Old Tapes Still Playing In My Head After All These Years

[Arabhorselover]

Hi. I don't really expect anyone to be able to do anything about this, but I guess I just need to vent. I am 54 years old and have come a long way, but my self esteem is still in the pits. Part of it comes from the way I was raised, and part of it from my being born with an eye defect that caused one of my eyes to be turned in for my entire life until I finally had it corrected in my 40s. I have spent a lifetime being afraid to look at people and have them make comments and possibly reject me. Also, my Mother put a lot of guilt on me as I was growing up, and for many years after. My father was not the type that could show affection, and I didn't have any really positive role models. When my opinion of myself was forming, nobody told me I was okay the way I was.

Skipping ahead many years I have been married for 23 years now to a man who truly loves me just the way I am. However, all these years we have the problem of my feelings getting hurt too easily. He is a very outspoken person who tends to say exactly what he thinks. He doesn't mean to hurt me, but my feelings are very easily hurt when it comes form him since I so badly want him to be pleased with me. The thing is, he usually is. I take a lot of things the wrong way. I feel criticized and judged. I end up first trying to defend myself, and then crying and extremely upset. I go in my mind to this awful dark place where I feel like I am at fault for everything, and where I feel worthless and totally undeserving of love. It is hard for me to crawl out of that place, and I keep ending up back there time and time again. It is difficult for my husband and I to have a conversation, and I feel bad for him that I am so sensitive. He isn't perfect, although when I get in that mood, I feel like he is. I feel terrible about all the awful wasted times we have had because of this. I also worry that at some point he won't be able to take it anymore. I do pray about this, but it seems like I will never get past this.

Thank you for listening.

Lisa

 

[Chad]

Hi Lisa,

I'd like to share a very brief testimony of my own that may help you, and I hope blesses you. I became born again in 2002. I used to hate reading, until I purchased from my first bible back in '02 and couldn't wait to read it. The Holy Spirit impressed on my heart to seek wisdom. That was exactly why I bought the bible at the time. I didn't understand why of all the places, books and things I could've chosen, I chose the bible. Now, I understand. I love reading and have since then. Moreso, the only books I've ever read the past 13 years strictly, only Christian books. I have no interest outside this field. This being said, I've read endless books about abuse, redemption, etc. When I read your post, I quickly remembered this book about a Christian author (female) who is pretty popular now. Stormie Omartian. She wrote many books by now and one of the most popular one is called "Stormie: A Story of Forgiveness and Healing". I believe this is the one I read. Your post sounds similar to what she wrote about. Abusive mom, dad. Self esteem issues. Hurting your spouse because of these deeply ingrained hurts from your childhood.

Perhaps you can give that book a read. It might be a blessing to you. I was also in a very abusive marriage for almost 2 years. My ex-wife was abusive and it was all rooted in her childhood. Naturally, she would turn the tables every single time and accuse me of being abusive and all. While I had my flaws as well for sure, I knew the real problem was the memories from her childhood.

Be blessed. GOD is your strength.

 

[Arabhorselover]

Hi Lisa,

I'd like to share a very brief testimony of my own that may help you, and I hope blesses you. I became born again in 2002. I used to hate reading, until I purchased from my first bible back in '02 and couldn't wait to read it. The Holy Spirit impressed on my heart to seek wisdom. That was exactly why I bought the bible at the time. I didn't understand why of all the places, books and things I could've chosen, I chose the bible. Now, I understand. I love reading and have since then. Moreso, the only books I've ever read the past 13 years strictly, only Christian books. I have no interest outside this field. This being said, I've read endless books about abuse, redemption, etc. When I read your post, I quickly remembered this book about a Christian author (female) who is pretty popular now. Stormie Omartian. She wrote many books by now and one of the most popular one is called "Stormie: A Story of Forgiveness and Healing". I believe this is the one I read. Your post sounds similar to what she wrote about. Abusive mom, dad. Self esteem issues. Hurting your spouse because of these deeply ingrained hurts from your childhood.

Perhaps you can give that book a read. It might be a blessing to you. I was also in a very abusive marriage for almost 2 years. My ex-wife was abusive and it was all rooted in her childhood. Naturally, she would turn the tables every single time and accuse me of being abusive and all. While I had my flaws as well for sure, I knew the real problem was the memories from her childhood.

Be blessed. GOD is your strength.

Thank you very much, Chad. I have just ordered the book from Amazon after reading nothing but positive reviews about it. I have read a lot of books that I hoped would help; hopefully this one actually will.

My husband also has some issues from his childhood, but they don't affect his life as much as mine affect me. Because his Dad was extremely critical, he has a very hard time admitting he's wrong, which is such a hard thing for me to handle because it is so easy for me to take the blame for everything.

I'm sorry that you suffered in your marriage. Generally, my husband doesn't think I'm nearly as bad as I think I am.

Lisa