has the potential to cause trouble for you not just later in life, but also particularly in your marriage. I enjoyed the responsibility of keeping the peace between my parents and the way they would confide in me about the other. I felt important and powerful and I never thought it was an unhealthy power.

I understand you say you don't know how to be any different but God wants to renew your mind in this area. You do need to give up your inappropriate control to him. He has set impersonal laws in place in the universe of reaping and sowing and if your parents are reaping discord then you are, to put it in the most direct way: defying God, to step between them and their sowing. Yes, it is true, blessed ARE the peacemakers. But that is a peace MAKER not a peace KEEPER. One of them makes peace towards all men in their heart, the other struggles to make others make peace towards each other in their hearts. The latter practice is completely futile.

I encourage you to pray to God and confess this issue and repent of it, forgive your parents and if you need to, forgive God, and then know that you are forgiven!

I suppose I've never realized that my actions could in fact be hindering God's working in this situation. Its definitely a new revelation for me, but one that one that I think is worth considering. So, I will most definitely (and most gladly) give up the reigns to God and see where He takes us... and hopefully I can find my proper place in this family, because I don't quite know where that lies.

MsMree · Jun 13, 2011

I thought about the last post I made a few times since I posted it and I felt like I needed to state on the record that while I believe there was a lot of truth in my last post, I think there was a lot of ME in the post too and I get the feeling it might not have been where God was leading. I'm only just learning about God leading and me following when it comes to talking and making posts here. So essentially what I'm trying to say is, run everything past your own Holy Spirit filter, assuming that is possible, cause I get the idea that's what I should have done, and I didn't do it, and I'm not exactly sure how... but I just felt like I needed to follow up my post with something. If you want me to pray with you at any time about this I'd be very eager to. I apologise if the last post did have a no so good effect on someone? I don't know.

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