teen stuff again

[calluna]

Long post, Thanks and I appreciate you reading it.

My nearly 16 year old son is out of town on vacation. husband and I have been revamping his furniture & decorating, as a surprise makeover for his room.

During all the clearing out, we discovered condoms, & some pills we found in a little baggy. You know his dad and me, do our best. We of course have shared the practical dangers of these things and consequences, and the spiritual side, though that's is usually me who does that. And just lots of prayer.
I need to say something though and I just need to get it off my chest, I just don't think my husband spends enough time with our son, he works horrendous hours alot of weekends and maybe sees our son 5 mins here and there. Maybe an afternoon once in a blue moon. It is more often or not me who goes to the spiritual side of things and I share scripture and bible with my son and I pray with him. But I just think my son really needs his dad and it should be him doing these things. And I have tried to broach this subject to my husband before, our oldest son who is nearly 21 just totally went off the rails in his late teens and it was terrible.

My husband's reaction was silent when he noticed the condoms and pills, he just mumbled and grunted and carried on painting. I wanted to talk, he didn't.

The sex thing, yes I am very sad to think that my son is probably no longer a virgin. I am totally disappointed and angry aswell, somewhat with my son and just at the whole world we live in and the way the media and how teenagers are just bombarded with sex and partying and that crud I am so sad, because virginity is something I know is so precious to keep and once it's gone it cannot be regained. The pills, now that scares me and really concerns me alot. Don't know what they are, but I know it isn't good and know it isn't cold medicine!

My son stopped going to youth group, he just flat out stopped and said he no longer wanted to go, I don't know if there was an arguement or what. But I can't force him to go.

The church we go to as a family does not have a teen ministry or anything. Alot of young kids at our church, not much going on for my son. He doesn't even like coming to church with us, but that is something he has to do, while he lives with us.

Son returns tomorrow, excited about seeing him, haven't seen him for 2 weeks. But I know we have to find the right time to bring this situation up.

I just don't know anymore. I just pray more than anything because I just don't think what I or my husband says is really going to make much difference. Our son really is in God's hands.

Here is something else aswell, say if my husband and I create harsher restrictions on our son, I would like to ban him from the computer aswell. My husband works all hours of the day. I am the one who has to hold the fort all the time, I am the one who has to be the disciplinarian. It's like I am a single parent alot of the time. My son gets arguementative and I get really tired because of symptoms of my disease. I feel like I need my husband around as back up. And it just seems to be getting harder communicating with my son. He is becoming more distant.

How much influence does a Christian mom have on her son?

Please any suggestions, advice, prayers appreciated aswell.

Calluna

 

[Faithful Son]

How much influence does a Christian mom have on her son?

I'll start off by answering that question sister Calluna. A lot.
A Christian mom has a lot of influence on her son. I was a drop out at school, never even graduated. My mom kept praying for me. I committed horrendous sexual sins, my mom kept praying for me. I refused to be part of the family gatherings including church and again my mom kept praying for me.

Jesus saves, we are drawn by the Father to Jesus and He saves us. My mom played a role in this.

I have to be quite honest with you, no matter how offended or hurt your son gets if you put your foot down, rather put it down. My mom is not perfect, she could not control my behaviour, so I did what I wanted to. I can look back today and say "I wish my mom made me go back to school". But I can't say that, it was my choice.

I'm a totally different person to who I was 2 or even 4 years ago. I give all the glory and thanks to God, but I remember my mom as well.

I see my mom probably once a month, we live in different towns. I pray some days for God to let me go live with my mom, because I feel so sorry for what I did to her in the past and because I truly love her, she's my mom.

Put your foot down sister Calluna, pray for the discernment to be strict and fair at the same time, remember that God is going to hold you accountable for you child one day. He is still a child.

God bless you

 

[ladylovesJesus]

Sister calluna my heart goes out to you. I remember the struggles I had with my teenage son. He was just too powerful and strong for me. I was advised to pray a prayer which turned into reality years later. I prayed and thanked God for the fine young man he would become and you know God turned him into a wonderful son who has had a job since he left school and stuck with it and got promotions along the way. He learnt to drive at age 25 and passed first time.

Now, he went drinking during school lunchtime which i knew nothing about at the time. Recently, after a funeral when we were talking, he tells me he did smoke for a year but gave it up as its so expensive. I had thought at least he never smoked. I had never told my children not to smoke. I had tried them as a kid and did not like them.

He never knew his dad because he died when he was only 10 months old.

At one time he had the wrong pics in his room and ppl came and prayed over his room but said it was a phase he was going through and would grow out of it.

Prayer is powerful and God is in control.

God bless you dear sister

LLJ :rainbow: :rose:

 

[Cody]

I believe what you are doing is right. He is only 16 and needs to know that you and your husband have full authority over him. I believe your husband should get more involved also, when he has the time. I remember when I was around 12 years old and my grandparents made me go to church. To tell the truth, I hated it and I thought it was boring. I changed my mind when Jesus Christ showed me I was a lost sinner and then I began to desire the word of God. I will keep your son in my prayers. God Bless

Deuteronomy 6:5-7
5 "And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.
6 And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart:
7 And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up." KJV

Proverbs 22:6
"Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." KJV

Proverbs 13:24
"He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes." KJV

Hebrews 12:11
"Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby." KJV

 

[Br. Bear]

Greetings Calluna,

May I offer you some serious insight to your situation.

First of all, we often like to quote Scriptures (from the Old Testament) as a means for understanding or counsel. Can we look at the picture though, from the Old Testament times. When lads reached the age of 12,13 or 14, they were led into manhood via the 'initiation' rite of the day...the folks who practiced this, still do today. So, given the age of your son, I would like to suggest that he has past that age, and very much needs to be treated as a man and looked at, by you and your husband, as a man. I know this may go against many and the law of the land, but you will find that somewhere in it all, there is flexibility regarding what a lad of 16 can or can not do, which is different to say, when he was 10.

The whole 'teenage' thing is a modern invention.........

Go back a couple of generations and you won't find reference to it, even in dictionaries.

So, we civilized and 'with it' people have created a problem for ourselves, and that problem is loaded on the young men and women...our children, who find themselves in limbo, neither adult nor child.

I would seriously suggest that you and your husband first come to this realization...that your son is a man now. I know society does not totally agree, even strongly disagrees, but the crowd is not always right, and remember too that we are not of this world, and, also consider every other non-western culture that by-passes the teenage trap.

So, your son needs to know that in your camp, there are rules..that's fine, but go about these rules with prayer. If your son wishes to ignore the rules of the camp, he may go elsewhere.....eeeeekkk!!!! do I hear some say?

Truely, he is still learning, yes, aren't we all, and at his age and in his situation as a limbo child (teenager), he is testing the laws and boundries that were set down as a child....all over again, testing to see if those boundries hold up. He, like all the young folk, need to know the limits, and so try them, just as they did when they were 2-5 (remember?), and they do this involuntarily because they want/need to check the safety net, they are entering adulthood sslloowwllyy and they see independence on the horizon, and that is quite scary when you have been protected from the wild world all your life.

So, like I said, draw the line, set the boundry. Make sure that he fully understands that he is ALWAYS welcome in the camp if he wishes to abide by the boundries set. Let him decide. Give him the responsibility, the full weight of his own decision, and if he figures it would be easier outside the camp, fine....wait till he tries it!

You will probably see him back a lot sooner than he reckoned. Don't be scared of what might happen. Recall what is already happening. From what I hear, he is already playing with fire, while 'hiding' in your camp. I can nearly guarantee you that if you allow him to continue to live there in the camp and just get on his case about everything that you find unsavoury, that he will go deeper off the rails. I AM NOT saying...chuck him out. I am saying to tell him that he needs to decide. It is his decision now, you have had your time drying behind his ears for him, we only get a short time to train them up the way they should go....and then, as you know, time waits for no man....they're at puberty, and time's up!

This can be hard. It probably sounds very hard. You (all who read this included) probably think I am hard. Think again, the world is hard, and that is where he is at...would he be in nappies, stashing pillls and condoms? I don't think so.

And, in case any may wonder, I have been through six of these times so far, so I do know a little about these things, but, common sense, or it should be common, clearly states the same as what I have thus far said.

Now, on the subject of training, well, as elders to the lad, he is watching and will copy to some degree just how you handle this....when he gets to the same point in life..if the Lord tarries...so, IT IS SO VERY IMPORTANT TO SHOW LOVE!!! Remember that love is strong (it is not light and fluffy!) and it is YOUR Christian love that is ulimately going to bear the fruit. It is you he is getting the example from.

This brings us to something very important.

If I may veer off for a moment, I want you to realise, both you and your beloved husband (and by the way, give thanks for him, and complain not again that you have the most precious part my sister...as a mother) yes, both of you must realise that the fact that your son is doing these things behind your back and hiding the matter, is far more serious than what he is actually doing!!!
You must establish with your son a means to be open. Please do not overlook this. How!?!?! LOVE.
Let us consider if the lad was someone elses....he rocked up at your doorstep say, and you took him in (as a Christian would). Well, how would you go about things. This gets harder (sort of). Your son IS someone elses....guess who? The LORD is his Father...now. So, how do you treat him? How does God want you/us to treat His children? I sincerely believe that you know the answer to this, so I shall leave you to consider your ways. I do not at any time pass any judgement on you sister....may you be blessed at every turn.

So, (you thought your post was lengthy!) , so, there is another option here, but it is really the only way....

it is exacly as I have said to you before...

you must love him, your son, through it...shower him in it. This is a very tough time for him.What is more important, the pills and the rest, or, mutual love, which covers a multitude of sin? Jesus has been given, because God loves the world....everyone, not because any were/are righteous...but because ALL have sinned. This includes your dear son, and just as God loves your son while he is yet a sinner, He loves all people while they are sinners. He does not spare His love for only the 'good' boys and girls of this world. Yes, Christ died while we were yet sinners! Does God say to any of us...I will love you when you clean up your act, but until then I shall hold back my love for you. The song comes to mind...'just as you are...'

Now, I say this because you are to love that lad with the same love. I know you do love him, and I do not question that at all, it is so very obvious you love him and care for him. What I am saying here is that you need to look at your young man as God does...through Jesus Christ, through the blood of the Lamb. See the man that God sees...a young man without sin....where has it gone?Christ knows....yes, Christ Jesus knows better than all of us put together where He put all our sin.

Am I making sense to you, Calluna? This is the God we serve with a joyful heart. He is not a distant thought or collection of thoughts about life, but rather, He is here, now, unchanged, still with open arms, full of love for all sinners, and He sees us all with the same sacrifice of Jesus, the atoning cloud, blotting out our trespasses, removing our iniquities as He looks with His love upon this hurting world, you, me and your son included.

So, love your son as if he had never done these things. Do not let the little consequenses of life get in the way of your love. It is almost (probably entirely) certain that your son, and all mine, and all other sons, will take a pick of a selection of unsavoury actions to test out, to get their fingers burnt, to try the waters, to stain their lives.......and guess what? Jesus came to save the sinners, so, rather than getting upset, rejoice that our Lord is the One who cleans. How can He clean if it is not dirty. Yes, the scriptures tell us of the virgins by the throne, and wouldn't it be nice if our children were among them.

God knows what He is doing. Just think of how your son is going to taste that ever so sweet and lasting taste of forgiveness. I say all this so you can see past all the concerns you now have for the things your young man is/has been doing.

If I could spare any one of my children from sinning I would.....but it is not sin that is the issue in the end, it is faith. Show your man your faith. This he will need many times throughout his life, to keep him when he does slip up from time to time. After all, he is not Jesus, and in the end of all things, it is whether he believes that will count.

Remember Rahab? What was her occupation? She is somewhere I want to be...listed amongst the faithful.

Dear sister Calluna, be of good cheer, Jesus loves you, and your lad, and He has great things planned for him. Let him see your Jesus, and learn Jesus from you as Jesus has given you all that he has.

If you decide to let your son stay (by that I mean that you just carry on as usual and don't make him decide which camp he wants to be in as I said earlier) and merely tell him what you want him to do or not to do, you can only do so with extemely determined love, and that will have to prove itself with a measure of pain on your part, as he has not yet learnt to respect your feelings before his own, and you will be trampled upon to some degree or another (unless the Lord works a mighty work in his heart ...quickly/soon). So please discuss this with your husband, that your son needs to decide if he is staying and 'behaving himself' or would rather leave home and continue his ways. Remember this sounds harder than it is. Life is the reality he has to face, and if he chooses to face it by departing for a season, bless him and support his integrity.

This is no doubt all very difficult to absorb, so read it over a few times, pray earnestly for the Lord to lead you and guide you, and TRUST that He will.

It is God's job to perfect your son....let Him do it, through His Son, our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.

Bless you,

Br. Bear