Separation and Divorce

[EverlastingWinter]

Hello All,

I would like some input on others if they have had a similar situation. Today me and my husband of 2 years are separating, I will be moving back to my own country in a few weeks and for the mean time living with his relatives. We soon will divorce but I need to be stable back in my home country before that happens.
How does one deal with this situation? How can I make this as amicable as possible, we both reached to a point where neither can tolerate. I do love him, even though he doesn't believe and I do think he cares for me.
He mentioned if I get a well payed job and work on it for a year he may come back and be with me again, it gives me hope however I am unsure on the logic. I believe he will start seeing other woman, or already have done so. So he will move on.
As a christian woman, am I not to ever re-marry? I just need to confirm, I doubt I could if I tried to date seen as I am already 26 and its doubtful no one would care for that. He was my first boyfriend and then became my husband.

Winter

 

[Hekuran]

Really sorry to hear this.

I was married for nearly 20 years, then went through a very painful divorce. It was not my choice at the time, but I am now glad it happened. Here are some things I learned, and some things I wish I learned earlier. They may be helpful for you, they may not...

Show kindness, love and grace - and be firm and consistent in standing for your rights
Feelings of anger, hurt, vengeance are natural and normal. Don't make your decisions based on these emotions
Find a few good friends to rely on
Read the Psalms
Try not to rationalise the situation, speculate or second guess. Set a path for yourself and follow it. The future will happen in its own time
Be open to God shaping you in a hard season.
Get used to receiving bad and misguided advice.
Meditate on the Sermon on the Mount
Write the email today, send it tomorrow
rekindle your love for things that you grew distant from while married

26 is not old. Don't rush any decisions or commitments. Finding someone new and starting again is possible. But you'll need to make sure that you've dealt with the hurt and upset of your marriage first, otherwise it's likely to multiply hurt for you and any future partner.

With prayers

 

[lentz]

Hello All,

I would like some input on others if they have had a similar situation. Today me and my husband of 2 years are separating, I will be moving back to my own country in a few weeks and for the mean time living with his relatives. We soon will divorce but I need to be stable back in my home country before that happens.
How does one deal with this situation? How can I make this as amicable as possible, we both reached to a point where neither can tolerate. I do love him, even though he doesn't believe and I do think he cares for me.
He mentioned if I get a well payed job and work on it for a year he may come back and be with me again, it gives me hope however I am unsure on the logic. I believe he will start seeing other woman, or already have done so. So he will move on.
As a christian woman, am I not to ever re-marry? I just need to confirm, I doubt I could if I tried to date seen as I am already 26 and its doubtful no one would care for that. He was my first boyfriend and then became my husband.

Winter

If you get a well paying job he may come back!? Seriously?!!
Drop that zero. The husband supports and protects his wife.

 

[EverlastingWinter]

If you get a well paying job he may come back!? Seriously?!!
Drop that zero. The husband supports and protects his wife.

He has been great in many areas, I have failed to gain a Job over and over again. With the economy nowadays two people need to contribute unless you wish to be in rather unpleasant areas. I have over the last year applied for 200+ jobs and have been rejected and ignored continuously.
He has indeed said unpleasant stuff and quoted 'lazy' but I just believe he does not understand nor see the effort I put in. Now I am unwell again so it would just be the case of moving elsewhere. Not getting into specifics I do see his side, If I could get a well paying job tomorrow I would declare to him I would pay for the rent for the year and that would make things better.
A good wife should be able to provide and serve their husband, work with him. I failed due to not being able to provide some sort of income and being sad about it. I worked for years prior to moving and just couldn't get one job, its rather bad.

 

[lentz]

He has been great in many areas, I have failed to gain a Job over and over again. With the economy nowadays two people need to contribute unless you wish to be in rather unpleasant areas. I have over the last year applied for 200+ jobs and have been rejected and ignored continuously.
He has indeed said unpleasant stuff and quoted 'lazy' but I just believe he does not understand nor see the effort I put in. Now I am unwell again so it would just be the case of moving elsewhere. Not getting into specifics I do see his side, If I could get a well paying job tomorrow I would declare to him I would pay for the rent for the year and that would make things better.
A good wife should be able to provide and serve their husband, work with him. I failed due to not being able to provide some sort of income and being sad about it. I worked for years prior to moving and just couldn't get one job, its rather bad.

A good wife stands with and supports her husband,that is true.
But not monetary support. He is the bread winner. Even if he has to get 3 jobs,it’s his responsibility.
The wife takes care of the children,house and supports him by having someone to lean on and talk to. And support him in prayer.
I get the feeling he is making you feel inferior. Calling you lazy doesn’t seem like he honors you.

 

[lentz]

In time past,when men were men and women were women,the man and wife were a team.
Back in our grandparents time especially,they stood side by side.
Through thick and thin,hard times and good.
These days money is the only thing keeping people together. Everything is fine until the money runs out. Then comes the parting of the ways.

 

[brighthouse98]

Sister Everlasting, You must do what is right for you!! Thinking about what is right for another has got you in this situation, I think. I believe you are very kind and caring! Take that care, for yourself!! I do not judge! But it is time to do what is best for you!! THEN when you are finally sure of yourself and what you both need and want you are then ready to think about another.

Do not give in to what another wants you to become!! You are what you are, and if they have a problem with that, then they can move along!! Do not betray yourself!! TEST them!!! Always!!! I am what I am, and if a woman cannot deal with that, too bad!!! LOL, I want a strong woman.

I expect her to stand for her values as I stand for mine, and if we become compatible great, if not we both move on. I do not want my woman to change to my liking!! Because I sure as hell will not change for her liking either!! Just always dear sister stand your ground!! Be who you are, because the Lord loves you that way!! Draw as near to the Lord as you possibly can, because he knows your heart, and he wants you to know your own heart as well!! Blessing dear sister!!

 

[Rockerduck]

Everlasting,
Your husband is not a man if he can't, lovingly, support you. To say, "if" you get a well paying job, he might come back. That is a worldly, narcissistic view, that money is more important than you. You are unequally yoked to be married to a worldly person. You are a young woman and I'm sure a Christian man will support you.

I was married to a unsaved person for 20 yrs. I prayed for her, supported her, took care of her. But she asked me for a divorce. I said yes and gave her everything, I asked for nothing and left with my clothes. God had provided for me as my parents had passed away and I had access to the old home. I prayed for a good Christian woman. The same day I left, I went to eat with friends and a lady was there. The Holy Spirit said this is who I have chosen for you. I let the Lord do the work. She is a Christian and we have been married 18 years now, like a good Christian marriage should be. I've supported her for for the last 18 years and God has blessed me and my marriage immeasureably.

 

[MedicBravo]

Hello All,

I would like some input on others if they have had a similar situation. Today me and my husband of 2 years are separating, I will be moving back to my own country in a few weeks and for the mean time living with his relatives. We soon will divorce but I need to be stable back in my home country before that happens.
How does one deal with this situation? How can I make this as amicable as possible, we both reached to a point where neither can tolerate. I do love him, even though he doesn't believe and I do think he cares for me.
He mentioned if I get a well payed job and work on it for a year he may come back and be with me again, it gives me hope however I am unsure on the logic. I believe he will start seeing other woman, or already have done so. So he will move on.
As a christian woman, am I not to ever re-marry? I just need to confirm, I doubt I could if I tried to date seen as I am already 26 and its doubtful no one would care for that. He was my first boyfriend and then became my husband.

Winter

Optimally, separation should lead to learning better for both and reconciliation.
My ex and I weren't Christian when we dated, married, or got divorce. I think our entire relationship was a learning thing for the both of us. We were separated for at least 18 months and got back together for awhile but ultimately didn't work.
IMO from both being married and a Christian later is that it is us against the world NOT each other.
Finding someone else must NOT be part of separation.
Loneliness can hit and hurt bad. We're so used to having that person in our lives. Studies have shown that such a sudden loss of a lover/spouse has almost the same effect as heroin withdrawal.
IMO, any couple should pursue an Christian marriage counselor.
We don't know enough about either of you. A fix for any relationship is neither easy or quick.

 

[EverlastingWinter]

Optimally, separation should lead to learning better for both and reconciliation.
My ex and I weren't Christian when we dated, married, or got divorce. I think our entire relationship was a learning thing for the both of us. We were separated for at least 18 months and got back together for awhile but ultimately didn't work.
IMO from both being married and a Christian later is that it is us against the world NOT each other.
Finding someone else must NOT be part of separation.
Loneliness can hit and hurt bad. We're so used to having that person in our lives. Studies have shown that such a sudden loss of a lover/spouse has almost the same effect as heroin withdrawal.
IMO, any couple should pursue an Christian marriage counselor.
We don't know enough about either of you. A fix for any relationship is neither easy or quick.

In a way to say this not so specific, I asked as he is wanting me to find someone for him immediately, and I would have to beg to stay as a roommate. So I would have to find him like 2 woman a week to be able to even be secure for a period of time alongside having a 'real job' with a specific amount of money. Whilst he says anyone over 23 is a no as their too old for marriage and probably will not be Christian and so on.
I am currently not in his home and with his family until I get better, after a reaction and how he responded I think I may just give up.
If I do leave and go to my home country my priority is getting a job, some friends and a pet dog, I believe that you have to love yourself before you start loving someone else. If you hate who you are or have trauma then its best to fix that mess before getting in a relationship. I also believe you should only date for intention to marry and after this- its likely I doubt I can trust anyone to marry ever. I just wanted a family and I was told I was not good enough to have his kids.
With loneliness, I have been lonely for over a year whilst with him, I am used to being very alone. A pet will be nice to have a companion that actually wants to spend time with you.

I think I am tired and done. Thank you for your story. And thank you for everyone else comments, I have been reading but my situation has gotten from bad to worse, to even worse so for now I can only observe for a period of time. I really am not well at the moment that's all.

Winter

 

[MedicBravo]

In a way to say this not so specific, I asked as he is wanting me to find someone for him immediately, and I would have to beg to stay as a roommate. So I would have to find him like 2 woman a week to be able to even be secure for a period of time alongside having a 'real job' with a specific amount of money. Whilst he says anyone over 23 is a no as their too old for marriage and probably will not be Christian and so on.
I am currently not in his home and with his family until I get better, after a reaction and how he responded I think I may just give up.
If I do leave and go to my home country my priority is getting a job, some friends and a pet dog, I believe that you have to love yourself before you start loving someone else. If you hate who you are or have trauma then its best to fix that mess before getting in a relationship. I also believe you should only date for intention to marry and after this- its likely I doubt I can trust anyone to marry ever. I just wanted a family and I was told I was not good enough to have his kids.
With loneliness, I have been lonely for over a year whilst with him, I am used to being very alone. A pet will be nice to have a companion that actually wants to spend time with you.

I think I am tired and done. Thank you for your story. And thank you for everyone else comments, I have been reading but my situation has gotten from bad to worse, to even worse so for now I can only observe for a period of time. I really am not well at the moment that's all.

Winter

I would suggest a pet not being on the priority list. Not asking where you live but that is another living thing you have to take care of. The void is painful.
The end of a relationship is hard even when it's an agreed thing. Men tend to get "hit" faster and harder earlier on while women tend to not get that "hit" until later.
In America, at a time, couples dated for some time and even. optimally wanted their parents approval.
People simply generally don't value getting and being married. So many run from it when there are much harder things that could happen to a couple.
There's no guarantee marriage is going to work but a Christian must find solutions to problems aside from infidelity. If that's a factor in this, (not asking for yes or no) then by God and the Bible that's a legit reason for divorce.