Cat in a Bag
Member
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2011
- Messages
- 3
Hey there, my first post here... some details about me (keeping it short as possible):
I am 26 years old, I used to stay with my dad and step mom until 4 years ago and I moved down the road into my own home (alone). Myself and my step mom got saved in 2006 when a builder building at my dad’s house witnessed to us, myself and my step mother was very close because both of us did not have any friends. The builder referred us to a institutionalized church where we could grow further in the Lord, I backslided a bit in 2008 and at the end of 2008 I committed my life fully to the Lord because I was tired of self.
In December 2008 my step brother came to visit for the holiday (he lived with his dad at the time... he’s about 9 years younger than me), we became very close, I felt so sorry for him because he was in emotional depression because his dad emotionally abused him, he also shown me his diary, most of the poems he wrote was about his pain that he was enduring. The Lord put it on my heart to help him since I was the only one he could really talk to.
As I kept in contact with my step brother daily by messages or phone calls almost everyday to encourage him, my faith and love in the Lord also grew, and the Lord also introduced and gave me a lot of friends from the church (I was always afraid of making friends), people found it strange because I was so positive and I was always willing to help people in need. In November 2009 the Lord put on my heart to fast for my step brother because he decided to move back to my step mom, a day after the fast my step brother phoned telling me he moved back to his mom, and he was filled with laughter that I never heard before... I will never forget that day. My dad, my step mom, and step brother moved away to a town 900km from where I live.
At the same time a close friend in the church was kicked out because the Lord put it on his heart to start a home church (It bothered me what the church did). Anyway, December 2009, I spend the holiday with my dad, step mom and step brother... myself and my step brother did everything together (my step mom seemed to be very distant with me that holiday, that bothered me a bit as well.). In January 2010 my holiday was over and had to depart back home, I gave my brother a big hug, both of us was crying a bit there hehe. My step mom seemed upset about that hug.
In February 2010 my step mom was thinking and wrestling a lot about that day I gave my brother a hug, she was thinking I was trying to molest him but I was showing him how much Jesus and I loved him. It was causing a lot of friction between her and my dad, I received nasty phone calls late at night also nasty messages/letters from my step mom, mostly telling me how disappointed she is in me and rejected me, all communication with my step brother was blocked and he rejected me as well. At the same time, some things was changing at the church, there was a prayer and fasting week for revival. I was telling my friends at church I was going through a rough time with my family, instead of helping me, it was to their advantage to manipulate me to do their will, they started to speak about how fearful the Lord is, and what would happen if we don’t do this and that and if we don’t go to that prayer week. They played constant guilt trips on me and they would only talk to me when I did as I were told.
A lot of people started leaving the church, a lot was kicked out as well. I was struggling with average depression and anxiety. During one praise and worship I constantly felt on my heart “There is no love here anymore”... I didn’t understand it at that time. In that church all love for one another changed to controlling one another. It sorrowed me because that church just changed into yet another religious organization. I was telling one of the leaders that I’m leaving that church (Thinking to myself its better to be alone than to be manipulated all the time). The “junior pastor” came in visited one evening, he bullied me verbally, telling me in a few ways he does not think im saved, and he was throwing everything back in my face what I was saying to defend myself.
In April 2010 the Lord showed me this scripture – Isaiah 41:10 & 13, it was written in bold. After a few months from that time I really wanted to go to my friend’s home church (The friend that was kicked out of church in November 2009), but the church was making wars with him all the time, and I didn’t want to get involved in it, so I joined a home church that was not related to that church and my friend’s home church... One guy was walking a bit with me to help me with all my confusion, pain and depression, but because I was not recovering very fast he lost interest, and the others in the group just started to ignore me.
I went to another home church (people that left or kicked out of my old church formed a small group – most of them older people), they took it with offence that I was suffering telling me “I must stand on the Word of God” and “The Bible says you must not worry” and because of worrying “I was disobeying God”.... more guilt trips.... and no one was really interested in building a relationship. There was one old guy in the group that has the gift of prophecy (As I have seen it in his fruit), one night during prayer he was talking a lot about what God revealed to him and at the end he said “The time will come where you will sing praises with joy again, and then you will know My love never fails.” – I knew it was for me somehow. A younger member of that group, messaged me telling he was praying for me and God revealed to him “I was sitting with my head in my hand... defeated, and its okay” – and He said he would help me. He was helping me a bit but because he didn’t understand me I’m having issues trusting God because with all this guilt and bad type of fear for the Lord, he couldn’t walk with me.
I finally joined my friend’s home church... I feel the most comfortable in there because most people are more or less my age... but all of them are married. I spend some time with them because I know the first priority for them is their kids etc... Some of the members expect something from me but I don’t know what to do... And few does not understand I have issues with my relationship with the Lord and none of them really wants to walk with me... sucks being the only single member
Today, it leaves me like this and I’m a mess, and I struggle severely, im so confused and in pain, I struggle to sleep, my performance at work is bad (luckily my manager is mercyful), hardly anyone to talk to, feels if im smothering and my body is soar all the time, feeling stressed out, burned out. I always have to wear a mask where ever I go, its anxiety hell.
I want to be in the Lord arms so badly, but it seems there is a wall between myself and Him... I’m lost, stuck with very little hope, beyond repair
I struggle a lot with scriptures like “Be anxious for nothing”, “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life”, “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest”. Most of the time it feels like condemnation when reading these, cos I struggle with it.
I try my best to be still but this anxiety is so bad, I get so frustrated. Now I battle as well to read the Bible. Quite a deadlock. Almost a year of no peace. Struggle to hear Him speaking to me.
I constantly have this thoughts of “Im not spending enough time with the Lord”, “I messed up so much”, “The Lord expects you to do something, then He will listen”, “I must accept my life as it is now”, “im not praying too much”, “im not praying hard enough”, “im not good enough for Him”, “If I struggle to trust God, I cant use the scriptures to resist the devil”, “I have gone too far down a road that I cant be rescued ” etc etc... certainly you have heard that many times. I just battle a lot to resist the devil, he never leaves me alone... even if I sleep I get nightmares some of the times.
I hate to speak to people I don’t know, but I’m REALLY desperate... if someone went through the same as I did, pls help, and not opinions...
Sorry this is quite long... don’t speak much to others
:helppc:
I am 26 years old, I used to stay with my dad and step mom until 4 years ago and I moved down the road into my own home (alone). Myself and my step mom got saved in 2006 when a builder building at my dad’s house witnessed to us, myself and my step mother was very close because both of us did not have any friends. The builder referred us to a institutionalized church where we could grow further in the Lord, I backslided a bit in 2008 and at the end of 2008 I committed my life fully to the Lord because I was tired of self.
In December 2008 my step brother came to visit for the holiday (he lived with his dad at the time... he’s about 9 years younger than me), we became very close, I felt so sorry for him because he was in emotional depression because his dad emotionally abused him, he also shown me his diary, most of the poems he wrote was about his pain that he was enduring. The Lord put it on my heart to help him since I was the only one he could really talk to.
As I kept in contact with my step brother daily by messages or phone calls almost everyday to encourage him, my faith and love in the Lord also grew, and the Lord also introduced and gave me a lot of friends from the church (I was always afraid of making friends), people found it strange because I was so positive and I was always willing to help people in need. In November 2009 the Lord put on my heart to fast for my step brother because he decided to move back to my step mom, a day after the fast my step brother phoned telling me he moved back to his mom, and he was filled with laughter that I never heard before... I will never forget that day. My dad, my step mom, and step brother moved away to a town 900km from where I live.
At the same time a close friend in the church was kicked out because the Lord put it on his heart to start a home church (It bothered me what the church did). Anyway, December 2009, I spend the holiday with my dad, step mom and step brother... myself and my step brother did everything together (my step mom seemed to be very distant with me that holiday, that bothered me a bit as well.). In January 2010 my holiday was over and had to depart back home, I gave my brother a big hug, both of us was crying a bit there hehe. My step mom seemed upset about that hug.
In February 2010 my step mom was thinking and wrestling a lot about that day I gave my brother a hug, she was thinking I was trying to molest him but I was showing him how much Jesus and I loved him. It was causing a lot of friction between her and my dad, I received nasty phone calls late at night also nasty messages/letters from my step mom, mostly telling me how disappointed she is in me and rejected me, all communication with my step brother was blocked and he rejected me as well. At the same time, some things was changing at the church, there was a prayer and fasting week for revival. I was telling my friends at church I was going through a rough time with my family, instead of helping me, it was to their advantage to manipulate me to do their will, they started to speak about how fearful the Lord is, and what would happen if we don’t do this and that and if we don’t go to that prayer week. They played constant guilt trips on me and they would only talk to me when I did as I were told.
A lot of people started leaving the church, a lot was kicked out as well. I was struggling with average depression and anxiety. During one praise and worship I constantly felt on my heart “There is no love here anymore”... I didn’t understand it at that time. In that church all love for one another changed to controlling one another. It sorrowed me because that church just changed into yet another religious organization. I was telling one of the leaders that I’m leaving that church (Thinking to myself its better to be alone than to be manipulated all the time). The “junior pastor” came in visited one evening, he bullied me verbally, telling me in a few ways he does not think im saved, and he was throwing everything back in my face what I was saying to defend myself.
In April 2010 the Lord showed me this scripture – Isaiah 41:10 & 13, it was written in bold. After a few months from that time I really wanted to go to my friend’s home church (The friend that was kicked out of church in November 2009), but the church was making wars with him all the time, and I didn’t want to get involved in it, so I joined a home church that was not related to that church and my friend’s home church... One guy was walking a bit with me to help me with all my confusion, pain and depression, but because I was not recovering very fast he lost interest, and the others in the group just started to ignore me.
I went to another home church (people that left or kicked out of my old church formed a small group – most of them older people), they took it with offence that I was suffering telling me “I must stand on the Word of God” and “The Bible says you must not worry” and because of worrying “I was disobeying God”.... more guilt trips.... and no one was really interested in building a relationship. There was one old guy in the group that has the gift of prophecy (As I have seen it in his fruit), one night during prayer he was talking a lot about what God revealed to him and at the end he said “The time will come where you will sing praises with joy again, and then you will know My love never fails.” – I knew it was for me somehow. A younger member of that group, messaged me telling he was praying for me and God revealed to him “I was sitting with my head in my hand... defeated, and its okay” – and He said he would help me. He was helping me a bit but because he didn’t understand me I’m having issues trusting God because with all this guilt and bad type of fear for the Lord, he couldn’t walk with me.
I finally joined my friend’s home church... I feel the most comfortable in there because most people are more or less my age... but all of them are married. I spend some time with them because I know the first priority for them is their kids etc... Some of the members expect something from me but I don’t know what to do... And few does not understand I have issues with my relationship with the Lord and none of them really wants to walk with me... sucks being the only single member
Today, it leaves me like this and I’m a mess, and I struggle severely, im so confused and in pain, I struggle to sleep, my performance at work is bad (luckily my manager is mercyful), hardly anyone to talk to, feels if im smothering and my body is soar all the time, feeling stressed out, burned out. I always have to wear a mask where ever I go, its anxiety hell.
I want to be in the Lord arms so badly, but it seems there is a wall between myself and Him... I’m lost, stuck with very little hope, beyond repair
I struggle a lot with scriptures like “Be anxious for nothing”, “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life”, “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest”. Most of the time it feels like condemnation when reading these, cos I struggle with it.
I try my best to be still but this anxiety is so bad, I get so frustrated. Now I battle as well to read the Bible. Quite a deadlock. Almost a year of no peace. Struggle to hear Him speaking to me.
I constantly have this thoughts of “Im not spending enough time with the Lord”, “I messed up so much”, “The Lord expects you to do something, then He will listen”, “I must accept my life as it is now”, “im not praying too much”, “im not praying hard enough”, “im not good enough for Him”, “If I struggle to trust God, I cant use the scriptures to resist the devil”, “I have gone too far down a road that I cant be rescued ” etc etc... certainly you have heard that many times. I just battle a lot to resist the devil, he never leaves me alone... even if I sleep I get nightmares some of the times.
I hate to speak to people I don’t know, but I’m REALLY desperate... if someone went through the same as I did, pls help, and not opinions...
Sorry this is quite long... don’t speak much to others
:helppc:
