Thoughts from 'ex'vermin

[PrayerWarr1or]

Hey TJ, I decided it was time to open up completely and honestly tonight. I have been a member of this forum for over a year and have yet to do so in a post so here goes:

Sometimes I think I am crazy. I know everyone feels this but I seem to take comfort in my own pain as the disappoinment that comes from building myself up seems too hard to take. At the turn of a dime I become suicidal yet I curse myself for being too afraid to actually make my life better or even the opposite quite unfortunately.

Lately my fire in God has waned, I keep distancing myself from Him and when I come home from work I and read this forum it brings me up to Him always again. But I realize I have to get up the following morning and do everything again in vain hopes of surviving my day to day financial existance. Where is the passion in living like this because everything in my job prospects seem hopeless and surely that I will be doing stuff like this the rest of my life, even education seems financially impossible. I feel like being homeless would be the best way to be closer to God, but then the suicidal thoughts come back.

So yeah, its a pretty bleak thought process as you can see. I take comfort in the Lord one moment but then it seems like something drowns it out shortly later and the low lately is alot more powerful than that the very short high. I often tell myself that the Lord will make it alright and that I should read the Bible to restrengthen but the darkness inside my head is just so overwhelming....I just cant help but think that it would be better if I werent alive anymore, but I would never do that because I know it isnt an option in any case it isnt an escape either....I would never hurt my friends and family and God like that. But I feel like I am trapped in limbo, almost some sick purgatory and I am just getting so tired of feeling numb with occasional moments of happiness like right now.

I could use everyones prayers and thoughts. Please pray for me

Vermin

 

[Brighthouse]

Brother Vermin!! HI!! Nice to see you here again!! Last night,i had some terrific back pain!! I mean I was hurting bad!! I thought oh oh!! What did I do wrong now?? LOL I of course went to prayer to find out why. In what I say to you,I hope this will help you also!! Because even us older ones in Lord learn daily!!I can sure tell you that!

Now not out loud!! But in my very mind,Holy Spirit asked me what is a friend? I said well to me a true friend is when they stick with you thick and thin,when they never leave you,or forsake as you have been to me Lord. Mark When you were led to me by a brother in the Lord what happened to you?

Well,after the brother led me to you,we were roommates in College,we played tennis together,golf together,we prayed together,why Lord we even ate together! And so mark you learned what a friend in Jesus is didn't you? Yes Lord I sure did!

But so many mark live there daily life,not thinking I am anywhere around? If you are with your friends in a car,and none speak to you,would that not hurt your feeling? If they acted like even though you were with them,they had nothing to say to you? It would make you feel as though you were not wanted!

My people are doing that to me. I gave my life just for each and everyone of them!!(John 15:13) I called each of you my friends as well!!( john 15:15) I even told each of you I chose you!!( john 15:16) And yet,when you go to be on the computer,or go get a bit to eat,you never speak to me? why?

Oh dear!! Ah well? You are thinking because I never answer you?? How can I ever answer my brothers or sisters who spend such little time with me? Who call on me only if they really need me?

Then I am suppose to run over and make things better for you,when you yourself gave the devil the oppertinuity in the first place?( eph 4:27) I am always with you!!ALWAYS!! True you cannot see me,but I am there! Start acting like I am! Ask me what i think. The more you look unto me,the more I will have to say to your mind,that is why you are renewing it, in the first place!!( rom 12:1-2)

To get all of that wax out of your ears ,so you can hear me! To some it takes longer then others,but you will never know this until you do this!!( james 1:22) I am not a long way from you,I am in you!! Act like I am! Faith is believing,and believing brings about fact in your life!

Or the assurance of things hoped for!!( hebrews 11:1) You mark have need to endure, so that when you have done the will of God, you may receive what is promised!( hebrews 10:36) He was just pounding me with the Word bro!! LOL

How many friends in the Bible did I really have?? FEW!! because FEW!!! would give there time to me! You will find that when you do this,your prayer life will be much easier,and shorter!! OH the LONG prayers I have to endure!! The reason they pray so long, is because they spend such little time with me! So think on this for a while mark! Well brother Vermin I sure did!!

Most of the night,finally at 5am, Holy Spirit let me sleep,but when I woke up!! I was still thinking about what he said,so I thought ok!! I will do this! So I began to ask the lord some questions I had for the day,when on the computer I asked the Lord if it was allright to be on it? When I got hungry,I asked the Lord if it was allright for me to eat,I have to go buy some food Lord Jesus is this the store you want me to go to today? Or do you want me to do something else?

The pain in my back just left me! IC!!!ok Lord you got my full attention!! I want so much Lord to be the friend you are to me,to you!! Thanks Lord Jesus for what you told me,your discipline is not always easy to take,but one sure can learn a lot from it! Lord as I write this brother,is there anything else you wish me to say to him?

Just one thing mark,tell him I love him!! Tell him as foggy as his mind can get sometimes,I still love him,tell him not to be dismayed in any way! Tell him,to do what I told you to do!! My sheep here my voice,but in order to hear my voice,they have to be in range of my voice!

The time for wondering sheep is over,many things will happen late this year and next,I want my sheep to be ready! Let me stay,let me teach you,let me be what you have always wanted and needed!! The song is correct!! What a friend we do have in Jesus!! Will you then become my friend as well?? Your actions will tell me yes or no.That is it my brother,I hope I was not to long winded!! LOL Jesus loves you brother!! And so do I in him!! Blessing to you!

 

[PrayerWarr1or]

Thank you

Now I finally understand what it means to let Him have control and give up my own will.

Bless you and praise God