what do I do?

[yeshuafollower]

I am seeking some advice. My husband was once a church goer and has a salvation story. We had two children and now, if it were not for me, he would not attend church, is not interested in praying, no longer tithes, and is basically someone that yells and is very hard to live with. In a nutshell, and watching him for a period of time, he is running his own show. He was in a very important role in our church previously and can talk the talk but I don’t think it is inside of him.

Our son was diagnosed with Asperger’s which means that he has special interests, thinks very logically, and complains about anything new. My husband was unemployed for a period of time and as a result, we are in debt (although we have a great credit rating). I work, I take care of the kids and he works two jobs. His second job is selling computers and he has said that he does not plan to end that job at any point. He makes 15 dollars an hour at that job. He does not do anything with the kids that I do not suggest (no sports, no interests) other than anything computer related.

He has one friend that he goes to coffee with every 3 months or so. (who happens to be a Christian but I can tell you that my husband talks computers with him and never brings up home life at all). I have figured out that he resents anyone “interfering” in his life. He in other words, does not submit to any authority. If I say anything about how he does anything around the house, he calls me a “nagging b-----” He gets mad at me for signing the kids up for some activity and then “expects him to take them” I am working in the evening. He kind of wants to be a “single” guy and I don’t think has the capacity to be “partners” with me. He takes care of his own stuff, job, etc etc very well, but anything that is about “the family” is something that he is doing seemingly as a favor to me. He voices that he wants to be married, after all everything is done for him, the kids, the grocery shopping, some of the cooking, cleaning, socializing with kids friends etc. But he does not participate in a marriage at all.

He says he stays away from me because I am never happy with anything. If he needs to do something for the family he always does it “halfway” for instance, before church this AM, he woke the kids up but if someone isn’t behind them, they lolly daddle and then don’t have time to eat breakfast. So he woke them up and is sitting on the computer, the kids hadn’t eaten and we had to leave. He doesn’t feel he needs to remind them or help them get ready, so, often treats them like they are adults. If I say anything about it, he yells. I feel he often is setting me up to be angry with him. We have not had any marital life for years because when he was unemployed, he got a job out of town and left me to take care of all the household stuff all week and then say he was tired when he returned. He did not help at all during that time and was frequently condescending about the house being a mess. Christian friends do not let their children come to our house which isolates my children. My husband is basically not present.

Do I divorce him? How do I carry on a Christian lifestyle when he goes to church, is short with someone saying “I work on Sunday afternoons” when they are trying to include him and is angry that the pastor went too long with his sermon and now he is going to have to rush to “his second job”. I know we are supposed to “love” our husbands when their salvation is in question but I feel he is “using” me to be in a family without taking on the responsibility of a family.

We just started a new church and if he feels put out (the pastor spoke too long) then he is saying, “I’m not sure what to do about the church” He doesn’t say, I am going to have to find a way for my job and church attendance to work together”
We have gone to church counseling in the past and there, he acts like he’s been the model husband and says that I’m the problem and that he does everything around the house. He turns the tables and then no one knows who is telling the truth.

He does not read the bible to the kids, does not teach them in any way about God, has them pray about different family members before bed (like a rote prayer, bless so and so) and that is it. He would NEVER suggest going to a marriage retreat or anything. He wants his lifestyle where he goes to work and wants everything done when he gets home. He seems happy with the way it is, where he is doing his own thing and seems resentful if anything disturbs it. He really doesn't initiate anything which could be the Aspergers. He is modeling to the kids, do it because you have to, but your heart really isn't in it.

I am open to suggestions that anyone would have.

 

[Thiscrosshurts]

I feel as though I have fit the description of your husband a few times in my 29 year marriage.So let me apologize on his behalf and also beg you not to give up on him.
It almost sounds like he has gone on autopilot and has shut off emotions.
There is no doubt that the amount of work he is having to do is causing stress.He may not be able to fully appreciate what your going through until he can see more clearly.
Thats just a guess but I will pray for your Husband.I also pray that God restore your joy so you can stand through this trial.
I have a lost sheep list that I pray for and I focus on this promise from God:
Philippians 1:6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

I just wanted you to know he may not want to be that way at all so don't lose hope.I'm sure others will come and offer good advice and help us in prayer to enforce Gods promises in your whole family.
Peace

 

[evan]

Hi Yeshuafollower,

My husband is similar in many ways you described.

You say...
"My husband was once a church goer and has a salvation story."

Same with me.

You say...
'is basically someone that yells and is very hard to live with."

Same here, Lots of yelling and drama.

You say...
"He is running his own show. He was in a very important role in our church previously and can talk the talk but I don’t think it is inside of him."

My husband talks very religious (a former pastor) but is far from living it in our marriage. It's like there are two people in him, the Christian and the monster.

You say...
"My husband was unemployed for a period of time and as a result, we are in debt"

My husband ruined my and his debt, it will take years to get out from under it.

You say....

"he resents anyone “interfering” in his life."

Same here, he has a "victim mentality".

You say...
He voices that he wants to be married, after all, everything is done for him.

My husband doesn't like me, but stays in the marriage. I don't feel free to divorce, I am a Christian. He promises to support me if I grant him a divorce.

You say...
"If I say anything about it, he yells. I feel he often is setting me up to be angry with him."

My husband seems to get an adrenaline rush out of a yelling match. When he is yelling, I tell him, "when you are ready to speak calmly we will discuss it", then I walk away. He has improved over time, he knows I will walk away regardless of how much he attempt to use "trigger points" to rope me back into yelling again. The Lord has helped me to be strong to keep walking. Now he stops yelling when he sees me inching away. It took a year to work on this.
Jesus kept silent when the Pharisees were yelling at him.

I Peter 3:1
Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives.

Notice it doesn't say the husband is an unbeliever, it says he does not believe the word. It is obvious our husbands stopped believing what the word of God says about how to treat their wives.
In our silence we can pray for our husbands to believe and be won over by Jesus to what the word says about how they should treat their wives and for the Lord to help our husbands to be won over to a vibrant relationship to Jesus once again.

You say....
"My husband is basically not present."

Same here, just gone. I have learned to seek Jesus's love to fill up my cup, to be my church, to be my provider, to be my everything for all my earthly needs as I wait for the Lord to bring my husband back from the ledge.

You say...
I feel he is “using” me to be in a family without taking on the responsibility of a family.

I feel the same way.

You say...
"We just started a new church."

We have no staying power at churches because he ends up yelling at someone and leaving or starts to complain about the service of the service.

You say...
"We have gone to church counseling in the past and there, he acts like he’s been the model husband and says that I’m the problem and that he does everything around the house. He turns the tables and then no one knows who is telling the truth."

Same here, very frustrating. During counseling he makes it look like he is always the victim in the marriage, and that I am always the one who is victimizing him.
He treats counseling like its a 'game show", a competition with points, a winner and a loser. Instead of a hurting marriage that needs healing.

I am sorry about hyjacking your thread and making it about me. I don't mean to do that. I am so sorry for your suffering. I don't have all the answers. I do know the Lord has the power to release us from our marriages, I wish for that very much for me. But the Lord is allowing me to stay. As you do, I suffer much in my marriage. I am studying our call to suffering as Christ's disciples in Mark chapter 8. We are suffering for Christ when we stay in an abusive marriage we are not suppose to biblically leave. For me I see this as "boot camp with a purpose" for suffering for Christ. For example you don't have to feel as isolated now that you have a new friend who is going through a similar thing as you are.
At the last supper Jesus said to his diciples in Luke 22... You are those who have stood by me in my trials. 29 And I confer on you a kingdom, just as my Father conferred one on me, 30 so that you may eat and drink at my table in my kingdom and sit on thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel.

Just as we have stood by Jesus during his trails in our past as we have walked with Jesus, Jesus is standing with us during our trials in our marriage. I work hard to keep my mind on the kingdom of God by reading the bible, praying and fasting.

Jesus said to Peter...

31 “Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat. 32 But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”

We do have happy moments that last for a time, it's not bad all the time.

I pray our faith will not fail during our trials in our marriage.
Lord help us to be strong in our faith, help us to feel your love and presence. Help us to strengthen each other as we learn how to suffer in your Name.
Lord Jesus we give our husbands to you, our marriage, our children, and our lives. Be with us as we walk through the valley and help us to turn to you in our trails, in the mighty name of Jesus.
I hope to hear again from you on this thread.

 

[Kit Carson]

Hello:

You may not like some of my answers, as they are of common sense and not of scripture, but they are of how God sometimes shows me how to explain things and help in understanding. They are of realistic views and of life.

First let me tell you about us men, we are basically lazy around the house. We are like the lion that eats well and then takes a nap. Lol! It is how we are. My idea of doing the laundry is to wash the clothes and take them out of the dryer and throw them down in a pile in one corner and that is the clean pile. The dirty pile goes in another corner, so why fold and hang them......I mean they will just get dirty again. It took me many years to finally realize to help around the house when required. Now I do many times, but still I mean if the coffee table is cluttered, it will only get cluttered again..........this is how us men think. This is how we are.

Evidently you have discussed this as you mention counseling, but maybe if you just sit down and discuss this and leave the church out of it, I will get to that in a bit. Do not push the church and all that with him, just sit and talk about helping around the home, and to take a hand in discipline of the kids. Discipline not abuse, no yelling , not calling them names, but firm and sure rewards for good and negative rewards for bad. Sit and discuss this and leave the church out of it.

As for sports, hey I myself hate sports. I can think of nothing more time wasting and stupid than chasing some ball. And I see the power and unconcern for the kids by the parents by pushing the kids and taking pride in themselves over the performance of the kids, I always see a great negative in organized sports. I have always liked fishing, scuba diving, the martial arts and such things, but I have always hated organized sports. So does he even like sports, or are his interests on other things?

Now for this church thing. Unemployment and the concern and responsibility felt towards the family. We men do feel a responsibility to all. And when one becomes unemployed and sees the pitfalls of becoming unemployed again, yes the work takes priority. I can talk to God on the way to work, but if I do not get to work on time and if I do not do a good job, then I am unemployed again. This is the reality of life. I do not work for an understanding Christian, I work for others of the world. They care less about my beliefs or such, it is about work, money , profit and getting the job done. It is what life in the world is about. This is the side of realistic views.

He is most likely not dumb either. And by working two jobs he shows he is willing to work and does wish to support and help. But do not cram church down his throat. This will drive him away.

Why will it drive him away.

Very simple.

Church is church and not always of God. Tithing is to provide for the church and does not always bring good works. Many of us see this and resent giving to a church for the simple sake of giving. We see no good in much of it. We see waste, we see it misused and to go in the state of mind of a lifestyle and because it is required only causes one to resent it. I would. I will give if I want to, and usually not to a church, I have no problem with helping someone in need, or buying food or something for those in need, but I have a great problem with simply giving to a church and letting other men decide how to use it as they do a very poor job of use. We go to a church and we listen to the pastor and we hear him speak untruths, and so on, so we become disgusted with it all.

So maybe back off the pushing with the church, but concentrate on God in the home for now. Ask him to work with the kids and teach them to pray, and give encouragement to this........and let God work with him this way. Eventually he like myself will realize that even though many aspects of the church are wrong, that one should not resent this but work to make them better and not judge it all by the actions of the wrong. But this takes time to develop and he may be seeing church as an enemy of his time and he is more concerned with his work and such at this time.

So maybe give him some space, but also communicate with him. Sit and talk and honestly speak of your feelings and wishes and keep others out of it. You see others say and do things that also add to the problem. They become the enemy sometimes.

I would say he feels trapped in life. There are many demands in life and being unemployed is a great time of stress. So now he wishes to remain employed and things that threaten this are the enemy. So he needs time and some freedom but also communication between you and he, and leave other out of it for a bit. Do not push him.

To believe in God and to follow God does not require the adoption of a seen to the world Christian lifestyle. To get up go to church and pay your dues and treat it like a country club to belong is in itself detrimental if done in that mind set. So try to let him have some time. Ask him his true beliefs, talk to him about it and see if for a start he would be willing to take a hand with the kids, if you give him the freedom to skip church for a bit.........and trust God, you see if you can get him to take a hand and work with the kids, God will sneak up on him and he will change.

Hope I said something that makes sense. You see I am self employed but I do take other jobs time to time to provide when I have to, and without them life would fall. So if I have taken a job such as I have in the past and my wife comes to me and says, Kit I want to take a vacation, well ya know, if we do there goes the job.
God granted me many things in life, and allows me to be my own man most of the time, but when I enter the world of the world and I am employed by the world, I just play by their rules. So he is doing so and has no real choice at the moment.

Respectfully
Kit